How do I protect our kids from emotional hurt?

[swan716]

I believe my husband to have undiagnosed BPD. Long history of rages, slamming things, occasionally breaking things, never apologizing and emotionally needy. My Mom and sister don't get along with him because of how he has hurt me and controlled the lack of a relationship with our kids. Over the last week, my brother n law got into a motorcycle accident and I helped by taking him his clothes to the hospital (where I work). My husband says "I'm really irritated that everyone is rallying around him, poor guy, and no one gives a rat's a@# when I was in the hospital! " He is upset that I was helping my brother n law.

Then, for the past two nights he hasn't acknowledged me, got up in the night cursing, slamming things, speeding up the road, going to the bar, etc. My kids ask "are you guys fighting again?" I don't know what to tell them because I'm not fighting. Their Dad is acting out. My kids are clearly emotionally upset because this happens often. What do I do? Thank you for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CynValkyrie]

Hello,
I am new here but I wanted to comment and let you know that you're not alone in this.
I have a 4 year old and I am worried for her as well because of similar things.  Father acting out, bouts of rage, slamming doors/breaking things and general outlandish behavior.  
I'd like to follow this thread to see what the others may advise.

Some advice I was recently given was to talk to the kids and remind them "Sometimes when we are very upset we do and say things we don't mean.  It doesn't make those behaviors okay.  But it's important we recognize when we are starting to feel out of control and try to focus on something such as finding 5 things in the room/area - what you can hear, see, smell, feel and taste.  or just 5 things around the room and describe them in your head.
To help the kids start managing their emotions to avoid outbursts like that and bring them back into their more logical brain.   
And also to help the kids understand that this behavior is not acceptable but we are human and we do and say things we don't mean.   

I am so sorry you're going through this and I hope you can find some comfort and support here.
-Valkyrie

[swan716]

Thank you very much Cynvalkyrie! I will try that with my kids. I have talked to them already about sometimes we say things we don't mean, people make mistakes sometimes, but the out of control behavior is not ok. My son told me the other day he loves me more because Daddy cussed and rages too much. I told him, you just don't like Daddy's behavior when that happens but you love him the same. The problem is that this happens often and repeatedly. It is hard enough for me to respond effectively (validate, don't defend, listen), but I can't expect my children to develop this skill. I can barely do it. I do it until I am basically feeling abused and my self respect is taken away and then I ask him "why is he treating me this way?" He just seems to have zero accountability. All that matters is HIS feelings, how I'm making HIM feel, and how he is the victim because of his past and how insecure he is. I am so alone and coming near to my breaking point. I think I may have to come up with an emergency plan if he continues to do this, like leave with the kids to my Moms for the night. However I don't know what my legal rights are to do this. I have thought about talking to a lawyer but he monitors my calls. If I use another phone and do it secretive I will have further destroyed his trust in me.

I am so sorry you are going through this as well. After reading many books and talking to counselors, my best answer is to speak honestly and graciously to our partners and establish some boundaries. Say "I feel angry and hurt when you yell and slam things." If you don't stop, I will leave for the night. I just haven't had the courage to do this. I will pray for you and your family!

[marie burton]

I am also in the same terrible situation . The point is at this point according to my mentally ill hisband is that she doesnt respect him . I can honestly say she doesnt nor do I . I can see where my daughter is coming from . Does she say disrespectful things to him no its the opposite she trys so hard to obtain love from him that he is unable to give . Then its his terrible temper tantrums , fits of violence , and threats and his constant divalue of me to hrr

[Radcliff]

Welcome, swan176!  As you can see from the first two members who have replied to you, this is a good place to get support from those who have had similar experiences.  You've gotten great advice already from CynValkyrie.

To help us understand your situation better, can you tell us how long you've been married, and how old your kids are?

Can I ask you if you feel physically safe?

You mentioned that he monitors your calls.  Are there any other behaviors that concern you that limit your freedom or access to support, such as restricting transportation?  Do you work outside the home?

In a situation like yours, outside support is extremely important.  We understand what you are going through.  You are not alone.  We can help you navigate the situation and learn skills to improve things for you and your kids.

WW

[swan716]

Thank you Wentworth for listening!

