So who is this person, raised by a BPD mother?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello friends. Being raised by a uBPD mom (and still in an intense relationship with her) I sometimes wonder…I dear to ask myself a challenging question, do I resemble her ? You know, I have no fear to resemble her (in a borderline way, to be clear), because I’m SURE I don’t. Or do I ?

Let’s take a look at my lows and my highs of my own personality that could be a consequence of my education… (*note that ‘lows’ and ‘highs’ can be relative… Some lows could turn out to be highs and vice versa, whatsoever…).

THE LOWS:

No 1: ’Strange’ self-esteem. What do I mean by ‘strange’? Well it’s neither low nor high. It means that in a social situations, to the people, I’m showing a rather low self-esteem. I’m just a shy little girl, who agrees on whosever saying whatever, do not initiate contact, or if I do, it’s in a very shy self-negative manner that ruins everything. When I take distance from the people, THEN I’m in a very high self-esteem mode. I’m cherishing myself, thinking that I’m better than those people who rejected me, more clever, more interesting whatsoever… Just to say that I’m a bit bitter to myself that I couldn’t show them THE ME in this first place. Two poles, two extremities, isn’t this a bit borderline ? You know, my mom’s attitude goes like this: be a worm-like and shy and stuff to people who are good (the ‘good’ changes all the time) and may make your life-better, but if you sense them no-good (which changes all the time), despise them.

No 2: No true opinion. I saw my mom’s opinion change ALL THE TIME. And she expressed it in a very emotional harsh manner. “But mom, you said only one week ago, that you hate these... ! (I’ve just smashed these in a face myself, to give some validation to my mother... ) ”, “well, Fox, you know opinions might change in time… I’ve changed my opinion ! These are great !”… One week later “wow, these have ruined my life, why don’t you listen when I’m talking to you, Fox?”. The consequence: I can’t hold a debate. I have no opinion. Or I have too many opinions. I can see everyone’s point of view. Which, you’d say is a good thing (remember, I’ve just said, some lows could be highs etc., this statement makes part of this No2!), well not so much. If anyone says to me: well I think, this one sucks, I say: well yeah, ok, I see what you mean. Then, another states, well I think this is GREAT (the same very thing)! Yeah, I tell him, it is rather good, wow. Do you think it helps much in my social interactions, being THIS open ? This leads to…

No 3: I avoid to disagree with someone, or if I really have to, my guts turn all over. No need to expand this, I think you’ll get it.

No 4: psychosomatic diseases... Did I just said, my guts turn all over? Oh, that is in a physical kind of way, as well… And… MANY MORE !

No 5: intense desire to be important to someone… This one was not so evident to me, to figure out. As I’m the only child to my mom, I’ve experienced the ‘good child’, as well as the ‘bad child’ many times in a row, sometimes many times in A DAY ! So, a regular (funny word) piece of cake, a regular horsewhip, made me a true servant for my mom… And because my mother’s happiness (despite all my service!) was fluctuant, I started looking for… emotionally abusive relationships... because I had to PROOVE that my services are GOOD and worth true LOVE. Oh boy… Luckily this one was an eye opener to me... Luckily I had (still have) only one true relationship of this sort, but I see now other ‘ships’ of the past, that could have landed easily to my shore… Which leads to…

No 6: I attract emotionally unstable people. I can see it better now, then two years ago. They look very charming at first and I fell so powerful and inspired and fair-minded and… GOOD about myself to give them just a bit of my possessions… Let’s say, my heart, my time, my energy, my thoughts, my incomes, my… well, you know. Just to feel important to their life, to be the ONE who TRULY is the ONE. A missing piece. Ing and yang. No kidding?

THE HIGHS:

No 1. I can be a genius…even a… GOD... if I have to. Yes, being raised by a BPD mom, doesn’t matter if I was on a good or bad side, willing to proof her my love, I had to, I was obliged to, do impossible things ! Whatever her complaint was, I was there to help her, and believe it or not, some IMPOSSIBLE things I MANAGED to do ! If she’s stuck with some papers, I’ll just learn all the laws, I could then wipe the nose of any social worker. If she lost any papers, I’ll just transform myself in a detective, investigating all the corners of the house. If she has some health issues, I’ll just search all the resources to give her the remedy, you know, I could have written a scientific paper, from all the research I’ve done, where I had some actual proof of my help ! If we need some money on some of her projects, no big deal, we’ll just get rich ! If she’s upset about her social status, I’ll just search all over to improve it, give her job, give her income, whatever she says, I’ll do it ! And most of the times I DO! This made me very competent in many spheres of my life, and I'm rather satisfied of my career. However, this is energy and time consuming, as you might guess. And IF I face the wall, it is devastating. The ambiguity in this, is that sometimes I get so SUCKED IN, I can’t always tell... it seems to me, that I’m enjoying very much what I do…or do I…? I don’t really know. Guys, if I’ll ever win a Nobel Prize, know, the only true intention there, will be to please my mom, or any other troubled person of that kind.

