POLL: How are you handling break up threats?

[pearlsw]

Hi Everyone,

One of the things that brought me to this site were the ever increasing breakup threats of my SO with BPD traits. I had never experienced, or even imagined, such a thing and it was really hard to find any kind of information about it.

After spending time here I had a   moment. These frequent break-up threats are a thing! How had I never heard of this I wondered?

Looking back I realized they started happening immediately. They evolved in their character, frequency, intensity, and impact, but they were always there and they caused a lot of unexpected damage along the way, and have made it nearly impossible to go on together. (I honestly would have not tolerated them for so long if I was not overseas and hadn't given up my old life entirely for this one, but this reason has it's limits too.)

So, to build a little community with others who face this painful behavior, can you tell us about what they are like and how you are handling them?

Will this cause the end of your relationship?

with compassion, pearl.

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[CynValkyrie]

I haven't had a ton of breakup threats through our years together (12yrs) until this last year.
They come every few months in the forms of threats to "move out of this hell hole"

The last one I heard was "Fine. I'm going to leave and take our daughter. You cannot be trusted alone with her!"

That really was the straw that led me on the path here.
 

[hellosun]

You need “once a year or less” as an option.

The last time my husband threatened to leave me (about 10 months ago), I was really supportive of his decision. He changed his tune within a couple hours. *facepalm*

If he ever tries it again, I will react in exactly the same way. Might even go further and actually divorce him... .(Only partly kidding.) He likely senses that I’ve lost patience for this particular drama, so I doubt he’ll try it again any time soon.

[pearlsw]

I haven't had a ton of breakup threats through our years together (12yrs) until this last year.
They come every few months in the forms of threats to "move out of this hell hole"

The last one I heard was "Fine. I'm going to leave and take our daughter. You cannot be trusted alone with her!"

That really was the straw that led me on the path here.
 

Hi CynValkyrie,

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! Do you think that was a real threat or a hollow one about your daughter? I imagine either way it is very upsetting to hear!

wishing you the best, pearl.

[pearlsw]

You need “once a year or less” as an option.

The last time my husband threatened to leave me (about 10 months ago), I was really supportive of his decision. He changed his tune within a couple hours. *facepalm*

If he ever tries it again, I will react in exactly the same way. Might even go further and actually divorce him... .(Only partly kidding.) He likely senses that I’ve lost patience for this particular drama, so I doubt he’ll try it again any time soon.

Hi hellosun!

Thanks for dropping by!

I ran out of choices, or I would add that! Sorry!  

I can’t imagine that long without a breakup threat from him - 10 mo’s.

I’m not sure how long I would even need to feel “normal” about this relationship at this point.

The longest I can remember is 1.5 mo’s. I fall for it every time, my brain somehow shifts back to normal and thinks things will be “normal” (no breakups) but it is never is.

So do you feel like you have a good strategy on dealing with this? Or he’s just now one to do this?

take care, pearl.

[once removed]

my ex and i never recycled, we made hundreds (literally) of breakup threats to get our way or when we lost our cool that we had no real intention of following through.

theyre really just as destructive as recycling 10 times.

i drove it, in that i did it the most. i knew it was destructive. i should have led by example, and the two of us should have agreed to cut it out (or for that matter followed through if we were serious).

as for how i would handle it when she made them? badly. i would say things like "thank god" to set her off.

[Radcliff]

We've been married over twenty years, and nearly since the beginning there have been divorce threats from my wife.  In the last several years they escalated in severity, with very vivid threats that her lawyer would eviscerate me, that I'd never sleep under the same roof as my children again, that she'd take out a domestic violence restraining order against me.  She seemed to want to break up the marriage, but have me do all the work, as she never followed through on the threats, but seemed to be trying to escalate abuse to get me to be the one to leave.  Yet since we've been separated (8 months) she has told others that she doesn't want to lose me.  Go figure.