I have been married 18 years. I have 2 children ages 13 and 10. Other than monitoring my phonecalls, my emails have been read and my social media has been hacked. I had to get rid of facebook (he was telling me to delete all the single guys, he was airing our dirty laundry on facebook, and making changes on my account like deleting my pictures, and accepting friend requests from people I didn't know.

My children and I are safe, no physical violence and I work outside the home and have my own car. I confronted my husband last night on these last three days and he told me it is due to stress at work, not sleeping,  and not eating at work. I told him he must somehow manage his work stress and/or coping skills. I also expressed to him he never apologizes when this happens. He did then apologize however said he feels like he can never have a "bad day."

I am now wondering if I need help. I was so anxious and depressed yesterday that I had to call out from work. Partially it was because also, my H promised to take my daughter to her party then later said he couldn't. I couldn't bear to have my daughter not go. My anxiety caused me to contact a lawyer about my legal right to take my kids for the night if and when I need to if my husband is raging. I also had to call a counselor. I cannot handle when I feel he is upset with me. I also had chest pain (the night he was raging). I must learn how to cope, myself, with my H's behaviors. I told him how he made me feel but it turned into how he responds differently than I do to stress and he needs to be "himself."

[Panda39]

Hi swan716,

It  sounds like you have 2 issues going on, one is your own ability to cope with your husband and the other is how to support your kids cope with their dad's behaviors.

I just wanted to pop in and share a link to the "Lessons" on the Co-parenting Board, when you have a chance you might want to take a look.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Lesson 5 is particularly good it's about "Raising Resilient Kids" and speaks to validating your kids, and listening to their feelings.
 
Do either of your children see a Therapist?  If not that could be helpful to them... .to be able to talk with someone outside the conflict at home and someone that could provide them with tools to cope.

Just some food for thought.
Take Care 
Panda39

[pearlsw]

Other than monitoring my phonecalls, my emails have been read and my social media has been hacked.

I am now wondering if I need help. I was so anxious and depressed yesterday that I had to call out from work. Partially it was because also, my H promised to take my daughter to her party then later said he couldn't. I couldn't bear to have my daughter not go. My anxiety caused me to contact a lawyer about my legal right to take my kids for the night if and when I need to if my husband is raging. I also had to call a counselor. I cannot handle when I feel he is upset with me. I also had chest pain (the night he was raging). I must learn how to cope, myself, with my H's behaviors. I told him how he made me feel but it turned into how he responds differently than I do to stress and he needs to be "himself."

Hi swan716,

Oh no! I am sorry to hear you’ve been having chest pains. I am noticing these a lot lately myself!

I’ve also had to do with monitoring of all my calls, emails, etc. It is such a horrible feeling, like someone has crawled into your brain and won’t allow you a free thought. I seem to have found some space for myself, but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you have safe ways to make unmonitored contacts?

What did you find out from the lawyer about taking the kids out?

take care, pearl.

[swan716]

Thank you pearl and panda! Your concern, validation and advice is most helpful! 

It is sad so many others go through this, yet I know we live in a broken world with much history of broken relationships. Hurt people hurt people (as Rick Warren says). Breaking the cycle is hard and requires great strength, which I pray for daily.

I really don't have a fail safe way of not being monitored if I need to contact someone, however I don't think my H can monitor my texts. I also was given a spare cell phone to use from my sister but when I came to the realization that it might be THAT BAD, I had an anxiety attack over using it.

Still waiting to hear what the lawyer says but will keep all of you posted if that mayhelp you in a sinsular situation. Thanks again!

[Radcliff]

Not feeling safe, and not having any privacy take a terrible toll.  Many of us in that situation have suffered symptoms of anxiety like chest pains.  This is not a tenable situation.  You must get relief.

When you say that your e-mails have been read and social media accounts hacked, were you sharing passwords to those accounts, or did he use more aggressive means, like keyloggers to uncover the passwords?  If you chose to, could you change the password on your e-mail, be careful about logging off, etc. and establish private e-mail communication?

