I want to end my life.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't know how anyone manages in this life.  The reason I stay is for my mom.  I made a mistake being with this girl. I've ruined so many chances with anyoen I hate myself.  I wanna leave.

Please let me?

[Shedd]

I don't know how anyone manages in this life.  The reason I stay is for my mom.  I made a mistake being with this girl. I've ruined so many chances with anyoen I hate myself.  I wanna leave.

Please let me?

[Turkish]

Shedd,

A few days ago you sounded like you are doing better. What's going on now that you are doing so low?

T

[ILuvABorderline]

Please, please, please don’t consider ending your life an option. If things have gotten that bad, please leave her. Please tell someone how you feel. I understand how you feel. The desperate desire to leave. To just no longer exist. It sounds like you really love your mom. Share your feelings with her. Let your family support you and help YOU get help. Whoever this girl is, she has to WANT to get better. If she refuses and you are sinking to a point of committing suicide, you HAVE to get out. You HAVE to get help. You HAVE to save yourself. I love my husband and I want things to work out between us but if I ever started to seriously consider suicide I would leave.

[Shedd]

Everyone around me seems to find someone. To love, to be with. I am useless as much love as I give this world I am nothing. I'm so tired of trying to give out my love when it recieves zero respect even from my own family.

[Shedd]

My ex is super happy in love. I'm suffering in her memory.

[Shedd]

Pride month messed me up. Also been suffering anxiety from Zak Bagan's haunted house in Las Vegas. I'm an empath. I  Feel like I brought something home with me.

I also am an ass and tex her gf.

[Turkish]

Feeling so isolated must be brutal.  :)o you have anyone on your life who can help support you,  too reach out to? Does your mom also give you zero respect?

[Shedd]

Feeling so isolated must be brutal.  :)o you have anyone on your life who can help support you,  too reach out to? Does your mom also give you zero respect?

My mom is one of the only ones. Why I stay. She helped me live and get a place so I feel bad killing myslef an disrespecting what she gave me.

[Shedd]

I have tons of xanax and Cellexa I can use!

[Turkish]

Member signed off after making last post. The administrators are monitoring this situation and will post any updates here.

It is not uncommon for a member to stay away a few days after an evening like this.

Edit: OP logged in at June 30, 2018 at 1:31 PM PST

[spero]

Hi there Shedd,

I'm really really sorry that you going through such a tough tough period now.
I don't know what time is it at your side. Have you had anything to eat and did you manage to get some sleep? Would you be working at the moment as well?

Your,
Spero

[steelwork]

Shedd, this is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

800-273-8255

Please call. They are trained to address people in crisis.

We care about you.

[Insom]

Hi, Shedd!  Hugs.    I hear you're feeling very low. 

You had a therapy appointment on Monday with someone new, right?.  How did that go?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shedd,

Pride month messed me up. Also been suffering anxiety from Zak Bagan's haunted house in Las Vegas. I'm an empath. I  Feel like I brought something home with me.

I also am an ass and tex her gf.

You've had a lot all at once here and that is something to be mindful of.  It won't always be this way.  Trust me, things do get better.  I've been where you are and felt like this.  :)epressed states can make things feel a whole lot worse.  Have you spoken to your doctor/therapist/a crisis worker?  

If you want to talk about the above more, we're here.  What did you say in the text?  It sounds like you regret it.  We're listening. 

Love and light x

[EdR]

Please don't harm yourself. I understand that this must be really hard for you, but keep thinking of your mom.
You are not just staying for her... .she is proof that there most certainly are people who care about you, but just maybe not in your life right now. Your mom represents hope. Don't lose that hope.

[Jeffree]

Shedd,

I think we can run into trouble when we think life is supposed to be a certain way or work a certain way, even seemed like it was working the way we thought it would, then turns out to be much different (usually in an "bad" way) than we ever could have imagined.

The thing is... .

Life itself has no meaning. It is just what it is. It's full of people and pets and nature and energy and events and actions and work and rest and so much that swirls. The sun, the sky, the stars, the moon.

We give it meaning through our experiences and our dreams and thoughts.

But at the end of the day life just IS.

Shedd, give the meaning to YOUR life. "Accept the things you can't change." Be the best you!