I was never able to stop the breakup threats.  But I didn't beg.  I told her I loved her, I believed in us, and I didn't want that to happen, but she was a grown woman and could do what she wanted.  She tried to make it seem like I was abusive and trapping her, so I made it clear that the door was available.  She liked to threaten to have me served with divorce papers at work.  I said I'd be happy if she gave my phone number to the process server and I'd meet them whenever it was convenient for them.

The divorce threats were absolutely devastating to our marriage.  Every white cycle when it felt like we were building something, the divorce threat would tear everything down to nothing.  Imagine a 30 year relationship falling back to zero trust with every divorce threat.  Ugh.

WW

[loyalwife]

We have been married for four years. The threats started a few years ago, when suddenly he announced that he was filing paperwork, stopped the car, and started to run (with the keys). After running after him for a mile or so, I called my son to pick me up. This is really when the craziness started. The next day he was back, but then a few months later, the threats kept coming. He filed twice last year (to the tune of $15,000. in attorney fees), and I was never served. I finally said "I'm moving on, and you can have everything. I'm finished". He buckled and we seemed to be doing better, with BPD nothing is ever 'better'. Just recently he was in a rage and said he was done with me. Rather than wait for him to do the escalating, I sat him down 'again', and said "I will move this time for sure." He buckled again. He then told me a few days ago, that I should just ignore him when he is in one of his moods.  So the next time he went down the rabbit hole (my wordage for episodes) I ignored him and went to sleep.  The next morning, I let him sleep in and then with the brightest smile I could muster said "good morning I hope you slept well. Are you feeling better?"  He was a completely different person, the one that I like.  This may not work for all, but I think that if you give them enough space they level out sooner. With each threat though, I feel stronger and stronger and know that at some point, it may not be his choice. 

[pearlsw]

my ex and i never recycled, we made hundreds (literally) of breakup threats to get our way or when we lost our cool that we had no real intention of following through.

theyre really just as destructive as recycling 10 times.

oh wow, once removed! ouch!

i had a bit of sympathy for him at first because in a previous relationship i had the urge to break up quite often. i would bring up the topic, but not make threats. i noticed it coincided with my cycles, yowza, so i paid attention to that and got a handle on myself, didn’t allow myself to take any of my break up thoughts during that time of the month seriously.

so, seeing him do this over and over, gave me a clue that it might have a biological component. and start to suspect mood swings.

clues, clues, clues.

hope you are living free of such pain now buddy! 

[pearlsw]

I was never able to stop the breakup threats.  But I didn't beg.  I told her I loved her, I believed in us, and I didn't want that to happen, but she was a grown woman and could do what she wanted.  She tried to make it seem like I was abusive and trapping her, so I made it clear that the door was available.  She liked to threaten to have me served with divorce papers at work.  I said I'd be happy if she gave my phone number to the process server and I'd meet them whenever it was convenient for them.

The divorce threats were absolutely devastating to our marriage.  Every white cycle when it felt like we were building something, the divorce threat would tear everything down to nothing.  Imagine a 30 year relationship falling back to zero trust with every divorce threat.  Ugh.

WW

Hey WW,

Thanks for your steady guidance, support, and insights on this topic.

Your following of my story since last fall helped me to develop and change my thinking on this.

I had a lot to balance. Needing to make amends to some degree, so there was a small measure of pursuit that was also in order, up to a point, but definitely no more. Thanks for your engagement on letting me figure out the best approach on this ever-changing, incredibly difficult topic that it is so hard to wrap your mind around.

Sorry your marriage has been so challenging for so long. It is painful to even contemplate 30 years of such threats! Hope things work out for the best for you amigo!

sincerely, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Thanks, pearl, for your steady compassion, and your leadership in starting this thread!  I find myself trying not to think about the damage these threats have caused, but the truth is that I'm not nearly done processing it, and need to acknowledge what happened after stuffing things for years as a coping mechanism.