So far so good, these are some points I wanted to share with you, there might be some others coming up later… How about you, can you relate ? Who are you, being raised by a BPD mom (or dad or…) ?

Thank you for reading, you are wonderful. 

[FoxC]

Hello friends. Being raised by a uBPD mom (and still in an intense relationship with her) I sometimes wonder…I dear to ask myself a challenging question, do I resemble her ? You know, I have no fear to resemble her (in a borderline way, to be clear), because I’m SURE I don’t. Or do I ?

Let’s take a look at my lows and my highs of my own personality that could be a consequence of my education… (*note that ‘lows’ and ‘highs’ can be relative… Some lows could turn out to be highs and vice versa, whatsoever…).

THE LOWS:

No 1: ’Strange’ self-esteem. What do I mean by ‘strange’? Well it’s neither low nor high. It means that in a social situations, to the people, I’m showing a rather low self-esteem. I’m just a shy little girl, who agrees on whosever saying whatever, do not initiate contact, or if I do, it’s in a very shy self-negative manner that ruins everything. When I take distance from the people, THEN I’m in a very high self-esteem mode. I’m cherishing myself, thinking that I’m better than those people who rejected me, more clever, more interesting whatsoever… Just to say that I’m a bit bitter to myself that I couldn’t show them THE ME in this first place. Two poles, two extremities, isn’t this a bit borderline ? You know, my mom’s attitude goes like this: be a worm-like and shy and stuff to people who are good (the ‘good’ changes all the time) and may make your life-better, but if you sense them no-good (which changes all the time), despise them.

No 2: No true opinion. I saw my mom’s opinion change ALL THE TIME. And she expressed it in a very emotional harsh manner. “But mom, you said only one week ago, that you hate these... ! (I’ve just smashed these in a face myself, to give some validation to my mother... ) ”, “well, Fox, you know opinions might change in time… I’ve changed my opinion ! These are great !”… One week later “wow, these have ruined my life, why don’t you listen when I’m talking to you, Fox?”. The consequence: I can’t hold a debate. I have no opinion. Or I have too many opinions. I can see everyone’s point of view. Which, you’d say is a good thing (remember, I’ve just said, some lows could be highs etc., this statement makes part of this No2!), well not so much. If anyone says to me: well I think, this one sucks, I say: well yeah, ok, I see what you mean. Then, another states, well I think this is GREAT (the same very thing)! Yeah, I tell him, it is rather good, wow. Do you think it helps much in my social interactions, being THIS open ? This leads to…

No 3: I avoid to disagree with someone, or if I really have to, my guts turn all over. No need to expand this, I think you’ll get it.

No 4: psychosomatic diseases... Did I just said, my guts turn all over? Oh, that is in a physical kind of way, as well… And… MANY MORE !

No 5: intense desire to be important to someone… This one was not so evident to me, to figure out. As I’m the only child to my mom, I’ve experienced the ‘good child’, as well as the ‘bad child’ many times in a row, sometimes many times in A DAY ! So, a regular (funny word) piece of cake, a regular horsewhip, made me a true servant for my mom… And because my mother’s happiness (despite all my service!) was fluctuant, I started looking for… emotionally abusive relationships... because I had to PROOVE that my services are GOOD and worth true LOVE. Oh boy… Luckily this one was an eye opener to me... Luckily I had (still have) only one true relationship of this sort, but I see now other ‘ships’ of the past, that could have landed easily to my shore… Which leads to…

No 6: I attract emotionally unstable people. I can see it better now, then two years ago. They look very charming at first and I fell so powerful and inspired and fair-minded and… GOOD about myself to give them just a bit of my possessions… Let’s say, my heart, my time, my energy, my thoughts, my incomes, my… well, you know. Just to feel important to their life, to be the ONE who TRULY is the ONE. A missing piece. Ing and yang. No kidding?

