The heartbreak of losing the kids is visceral at times

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,
I’m not really sure what to say or what I hope to get out of this but I keep coming back to the website so I figured I might as well put this out there... I asked my wife for a divorce about a month ago. We were only married for two years (together for 5). Our marriage was a constant roller coaster. One moment I would be the absolute best thing in the world to her and that would feel so great, but the next moment she would destroy me with her words and call me things like pathetic, tell me she’s embarrassed of me, tell me she didn’t love me and would top it off with a ton of curse words (___, ___, ect). I never knew where I stood or who I would come home too.

She was jealous of everyone in my life and threatened by everyone, even my sister. She went so far as to accuse me of having an “unnatural relationship” with my sister. I couldn’t be around her friends even without watching what I said or did. If I laughed to hard, or smiled to wife it was always met with things like “you don’t laugh that hard at my jokes or you don’t smile like that for me”. She was also had intense anxiety and depression.

Now on the other hand,  my wife also had great moments, she can be intoxicatingly charismatic and a ton of fun at times. It was all so confusing. I separated after the first 6 months when the verbal and at times physical abuse became unbearable. We tried multiple therapists but if she didn’t agree with the therapist she would say they are stupid and threatened to have them disbarred. She finally went to therapy after I left and went on Zoloft.

I came back home hopeful. It was better but still not good. She shut me out sexually, we slept together maybe 4 times in 2 years. The possessiveness, the jealousy was all still there but her rage had calmed down. She would not go see a psychiatrist (her primary gave her the Zoloft). I started seeing a therapist wondering what is wrong with me that I stayed with someone like this? It led me on a personal journey. I read Co-Dependent no more and realized I was completely co-dependent. I read Walking on Eggshells and was shocked as I turned every page... .I couldn’t believe how accurately it described my life.
 
I believe my wife has BPD (her mother was diagnosed with NPD). So, I asked for the divorce and moved out. It has not been easy at all, she has spread so many lies about me. The most devastating part is that I have two step kids that are now 10&12. We are extremely close. She has denied me any access to them (and I have no legal right to them because they have a Dad). I also work in law enforcement, she called my job to try and create problems so I have to be careful and protect my career. I love those kids and she has used them against me in the past. She has told them I abandoned them and I can’t contact them to say otherwise. I would never have abandoned them.

So it’s been a hard time. Leaving was the right decision for me. I was becoming a shell of myself. I am working on healing and growing but it still feels like a confusing whirlwind and the heart break of losing the kids is visceral at times. My family is supportive, my friends are great but I feel like they don’t understand what I went through/am going through. I guess all this led me here, posting a message to a world of strangers. For the record I don’t hate my wife, I love her and feel sorry for her in many ways. I have moments of anger but I try to remember how tortured she must feel. Thanks for listening.

[Kbell14]

Hello,
I’m not really sure what to say or what I hope to get out of this but I keep coming back to the website so I figured I might as well put this out there... I asked my wife for a divorce about a month ago. We were only married for two years (together for 5). Our marriage was a constant roller coaster. One moment I would be the absolute best thing in the world to her and that would feel so great, but the next moment she would destroy me with her words and call me things like pathetic, tell me she’s embarrassed of me, tell me she didn’t love me and would top it off with a ton of curse words (___, ___, ect). I never knew where I stood or who I would come home too.

She was jealous of everyone in my life and threatened by everyone, even my sister. She went so far as to accuse me of having an “unnatural relationship” with my sister. I couldn’t be around her friends even without watching what I said or did. If I laughed to hard, or smiled to wife it was always met with things like “you don’t laugh that hard at my jokes or you don’t smile like that for me”. She was also had intense anxiety and depression.

Now on the other hand,  my wife also had great moments, she can be intoxicatingly charismatic and a ton of fun at times. It was all so confusing. I separated after the first 6 months when the verbal and at times physical abuse became unbearable. We tried multiple therapists but if she didn’t agree with the therapist she would say they are stupid and threatened to have them disbarred. She finally went to therapy after I left and went on Zoloft.

I came back home hopeful. It was better but still not good. She shut me out sexually, we slept together maybe 4 times in 2 years. The possessiveness, the jealousy was all still there but her rage had calmed down. She would not go see a psychiatrist (her primary gave her the Zoloft). I started seeing a therapist wondering what is wrong with me that I stayed with someone like this? It led me on a personal journey. I read Co-Dependent no more and realized I was completely co-dependent. I read Walking on Eggshells and was shocked as I turned every page... .I couldn’t believe how accurately it described my life.
 
I believe my wife has BPD (her mother was diagnosed with NPD). So, I asked for the divorce and moved out. It has not been easy at all, she has spread so many lies about me. The most devastating part is that I have two step kids that are now 10&12. We are extremely close. She has denied me any access to them (and I have no legal right to them because they have a Dad). I also work in law enforcement, she called my job to try and create problems so I have to be careful and protect my career. I love those kids and she has used them against me in the past. She has told them I abandoned them and I can’t contact them to say otherwise. I would never have abandoned them.

So it’s been a hard time. Leaving was the right decision for me. I was becoming a shell of myself. I am working on healing and growing but it still feels like a confusing whirlwind and the heart break of losing the kids is visceral at times. My family is supportive, my friends are great but I feel like they don’t understand what I went through/am going through. I guess all this led me here, posting a message to a world of strangers. For the record I don’t hate my wife, I love her and feel sorry for her in many ways. I have moments of anger but I try to remember how tortured she must feel. Thanks for listening.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Kbell14, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Are you currently separated from your W?  If so, how long have you been apart?  It's normal for the Non to get painted black in the aftermath of a separation, although I understand that doesn't make it any easier.  I'm so sorry to hear that she has sabotaged your r/s with your her kids (your step kids ).  It's common for friends and family to be baffled by what it's like to leave a BPD r/s, because BPD is so far out of the realm of their experience.  We get it, because we've been through it.  Do you have any particular questions?  If so, we can help.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Kbell14,



I’d like to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site.

She was jealous of everyone in my life and threatened by everyone, even my sister. She went so far as to accuse me of having an “unnatural relationship” with my sister

My exuBPDw said the same thing about my sister as I  . I agree with Lucky Jim a pwBPD will put you through an emotional onslaught during a divorce. I have two kids that we the same age as yours they have their own impression of family members you have that bond with them you don’t give me the impression that you’re going to embark in a toxic divorce.

I’d wait until the dust settles with your ex you probably remember periods where she’s negative and picking fights with you then she does a 180 and you’re treated like a god? This is going to be one of those black periods only longer wait until that passes if you want access to the kids. I’m sorry I had a step daughter and they become like your own kids I really feel for you. Hang in there.