From what I've heard of others' experiences, the most effective thing may be to call their bluff.  But one's ability to do this may be limited by factors such as the presence of small children, financial considerations, isolation from a support network, disability, etc.  I'd be particularly interested in hearing from members with any of these situations who can share their perspectives.  Was anything effective?

WW

[Calmcollected]

I have him threaten and bluster and blow. He will say take what you want and get out. So I grab him by the hand and tell him he’s the only thing I want, “so, let’s go then”
He calms down after awhile when I do that.

[pearlsw]

I have him threaten and bluster and blow. He will say take what you want and get out. So I grab him by the hand and tell him he’s the only thing I want, “so, let’s go then”
He calms down after awhile when I do that.

Hi Calmcollected,

Oh that’s interesting! You find some physical connection and calling his bluff helps?

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

the truth is that I'm not nearly done processing it, and need to acknowledge what happened after stuffing things for years as a coping mechanism.

WW

Hey WW!

What do you think you need to do in terms of processing? Your threats, since they included kids and false accusations, seem even more harrowing!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Dew Pepper]

i like these suggestions. At our house I use a combo of letting DH stay curled up in bed in peace, and reminding him I love him no matter what.

[braveSun]

I fall for it every time, my brain somehow shifts back to normal and thinks things will be “normal” (no breakups) but it is never is.

Hmm... I'm like that too. And I went through some quite dramatic breakups too. I will never forget the first one she did on my birthday... Granted she didn't know at the time it was my birthday.

Now I have come to learn that she does these threats as a way to process her own feelings when she feels discouraged about an issue she cannot control. Like she doesn't want so much the break up, but she will give up on hope, and will try to persuade me (or even prove to me) that I am better off leaving the relationship. Will try to provoke some form of action in a way or another.

I usually keep pretty calm in these moments. SET in a way.

I hear that she feels like breaking up.
I feel this way sometimes. We all have our times when we feel discouraged.
I know that this moment will pass and that she will feel differently about the relationship later.
> I have reminded her of the time when she broke up with me at my birthday (22 yrs ago). That usually brings up a giggle.

> I have reminded her examples of other times when we got through some difficulties together. Brought in the bigger picture. Seemed to have helped some of the times.

Other times there have been just periods of silent treatment. Or no contact for a few days.

Now the threats have switched to something else. They are more about her withdrawing her financial support. Now that I have come to join her in her country I am financially dependent on her. She'll threaten to stop giving me money, or to 'send me back to my country', that sort of thing.

What I find the most difficult is to live with these bedrock types of shocks. The instability.

I can process once I have space for myself. I can self-soothe, can sort out my own feelings, make my own plans. I can communicate with others who have been there like me, find my balance back, make my own decisions.

But every time after these moments, once alone, I find myself going through big jolts of doubts. About my choices regarding the relationship, my choices of career, the plans I had in mind when I came to live here in her country, the decision I took when I signed with her on this apartment. It's the energetic aftershocks that are more damaging for me. It can be subtle. It's unsettling.

And it takes it's toll on my confidence in the relationship over time.

I find this question interesting because lately I've been wondering why I had not finished all the curtains in the apartment. Although I am here doing this, I feel almost sometimes as if I was illegitimate in some way. Like I'm not sure if it makes sense for me to establish myself fully here in her country if I don't know that I will be able to find my happiness in this situation. The building this life thing, with the possible tearing down to nothing WW talks about. I get the feeling.

[Struggler123]

Question is when do these threats actually lead to real life situations where they arent threats anymore.

For instance, my ex would constantly say shes gonna marry someone else and get engaged to someone else. After 10 months of threats, her engagement is next week and her social media is on fire. All the while, while shes still messaging telling me how it doesn’t feel right and how I won’t stop her... .

[pearlsw]

And it takes it's toll on my confidence in the relationship over time.

