Questions About Splitting

[random376]

1.  Can someone help me understand more about what is happening cognitively when my wife is splitting me black?
One thing in particular I am trying to understand: why is it that even once the splitting episode has passed, does she continually assert that I've done and must be held accountable for all of the distorted or outright false accusations she accused me of when she was splitting me black? How come she doesn't "come to" if you will and come to a realization that whoa, why did I think that? Is this recognition tied in with lack of self-awareness or is there something else underlying OR is this how it is with everyone who splits?

My wife is not diagnosed nor is she in treatment, NOR does she even think she has a problem at all (we are currently separated). Is this because she has no self-awareness since she's not in treatment and doesn't understand her brain is working in this way? Will she ever be able to sort these things out and stop insisting that I take accountability for "threatening" things she says I'm doing to her during these splitting episodes?

2.  When she is splitting black, is she dissociating?
I'd read and watched videos about splitting being fight or flight response to the brain thinking it's about to be re-exposed to a past trauma. This video made a light go off in my head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYUjo7zvz4A&feature=youtu.be

Does this means that while she maintains a sense of reality, she isn't actually connected to reality? She is "behaving logically" if she was actually under imminent attack but she's getting the wrong input on reality because she's triggered? Her brain is in auto-pilot, "yikes I'm under attack and I need to protect myself" mode? Do I understand it correctly in stating she's treating me as if I'm threatening her because she TRULY BELIEVES that I am threatening her?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

the short answer to me is that this is less about dysregulated episodes or her brain and more about the fact that this stuff:

she continually assert that I've done and must be held accountable for all of the distorted or outright false accusations she accused me of

... .

NOR does she even think she has a problem at all

is a world view. an ingrained one. how she sees you or others vs her when it comes to conflict.

so this:

Do I understand it correctly in stating she's treating me as if I'm threatening her because she TRULY BELIEVES that I am threatening her?

is probably the case.

what does she accuse you of threatening?

[random376]

Thanks for your reply, once removed! This is really disturbing to accept. A little background: my wife and I have been married for about a year and a half. She started having "episodes" early on in our marriage and they slowly became more scary, even driving recklessly with me in the car and then leaving me on the side of the road late at night in a different state to find my way home. I put my foot down a couple months ago and said I didn't want to continue the marriage unless she worked to understand what these episodes were so we knew how to cope with them better. That didn't go over so well and ended in her making up a violent attack on my part and bolting, and then an enduring two month-long and counting distortion campaign.

Though she is still not diagnosed nor receiving treatment, I am trying to evaluate and understand if BPD is something I want to deal with the rest of my life--how much of this is treatable, can be mitigated with adapting and learning new skills and how much of this is abuse and misery I am just going to have to accept if I choose to move forward. Regardless of the accountability she takes or doesn't take, this is something I am wrestling with right now and hoping to understand better.

Some accusations:
-I asked for the keys to the car so I could go sit inside because I needed space from her during an episode. She accused me of trying to manipulate her (said it loudly in front of her friends) and accused me of plotting a power struggle.
-If I speak out about it not being ok that she is violating my personal or physical safety, I am "being abusive".
-I tried to move her over in bed in the middle of the night and she accused me of "violently attacking her". I was notified of this accusation the next morning while I was enjoying my coffee and she frantically yelled it at me as she informed me that she was leaving right now with the dog because she was in imminent danger of me. (I never saw the dog again and she actually did put a deposit down on an apartment and signed a one year lease that day. She actually moved into it a couple weeks later.) Since then, her story has mirrored mine in that she is telling everyone that I am terrifying and operate in extremes and she was living in fear of me and needed to move out to have her space (she talks about it as if it was a long-considered decision).
-Mostly taking my actual actions and words and twisting them and distorting them by assigning malicious intent that I never had. Of course, I can't convince her of my actual intent even though I am the only person who knows what my true intent really is/was. But of course--if my words and actions don't have the threatening and malicious intent she assigns to them, "her behavior isn't justified". 

[Mutt]

random376,

-I asked for the keys to the car so I could go sit inside because I needed space from her during an episode. She accused me of trying to manipulate her (said it loudly in front of her friends) and accused me of plotting a power struggle.

You probably already know that a pwBPD have feeling of worthlessness, core beliefs, I’m unworthy, unlovable.

Let’s pretend that you’re both facing each sitting down on chairs and lets take her place and see it from her point of view  - It’s try I am unlovable my SO sees my faults and needs to get away from me. She’s lashing out because you wanted your space.

I tried to move her over in bed in the middle of the night and she accused me of "violently attacking her". I was notified of this accusation the next morning while I was enjoying my coffee and she frantically yelled it at me as she informed me that she was leaving right now with the dog because she was in imminent danger of me. (I never saw the dog again and she actually did put a deposit down on an apartment and signed a one year lease that day. She actually moved into it a couple weeks later.) Since then, her story has mirrored mine in that she is telling everyone that I am terrifying and operate in extremes and she was living in fear of me and needed to move out to have her space (she talks about it as if it was a long-considered decision).

I don’t believe that age separated because of the reasons that she stares I think when you put your foot down there’s a good chance that triggered her fear of abandonment. A owBPD anticipate that everyone in their lives are going to leave them so they abandon you before they get abandoned it’s a coping mechanism that works against because it follows through on their fears they’re alone. A pwBPD cannot stand to be alone.

I’m sorry to say this she did an it out but probably not as long as she’s saying she’s being way over dramatic by saying that she’s attack in her mind it justifies her reason to leave - it’s self defeating behaviors she’s trying to beat you to the punch. She planned on getting that apartment it could of been a week ago or weeks ago.

[random376]

I don’t believe that age separated because of the reasons that she stares I think when you put your foot down there’s a good chance that triggered her fear of abandonment. A owBPD anticipate that everyone in their lives are going to leave them so they abandon you before they get abandoned it’s a coping mechanism that works against because it follows through on their fears they’re alone. A pwBPD cannot stand to be alone. 

Yeah, this is what I'm realizing is the case. A few days after she informed me I attacked her/she's moving out, we went to her therapist together. It felt like a productive session and afterward she asked me what she should do about the apartment she'd signed a lease on. I told her she should move into it and she did. In retrospect, that was the moment she split me black permanently and began the distortion campaign--but it also the moment I gave myself my space and freedom. I would have gotten tumbled in the sea if I'd let her move back in and it would have cause me so much more turmoil and grief. We have been living apart for a month and a half now and I've seen evil from her like I never knew someone could display. It would be nice if she'd take accountability and work towards getting help but I know that given the nature and gravity of what she's done and the compounding distortion campaign, that's probably highly unlikely at this point. The music she'd have to face is just so loud.

[Mutt]

I understand what you’re saying facing the music you and I know that it’s not going to happen. BPD is dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

She might of been testing you when she asked you what she should do they’re on the constant look out for rejection and will continuously test you.

Im glad to hear that you’re taking time to take care of yourself. It sounds like you really needed it.

[Harley Quinn]

She started having "episodes" early on in our marriage and they slowly became more scary, even driving recklessly with me in the car and then leaving me on the side of the road late at night in a different state to find my way home.

-If I speak out about it not being ok that she is violating my personal or physical safety, I am "being abusive".

Hi random,

Just to touch back on your previous post, could you tell us a little more about how she violates your personal or physical safety?  We know about the driving recklessly and leaving you to find your way home.  What other examples can you give us, just so that we can get a full picture?  I'm wondering if she has threatened or been physically violent towards you at all?

Love and light x