It gets better. There's so much out there, things greater than you can ever imagine, open your heart to the possibilities.

 

J

[BeagleGirl]

Shedd,
I've been where you are.  For me it was my kids that kept me alive long enough to prove that things do get better. 

Life is worth living.  Sometimes it feels empty and unbearable, but I know from experience that it can become fuller and more bearable with just one glimpse of beauty.  I also know that your life will make that of others less empty and more bearable. 

Please call the hotline.  Eat something even if you don't feel like it.  Try to find some sunshine to bask in.  If you can't sleep, try exercising until you're exhausted enough to rest.  Reach out to those around you, here and in "real life". 

BeagleGirl

[Shedd]

Been on cellexa and seeing a therapist now. I’m really hoping she helps me because most therapists can’t seem to help.

Sorry for the trouble.

[Insom]

Shedd!  Thank you for checking in.  (I've been thinking/worrying about you.)  I hear how hard this has felt and am with you 100% re: hoping your new T will help.

Do you know how long it'll take for the Cellexa to kick in?

[Shedd]

Do you know how long it'll take for the Cellexa to kick in?

Doctor said 5 weeks.

I think I’ve been on it for 2. I feel the anxiety went away, but the depression is still lingering. Feeling better the last couple days.

[MeandThee29]

Feeling better the last couple days.

One good thing. Sometimes that's what keeps us going.

[Shedd]

So idk if you guys saw me say I contacted her gf wishing them well... .

Well, she was an ass to me about it so we started fighting and getting into some deep discussions.  I told her how she treated me and what not.  I don't understand why her gf didn't just block me. Hmm.

Well, my ex texted me and told me to stop texting them or she's going to file a harrassment charge. 

I got to say what I needed to say that she ruined my life so go ahead.  That doesn't scare me for everything I have been through in my life. 

It will just be a new experience, and it will keep me from contacting her. Whom I don't need to be speaking to anyway!

I'm just happy I got to say what I needed to say to her.  I feel like it's complete.  Nothing is coming back from this.  She hates me forever and I hate her forever. 

I say bring on the harrassment charge 'cause she's just waisting her time.

[Skip]

So I text my ex's girlfriend to wish them well because I always did wish the best for my ex even when I hated her because I have a really big heart and just want people to be happy.  

I said that I really do want my ex to be happy I'm glad she makes her happy, please keep her happy you should marry her since she seems so happy with you.  Blah blah.

Mind you I was extremely drunk when I wrote to her.  

I say bring on the harrassment charge 'cause she's just waisting her time.

Everyone around me seems to find someone. To love, to be with. I am useless as much love as I give this world I am nothing. I'm so tired of trying to give out my love when it recieves zero respect even from my own family.

I have tons of xanax and Cellexa I can use! [for suicide]

Shedd,

You're hurting, big time. This thing has really kicked you.  :)o you think you might be on a self-destructive path right now? A harassment restraining orders ("injunction" in your state) is going to make you feel worse. Drinking heavily and taking antidepressants can kill you.

Can you walk us through what has been going on for the last two weeks. What drove you to seek therapeutics two weeks back? What happened that upset your Friday? What was you thought in calling your ex's girlfriend? Why didn't you respond to our wellness inquiries?

Let's talk through these things. Let's try to get to a better place. Baby steps.

This stuff is very hard. Many of us have been where you are.

This is an anonymous community. You can let it all out here... .people will work with you.

Skip

[Shedd]

It was pride weekend this last weekend.  I identify as a lesbian, but everyone thinks I'm straight.  I don't fit in anywhere. All my friends are with someone.  They don't invite me with anywhere. I'm like a third wheel.

I text her because I really do care about her, but she will never see me she will always see me as a monster.  Even though no matter what she did I thought the world of her. Always patient.  Never getting mad at her or standing up for myself when I needed to because I didn't know how.  

Now... .

I don't know how at all because everytime I try to stand up for myself I get knocked down to the damn ground and bullied or kicked around.  So I just push people away and don't talk to anyone.

I'm tired of being a good person, but I don't know how else to be.

I suffer because she gets to walk away like I never mattered and be happy with someone new.  She is still friends with all her exes except me.

