A Breakthrough Happened, But Things Still Tough

[Depression = 72% of members]

I finally had the courage to leave my BPD husband for a couple of months after he went on a two day tirade.  The reason for the blow up was I told him I thought he had BPD. He'd had previous blowups about other things before but this was the worst one yet. I had been really upset about his behavior for a while and felt like a victim, but this time I decided to remove myself from the situation . During the time I was a way I was able to see with clarity how my reactions to his behavior were wrong, and I had to act and live from a more independent place. I felt really good being alone and felt torn as to whether or not I wanted to return.

While away I would meet up with my husband in hopes that the distance would help him make the breakthrough to being in a more stable place. It kept failing and every time we met I felt attacked and rejected. This was combined with sadness and fear he would express about us being apart. I was feeling hopeless and became convinced that there was no resolving the situation. I took my wedding ring off my finger.

One day things changed. After trying to express my feeling over the phone I was attacked. A few minutes later I received a text msg that surprised me. In the text he said he realized he was misinterpreting something good and unthreatening as veiled anger. He said "It prob is frustrating and leads to legitimate anger, which could convince me you're concealing your anger and leave you feeling horrible, and I did that last night and today as well." He told me he accepted my right to experience emotions. This was a huge breakthrough that he finally made after two long months of going no where. A week later I decided to move back in with my husband with the hope that he would be able to sustain his breakthrough as would I. I must admit that he is handling his emotions much better. He did have a short blow up a couple weeks after he was back but he was able to self reflect afterwards and say he was sorry.


Despite this change I can't help but feeling dissatisfied and wounded by what I went through. I feel like he could still blow up at any time, and although he is much more reflective, it completely throws me off. An added factor is I'm more independent and I know how it feels to be alone. Whenever I get these uncomfortable feelings all I can think about it leaving and dealing with no one's emotions but my own. This can be miserable because I end up not accepting the current situation but always am looking to be somewhere else.  I feel as if the only thing keeping me around is the promise that things might get back to how good they were years ago. We have been married 7 years and were together six years before that. I would rather things work out and we improve out marriage but it is a difficult adjustment.

I'm looking to hear from others who may have been through similar situations and any insights you might have would be encouraging.

[Ceiba2017]

I finally had the courage to leave my BPD husband for a couple of months after he went on a two day tirade.  The reason for the blow up was I told him I thought he had BPD. He'd had previous blowups about other things before but this was the worst one yet. I had been really upset about his behavior for a while and felt like a victim, but this time I decided to remove myself from the situation . During the time I was a way I was able to see with clarity how my reactions to his behavior were wrong, and I had to act and live from a more independent place. I felt really good being alone and felt torn as to whether or not I wanted to return.

While away I would meet up with my husband in hopes that the distance would help him make the breakthrough to being in a more stable place. It kept failing and every time we met I felt attacked and rejected. This was combined with sadness and fear he would express about us being apart. I was feeling hopeless and became convinced that there was no resolving the situation. I took my wedding ring off my finger.

One day things changed. After trying to express my feeling over the phone I was attacked. A few minutes later I received a text msg that surprised me. In the text he said he realized he was misinterpreting something good and unthreatening as veiled anger. He said "It prob is frustrating and leads to legitimate anger, which could convince me you're concealing your anger and leave you feeling horrible, and I did that last night and today as well." He told me he accepted my right to experience emotions. This was a huge breakthrough that he finally made after two long months of going no where. A week later I decided to move back in with my husband with the hope that he would be able to sustain his breakthrough as would I. I must admit that he is handling his emotions much better. He did have a short blow up a couple weeks after he was back but he was able to self reflect afterwards and say he was sorry.


Despite this change I can't help but feeling dissatisfied and wounded by what I went through. I feel like he could still blow up at any time, and although he is much more reflective, it completely throws me off. An added factor is I'm more independent and I know how it feels to be alone. Whenever I get these uncomfortable feelings all I can think about it leaving and dealing with no one's emotions but my own. This can be miserable because I end up not accepting the current situation but always am looking to be somewhere else.  I feel as if the only thing keeping me around is the promise that things might get back to how good they were years ago. We have been married 7 years and were together six years before that. I would rather things work out and we improve out marriage but it is a difficult adjustment.