Let us know what you hear from the lawyer.  Temporarily removing the parent from a threatening parent is a standard recommendation, so you should be good, but it's good that you are checking.
 At some point, if the behavior continues and is threatening enough, you may have a "duty to care" where you would be expected to protect your children from the behavior.  There are several other no-cost ways to get support and learn about your options:

* Police -- As my situation deteriorated, I went to the local police station and asked to talk to someone for advice about how I could best deal with my wife's abusive behavior.  I gave them a general description of my wife's behaviors, without reporting a specific incident, and said I was just there for advice.  I was impressed.  They were professional, offered good information about what they would do if I ever called them, and gave me the business card of a local domestic violence advocate who ended up being a fantastic resource.

* Local DV Agency -- They will know the local laws in your area, and can guide you on a safe and appropriate response if you want to temporarily remove the children.  If you are anything like me, you may be reluctant to identify with the "domestic violence label" especially if you want to improve the relationship and there have been no physical attacks.  But domestic violence takes many forms (including violent rages and e-mail monitoring) so your situation more than merits their assistance, and they will be happy to help you.

* www.thehotline.org -- The National Domestic Violence Hotline.  They are available by phone or computer chat, and could help you figure out a plan for when to leave temporarily and how to do it the best.

The most important coping tool for you to learn here is boundaries.  It takes a lot of practice to learn and implement boundaries in such a tough situation.  We can help.  To learn more about boundaries, visit this page on setting boundaries.  Another resource is the book, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.  It's heavy on Bible references, but is a good read.

It is good that you are checking out legalities and such, but the first thing to try is to remove the kids from the house with a non-dramatic excuse, like going out for ice cream or going to the library.  Take a look at that boundaries link above and tell us what you think.  Contrary to popular belief, boundaries are not about controlling the other person.  They are about what we do to protect ourselves.  Sometimes we communicate the boundary to the other person, sometimes we just act it out.  You may simply and quietly go out for ice cream with the kids any time he rages, without telling him it's a boundary.  The purpose of the boundary is to protect you, so removing yourself from the rage does that.  As a secondary benefit, he may learn that if he rages everyone leaves, and then manage to control himself, but that is not your main objective.

Read up on that boundaries page I linked above, and then tell us about the particulars of his rages and what actions you might take to shield you and the kids from them.  There may be several situations for you to describe to us, for example, you'd deal with a rage in the bedroom at 1am differently than a rage at dinnertime.

WW

[swan716]

Thank you WW for all the great advice!  I am reading the boundaries link you provided. I already have the "Beyond Boundaries" book but will look into getting "Boundaries". I have also read "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" by Lesley vernick (also Biblical based).

Still trying to find a safe opportunity to talk to a lawyer. The thought of going behind my H's back to do this gives me anxiety though. My husband says I am "thin skinned" and can't take constructive criticism. He knows his angry rages bother me but he feels they are toned down now. I agree they aren't as bad as they were however my tolerance and level of anxiety is more heightened now too and I have shared this with him.

I have changed my email password but somehow my email "pops up" on the screen of our family laptop. Regarding my social media, it started out him asking me to type in my password and then he would look through everything and make some changes. Then,  he said he wanted a joint account instead because he didn't trust me, and I rarely used the account. Then he turned our joint account into just my account but he was still the account holder and would get angry with me when he saw different things on it. So I got rid of it. It wasn't worth the hassle.

I have called DV twice just anonymously asking advice and he monitored and confronted me both times. He doesn't believe he's emotionally abusive and feels I have betrayed him therefore cannot trust me.

Lastly, his rages always happen after everyone is in bed so I cannot just take take the kids to go do something at this hour. The rages are always because I don't initiate sex (even though we are intimate about 2-3x a week already). He sometimes will covertly have a rage but not specify what he is raging about but his behavior points to why. This is what I hate the most because I want to talk out the problem but I can't if he is not communicating.

Thanks for listening!

[Radcliff]

Can you borrow your family laptop when he is away and take it to a friend or computer store to get some help making that popup go away?  A DV shelter may have some tips.  It may be wise to start up a separate Google or other e-mail for your private communications having to do with independence and safety.

I'm sorry to hear about the late night rages.  I unfortunately experienced those quite a bit.  Can you give a bit more detail?  Are you kept up late at night?  How late?  How do you respond?  How does the rage typically end?

WW