She claimed to hate her first ex gf, but she always had open communication with her during our relationship, and I let it happen because I'm a very understanding person and know people need certain things.  She needed contact to see her dog.  

I did absolutely everything I could in my power to make her happy and she hates me.  

I have been down a destructive path for the last year after she abandoned me again!

She has abandoned me so many times, blocked me on social media.  Kept me from trying to help her.  Never let me do anything.

I already suffered enough living with my Narcisssistic step father for 20 years.  Always stuck in my room because he would harass me when I was out of it.  

Everywhere I go I get bullied and destroyed while I see so many other people be happy when they treat people like crap.  It makes me insane.  I never feel good enough for anyone even though I treat people SO well that it destroys myself...  

I am not good at life.

[Skip]

Have you taken the depression test and benchmarked yourself in the thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

This would be a good way to see how you are progressing going forward.

[Shedd]

Have you taken the depression test and benchmarked yourself in the thread?


This would be a good way to see how you are progressing going forward.

I would say a 4 for all of those things listed.

[1stTimer]

Everyone around me seems to find someone. To love, to be with. I am useless as much love as I give this world I am nothing. I'm so tired of trying to give out my love when it recieves zero respect even from my own family.

Hi Shedd, I totally feel you on this. I gave up a lot and gave a lot of love to help my family when my father was ill (eventually passed) and got villified for it. I was recently telling my own mother almost verbatim what you said; not just that I get zero but I get the OPPOSITE of what I put in. But she reminded me of some wisdom she gave me as a child when I stopped thanking the cashier becaues they never said 'you're welcome'. She said you don't give love or respect or politeness to people for them you do it for you. You put it out there without expecting anything and if you don't get it back and decide to withhold it is is only then that you've lost love/respect/kindness. So she said that the people (sisters, girl I liked, etc) who were not reciprocating/recognizing weren't doing so because I wasn't worthy but because of their own issues.

Keep giving love. It has more effect than you realize, whether or not people can or do acknowledge it. You are making a difference Shedd. You can't if you are not here. So few people give love we need every one we've got

I too am taking care of my mother (see some of my threads) and have had very little respect/acknoweldgement not only from family but also in my own attempts to connect for 'love' because it is not something that is respected (living at home) even if the reason is good. So I get a double-whammy. But I have to tell myself in the end I'm doing something good for someone I love and if I don't get validaiton or love back or from the outside you know what? I will one day because I can love.

Hold on to that; not whether it is reciprocated (yet) just that YOU can love. And Live. It will come back to you I promise you. Just stay with us and keep on loving. It is all any of us can do.

[Shawnlam]

Shedd if it wasn’t for people like you this world would be a much darker place.This world needs people that love unconditionally so please be very proud of who you are.I too see a lot of people out there that are happier and have someone that loves them , so I feel what you feel as well ,you are not alone.There is something exceptionally special with people who can love without expecting anything in return and even more so if they are treated badly and still love their ex partners.Right now things seem dark but your time will come ,it really will but sometimes its when we least expect it.

I too drank heavily if you read my story and follow my healing process.All I can say is I had to give it up in order to heal properly no matter how hard that is to do.I understand when you look at pictures or social media and see how happy these people seems to be , that alcohol pushes the pain away,yet it also makes it come back 10 times worth .Im not trying to lecture you I promise , I’m just trying to tell you about my story and booze became a depressant for me .
Please keep posting here , ask any questions you have no matter what they are , we will do our best to help you.

[StCroixRiver]

My father took his own life and I am a lesbian, so I can relate to your feelings. I would be more than happy to talk with you! Please go to your nearest hospital ER and tell them you're suicidal and they will help you. Please! You are important and appreciated and valued and loved!

[Conflictedlover]

Hi,
   I know what you’re going through. A lot of us do. Being with someone wit BPD is not easy. The toll of the relationship is a big one. But that does not mean that you give up. You have your whole life ahead of you and if one person is making you want to kill yourself then it’s time to leave. Your mental health is just as important as theirs. And if this is where you are you need to seek help for you right now. Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel right now. I’m sure she would do anything to help you right now. I hope you decide not to take your life. And that you take care of yourself.