I'm looking to hear from others who may have been through similar situations and any insights you might have would be encouraging.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Despite this change I can't help but feeling dissatisfied and wounded by what I went through. I feel like he could still blow up at any time, and although he is much more reflective, it completely throws me off. An added factor is I'm more independent and I know how it feels to be alone. Whenever I get these uncomfortable feelings all I can think about it leaving and dealing with no one's emotions but my own. This can be miserable because I end up not accepting the current situation but always am looking to be somewhere else. 

I'm looking to hear from others who may have been through similar situations and any insights you might have would be encouraging.

Hi Ceiba2017,



I like how you ask for exactly the kind of support you need! That's great!

Had you seen or heard about the issues involved in trying to deliver the news of BPD to someone before this happened? See here: Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

Folks tend to think that is a pretty bad idea, telling someone I mean. I did it too though! It was before I found this site. We just refer to it as "emotional sensitivity" now which he has no problem with recognizing actually. He knows this for himself.

The sentence I bolded spoke to me a lot! I feel exactly the same way! I am sorting out how to deal with this myself. I have given myself a timeframe to decide. I don't know what to do though in the meantime... .How to handle things. Do I put in a lot more effort? Coast a bit to give myself some inner peace that is much needed after years of turmoil and chaos? I am not sure. What feels right to you at this time?

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Ceiba2017 and let me join pearlsw in welcoming you. This is a supportive community made up of people with extremely similar experiences to yourself.

Seconding pearls that in most cases the pwBPD (person with BPD) won't respond well to being confronted about the illness, even by a therapist. When I address the things going on in my house with my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife), I tend to focus on her "behaviors" and how they are not acceptable.

Despite this change I can't help but feeling dissatisfied and wounded by what I went through. I feel like he could still blow up at any time, and although he is much more reflective, it completely throws me off.

I understand you completely here. The thing about BPD I've learned is that it tends to work in cycles. My wife tends to have stable periods, even times where she can acknowledge her illness, but the progress made during these periods is eventually lost in self-initiated chaos. The more aware of the cycle I am, the harder it is to relax between episodes.

A good first step to negotiating the situation is to enhance your self care. Are either of you seeing a therapist? Do you have any friends or family that are aware of the situation and that you can turn to for support?

~ROE

[Radcliff]

Wow, I'm impressed with so many things in your post.  You had the courage to take some space.  Your husband overcame his own obstacles to recognize your need to feel feelings.  You felt safe enough to move back in.  I am impressed by both of you!

It's totally natural to have adjustment difficulties.  And you've got a long way to go before you get to where you want to be.  You mentioned that when the going gets tough now, you feel an urge to leave.  That makes sense, since just recently you were enjoying how simple and safe being along is.  That leads me to a couple of questions:

Do you feel like you have enough alone time now?  :)o you have space to enjoy some independent activities, so you have space to decompress and recharge?

The second question is about how to combat that urge to leave when things get tough.  :)o either of you have the support of a therapist?  Have you tried couples counseling?  Since he has shown an ability to be insightful about your communications (which again is a huge asset for your relationship) you might find it helpful to read High Conflict Couple, by Alan Fruzzetti.  It is written specifically to help couples communicate when one or both of the people has a high conflict personality (the author is familiar with BPD, but doesn't mention it in the book, so it's safe to share with a pwBPD).

Let us know your thoughts on the alone time question, and your support system for improving the relationship.  You've got several things going for you, and good reason for hope.