THE HIGHS:

No 1. I can be a genius…even a… GOD... if I have to. Yes, being raised by a BPD mom, doesn’t matter if I was on a good or bad side, willing to proof her my love, I had to, I was obliged to, do impossible things ! Whatever her complaint was, I was there to help her, and believe it or not, some IMPOSSIBLE things I MANAGED to do ! If she’s stuck with some papers, I’ll just learn all the laws, I could then wipe the nose of any social worker. If she lost any papers, I’ll just transform myself in a detective, investigating all the corners of the house. If she has some health issues, I’ll just search all the resources to give her the remedy, you know, I could have written a scientific paper, from all the research I’ve done, where I had some actual proof of my help ! If we need some money on some of her projects, no big deal, we’ll just get rich ! If she’s upset about her social status, I’ll just search all over to improve it, give her job, give her income, whatever she says, I’ll do it ! And most of the times I DO! This made me very competent in many spheres of my life, and I'm rather satisfied of my career. However, this is energy and time consuming, as you might guess. And IF I face the wall, it is devastating. The ambiguity in this, is that sometimes I get so SUCKED IN, I can’t always tell... it seems to me, that I’m enjoying very much what I do…or do I…? I don’t really know. Guys, if I’ll ever win a Nobel Prize, know, the only true intention there, will be to please my mom, or any other troubled person of that kind.

So far so good, these are some points I wanted to share with you, there might be some others coming up later… How about you, can you relate ? Who are you, being raised by a BPD mom (or dad or…) ?

Thank you for reading, you are wonderful. 

[Kwamina]

Hi FoxC

Thanks for starting this very interesting thread!

Answering the question 'Who am I?', can be quite difficult when you've been raised by a BPD parent. Thinking of my own uBPD mom, in many ways there was no room for my 'self' as her 'self' took up all space. Also the projection and splitting made it increasingly hard for me to hold on to a sense of my authentic 'self'. It became harder and harder to separate my true 'self' from the 'self' that was being projected on to me.

As an adult now it's clear how much my uBPD mom's behavior impacted me as a child, yet I also ask myself how much of my current 'self' would also be here now if my childhood had been different. For even what I consider my authentic 'self', was still very much influenced by the uBPD external environment I experienced from the very start. There was no carefree development of the authentic 'self', I was always on guard which by itself also influences the development of 'self' and ultimately can become part of that 'self'.

I think it's very good that you are taking a good look at yourself like this. Honest and open self-examination can really be a catalyst for further growth and healing

When I take distance from the people, THEN I’m in a very high self-esteem mode. I’m cherishing myself, thinking that I’m better than those people who rejected me, more clever, more interesting whatsoever…

Do you feel like this 'better than you' thinking has helped you bolster your self-esteem long-term or perhaps that the empowerment is only fleeting?

The Board Parrot

[FoxC]

Hi there Board Parrot !

I can totally relate of what you are saying there as well. My enmeshment was so tight that I would definitely be another person now if my mother had less of this borderline behavior. Therefore, searching for the 'true' self (apart from my mother) seems to me pretty much impossible, as even our differences (and things that I do/like/dislike on my own) could be the consequence.

This leads me to thinking, that if I see all this bad stuff that took place in my childhood so negatively, I therefore see ME negatively today as well. Because one has lead to another. But I wouldn't like to paint all this past craziness in rose and live in denial neither. So I think I've created this thread just to take things as they are: understand all the drawbacks of my personality (without hating) and to squeeze some positive aspects out of all of this, if any.

To answer your question, I think that I just feel rather good about myself (unless some strong diminishing going on)... most of the time... but I'm unable to show that to others. Maybe it's because I was taught to hide everything from others (I'll analyze this as well). But to compensate this disability, I would then comfort myself by exaggerating my self-sense even more in my head. I know, it looks a bit NP/BPD to me, but it is how it is and I'm trying to understand it in order to work on it. As much of a caretaker and co-dependant person I am, I think that if I didn't figure out that my mother has BPD I could have finished on the same side with my own future children.

[Harri]

Hi FoxC.  It is good to hear from you.  I see you are still working on yourself and as usual are digging deep.  

