Looking for support - raised by a borderline mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I've been reading posts for a while but thought it was time to create an account and introduce myself. I will have to keep it short on details because my mom (diagnosed with BPD) long ago decided that my dad and one of my siblings were the "real" borderlines, and she's been known to post lies about them on support forums and then bask in the validation and support she receives from the innocent people she's deceived. I have no idea if she's on this forum but the last thing I need is for her to figure out who I am and try to come after me.

I've had no contact with her for a long time, nor has my dad or my siblings. The main reason I'm here is that I still have a lot of unresolved anger; after I broke contact I decided to just start living as though she didn't exist. I didn't want to be defined by having a BPD mom, but all I ended up doing was stuffing all the anger and sadness into a mental closet. Lately some of it's starting to leak out, mainly in the form of being too quick to get angry with my wife when something she does vaguely reminds me of mom. My wife and kids and I have been in family therapy for a while now, and I only just recently told her about my mom's BPD and the abuse I suffered from her. Since denial and avoidance are clearly not working out for me, here I am. 

[protomartyr]

Hi, I've been reading posts for a while but thought it was time to create an account and introduce myself. I will have to keep it short on details because my mom (diagnosed with BPD) long ago decided that my dad and one of my siblings were the "real" borderlines, and she's been known to post lies about them on support forums and then bask in the validation and support she receives from the innocent people she's deceived. I have no idea if she's on this forum but the last thing I need is for her to figure out who I am and try to come after me.

I've had no contact with her for a long time, nor has my dad or my siblings. The main reason I'm here is that I still have a lot of unresolved anger; after I broke contact I decided to just start living as though she didn't exist. I didn't want to be defined by having a BPD mom, but all I ended up doing was stuffing all the anger and sadness into a mental closet. Lately some of it's starting to leak out, mainly in the form of being too quick to get angry with my wife when something she does vaguely reminds me of mom. My wife and kids and I have been in family therapy for a while now, and I only just recently told her about my mom's BPD and the abuse I suffered from her. Since denial and avoidance are clearly not working out for me, here I am. 

[Kwamina]

Hi protomartyr and welcome to bpdfamily

Thanks for introducing yourself to our online community

Having a BPD mother can definitely be quite challenging, many of our members can attest to that as you've probably already gathered from the posts you've read here.

Your mom was diagnosed with BPD, did she get any kind of targeted treatment after receiving this diagnosis?

Anger is something many of our members have struggled with. It's natural to feel anger and learning how to deal with our anger in a constructive manner is an important part of the healing process.

Lately some of it's starting to leak out... .

Did anything in particular perhaps happen recently leading to your anger leaking out?

... ., mainly in the form of being too quick to get angry with my wife when something she does vaguely reminds me of mom. My wife and kids and I have been in family therapy for a while now, and I only just recently told her about my mom's BPD and the abuse I suffered from her. Since denial and avoidance are clearly not working out for me, here I am.  

Being able to identify one's triggers is also very important. I am glad you are able to recognize that your mom's abuse of you is still affecting you now as an adult. Do you feel like your family therapy has been helpful so far?

You've only recently told your wife about your mom's BPD and how she abused you. How did your wife respond to this?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[hellebore1]

Having to deal with BPD when we're very young has traumatized many of us.  It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized other people weren't coming home and finding their siblings passed out from drugs or reading their suicide notes while still in primary school.  I'm lucky in that my DH is very supportive but it's hard to understand what this is like unless you've lived it. Keep us posted. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  Glad you decided to post.  We can definitely relate and hopefully support you as you work through your abusive past and try to find better ways of functioning now. 

Kwamina asked some great questions so I don't want to pile on though I am very interested in hearing more of your story (as you feel comfortable sharing of course). 

If you have been reading here for a while I assume you are familiar with the Survivors Guide over on the right hand side of the page and also the Lessons listed just above that and also at the top of the page.  If not, please take a look as they the information is not just helpful but can also help you focus on where to direct your attention in terms of healing.

What sort of things do you want to focus on? 

[protomartyr]

Hi protomartyr and welcome to bpdfamily

Thanks for introducing yourself to our online community

Having a BPD mother can definitely be quite challenging, many of our members can attest to that as you've probably already gathered from the posts you've read here.

Your mom was diagnosed with BPD, did she get any kind of targeted treatment after receiving this diagnosis?

Anger is something many of our members have struggled with. It's natural to feel anger and learning how to deal with our anger in a constructive manner is an important part of the healing process.

Did anything in particular perhaps happen recently leading to your anger leaking out?

Being able to identify one's triggers is also very important. I am glad you are able to recognize that your mom's abuse of you is still affecting you now as an adult. Do you feel like your family therapy has been helpful so far?

You've only recently told your wife about your mom's BPD and how she abused you. How did your wife respond to this?

Take care

The Board Parrot

She never did receive any treatment... .my dad managed to convince her they needed marriage counseling to improve their communication. It turned out the therapist they chose had tons of experience with borderlines and he had her pegged after about 5 sessions. He suspected at the first one but waited to diagnose formally, and once he did, she left and never went back. He got her to try another therapist a couple years later and this one fell for her lies and her charisma hook, line and sinker.

As far as the cause of my anger starting to leak out--my wife is dealing with a medical issue that causes her to get very tired during the day (anemia due to heavy periods). Coming home from work and finding her napping on the couch while the kids run amok and there hasn't been even a thought toward dinner being made is extremely triggering for me, because mom made dinner maybe a dozen times when I was growing up and she felt entitled to several naps a day on the couch, and she'd threaten to leave and never come back if we weren't absolutely silent while she was napping. My wife had a procedure for her issue but it hasn't helped, and she's dragging her feet on going back to the doctor, which is another trigger because my mom had an extreme paranoia of doctors and would never see one herself and rarely allowed my dad to take us kids to one.

Also, I didn't mean to sound like I'd never told my wife about mom's BPD. I told her plenty while I was still in contact with her, although I haven't talked about it much since stopping contact. Mostly because mom always rationalized her abuse by claiming to have been triggered by us reminding her of memories from her own childhood, and I convinced myself that I needed to act like I wasn't affected by all her abuse or else I'd be just as bad as she was. Basically, talking about triggers is itself a trigger for me.   Our family therapist is the one I hadn't told (because I was too busy stuffing everything and pretending my past couldn't affect me).

[Harri]

Hi again!  How are things going? 

I can very much relate to what you said about doctors.  My mother had a huge fear of doctors and actually passed it on to me.  For the longest time, I never went... .until I started having serious medical issues.  I am now cured of that phobia!    But it is tough.  I remember being so frustrated that my mother would complain of health issues but refuse to go to the doctor all the while sleeping all day and blaming me for making her sick... .even when she was diagnosed with advanced cancer (I was an adult).  It was all my fault because i caused her stress.  <sigh>  Prior to that, all of her health issues were in her head or easy fixes.  She instead tried to treat everything herself with vitamins and supplements and by blaming me. 

Now, being sick and legitimately needing to rest and take naps, I find I get annoyed with myself and triggered by my own need for sleep. 

What do you think you can do to encourage your wife to go to the doctor?  Sometimes exhaustion makes it difficult to think of your own solutions, even the obvious ones like making an appointment.  Maybe if you offer to go with her?