I find this question interesting because lately I've been wondering why I had not finished all the curtains in the apartment. Although I am here doing this, I feel almost sometimes as if I was illegitimate in some way. Like I'm not sure if it makes sense for me to establish myself fully here in her country if I don't know that I will be able to find my happiness in this situation. The building this life thing, with the possible tearing down to nothing WW talks about. I get the feeling.

Hi braveSun,

What you wrote brought up a lot of memories for me! There are so many countless ways this impacts us!

You remind me that even after living here more than 5 years it has never felt like home to me. While he never exactly threatened to put me in the streets, it felt that way. I feel like I live in some kind of endless limbo. I can't settle in. Ever.

One of the worst parts of the cycle for me is actually when either takes the threat back and “all is fine”, or sweeps it all under the rug as if it never happened. It is so wrong that the relationship exists or doesn’t based upon his mood swings and cruel words. I have talked to him about this at times…He does get it, at times, how messed up this is, but never seems to be able to stop it…

Mentally it also switched me into another headspace, this is off, I’m single. But I wasn’t.

I’m impressed you can find any humor in this. I do too at times. He insists now this will stop breaking up since he’s taking medication and feels better, but he hasn’t. He even was talking about getting a tattoo in “my honor”…and I had to remind him he just tried breaking up with me 2 weeks ago, probably not a good idea!  We did laugh…But I think his mind just blocks out what he does somehow. But I remember and I can't live like this forever... .

with deep compassion, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Question is when do these threats actually lead to real life situations where they arent threats anymore.

For instance, my ex would constantly say shes gonna marry someone else and get engaged to someone else. After 10 months of threats, her engagement is next week and her social media is on fire. All the while, while shes still messaging telling me how it doesn’t feel right and how I won’t stop her... .

Fair point Struggler123!

Is it just me or is it more the females than the males on the boards that leave like this? I can't think of stories where men did this, but I could be totally wrong!

He would often follow up such threats with putting on a big show that he was online dating, or "had a line of women" who wanted him, or had gotten recommendations from relatives on others to hurriedly marry, or would bring someone to live with us that he would also "marry."

It was all such b.s. but early on I had no clue and it really affected me. I am not jealous and it also seemed he really wanted to be with me at times, it did not undermine my confidence, but it destroyed any sense of stability or normalcy I had. The "normal" train left the station years ago!  

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

i like these suggestions. At our house I use a combo of letting DH stay curled up in bed in peace, and reminding him I love him no matter what.

Hi Dew Pepper,

Do the words impact you much? Does it feel like there is ever enough love? Will he stop in your case?

warmly, pearl.

[Struggler123]

Fair point Struggler123!

Is it just me or is it more the females than the males on the boards that leave like this? I can't think of stories where men did this, but I could be totally wrong!

He would often follow up such threats with putting on a big show that he was online dating, or "had a line of women" who wanted him, or had gotten recommendations from relatives on others to hurriedly marry, or would bring someone to live with his that he was also "marry."

It was all such b.s. but early on I had no clue and it really affected me. I am not jealous and it also seemed he really wanted to be with me at times, it did not undermine my confidence, but it destroyed any sense of stability or normalcy I had. The "normal" train left the station years ago!  

warmly, pearl.

It’s just kind of sad, how we actually try to make the abnormality of the threats into something normal. It kind of explains how we too have self esteem issues, in no way am I directing this at those that are married/have children, I understand how binding that is and that’s what makes it so difficult. I’d be lying if I said I was completely deattaches but, I’ve slowly accepted that diving head into a pit is never a good idea. I feel at the current stage im less tolerant of such behavoir, if a girl threatens me with ultimatums im more likely to walk away and now im looking back at it, how I thought despite all these threats that things would get better.

[pearlsw]

It’s just kind of sad, how we actually try to make the abnormality of the threats into something normal. It kind of explains how we too have self esteem issues, in no way am I directing this at those that are married/have children, I understand how binding that is and that’s what makes it so difficult. I’d be lying if I said I was completely deattaches but, I’ve slowly accepted that diving head into a pit is never a good idea. I feel at the current stage im less tolerant of such behavoir, if a girl threatens me with ultimatums im more likely to walk away and now im looking back at it, how I thought despite all these threats that things would get better.

