In love with Dr. Jekyll hate Mr. Hyde

[swan716]

My undiagnosed BPD H can be very loving, supportive, complimentary to me and in the very next minute be quite the opposite. It causes me such confusion as to who he really is and if he truly loves me or just the idea of me.

Over the last year, my H has let me know that our lack of sexual intimacy has destroyed him. However, up to that point I had never refused him. He meant that I never initiated it. So over the last year I have initiated a lot more often and then he said I was doing it out of pity or to get him to be quiet. There is some truth to this because he read my email to a counselor indicating I sometimes submit to him so he won't rage. Hence, my H's insecurity in this issue.

Last night, we had great conversation, I kept the focus on him, was giving him affection and truly wanted to be intimate. He appeared tired, decided to go to bed early even though we were supposed to call and say goodnight to our children on the phone (staying at grandmom's house). I ended up making the call myself, came to bed a half hour later and the lights and TV were off, he's turned away frim me and appeared asleep. I leaned over and kissed him and realized he was awake. I then began to hug him and asked "are you tired?" He said "I'm good, go ahead and get some sleep." I continued to hold and hug him and he pushed me off of him. So I said "goodnight I love you." He said "yup." He then got up and got dressed. I said "what's the matter?" He said " I'm tired of your dumb s#@$." "We finally have the house to ourselves and you want to play the "nun role'".

Am I crazy or didn't his body language and words indicate he wanted to go to sleep? And now today he says "I'll continue being the good little boy having conversation with you and making you feel good about yourself and I'll take care of my needs myself."

I have also found out recently that my H has a match.com account in which funds are taken out of his account monthly. When I confronted him, he said "that's when things were really bad between us and I thought we were divorcing." He also blamed me for looking at his bank statement. This could all be true but he has also said "any woman would be happy to have him".

This is how our life has been over the last year when he falsly accused me of cheating and said to our children we were to divorcing and to ask their mother why. Every time I try to move past the past he does something to make me realize he hasn't changed.

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[pearlsw]

Hi swan716,

Thanks for sharing about this tough topic!

So, you were close to divorce and he decided to get a jump on looking what else was out there? He set up a match.com account, but has not deleted it yet? Have you two talked about that? Do you want him to close it now?

In terms of sex I know how tough it can be. I was never with someone who felt such deep levels of rejection and made sure there was hell to pay if he ever felt rejected. And, like you've described, it does not take much to trigger this and then the sexual dynamic can be thrown way off!

I remember I countered similar complaints in the past by shifting the times of day for sex to when I was more awake and could generate more interest. He used to want it right at his bedtime every night just before he wanted to fall off to sleep - I felt pretty used and emotionally disconnected. He did this like clockwork. He had no sense of anything other than come to me, get his needs met, and ciao. It was hard to deal with. This kind of thing takes a big rethink and a lot of adjustment, but dynamics can be shifted and more needs of both partners met.

I think his body language sent a logical signal to you, but this isn't about logic. His emotional needs are high and it is hard to meet them, but you can address them. I think it is a matter of going on the offensive a bit. I think being consistent about initiating can make a difference. He may get upset like this at times, but eventually he may see your consistency and it could lower his feelings of rejection.

warmly, pearl.