Blindsided and discarded: major dysregulation out of nowhere, feel scared/lost

[lostandconfused6]

i don't even know where to begin, the last 2 days were some of the most confusing and heartbreaking i have experienced since being with my  PWBPD... .things have been good the last few weeks he was making a lot of effort and we were making progress then friday afternoon came and BAM out of nowhere major dysregulation (i think)

i apologize in advance for the long post i am just scared and lost

we had made plans with another couple to go on an over night trip and all of a sudden last minute he had something he couldn't get out of that he said he knew about and he would be at the place we were going to really early and would be with me all day and night. I said oh ok why didn't you mention it when we made the plans yesterday he was really nice at first then all of a sudden he starts saying that i planned this whole trip around being ruined if he didn't go and so he would look like the bad guy. I said our friend planned the trip you know that and he said whatever i;m sure you manipulated them too then tells me don't text him again or we are done. Fast forward a few hours later he calls me, he starts being a complete jerk telling me i'm a bad person and im psycho and i need help and he wants to talk to my therapist for him and about me because he knows i have mental problems. We get off the phone on a civil note, texted a few times and things were ok then he asked if our friends had arrived i said "we are at another hotel right now but going back to the room soon to go to sleep" then he says "see you can have fun without me and you need to remember that" i said "that sounds like you are going to leave me" he said "take it how you want that's not my idea of fun and i'm glad i'm not there" he continued saying things like we have nothing in common it's been glaring since we met and i led myself on and he tried to end this in the past but i wasn't having it and i'm not going to make him look like the bad guy in this i asked why he was putting in so much extra effort lately if this was a long time coming, he refused to answer... .i told him i'm sorry and i hope he can get some rest and i'll see him in the morning... .

the next day he texts me at 8am said he will be ready in a hour i said ok he told me i'm lucky he's coming at all then started in on me again telling me we have nothing in common and he met with a therapist (but won't tell me who or when) and he told him to get rid of me asap before he kills me and that my ex should have murdered me when he had the chance and i am tearing my BPDbf apart and i need to be scared if i actually do tear him apart. his therapist also thinks i have disorders from the dark triad... .and just like his mom im good for him but i'm not good for him and  he needs to pick between me and his family and i caused his borderline because i am a narcissist and i ruined his life and do no good for him... .i said "you told me multiple times i am the only one that does good for you and genuinely cares" he said "my therapist told me you would say that, narcissist" then he decided to call me and call me a manipulative b*tch, selfish, a liar, and told me his therapist said i fake my illnesses to get attention. I said "i faked a stroke and MS you were there for both of them" he said "i know those are real but you gave yourself a stroke by injecting yourself with hcg to try to get pregnant and it caused a blood clot" (hcg doesn't help you get pregnant) he was a nurse at 1 point and the stuff he makes up  about illnesses is scary (i have also caught him multiple times flat out lying about illness and injuries that he never had)... . he screams at me for another 10min attacks my friends (not the ones i was with) then tells me he's still coming up there and he;s going to just watch me so he can confirm i am exactly what he says i am and he will be bringing a knife with him just incase i try anything because i am psycho. well 6 hours later he gets there my phone over heated in the sun and i couldn;t reply to his texts so within in 5 min he gets there i didn't respond so he leaves, after driving 2 hours, the last thing he said to me was i will never see you again this is my last text to you we are done

he wont answer my calls or texts

a few questions

would a therapist say those things? (this supposed therpaist that he some how talked to between 1 am and 8am knows he has borderline)

what are the chances of him coming back to me?

is there anything i can do to make this better?

it's almost like he was projecting everything on me that he does... .

i don;t understand where this came from and that's what's so scary about it to me i need help and guidance

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[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused,

I can’t say for sure, but this sounds like a lot of bluffing and projecting to me. Seems unlikely he reached a therapist between those hours. And even if he got some of his words from a therapist at some point sounds like he is twisting and distorting things to try to win an argument.

My SO will say all kinds of things when he is dysregulating - basically whatever it takes to make me feel his pain, make me worry, feel insecure, whatever. He can go pretty far.

He sounds like he felt defensive and attacked and so he started attacking back. When he gets like this, be very careful not to add any fuel to the fire. Do not start arguing.

The turn that he makes towards “killing you”, and his mention of a knife, is quite worrisome. Do you feel safe?

I would take a big step back and let him have space to calm himself. Do not argue with him about what he did in this fight if he returns I’d suggest. I’d use the downtime now to study the communication tools and wait.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you for the reply Pearl

i keep re reading our texts and replaying the conversation and i honestly can't figure out where this came from.

I do feel safe he has never threatened me like that in person... .when i was speaking to him on the phone it's like it wasn't him. When we have gotten in fights in person I have felt like i was looking into nothing when i looked in his eyes and he would say the most hurtful things to me

he won't speak to me at all. I texted him today and said i love you and i'm here for you and i always will be. i also told him we can forget the last 2 days no explination no apology

I genuinely don't want to lose him and the things he said came out of left field we were doing so well

[pearlsw]

Thank you for the reply Pearl

i keep re reading our texts and replaying the conversation and i honestly can't figure out where this came from.

I do feel safe he has never threatened me like that in person... .when i was speaking to him on the phone it's like it wasn't him. When we have gotten in fights in person I have felt like i was looking into nothing when i looked in his eyes and he would say the most hurtful things to me

he won't speak to me at all. I texted him today and said i love you and i'm here for you and i always will be. i also told him we can forget the last 2 days no explination no apology

I genuinely don't want to lose him and the things he said came out of left field we were doing so well

Hi lostandconfused,

Oh sure! Happy to be here to support! Hope others join us too!