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about.  Especially this one:

No 5: intense desire to be important to someone… This one was not so evident to me, to figure out. As I’m the only child to my mom, I’ve experienced the ‘good child’, as well as the ‘bad child’ many times in a row, sometimes many times in A DAY ! So, a regular (funny word) piece of cake, a regular horsewhip, made me a true servant for my mom… And because my mother’s happiness (despite all my service!) was fluctuant, I started looking for… emotionally abusive relationships... because I had to PROOVE that my services are GOOD and worth true LOVE. Oh boy… Luckily this one was an eye opener to me... Luckily I had (still have) only one true relationship of this sort, but I see now other ‘ships’ of the past, that could have landed easily to my shore… Which leads to…

 Oh yes.  I played this out with my mother and my ex.  I think all the splitting was a huge factor in developing this behavior too.  So desperate to prove my worth and that I could love the way they needed me to love.  With my ex it was a strange mix of fighting myself and trying to meet his needs, which, like you said, were ever changing.  so of course my 'love' was unstable and seemed unhealthy... .because it was.  It then became a way for him to prove that he was the healthy person and I was the disordered person... .because well, truth be told, my behavior proved it.  Then in my willingness to own my stuff, my desire to learn and my belief that he knew better than me, I believed I was the all wrong person and he was fine.  Not true at all.  We were both pretty messed up.

You ask who are you?  I am still working on that and accepting that who I am now has been shaped by my past and I am who I am because of it.  At the risk of sounding like a preachy pollyanna, I often remind myself of Dr. Santoro's Existential Paradox which says:

We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults
but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.

I think this is from Alcohol Anonymous but don't quote me on that.  Regardless, I find this very centering when I get caught up in the rabbit hole of wondering who I would be if things had been different.  It helps me to focus on separating more and more from the abuse.  I still get angry about my past though and how what seemed like choices were in fact the result of grooming by my mother, or more to the point, my choices were *conditioned* choices.  Choices made because of the brainwashing and abuse and emotional blackmail I was born into.

FoxC, you are doing some very good work here and I appreciate your openness with all of this.  I will be awaiting to hear more from you, as always.  It is good to have you here.

[FoxC]

Hey Harri, thanks for your reply.

My mother has always wanted to protect me from abusive relationships (that's one of the keys why I hadn't have any for so long), but she has no idea how her own abusive behavior has influenced my uhm... tolerance for abuse. And that's sad.
I think this tolerance, openness and empathy have done their job... .My No2, having no true opinion... .My BPDbf is extremely stubborn and hardly anything could change HIS mind once he's decided. Me being so flexible, I saw no need to stand in the other side while I could stand in his side... .But I guess flexible as I am, I can still break. And my tolerance will eventually saturate.

[Kwamina]

Hi again FoxC

This leads me to thinking, that if I see all this bad stuff that took place in my childhood so negatively, I therefore see ME negatively today as well. Because one has lead to another.

I think you make a very important point here. The child you were deserves a lot of respect and love for what she endured and was able to survive so you could be here today  

But I wouldn't like to paint all this past craziness in rose and live in denial neither. So I think I've created this thread just to take things as they are: understand all the drawbacks of my personality (without hating) and to squeeze some positive aspects out of all of this, if any.

And you make another very important point here (you're on a roll! ). Radical acceptance comes to mind, accepting reality for what it is and as it is: "Accept each moment, each event as a blanket spread out on the lawn accepts both rain and sun, each leaf that falls upon it. Acknowledge the helpful, the wholesome, but don't judge it. Acknowledge the harmful, the unwholesome, but don't judge it. When you find yourself judging, don't judge your judging."

But to compensate this disability, I would then comfort myself by exaggerating my self-sense even more in my head. I know, it looks a bit NP/BPD to me, but it is how it is and I'm trying to understand it in order to work on it.

Well actually, to me it mostly looks like a coping mechanism you probably developed as a child to help you deal with the negativity you were faced with. Perhaps this was your way as a young child to fight off the inner critic to prevent you from being emotionally and spiritually completely dragged down.

My mother has always wanted to protect me from abusive relationships (that's one of the keys why I hadn't have any for so long), but she has no idea how her own abusive behavior has influenced my uhm... tolerance for abuse. And that's sad.