Hey Struggler123,

I hear ya! If I had known what I was in for I would not have done this relationship.

In my case, I gave him breaks early on because it seemed like there were some valid reasons for what I mistook as just his hesitancy to start a relationship. I did not realize I was walking into a sea of mental health issues and I had no life raft!

I thought in time his reasons to break would subside. The early breaks were emotionally painful, but not mean. They later became meaner and meaner.

I don't tolerate them any more. He threatens to go to a divorce lawyer I say okay. He is the one who ends up folding, so far.

My self-esteem is solid and I still feel pretty emotionally strong. For me a break up is final. Once this ends, if I end it, there is no going back, so I want to be sure it’s really over or a final breakup won’t take. I am overseas and when countries, continents, oceans, immigration and citizenship get involved I don’t take my decision to make a final break lightly. He got way too many chances though. I think this would have ended after 3-4 years, 5 tops, if I was in my home country. Sigh.

warmly, pearl.

[snowglobe]

Dear @Pearl,
I’m so sorry you are also experiencing this emotional suffocation in a form of break up threats. I also went and occasionally go through it. When he doesn’t get what he wants, it’s almost certainly, he escalates “the call to the supervisor”, which was undoubtedly was and still is reinforcing on two levels: one- I stop and halt whatever I was persuading in fear of loosing him, he keeps doing what is working, second- he gets reinforced of his importance and being irreplaceable when he sees me cry, being sad and broken. Those two things were the majority factor of control in our relationships. He always ran, even though he wanted to “play cooperatively”, and I was always chase, because I fear his abandonment.
In terms of the impact for me; it pushed me to consider and plan for things I never wanted to. It made me hypervigilant, jumpy, await for the worse and never being able to relax. Years ago we made a promise that we won’t say or bring up the “d” word, unless we are actually going through it. That stuck, but he replaced it with threats of leaving, moving out and etc.
I’m intimately familiar with what members describe is an outrageous behaviour to cause us, nons, to start the process themselves. I also experienced that. He would push me towards: go get yourself a boyfriend so I can finally divorce you, or get him to support you. I’m moving out threats; to the basement or a small apartment because I’m not happy with you. Sharing our marital issues with other people, such as handyman, as for a reason of not going through with a contract because he is “fighting with his wife”, his partner, mutual friends, when he felt compelled to cancel a date, my parents when they wanted to speak to him and find out the cause of his behaviour.
The hurt and resentment for his behaving the way he does is growing every year. At the end, it is a death by 1000 cuts. When the trust is broken, and you can’t plan long term, it erodes the relationships at the core.
One of the biggest triggers for my uBPDh is “can we have a talk? Figure things out?” He simply can’t. At all... .if it isn’t initiated by him, and he isn’t interested in straightening me out, these types of talk trigger him into hopelessness and distraction. So I generally stop speaking to him like that. We never have any intimate conversations, it’s mostly just physical sex, when he is ok with me, and talking about him and his issues, rarely kids. There isn’t much room for me in these relationships.

[pearlsw]

Dear @Pearl,

The hurt and resentment for his behaving the way he does is growing every year. At the end, it is a death by 1000 cuts. When the trust is broken, and you can’t plan long term, it erodes the relationships at the core.

Hi Snowglobe,

You said it so perfectly! Death by a 1000 cuts. I know of a painting by the artist Frida Kahlo called "A Few Small Nips" that invokes this feeling whenever I see it. The image is of a man standing over a woman lying in bed, her body bleeding everywhere from cuts. It was based on a story of someone who offered that as his excuse for murder, he'd just "made a few small nips." But to me it also symbolizes the damage by "small cuts" one partner can do to another.

Yes, I could never plan a life and that is driving me nuts! I feel like I've been put on hold for years now... .and I just wait and wait for life to begin. I'm beyond tired of waiting.