WW

[Ceiba2017]

Thank you for your responses everyone. It's very encouraging to have support from you all. To specifically address what Pearl brought up about deciding whether or not to leave I'm still in this conumdrum. He had a couple of flare ups since I've been back so it brings down my hope that things have really changed and makes me feel like I'm foolish to have come back. I have books I'm reading but it's a heck of a lot of work to learn new responses and understand dbt techtiques. Sometimes I feel like this is too much work for a relationship. I go back and forth between putting  a lot of work into it, and just wanting to coast along and bite my tongue when I'm upset. My therapist suggested having a weekly time to sit down and bring up things about the relationship that are on our minds. That way it's a regular thing and I don't feel like I'm carrying around things that upset me. Of course this would be a good time to practice those responses.

I found a support group in the area that mainly comprises victims of npd, but they are welcoming to those in relationships with BPDs. I also joined a local chorus and that's something which I'm able to participate in every week and take my mind off of things for a little while. I'm also seeking out meetups for people who are new to learning web development as myself. My husband also wants to participate with me in this and part of me just wants to keep that as my own time and part of me thinks maybe it will be a good thing. 

On the issue of bringing up BPD to a borderline, I was very aware that this is something that would yield bad results. I certainly didn't think it would result in my husband trying to break every picture in his father's house of himself and hitting himself on the floor at which point the police were called. I was just really angry at my husband for abusing me with his emotions which he often used to do by way of text. He would sent me 30 texts at a time with rambling nonsense destabilizing me while at work. He had done that all day to me before the big blow up happened. One of the things I made clear before coming back was that this would be unacceptable. He's now showing restraint with this.

I'm seeing a therapist and I've made some good progress with her in accepting my emotions and emphasizing my self care. When I left for a couple months my husband sought out a therapist which he saw twice. He said he didn't really hit it off with the guy and complained of the expense being too much. He also said that his problem is that he is too emotional so when he sees a therapist and talks about his feelings things get worse. He decided to stop seeing him and I wonder if he just felt he wasn't ready. The problem is I don't think he'll go seek therapy unless things got really bad again or I just decided to leave once more.

Once again thank you for your responses and for giving me an opportunity to share my thoughts. If you have any follow up experiences to share or further thoughts of your own, they're more than welcome.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Ceiba, I am deeply impressed with the steps you've taken, particularly in terms of finding a support group and other external outlets (I joined a chorus, too   . And I'm so glad you found a therapist that can provide a space for your emotions to be heard. Great work on all fronts.

~ROE

[desperate.wife]

Sometimes I feel like this is too much work for a relationship. I go back and forth between putting a lot of work into it, and just wanting to coast along and bite my tongue when I'm upset.

Right? I feel the same. Shouldn't relationships be two people filling each other, making happy, better people. Why to stay in smth that requires so much effort and compromises, often one sided? And yet we stay.

Looks like you are taking very good care of yourself. I need to take example from you

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you're finding yourself thinking about all the effort you'll need to put in and whether or not it's going to get you where you want to go in the relationship.  That's totally natural.  It is a lot of work to love a pwBPD.  One of the most important things for coping long term is strong boundaries.  It sounds like you've had some improvements with him harassing you by text and phone at work?  What's the current situation?  How are your boundaries with him in other areas?  Are there troubling behaviors still?

WW

[Ceiba2017]

To address what wentworth brought up about boundaries, I have gotten better at imposing these because now I recognize what they are. Another place where I put them down is in with discussion. If he became emotionally dyregulated he would go on for three hours. Now I cut him off at no more than one hour. If it’s gone that far I leave the house for about an hour to let things cool down. Also with other people I used to get intimidated about being around people he doesn’t like. Since he doesn’t like almost everybody this makes things difficult. I’ve learned to just be more fearless about pursuing friendships whether or not he likes them. The thing I really cannot do anything about is his suppressing emotions by smoking weed or the fact that when he’s emotional he does not eat. He can go 1-2 days without eating. I figure this is just the result of subsuming processes. I don’t feel like I can really effect the last two. I spent the whole last week with anxiety because I didn’t like his emotional outbursts. I’m learning when to make the call that I need to be alone and figuring out where to go.

