At A Crossroads & Trying To Understand What Our Future Could Look Like

[random376]

I am at a crossroads where I finally believe I DO have the opportunity to work on my marriage with my wife but I am now wondering if I really want to. I feel horrible even saying this but it's a valid concern given the circumstances and I want to ensure I am not sacrificing my own health and happiness and that my own emotional needs are met in a relationship long-term. I am hoping for some support or perspective from those who are in long-term marriages with pwBPD.

Questions: Given the brief background I've outlined below, what are your thoughts on whether or not we can have a mutually supportive, safe, emotionally vulnerable, fully accountable, trusting relationship long-term without the threat of trauma or crises looming over IF MY WIFE DECIDES THE ROUTE OF RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, ENTERS TREATMENT AND IF I ALSO ADAPT HOW I COMMUNICATE AND TREAT HER to support the best outcome possible? She does not seem to exhibit many of the traits outlined here and we did have a very peaceful, sweet life together in between splitting episodes. I am wondering if that is an indicator of possible success or if that is likely more related to us being in a "honeymoon phase". Can anyone share their perspective?

Also, what would you say are the biggest early indicators of long-term success when someone is about to start treatment? As I am working towards reconciliation with my wife, what are some criteria by which I might evaluate whether or not this is truly headed in the direction it needs to be for us to have a loving, healthy marriage?

Prior crises/traumatic events happened before I knew what BPD was and that I had an ability to potentially de-escalate (or at least not contribute to) a crises. Although sometimes, I don't realize she's having an episode bc we are not physically in the same space so it does make me nervous that this is a wildcard that I could potentially walk into.

Background:
I'm new here to the forum and joined after reading a couple of Randi's books. My wife had been having really scary episodes for about a year and a half (I now realize she was splitting me black) and never seemed that curious what was overtaking her. After ~6-7 episodes, I put my foot down and told her if she didn't get on a path to figuring out what was going on, I was going to move to dissolve the marriage. Yeah, ultimatums don't work so well and so I found myself being accused of "attacking her in the middle of the night" as she stormed out the door with the dog while I was enjoying my morning coffee. She moved out and signed a one year lease on a new apartment that day and two weeks later, moved into it. And her entire support system, including her therapist, has been believing and reinforcing her distortion campaign. Interestingly (or maybe not so much) the distortion campaign that she's spreading about me is remarkably similar to what my experience is in dealing with her... .

Aside from the splitting, my wife and I had a truly beautiful existence together. She was supportive and loving and incredibly respectful of me and my space. I had room to grow as an individual--she'd forgive without holding grudges and always supported me working to attain my highest self. She is terribly scared of losing me and of facing herself and I want to modify my own behavior and thought process so I can not get in the way of her taking the initiative she needs to get different/better assistance to problem solve this so that we have the opportunity to work on our marriage. I have already learned so much about how I can change my communication that has made a tremendous difference in our ability to communicate (for several weeks straight she was splitting me black and we had very limited contact during that time).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi random376,

I was just thinking of posting something on such a topic myself today! Thanks very much for starting this discussion!

As I read it it sounds like you have all the potential in the world to make the best of things. There are no guarantees in life, but it sounds like you have it in you to give it a try.

Why would your wife need Radical Acceptance of you? Does she have an interest in that? Or do you mean you want her to admit to what she has?

These specifics seem like a tall order: "mutually supportive, safe, emotionally vulnerable, fully accountable, trusting relationship long-term without the threat of trauma or crises."

How would you rate on scale of 1-10 (with 10 being the top end) how much of any of this you have?

If you can't get all your needs by the marriage can you get them met via friendship, family, other healthy outlets for support?

with compassion, pearl.

[random376]

Thank you for the reply, Pearl!

The "radical acceptance" I am referring to is her acceptance of her own behavior and her own ability to get better. Thus far, she has been reliant on that smear campaign that absolves her of any wrongdoing and blames me for "abusing her" which led to her up and leaving a couple of months ago.

Aside from the splitting episodes which she never took accountability for (I did not realize they were splitting episodes at the time) I'd say I'd have rated those attributes as follows:

Mutually supportive: 10
Safe: 5 (bc after a few episodes, I was fearful of another one)
Emotionally vulnerable: 10
Fully accountable: 5 (fully accountable for everything except for the splitting episodes)
Trusting relationship: 9

Can I expect that we would be able to get back to that or in your experience do you think that since we have only been married 1.5 yrs that the high satisfaction on those other critical interpersonal skills across the board was more related to a honeymoon phase? It is hard for me to wrap my mind around whether or not this is just going to be a constant in our lives or is it manageable through treatment and we might be able to go back to enjoying a relatively peaceful relationship otherwise. I don't want to disillusion myself but I also don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Honestly, I do not have much family and had been more reliant on my wife to be almost everything to me when we were married. I have several really fantastic friends who I've been friends with for a very, very long time though.

[Radcliff]

random376, can you please remind us of the therapy plan for your wife?  Is she starting DBT?

Take a look at this link on "What does it take to be in a BPD relationship" and let us know what you think.

It's very difficult to discuss indicators for future success.  Even if such data existed, your relationship is unique.  Your wife signed a one-year lease.  Many DBT skills programs run for a year (DBT can continue for longer, but often the class part of it is one year).  Investing in several months to a year of working together seems reasonable. 

Hmm... .in reviewing your previous thread, I don't see any mention of DBT for your wife.  Is her therapy plan to stick with the therapist who is validating her distorted view of your actions?

WW