It’s been a while, still a tiny bit triggering.

[The Cat in d Hat]

Hello everyone it’s been quite some time since I’ve been here. I went ahead and did only what I could and should do, get back to my life, study, focus on my career and and health, and not so much forget but rather move on from that short encounter.

I had set out little reminders, every 30 days to monitor progress, I just got the one where soon it’ll be 150 days. I’ve thought of her here and there, and managed to never check her social media (she kept it public don’t know if that’s true anymore)

Todays reminder really just got me thinking so much about her. On top of that recently I’m studying psych, a topic I left for last, but personalities disorders are part of the physician licensing exam so it’s inevitable. I’m not sure what I’m missing about her, but it’s likely the connection, and as much as I tell myself it was mostly me reflected back at me, it’s hard to just accept that and keep on walking.

Although after plenty digging my issue isn’t codependency, I’ve found it’s rather my caregiver mentality, which is great for my future profession, not so great when personally getting involved with a PD.

I felt so far out of this, and now I miss her. All those what ifs are back and haunting me. I really don’t want to fall down being so close to the finish line.

Thoughts? Notes? Suggestions? Anything and everything is appreciated. Thanks.

[Cromwell]

You might find as I did, since this amount of time has passed and you have had time to rethink and evaluate the r/s, what you are missing is in the past - feelings you had during that time, with a big gap in between.

when I met my ex again, I saw her in a different light. The conversation was very much the old style, but it didnt trigger the feelings it once did. In short, I realised that what I was "missing" or "pining" for, was not anymore existing in the same form it had been. The same mirroring was going on, yet I saw it for what it was, not what id previously seen as adoration.

In our texts, she kept bringing up nostalgic moments we had shared - ie, past tense, what more could she do, there isnt anything new to talk about, I thankfully and purposefully kept it that way. And yes, I initially started to get swept away in recalling those happy times, yet im in a stronger position to get a reality check that those were encapuslated, crystallised moments in the past. I cant change the person I was back then, how I felt back then, but I can apply the rational and experience ive gained since to appreciate there was more goinjg on, I just didnt recognise it - I do now.

I view any form of "missing" my ex as akin to missing the first ever chase of taking crack. The notion of being able to go back and achieve the same effect, yet I know the reality is that im just going back to drink from a well that i learned had been poisioned, thinking/hoping - and nothing more than that - that it "might" be different this time around.

what helped me on this board is the opportunity to bad mouth, let out steam, everything I couldnt do, but should have had an outlet at the time for my ex. To appreciate and recognise the entireness of what im "missing" and not just what I wanted to see. The end result is, id be uncomfortable to sit with her for coffee, let alone get involved in the high octane lifestyle that I got a kick out of.

Never forget that you have been apart 150 days for more than just a "break", chances are you took that choice and came to that choice for an important reason. Have you started to feel better and healed from it? I got tempted to recycle with my ex when I got stronger and the temptation and the hurt had subsided to a point of thinking maybe this time around I will handle her better and benefit from only the good side of the r/s. Im glad I havent, and sticking to the decision has made it easier to properly detach. I try to associate the "missing" her as re-exposing myself to the same antigen, and letting my body fight it away. In short, dont check the Social Media, make that call. Suggestion: let the thought pass and "sleep on it", see if you feel the same the next day.

Its helped me a lot to resist that impulsivity, I stopped responding to her texts but I did reply maybe a day or two later. The response I made could have made all the difference between me having now being back with her, yet instead, feeling confident I made the right choice initially, and wont repeat the mistake I made in the first place.

[Lucky Jim]

All those what ifs are back and haunting me.

Hey Cat, Its doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, because most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.  Just the way it is.  Yet that doesn't stop a lot of us, including me, from attempting to recycle, often many times, only to end up in the same place further down the road, except with more pain.

From what you are saying, it sounds like you are making progress, so keep it up.  Suggest you acknowledge it when thoughts of her arise, in a mindful way, then let them go.  E.g., "OK, now I'm obsessing about her."  Try to look at your thoughts from the outside, if that makes sense, and then let them go, without the need to do anything.

LuckyJim

[The Cat in d Hat]

Thanks Cromwell and Lucky Jim

She didn’t leave me a window to recycle. Seemed like a permanent black split with threat of R/o if I contact her. My what ifs usually revolve around the final conversation, the projection, anger, misunderstanding... .it just went all up in a ball of fire. (It was 4 minutes... .over text )

The few times I thought of her, it was all just to have one more conversation. I know writing out what you’d say helps, it’s just easier said than done and all just felt so unresolved, yet final at the same time. It’s crazy making.

I understand even given the chance to talk it would likely lead to the same ball of fire. I guess my ego just isn’t letting this one go , that she was allowed magically appear in my life and then suddenly disappear as if she never existed.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cat, You might want to take a look at the Serenity Prayer.  Sounds like it wasn't meant to be, which is OK.  One four-minute conversation doesn't usually make or break a r/s, so it seems like something was off to me.  Suggest you work on letting go.

LuckyJim

[The Cat in d Hat]

It was a series of devalue conversations and then she suddenly went NC when she felt “ignored”. When I messaged her to find out why, that was that final 4 min convo.

Regardless you’re right, i should let go of these residual thoughts. I’ll look into that serenity prayer as well, thanks.

[once removed]

I guess my ego just isn’t letting this one go , that she was allowed magically appear in my life and then suddenly disappear as if she never existed.

this was a big blow. the psyche tends to want to make sense of what happened.

those what ifs are a part of it, and personally, i found them much easier to explore later on, when i was more detached from the immediate pain. while my breakup felt sudden and unexpected, looking back, it wasnt. there was a slow boil on both sides, things i couldnt see at the time, or for a while after. i had people try to tell me, and it hurt too much at the time to see. with more distance behind me, it really helped me to resolve things and give me peace of mind.

id encourage you to open a thread about it on the Learning board. retell your story about how things ended, and get some feedback. it likely will make sense. it likely will also sting a bit. the flipside is that it will likely help you detach.

[The Cat in d Hat]

Thanks once removed

The distance definitely helps, and surely it will all fade. I’ll try to retell my tale but at this point it feels futile to me (not triggering).

My bruised ego has learned a thing or two as well... .it feels I HAVE to be that person, when in reality that is not the case. It felt like a loss, as in a game, and that was the wrong way to go about looking at it. Letting go is far more liberalating than dwelling.