I have seen that dark, hollow look too! Pretty unnerving stuff!

Maybe he feels like he is inadequate as a partner for you? Or being around the other couple felt like pressure? Do you know what he felt he had to stay behind for, what caused him to have to be late to the trip?

My SO will make decisions that make sense in his brain at the time, he's impulsive, shortsighted, and forgetful and not good at juggling multiple things at once. If I point out a problem in his planning he may or may not be receptive. My tone and word choice is important, and can make all the difference. I have to be careful not to make him feel stupid, and I should, that is no way to speak to someone.

Is it possible when he stayed back for some reason he felt overwhelmed that you questioned him on it? Like he had no good explanation and didn't know how to defend, but felt defensive?

warmly, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

he stayed behind to babysit his nephew (which i question is true or not but i didn't tell him that) the couple we are going with are the only people he interacts with... .i even told him if he didn't want to go we didnt have too... .it's almost like he set me up for this

i can't find anything at all that started this... .our friend called him and texted him last night and his phone was off and he never responded to his text... .i worry about him

Do you think his family could have gotten in his head? They aren't fans of me. or is it possible that this really came out of nowhere?

i am in therapy with a new doctor to figure myself out because maybe my way of thinking isn't "always normal" and to learn how to deal with him and figure myself out and i have made progress but he ghosted me before i even had the chance to show him anything

it was so out of the blue i think that's why it hurts so much

and anything i say to him his respinse was "narcissist selfish liar manipulative" he has no one at all that could even possibly defend me to him... .and that may not even help... .i'm used to the break up threats which actually have been few and far between lately but this is new and so random... .he said he tried to do this a year ago and i wouldnt let him... .which is complete crap i can't stop him from doing anything

i'm just so confused

[pearlsw]

he stayed behind to babysit his nephew (which i question is true or not but i didn't tell him that) the couple we are going with are the only people he interacts with... .i even told him if he didn't want to go we didnt have too... .it's almost like he set me up for this

i can't find anything at all that started this... .our friend called him and texted him last night and his phone was off and he never responded to his text... .i worry about him

Do you think his family could have gotten in his head? They aren't fans of me. or is it possible that this really came out of nowhere?

i am in therapy with a new doctor to figure myself out because maybe my way of thinking isn't "always normal" and to learn how to deal with him and figure myself out and i have made progress but he ghosted me before i even had the chance to show him anything

it was so out of the blue i think that's why it hurts so much

and anything i say to him his respinse was "narcissist selfish liar manipulative" he has no one at all that could even possibly defend me to him... .and that may not even help... .i'm used to the break up threats which actually have been few and far between lately but this is new and so random... .he said he tried to do this a year ago and i wouldnt let him... .which is complete crap i can't stop him from doing anything

i'm just so confused

Hi lostandconfused,

Oh, it is hard to say. My SO might see or read something and then he gets an idea in his head, and boom, he dysregulates. We have to be okay in the "not knowing" of life sometimes. It is our logical brains that want to find "reasons" because with those we think we can find solutions. But I think there is a lot of unknown in life... .and it is a good practice to be accepting rather than grasping and in pain over it. Perhaps try letting it be okay, especially if you really have no way to know and it sounds like for now you don't. 

What makes you question his reason for staying behind? Does he tend to lie? Is there another reason you suspect? Alone expressing a lack of trust in his words could have set him off I imagine. You have a right to question or not believe, but he may also have felt hurt by this.

Why do you think his family may have played a hand in this? It is always possible that he hears things from others that influence him. I get nervous when my SO spends time with his family because he is so easily influenced. It's like catching a cold! If his brother is having problems with his wife, will he catch that cold and be upset with me? Or will he actually see a difference between his situation and his brothers? I can never know what happens, what influences him, so I try not to spend a lot of time worrying about it. I notice it, sure, but don't let myself worry.

Sudden shocks or changes in our partners are hard - that is for sure! Take your time, you will find your way through the confusion. We're here!

And I think this is the part where we come back to you - the one part of the equation you can have control over, your own thoughts and emotions. That is powerful though! You get to decide how this will affect you.

What is it about your thinking that seems off to you?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

i question his reason for staying behind because of all the lies he tells about big and small things... .along with the fact that i still have me suspicons that "the other girl" might be hanging around still. but i didnt let on to him at all that i suspected he was lying

the only thing i can see may have triggered this is he texted me asked if our friends made it i said yes we are down the street about to go back to the hotel and go to sleep then out of nowhere he split completely... .maybe he thought "see she is fine without me i'm going to leave her before she can leave me and i'm going to ruin her night and day"

his family can't stand me and jumps at the chance to bad mouth me and convince him i'm psycho and crazy

he always says things like "it's my BPD" or "i know this is because of BPD" until it comes down to things with me no matter what it's my fault i'm crazy and i have the problems


he actually said i caused his BPD

just the way he was speaking seems off and the outlandish completely made up things he was coming up and going to someone that is my friend and telling him he's done with me but wouldn't give him a reason he just kept saying it's not working we cant be together... .my friend flat out said "dude ya'll have been great lately and ive been with her since this started friday and i don't see where it came from" my BPDbf said "she's manipulative and crazy and ruined my life i can't do this anymore with her"

my friend finally got a front row seat to what i deal with... .unfortunately this time it was worse than ever... .i just wish he would talk to me