[pearlsw]

I'm still in this conundrum. He had a couple of flare ups since I've been back so it brings down my hope that things have really changed and makes me feel like I'm foolish to have come back... .

Sometimes I feel like this is too much work for a relationship. I go back and forth between putting  a lot of work into it, and just wanting to coast along and bite my tongue when I'm upset. My therapist suggested having a weekly time to sit down and bring up things about the relationship that are on our minds. That way it's a regular thing and I don't feel like I'm carrying around things that upset me. Of course this would be a good time to practice those responses.

Ceiba2017,

I'm in this same conundrum. It is not an easy decision. If I choose to leave it would cause a great deal of damage, however if I stay the damage to me might also be too much. I am weighing it very carefully because if I end it I want to be ready - not stay because he begs me to, not feel like I have to due to obligations/promises, just really feeling it is the right thing at the right time, when I simply have nothing left to give.

How do you think he'll handle such conversations with you? I like this once a week idea, that seems like a reasonable amount to avoid overwhelming a person. How will this work in practice? Has he agreed to it?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

I'm really impressed by your boundary work.  It must feel so much better to not be trapped in hours long fruitless conversations!

I totally understand you about not being sure how much work to put in.  Look at it this way -- learning the tools is putting a lot of work into yourself.  :)edicating some effort to learning tools will make your current life more comfortable.  If the current relationship can work, you'll be open to that.  If it can't, leaving would be difficult, and you'll need the emotional strength to get through it.  In that case, having learned the tools and knowing you gave it your best shot will likely be a good defense against any guilt and doubt that could hold you back.

When you cap a conversation at an hour and take some time to yourself, what do you say when you disengage from the conversation?  How does he react?

WW

[RolandOfEld]

To address what wentworth brought up about boundaries, I have gotten better at imposing these because now I recognize what they are. Another place where I put them down is in with discussion. If he became emotionally dyregulated he would go on for three hours. Now I cut him off at no more than one hour. If it’s gone that far I leave the house for about an hour to let things cool down. Also with other people I used to get intimidated about being around people he doesn’t like. Since he doesn’t like almost everybody this makes things difficult. I’ve learned to just be more fearless about pursuing friendships whether or not he likes them. The thing I really cannot do anything about is his suppressing emotions by smoking weed or the fact that when he’s emotional he does not eat. He can go 1-2 days without eating. I figure this is just the result of subsuming processes. I don’t feel like I can really effect the last two. I spent the whole last week with anxiety because I didn’t like his emotional outbursts. I’m learning when to make the call that I need to be alone and figuring out where to go.

I also think you're doing nice work on this Ceiba. Especially on this friend part. And yes there is absolutely nothing you can do about his weed smoking. Same with me and my wife's drinking.

~ROE

[Ceiba2017]

It’s 3:21 am and I cannot sleep because of anxiety caused by the relationship with my husband. I tried spending the day alone, meditating and reached out to a relative. When I went home I just could not take it anymore. I started pulling all my clothes from the closet and gathering my things to leave. Of course my husband convinced me not to leave and said he was ready to do therapy. He said he would do anything to keep us together. I calmed down but remained pretty angry and anxiety ridden. I tried reading a book on self awareness, meditation again, calming tea, lavender candle and none of it helped. Right now I’m debating if I should just pack my things up and go tomorrow morning. In the least I think I need a little time away to allow me to calm down. This really stinks because I cannot really afford to miss work and it looks like that will probably happen tomorrow. I just feel like I have to draw the line somewhere. If I feel this unhealthy I should leave. Only thing is I told myself if I left again it would be for good. I guess I need to tell myself that it’s ok to be feeling this way and anxiety is understandable. I wish I had a better support group. I just moved back to LA after 10 years and it’s hard to coordinate with my friends on the east coast.

[pearlsw]

Hi Ceiba2017,

Can you tell us more about the anxiety? What kinds of thoughts are going through your head? Are these recent thoughts or are they worse at certain times for you?

