My ex has BPD and called it quits

[San0001]

I have been with who I thought was the love of my live for 17 years.

Recently he cheated on my for the third time. I discovered their relationship via FB. I questioned him about it and he immediately became defensive. I contacted the other women to find out they had been in a relationship for three years. I confronted him and he of course denied that the relationship had been going on that long... .he claimed to be telling me the truth. It was at this time he told me he was recently diagnosed with BPD. Of course this explained it all! My feeling of walking on eggshells, the mood swings, the feeling I was never doing anything right.

First he told me the relationship was over with this other female. Then he explained that he had determined thought his counseling session, I was the "bad" person and she was the "good" person. Splitting? He then told me he loved her, but  needed time from me. I came to find out, he continued to see her and just did not want me any longer. He would just never tell me this. I repeatedly asked him if he wanted to be with her and me... .he would always say he needs to be happy and he needs time to determine what that is... .

I am at a loss and don't understand how he can just walk away from 17 years. Is this the BPD?

[once removed]

hi San0001, and

wow, after seventeen years, and then to learn of all of this, it must feel really violating.

i am glad you took have taken the step of reaching out here with your first post. how are you holding up? do you have friends and family you can lean on for support as well?

what do you want to do next?

[San0001]

At first I wanted to try to make it work... .but now... .I am just not sure what part of his actions are the BPD and what part are really him? Yes, I do have family/friends support.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey San0001, Seventeen years is a long time and it must have been quite a shock to learn that he has recently been diagnosed with BPD.  How did you feel upon learning the news that he has BPD?  Had you suspected that something was wrong?  Have you had a chance to read more about BPD?  Does that diagnosis make sense to you?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[San0001]

At first I was relieved. I finally knew what the problem was... .it all made sense. His mood swings, his love/hate emotions for me... .even his cheating.  Yes the diagnosis makes so much sense to me. But I am stuck in the "why cant this work". After reading everything on BPD I know I am in denial. I know he is going to do this to the girl he cheated on me with. We have been in contact as recently as today... .I see the BPD even more... .the hard part for me is I need to realize he is not going to change anytime soon. I need to cut my losses and move on... .but I really struggle in doing so. To me, he leads me on. He gives me false hope and continues to tell lies! I am just so hurt and frustrated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey San0001, What are your gut feelings about the r/s?  what would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you?  LJ

[Zemmma]

This can happen suddenly with or without BPD. My neurotypical ex-husband (no PD) left me after 17 years of marriage, 23 years cohabitation and 27 years together. When he did so, he turned on me. Said some horrible things, rewrote our past. It's typical behaviour for someone leaving a long term marriage at mid-life, especially if they have been poor communicators, and haven't told you they were unhappy in the past. You can see these patterns of behaviour if you online search "mid-life crisis." If you were left suddenly without explanation you might search out, "wife abandonment syndrome." Vikky Stark psychotherapist wrote a book and did a limited study on men who leave with very little notice, leaving their wives in complete shock and confusion. Again, these people tend to follow a script when they leave you. Their behaviours are very similar. Humans are pretty predictable! We either do a), b) or c)... !

They will tell you that they never loved you. They will tell you that no one loves you (not even family). They will say anything, and they will believe it. The longer and tighter the bond, the more force they have to use to break it. They act in sheer desperation. It really is a crisis, and they feel a sense of panic and need to get away. It has been called another life stage, similar to teenage years. And yes, often they line up another person to help extract them emotionally and physically from the relationship. A soft landing. It usually starts as an affair as they try to decide if they should leave, and then they compare you to the new one. It doesn't matter if she is wonderful. She is different from you and that's all that matters on the way out. Most of those relationships destruct after a couple of years.