I can very much relate to what you say here. I was 'taught' as a child that it's not ok for me to get angry at my uBPD family-members, no matter how outragously they behaved. They however were 'allowed' to show anger (read: uncontrollable rage) whenever they wanted to and I of course was not 'allowed' to defend myself. Being raised this way pretty much set me up to experience more abuse outside of the house while not defending myself. I am changing the dynamic, but it's sad that my uBPD family-members' behavior affected so many areas of my life. Fortunately I'm an adult now and I too can make use of Harripollyanna's advice

Take care

The Board Parrot

[RJ2018]

Very great topic and yes, definitely something I've thought more and more about myself as I learn and observe more about my mom and what this illness has done to her and our family.

My brother and I have occasionally over the years made the other promise to be the major voice of reason should either of us ever begin acting like my mom when at her worst... .and also to listen to that voice of reason when it comes. I know that realistically, that idea will actually turn out to be a lot easier said than done in actual practice, but hey... .at least we're doing what we can to be proactive and acknowledging the "maybe" elephant in the room, right?

But one major side effect I am pretty certain is a result of a certain aspect of my mom's upbringing of me: my profound indecisiveness. I struggle with this, my brother struggles with this, and we're pretty sure it's because for all of our childhood and even into our early adulthood, my mom ran and was in charge of things and made most of our decisions -- whether we wanted her to or not. One big thing I remember from my childhood that used to really bother me and still sticks with me to this day was my mom's tendency to take over my school projects and reports. Either she'd "help" me by doing or coming up with ideas for most or all of it OR, for me to mostly do it or we mostly use my ideas, I was on my own. For a long time and even still, my brother and I have struggled with no decision or idea really seeming good enough if she isn't in some way involved in it -- like it'll only work with her golden touch and stamp of approval.

Also, my sensitivity. I've always been sensitive, even as a child (back then, I was way even more sensitive), and I don't even necessarily think my mom was directly responsible for that trait. But as I've gotten older and she's gotten older, I've come to know how incredibly sensitive she can be -- contrary to my impression of her growing up -- and so I've especially lately been questioning that in myself. Particularly when it comes to my expectations of and pet peeves related to others... .things that long seemed very reasonable to me, even if others didn't understand, relate, or agree. I'd been thinking lately, "But doesn't my mom think the exact same way about her expectations and annoyances of others that I KNOW are very unreasonable and even irrational? Soo what might that say about me and mine?" Even how I've sometimes gone off on people, especially in text form (text message, e-mail, etc.), with SOME similarities to how my mom will sometimes think and go off on people and also often in text form, Lol... I'm like oh geez. My brother has noticed the same about himself with others as well.

But ok, I'll stop there for now. Those are just two of the big ones that come to mind.

But FoxC, your #s 1 and 2 really hit home. I never looked at my self-esteem like that, but when I think about it, I can relate. Sometimes I do think I have exceptionally high self-esteem and kind of think I'm better than others and exTREMEly unique and special,  -- totally one-of-a-kind. And other times, I'm vey insecure, self-doubting, self-pitying, and feel not good-enough. It is definitely weird, and I'm glad you articulated that thought. I don't know if that's a BPD thing, a different mental-health thing, a human thing, or what, but it's certainly a... .thing.

And for #2... .so, I've always been pretty opinionated and I used to really love to debate, so I can't necessarily say that I'm afraid to disagree, but I have also noticed an usual amount of "seeing both/all sides" of arguments and topics compared to others I discuss things with. I've actually often seen this as a good thing -- that I'm flexible, well-rounded, and open-minded and I understand that honestly... .there are always multiple sides. Rarely is one side of anything ever completely right or the truth. Also, if anything, instead of being afraid of disagreeing, I think I'm more inclined to disagree with people first, Lol... Or I'll always feel the need to provide balance. Like literally, if I'm talking to someone who is pro-abortion, I tend to say I get that side but also argue all of the understandable points of pro-choice. And if I'm talking to someone who is pro-choice, I do the same -- "I definitely get what you're saying, but... .and etc. etc. etc. all thigns pro-abortion." ... Soo to your point... .I've sometimes question whether I am overkill with this. I've had to consciously remind myself that it's OK to agree with everything or most of what someone says and just keep it moving. And then there are topics that I truly find it hard to have a strong opinion one way or another about, and I've actually told friends that I'm glad I'm not a politician because I wouldn't want to have to come down firmly on certain various key and controversial topics and laws. They can have it! ...

So anywho... Just wanted to share those few thoughts on your thoughts. Thank you again for the topic! We'll work through all of this! In one way or another!