I feel a real sense of urgency to get my life going instead of watching more months and years go down the drain. I think I will never feel secure in this relationship though he insists lately he wants that for me with him.

He has always been extremely jealous and his response is to keep me tethered to him. I wish I had taken this jealousy stuff much more seriously. I seriously underestimated his ability to try to wear me down to a shadow of my former self. He hasn’t though. And he would say he does not want to be so controlling, but…he is a very difficult person to be with. It breaks my heart really. I am sure we were once quite in love and full of hope.

take care, pearl.

[braveSun]

You remind me that even after living here more than 5 years it has never felt like home to me. While he never exactly threatened to put me in the streets, it felt that way. I feel like I live in some kind of endless limbo. I can't settle in. Ever.

Five years and still not feeling at home, it is a difficult experience to have.  
 
I can see how one would feel tired of waiting for life to begin.

One of the worst parts of the cycle for me is actually when either takes the threat back and “all is fine”, or sweeps it all under the rug as if it never happened. It is so wrong that the relationship exists or doesn’t based upon his mood swings and cruel words. I have talked to him about this at times…He does get it, at times, how messed up this is, but never seems to be able to stop it…

I had to detach from my spouse's visions of the relationship all together, because of the emotional boomerang effect it has on me. I had to decide what the experience meant for me at some point. Like OK, it will never be the kind of relationship I had in mind. But I am sincere and she is sincere too, in both types of moments. She is the one who has the extreme mood swings and I am more of the middle of the road type. Like you, I remember the overall relationship, don't change status off and on so much. But it also feels very lonely at times. Overall, if I decide to stay, I will have to have some good sources of stimulation and fulfillment in my life, outside of the relationship. For instance, living in this beautiful city and working in my field energizes me. So far the move to the apartment we chose and started together in the city seems to be a good thing.

Do you have other things or aspects of your experience living in your husband's country that you find enjoyable and brings you some form of stimulation and/or fulfillment?

Mentally it also switched me into another headspace, this is off, I’m single. But I wasn’t.

No you were not. The mental bending is something I feel I need to be very careful with. My reality is mine. I cannot let my spouse's vision of things take over everything in my life. That's where I was saying that I felt like questioning myself after a dysregulating moment. The energetic swing takes me out on a limb, and with my steady self-care practice, I can snap back regularly. The experience of it, though, is that it sends me in lalaland every time.

But I think his mind just blocks out what he does somehow.

I see this as a form of dissociation. Being there when the stress levels are low, not being there when the stress levels are higher. I'm convinced we all do some of it. Being a non, I don't have the same level of internal reorganization in my perceptions when stress levels change, but I know I need to adapt to some degree. I like to be reminded when I do, though.

I'm not sure if you mentioned this before. Do you mind me asking if your husband has a therapist?


Deep compassion here too, Pearl...     

You've helped so many people!...

Brave

[pearlsw]

Five years and still not feeling at home, it is a difficult experience to have.  
 
I can see how one would feel tired of waiting for life to begin.

I'm not sure if you mentioned this before. Do you mind me asking if your husband has a therapist?

Deep compassion here too, Pearl...     

You've helped so many people!...

Brave

Awwww braveSun, so do you! So do you!

You are so sweet!  

No, he does not have a therapist. It was a lot of heavy lifting just to get him to a doctor and start taking medication. It was hour to hour work to keep him on it. After that I just sort of fell into a mode of wanting to cling to this small bit of stability we suddenly had, but we don't really have stability. I am the stability. Nearly all of it.

I am wondering if I should make an effort towards getting him to a therapist. Money is always an issue around with such things unfortunately, plus how he'd do emotionally - whether this would make things better or worse to be honest.