I can understand how hard it is when your friends are so far away. I moved overseas to be with my SO and I've gradually most of friends back in my home country. My world is very small, and although I am pretty self-sufficient it is not easy at times. I really do not have a full life and it is not easy to establish one where I am or to face possibly rebuilding one if I go back to my home country. It can get pretty overwhelming at times!

Remember, just like in meditation, all those thoughts are just thoughts. One of my favorite sayings to help deal with thoughts is this: "Thoughts are clouds, mind is sky." So, those anxious nights, you might want to lay back in bed and think about how big the sky is and then watch those clouds go by. They are just clouds. Watch them but do not attach yourself to them.

Having nice words to put in your head can also help with anxiety. Your own mantras or positive self-talk can be put into that anxiety machine instead of darker thoughts.

What do you think of these notions? What do you already do to manage when you feel anxious?

You do have us here - we can be a piece of your support system too!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry to hear about the anxiety.  That can make everything so difficult, especially if home does not feel safe and supportive.

You said that if you ever left again, it would be for good.  Try not to box yourself into a corner.  The first priority now is trying to be creative in finding ways to get your anxiety down so that you can consider things from a better perspective.  That could involve leaving for a week with a plan to return, it could involve doing a solo weekend, it might just involve long weekday evening walks in the neighborhood.  Try to brainstorm some ways for you to get space that don't seem to force a decision and thus potentially add to the anxiety.

Can you tell us more about where the anxiety is coming from?  I can think of many reasons why someone in your shoes might be anxious, but am wondering if you can help us understand what the biggest reasons are for you.

WW

[Ceiba2017]

I wanted to let people here know that I've left my relationship again. I had just become too unhealthy. I wasn't eating or sleeping and knew if I stayed I would end up in the hospital and probably lose my job. The anxiety was just too great and no amount of therapy or reading books was going to replace removing myself from the situation.  I've been gone about a week. Immediately I felt very relieved and my eating and sleeping went back to normal after a couple days. However I am constantly being triggered. There are so many things that we enjoyed together that I'm reminded of and I break into tears at random moments. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one to survive because it's our wedding anniversary.  This is much more difficult than I've ever experienced in my life. I hope I will start to feel better soon. I will probably start a new thread soon in "learning after a failed relationship."

[Radcliff]

Thanks for keeping us posted.  You made a difficult choice.  I'm sorry to hear that things are so tough for you, and sorry to hear about the unfortunate timing with the anniversary.  The random crying, everything you are experiencing, is totally normal, but I'm sorry it hurts so much.

You might want to look at the Detaching board.  There are lessons along the right side that describe the various stages of detaching from a relationship.

If you start a new thread, please place a link here so folks who have been following you here can move there to support you.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Ceiba, it's a brave thing you did, to choose self preservation over the fragile comfort of familiarity. I can imagine the pain of things like anniversary must be very difficult to deal with. Please take it a day at a time and the community here will be there to support you each step of the way.

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Radcliff]

Ceiba, how are you doing?

WW

[Ceiba2017]

Wentworth,

I am doing ok today. I feel the best I've felt in the past couple of weeks. I felt good enough to make some jokes today with my co-workers. It was a very intense emotional sting when I first left filled with a great amount of gilt, regret and sadness. But I was firmer this time in going no contact. I blocked his phone and eventually after a week I had his emails automatically deleted. My husband did show up at my work a few days after I left in the parking lot, but I was pretty short although it did shake me up for a few hours after. He said he just wanted to say he was sorry. Of course I said this is fine but still said we shouldn't see each other at this time to which he agreed. Taking the final step to have his emails auto delete was very difficult. It was a real exercise in letting go. But now that I did it I'm feeling a little bit stronger. My goal is to keep a distance and start to regain my health an happiness so I can make rational decisions and not ones govern by attachment, lonliness, fear etc. It has been very difficult and when I have the emotional fortitude I would like to write a longer post on this. Thank you for following up!

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you're feeling better.  Have you continued with the chorus and the Web development meetups?  Are you happy with the new place you are living?

WW