It was like dealing with a jealous teenager

[Jeffree]

I've been thinking that one of the oddest things about my marriage to my ex pwBPD was the lack of age appropriateness in her approach with me in our marriage.

For instance, I'm talking about a woman in her late 40s and early 50s who would think nothing of accusing me of looking at a waitress longingly as she approached our table to take our order. Sorry, but I tend to look at people as they encroach into my space. It could have been just a random person walking by, a waitress, or whomever. If she happened to be attractive, chances were that my ex would say, "I see how you're looking at that waitress. I don't blame you for wanting her." I'd look at my ex incredulously, having no idea how in the world she drew that conclusion. It was like dealing with a jealous teenager... .OVER NOTHING!

This bizarre jealously would extend to Facebook friends and replies to my posts, any random people walking by who she deemed I would be attracted to, relatives at parties, people I've not even given any mind to, etc.

Then it would permeate her thoughts about her work and coworkers and how nobody was giving her her fair due because of her lack of formal education.

Honestly, being in my late 40s and early 50s during our marriage made these jealousies a very odd obstacle to have to overcome. Looking back, it was like being married to an emotionally much younger woman than her age would indicate. And being the age I am, I felt almost foolish for dealing with this cr@p "at my age."

Anyone else look back and marvel at the immaturity of their supposed adult pwBPD?

J

[Insom]

Hi, Jeffree!  Good to see you here.

I've been thinking that one of the oddest things about my marriage to my ex pwBPD was the lack of age appropriateness in her approach with me in our marriage.

As you know, one of the hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder is an unstable sense of self.  Would it be fair to say that in your marriage your wife's unstable self image presented as immature jealousy and insecurity?

Honestly, being in my late 40s and early 50s during our marriage made these jealousies a very odd obstacle to have to overcome. Looking back, it was like being married to an emotionally much younger woman than her age would indicate. And being the age I am, I felt almost foolish for dealing with this cr@p "at my age.

Indeed!  That is a hard obstacle to overcome.  It sounds like you're looking back, shaking your head, wondering, "what was I thinking?"  Can you still connect with what made that relationship appealing to you?  What has changed for you that has you shaking your head?

[once removed]

in most of my prior relationships, i was usually the insecure party. by insecure i dont mean jealous, i mean, more or less "i worry i like her more than she likes me". that sort of thing.

some of my friends did have jealous partners. theyd be pretty exasperated over it. id think to myself "that seems simple enough... .all you have to do is reassure them and hold their hand a little. everybody gets jealous."

fast forward, and yes, my partner was very jealous and i quickly found that responding to it is not so simple. it made me feel possessed and pushed me away. i found it unattractive (i say that, but i think i also found a level of security in it that id not had in those previous relationships). i think a little reassurance and hand holding wouldnt have bothered me at all. everybody does get jealous. but possessive behavior, baseless accusations, i dont really have the strength or patience let alone desire to handle that.

[gilac]

This bizarre jealously would extend to Facebook friends and replies to my posts, any random people walking by who she deemed I would be attracted to, relatives at parties, people I've not even given any mind to, etc.

I was also tortured with this, and it all ended up how borderliners do, leave you for someone else, but play with multiple other between that. Yet, she destroyed many beautiful nights only because of this irrational jealously.

I always thought that people who tend to be extremely jealous in relationships are actually the ones who are more prone to cheating. Whenever a friend had a partner with this kind of behaviour it ended up he being cheated on.

[MeandThee29]

I always thought that people who tend to be extremely jealous in relationships are actually the ones who are more prone to cheating. Whenever a friend had a partner with this kind of behaviour it ended up he being cheated on.

It's more of the unstable self and projection. You are right that accusations of cheating often mean that the person is cheating or thinking of it. Not always, but something to consider.

[gilac]

It's more of the unstable self and projection. You are right that accusations of cheating often mean that the person is cheating or thinking of it. Not always, but something to consider.

Yes, the fact that they have this behaviour is because they think of other people and other people often caught their eye. For them this is normal so they logically think that their partner also behaves like that and that his eyes are all over the place whenever he is alone. This is not only a characteristic for BPD but people in general who have that irrational jealousy during the relationship.

The thing with BPD's is they mask all of this by lovebombing and replacing partners just in one day or week comes as a shock.

[Jeffree]

Would it be fair to say that in your marriage your wife's unstable self image presented as immature jealousy and insecurity?

Yes, but it also presented as empty and needing to be filled with sex in the beginning, over spending, alcohol, pot, TV, parties, obsession with her looks, etc.

And at other times she was a cruel, angry, rageful, vengeful, overcritical, and just a downright misery.