He has a new job, he's had it a few months now, I don't know hoq he managed to get one again after getting laid off suddenly at the start of the year. We both pulled him across that goal line! It feels like a miracle he started and has kept his job! I am proud of him for this. I don't think his schedule would allow for this. He works more hours than before and sleeps a lot. His drinking is picking up... .I have on eye on that. Last thing we need is for him to become an alcoholic... .but he has expressed concerns. He does have a tendency towards addiction I think, but he may be able to stop himself... .we'll see... .

In fairness to him I haven't had a sense of home in a long time after my family fell apart when I was 16 after one of my parents died and the other lost focus on us kids. This was supposed to be home, finally, after a lifetime of hoping. It isn't. But it's mostly because of his cruel words and breakups.

I did pretty well for awhile with Radical Acceptance. And I was ready to go down with this ship with him, give it my all, at any price. After he messed with my family all bets were off for me. It's hard to be on the same team once you've been backstabbed that hard I've found. But I do my best. At times he wants to drive me away I think, make me hate him and leave him because it is too painful for him to be with me, but he wants me. Lately he cries and says he "does not know how to love" and is very sorry for all the damage he's caused.

I am pretty self-sufficient and could handle a lot, but the breakup threats have to stop. Even today... .as decent of a day it has been... .it haunts me... .all that he's said and done. I wish I wasn't overseas and so limited, in such an all or nothing situation with so little resources to back me up.

Today he got upset that I said something nice about a soccer player's face and then about some of my students whom I relate to... .he took it as a criticism of himself somehow. I set a pretty firm boundary on jealousy and being able to speak my mind (what I said had nothing to do with him at all) and he got it and let it go. He feels pretty inadequate at times. I let him know if he needed a compliment/to hear nice things just ask, but don't make it so I can't make a random observation about a person from my culture or another culture, etc. He said he felt I was saying he was not good looking or not nice. Complete distortion. He is good looking and if he wants to be complimented for being nice, just be nice. I can compliment him anytime. He got it though and it went okay, but I don't like feeling like I have to instruct on such things, but that is part of the deal with him. It's a lot of extra emotional work.

This country is nice in many ways, peaceful, quiet, beautiful scenery. Neither of us are citizens here though, so that adds complications. I wish I could be here independently, have some space, but that seems unlikely. He's been very sweet for the last week, but that can change at any time... .and then he'll turn the whole world upside down again. We talk a little, he knows his breakup stuff is ruining everything. He is very afraid to lose me. (I am not afraid to lose him anymore.) Well, until he starts breaking up with me again, then all bets are off and he's got to make me feel his pain, and then he's sorry, etc., etc.

Oh, I hear ya! I have to stand pretty firmly not to be thrown by his emotional storms and precarious relationship with reality.

Thanks so much for letting me get this all out!

Do you have a time frame for figuring out if you will stay or not? Or is it open?

big hugs,    pearl.

[braveSun]

Dear Pearl!...   This all sounds a bit discouraging... I don't have a time frame for the relationship, but I do not want to be in the same situation in 4-5 years from now. I am learning from yours and other people's experiences on these boards, and I must say, the more I learn, the more I do need a job very soon. 

That's the change I am going to work towards now. Once I can afford my share of the apartment and my own living expenses, I'll see how and if there is a change in the relationship.

Once I have an income, I will also look into therapy for myself. I have had periods with a T and periods without, and I find that it has helped me stay more focused and calmer overall. Less sucked in.

I see it's good that you have a grasp on what is really happening with your situation and you are a strong person. It's unfortunate that neither of you are having any roots in the country you are in. And that money is a bit of a concern for therapy for your husband. I know it can take some of the weight off of you.  At same time, it has to be his decision. You can't drag him there, you're absolutely right about the waste of money and energy if he doesn't decide to do it for himself.   

It must be extra hard on you not being able to find yourself at home. There I would not hesitate to explore different possibilities where I could maybe define what my home would be like. Where? Who could help me?

I know it's not in sight for you now. But I'll say, anything you set yourself to do, I'm confident you'll find support on the way. 


 

Brave