So you are probably on the one hand, looking at a typical horrible mid-life crisis. But to complicate things, he is demonstrating BPD traits. We all ask ourselves how someone can be so incredibly intimate and connected to us and then just walk away. But people do it every day. We can't understand it, because that is not how WE were feeling, or perhaps it's not something WE would do. It is difficult to separate your experience from his experience. You thought he was experiencing the same things you were and in the same way. He was not. The more you understand pwBPD traits, the more you will come realize that some people don't think like others in so many ways. It stands to reason then, that they will be able to rationalize something they are doing by making you bad, painting you black, or remembering your shared past with a different/ darker lens.

It is horrible to live through. I can say of my ex-husband that after 6 years I am no longer hurt by him. Seeing him, knowing that he is with someone else... none of that bothers me anymore. I am not sure when this changed for me but I know in time those feelings do go away. I also know that the questions you are asking are a part of the grieving process. "How could he do that to me? Didn't he love me? When did he stop loving me? Is this BPD? Mid-life crisis? The colour of the sky?" Even questions about the OW will eventually not matter to you. Your mind will puzzle over it and over it and over it. Maybe for two years... Eventually the brain just knows it. The fact of it and the details stop being such a shock. You absorb the information into your being and the questions die down. You will eventually accept that you will never know the whole truth and you will accept that, or basically lose interest. The energy will just leave you, the urge to know will become fatigued. It will fade into apathy. I wish there was a magic pill, but you literally just have to wait for your brain to stop struggling with the questions. It will eventually tire of these questions and move on to something else.

Very hard times. The best we can do is enjoy what we can of life as we carry our grief so our time is not wasted.

[once removed]

To me, he leads me on. He gives me false hope and continues to tell lies! I am just so hurt and frustrated.

can you tell us a bit more about the nature of the contact and how its playing out?

[CryWolf]

We all ask ourselves how someone can be so incredibly intimate and connected to us and then just walk away. But people do it every day. We can't understand it, because that is not how WE were feeling, or perhaps it's not something WE would do. It is difficult to separate your experience from his experience. You thought he was experiencing the same things you were and in the same way. He was not. The more you understand pwBPD traits, the more you will come realize that some people don't think like others in so many ways. It stands to reason then, that they will be able to rationalize something they are doing by making you bad, painting you black, or remembering your shared past with a different/ darker lens.

Zemmma mentioned some very good observations here. We wonder if we were ever good enough, if anything we had was special? If they ever loved us? We are seeking validation that we wont get. Even if we do, it will most likely be stripped back away. The infamous, push pull method.

If you want to remain in a r/s with your ex, will you be okay with his dynamics? Him cheating, and you always wondering if you're an option? If your bestfriend was in your situation, what advice would you tell them San?

Keep us posted, and continue to feel your emotions. In time things do get better. 

[San0001]

can you tell us a bit more about the nature of the contact and how its playing out?

The last few days we have been texting each other. It has not went well. I have been very emotional which sets his anxiety off... .he cant seem to understand why I am so upset? Really? I am seeing more and more how he views things, so differently than me. Everything is my fault, why he cheated, the reason he is hurting, his anxiety. EVERYTHING. Today he told me I need to relax, he cant be around me as I trigger his anxiety, we need to take things slowly. But he is spending time with the girl he cheated on me with. I finally got the guts to tell him I need to love me and need respect, and I just give up... .needless to say he did not respond. I do feel good that I said this. Maybe this is the start of my healing... .I hope so!

[San0001]

Zemmma mentioned some very good observations here. We wonder if we were ever good enough, if anything we had was special? If they ever loved us? We are seeking validation that we wont get. Even if we do, it will most likely be stripped back away. The infamous, push pull method.

If you want to remain in a r/s with your ex, will you be okay with his dynamics? Him cheating, and you always wondering if you're an option? If your bestfriend was in your situation, what advice would you tell them San?

Keep us posted, and continue to feel your emotions. In time things do get better. 

Thank you! At first I did want too remain in a relationship with him. But I honestly don't think I can do it anymore. I will never trust him again. I would tell my best friend in this situation to RUN! Which I should of done long ago. I am seeing he is not going to change. The girl he cheated on me with, who he is currently with is in for quite a ride!