Freedom - She tried to reel me in last night, I resisted effortlessly

[lighthouse9]

Hi everyone,

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this or not, but I figured it might be a good conversation starter.

I have the divorce paperwork that she filed and haven't signed it yet for logistical reasons (was on vacation, want to draw out my time on her insurance, etc). I have every intention of signing them in another week or two before my time limit is up, but I've been really making some big steps in my detaching process lately. Last night, that was tested, and I think I passed!

I haven't been in touch with her since she sent the divorce paperwork over (via email), and my responses then were BIFF - no real emotion from my end, but nothing callous, just pure logistics. She offered to talk on the phone to discuss again but I didn't see much reason to do that. So, I've been kind of just doing my own thing the last two weeks, healing, growing, going to therapy to work through some of the PTSD stuff, etc.

Sure enough, she emailed me last night to "check in" and see if I had any questions. I replied "not at the moment, but thank you for asking." She then said she didn't want to rush me but wanted to know if I had an idea of when to expect the paperwork back (she still hasn't used the word divorce once in all of this). I replied briefly again that I didn't at the moment, but I would let her know as soon as I was ready to send things back. Then she replied quickly again to ask if we could talk on the phone. I said that I was busy but she can feel free to email me with any concerns. That shut things down quickly.

I don't expect this to be the last of it, and from reading "Splitting" I had some idea that she could try to reel me in again (even if just for a fight) before things were finalized. At the moment, the extra weeks of health insurance are worth it and I really didn't want to be bothered with things while on vacation.

So, with all of that being said - I wanted to draw attention to two things. 

First - BIFF: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0

Have you used BIFF at all in your detaching process?

Also, I was thinking about this last step- Freedom - a bit last night: https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/05.htm

I felt like I dropped a heavy burden last night, and it felt good. Or maybe more accurately, she tried to hand me a heavy burden again, and I said "no thank you."

Anyone else say no thank you lately, or feel yourself drop something?

[Mutt]

Hi lighthouse9,

I think that you did good with BIFF   I’ve used it Turkish is a lot better at it than I am. I think that what you’re asking, correct if I’m wrong is how effective is BIFF in the long run if you’re ex keeps trying to reel you in? Are you worried about faltering with her in the future?

[Turkish]

You rang? (Lurch voice).

Seriously,  you did a good job on BIFF, lh9. I still use it in texts,  and I used to tailor it to verbal interactions as well.  BIFF reduces targets. It's also tempting on our side to seek validation of our pain which usually results in a fight,  playing out the same dynamics while we were in the relationships. 

[Radcliff]

lighthouse9, it's good to hear your update.  Hang in there, and please keep us posted!

WW