I took the cowards way out. I went on a date behind her back

[Depression = 72% of members]

I took the cowards way out. I went on a date behind her back, then told her about it. I knew it would do the trick. I couldn't break from her horrid spell and her armed with this knowledge, would be just what she needed to absolve herself. All the many many times she had sex with her ex whilst I was with her, pailed into insignificance. The amount of times she called me a f******g cheat, whilst throwing things at me was incredible. So it became unbearable so I ended it.
Then regretted it and fell into a depression. I got help and started the road to recovery.

I look back now and just feel like it was all a dream. A very bad dream. I'm completely over her now.  I got over her quite quickly once I found out about her ex.
The sad thing is that she will live a very lonely existence, but that's the nature of the beast.

[confusedbloke]

I took the cowards way out. I went on a date behind her back, then told her about it. I knew it would do the trick. I couldn't break from her horrid spell and her armed with this knowledge, would be just what she needed to absolve herself. All the many many times she had sex with her ex whilst I was with her, pailed into insignificance. The amount of times she called me a f******g cheat, whilst throwing things at me was incredible. So it became unbearable so I ended it.
Then regretted it and fell into a depression. I got help and started the road to recovery.

I look back now and just feel like it was all a dream. A very bad dream. I'm completely over her now.  I got over her quite quickly once I found out about her ex.
The sad thing is that she will live a very lonely existence, but that's the nature of the beast.

[steelwork]

So, confusedbloke, you must concede that there's gotta be a better way to break up! I don't mean in your case but rather, going forward, in a relationship that hasn't already involved infidelity?

[steelwork]

Oh gee, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?

[confusedbloke]

Hi Steelwork,

What happened?  Well my issues with exBPDgf is what happened.  Im traumatised by what happened, and all them insecurities and paranoias that I had with her have, for some reason, reared their ugly head with this one.

She has been a great girl and loving and caring, but I have pushed her away and ended up being like I was with ex.

I regret it so much.  Ive since talked with her and Im going to meet her tonight for a drink and watch the England match.  Ive also booked in with a therapist for next Thursday.  There may be a chance that I can smooth things over with current.  She is understanding but everyone has their breaking point.

I need to face my fears and tackle them after the horrendous time I had with ex.  Even if we dont make it, I will take my fears out on my next gf.  I have lived through a bad experience and survived, I just need to address these issues now.  Not everyone has BPD, and not everyone is the same.  I just need to understand that...

CB

[steelwork]

Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that. I have not been reading a lot of posts lately--maybe a sign that I'm moving on, finally? Anyhow, if you posted about this somewhere else and I missed it, apologies. How did it go tonight? I hope better.

Even if we dont make it, I will take my fears out on my next gf. 

This sounds kinda fatalistic. Can you imagine a level of healing where you won't feel things are being steered by the trauma of your last relationship?

I'm gonna stick my neck out there and say that it sounds like you might be pushing yourself to be in another relationship before you're ready for it.

[confusedbloke]

Hi Steelwork - thanks for the concern

It didnt go great.  The moment she mentioned that her ex was coming to pick their little one up and take him home, I kinda withdrew.  I just mentioned on another thread, that it could be that she is suffering from post natal depression, and because of my experience with exBPDgf, it has relit all those feelings I had with ex.  She cannot let her ex go as she needs the support as she is struggling with their son.  But its not healthy to rely on your ex so much like that, and especially for me when Ive been with someone with BPD. It sends your mind into overdrive.

I cannot wait to see the therapist.  I need to put this to bed and move on.

And regarding your statement about another relationship... .do you know something, I really am.  What I had with ex wasnt a relationship.  I ready to give lots of love and have fun.  I have 3 great kids, a great ex wife, a good job, nice house, and a nice lifestyle.  On the whole I am very happy.  I love this woman, I just want to be "normal" in the way I think now.

How are you feeling at the moment?

CB

[steelwork]

It's heartbreaking when two people love each other but are not in the right place to be together. Do you think that might be what you're struggling against? Maybe patience is the key... .maybe you each need to deal with your emotional issues before the r/s can have a fighting chance.

How I'm feeling: ex is receding into the misty past. I think I have more clarity about things where he's concerned. I have a complicated relationship situation--a partner I used to live with and don't anymore, but we spend a lot of time together, but it's become pretty much a sexless situation. I would like to think that I could get emotional support, deep understanding, and grand passion in one relationship, but wishing won't make it so.

[confusedbloke]

Weve chatted a lot since.  We are going out tonight, just the 2 of us to see a singer, just to have some fun.

I have felt that she has not been in the right place, absolutley.  But I know its because shes not coping with her young one.  Having three kids myself I can completely empathise and understand.  I guess I forget what its like 2 have a 2 year old.  Its really not easy at all, especially with the daunting prospect of doing it on your own.  So I will support as much as I can, as long as the ex is off the scene.  I cant compete with that, and nor should I.  It really is a case of "its him or me".  Obviously I wouldnt say that, but its too much stress.  So yes, patience is the key.  As long as I understand that she does love me, i will take my time and not force things.

ANd I couldnt agree more.  My insecurities and anxieties are due to my exBPDgf.  She too is a distant memory now.  I couldnt even imagine wanting to talk to her, let alone be with her.  But she has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and a week today I will be going for my first therapy session.  I need to address these issues before I can fully let myself go and enjoy a normal loving relationship.

Your situation sounds like me and my ex wife.  We are close and have each others back.  But that was sexless, and we didnt love each other in "that" way and thats why we are divorced.  I think its possible to get what you want in one relationship.  You are describing the person I want to be, but for deep understanding, the partner needs to tell you how they feel, and if they dont, then that will never happen.

But as for exBPDgf, I am so glad she is out of my life.  I just need to take steps to come to terms with the emotianl turmoil she casued... .  And god knows how long that will take... .

CB

[BeagleGirl]

It really is a case of "its him or me".  Obviously I wouldnt say that, but its too much stress. 

You are describing the person I want to be, but for deep understanding, the partner needs to tell you how they feel, and if they dont, then that will never happen.

Confusedbloke,

I read the first statement I quoted and though "Why not?"  Why would you not be clear with her that you are not interested in a relationship with someone who has not fully detached from another relationship, and describe what that would look like to you?  What does that look like to you? 

Then I read that second portion of your post and thought - "See, he understands the importance of honesty and the fact that you can't have a real, intimate relationship without it." 

Just thought I'd point out that inconsistency so you can better see where you are.

[confusedbloke]

Hi Beagle... .

Ha, I see the paradox completely.  No, I have told her that I cannot go on the way it is and I wont.  I havent said the its me or him thing, but I have in a round about way.  I dont want to go down that road as its a precarious situation in the fact that she is really struggling with the young one.  She is suffering badly with the having a child thing.  She needs support I guess.

I have however said that its not healthy for her and certainly not for us whilst he is on the scene.  Shes a smart woman, I guess she never realised how much she relied on her ex.  I know I sound like im defending her.  But she is a very honest woman.  Shes a non.  And thats the thing.  Im used to a BPDgf, where you would say "its me or him" (and have it fallen on complete deaf ears of course, and expecially it will have been an idle threat... .as we all know!).  Im learning to verbalise myself with a bit more tact I guess now.  My ex ruined me and my faith in women, but not all women have BPD, but all people have their own personal crises.  If I can be there and understanding for this woman, she will either take the p*** like my ex would, or she will understand how I feel and do something not to hurt me.  I will leave that decision entrirely to her.  Either way, I cannot wait to start therapy next week.  About time I put my demons to bed.  Its been 10 months now since ex... .and I want her taste out of my mouth for good.

CB