She had started out as very nice, genuinely interested in me, and wanting to make a legitimate go of a good life together, but that slowly changed for the worst over the course of a couple of years.

Can you still connect with what made that relationship appealing to you?  What has changed for you that has you shaking your head?

Her looks, her attitude and behaviors toward me in the beginning, the physical intimacy, knowing her from my teenage years, and this one factor that I just can't explain... .she just always took my breath away and made me feel so drawn to her. Ultimately, I was just simply a moth drawn to her flame.

Nothing's really changed. I have shaken my head over her for about five years now. I finally have gotten around to verbalizing it here so that others can relate and I can relate to others about this.

For me this topic was partly an extension of the thread about a pwBPD's ability to love in that I believe our style of love seems to change as we age. 20something love is different than 30something, 40something, 50something love, etc.

And I was just thinking how my ex's self image stopped presenting itself in a way that worked with what I wanted from a spouse as I turned 50. I certainly didn't need constant drama and arguing as I entered the back 9 of my life. Watching her get drunk and belligerent at family parties and being the last ones to leave just didn't work for me the way it might have back in college. As she turned up the adolescence, I distanced myself emotionally, physically, psychically, etc.

J

[MeandThee29]

Yes, the fact that they have this behaviour is because they think of other people and other people often caught their eye. For them this is normal so they logically think that their partner also behaves like that and that his eyes are all over the place whenever he is alone. This is not only a characteristic for BPD but people in general who have that irrational jealousy during the relationship.

Someone once told me that many with BPD are always looking for validation, so that makes sense. Surface validation or validation in their minds counts for more.

Many nons view those fleeting connections has having little meaning if any. It may make us smile, but we let it go.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

It's more of the unstable self and projection. You are right that accusations of cheating often mean that the person is cheating or thinking of it. Not always, but something to consider.

I found this to be true with my ex uBPD\uNPDh. He accused me of cheating every so often for years during our marriage. I chalked it up to insecurity.

During our divorce, I found out he was the one looking to cheat. For example, long story short, I found he had a profile on a dating site while we were married. We were together for almost twenty years. When I asked him about it in front of the marriage counselor, he confessed that he had done it. It really was his profile. This is only one example. There were many more.

[Insom]

And I was just thinking how my ex's self image stopped presenting itself in a way that worked with what I wanted from a spouse as I turned 50.

It sounds like you were able to mature emotionally within the relationship and that she wasn't able to join you.  I imagine it felt frustrating and sad for you.   

Do you think this is what people mean when they say they outgrew a person or situation?

[CryWolf]

Sorry, but I tend to look at people as they encroach into my space. It could have been just a random person walking by, a waitress, or whomever. If she happened to be attractive, chances were that my ex would say, "I see how you're looking at that waitress. I don't blame you for wanting her." I'd look at my ex incredulously, having no idea how in the world she drew that conclusion. It was like dealing with a jealous teenager... .OVER NOTHING!

This bizarre jealously would extend to Facebook friends and replies to my posts, any random people walking by who she deemed I would be attracted to, relatives at parties, people I've not even given any mind to, etc.

Wow, this hit home to me...

So many times, the moment was ruined by my ex. So many times, she accused me of checking someone out or having relations with someone else and it would cause me to "prove myself". Its sabotaging to the relationship.

One time, at a bubble tea shop, someone dropped a stack of Jenga blocks on the floor, it made a loud noise and I looked. She accused me of checking the girl. I told her no it was the noise, and of course she said "I appreciate you being honest with me than lying. she is attractive.' then came the silent treatment. one time she even accused me for having relations with a lawyer I had to see due to an accident. She was double my age. like seriously?

I also felt like i was dealing with an infant. I felt I had to babysit so many times, and do things for her that she is capable of doing but doesnt want to/scared of.

What I got from all this, was I was maturing in the course of the relationship. I didnt think so, but I was growing. I did the best i could. you can only do so much and give so much of yourself to someone.

Wishing you peace and love. 

[Jeffree]

It sounds like you were able to mature emotionally within the relationship and that she wasn't able to join you.  I imagine it felt frustrating and sad for you.

I don't know that I matured as much as I was extremely consistent with who I presented myself as. I was genuine and was always my genuine self. Basically, I don't know how to be anything other than what I am, which ain't so bad last time I checked.

My ex sold me a false persona that she couldn't maintain the longer the relationship lasted. I believe who she turned out to be is who she really is given how long she was that way.

Do you think this is what people mean when they say they outgrew a person or situation?

I think this is one of the ways in which that dynamic plays out.

J