Behaviours i put up with

[juju2]

My story is here, one plus year out of ten yr live in w pwBPD.

Due to my severe codependency, i put up w him not paying his fair share, he could work or not, i was the breadwinner, he would show inappropriate attention to other women in my presence, in public, he acted like we werent together, he made no plans for a future together, i gave him extravagant gifts, that he soon expected, took him on my work trips, paying for him to go, i willingly tried everything and anything to try and make him happy.
The worst thing i did to myself, was allow this person into my heart, and he had no real liking, affection, nothing tangible for me.  When i said we need to separate, i got to be toxic, i needed to heal, he left in a huff, said well, we are broken up now, you need to know that.  I let myself, my life, be hijacked by someone who really didnt even care a hoot for me... .it was far and few between that i would see caring.   I know he has BPD, and i guess we all live through this stuff.?

Thank you for listening.   j

[juju2]

So my older dtr gave me great r/s advice:  go for the butterfly, not the lightning bolt!

She is married to a butterfly, delightful, devoted to her, reliable, consistant.   She let her college crush, addicted to marijuana boy friend go, after it became undeniable, he cared about drugs more than her.   He was her lightning bolt.

Peace, joy, love  j

[Harley Quinn]

Juju, what was it that kept you in the r/s?  What did he offer that you wanted or needed?  Can you tell us what his good qualities are that attracted you?

Love and light x

[juju2]

I can, and i will one day.

I need to come to grips w the reality of my situation.  It is part of detaching.

[Harley Quinn]

Would you like to tell us how you view that situation?  What if anything are you struggling with?  Any of the Ten beliefs That Can Keep Us Stuck perhaps?  Writing things down helps us to work through where we are.  Let us know how best we can support you.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi juju2,

You know anger can help you from detaching from an unhealthy r/s I read anger in your post, are you angry at him or are you angry with yourself?

[juju2]

He has anger, and i wasnt dealing with my feelings.  Am wiser, able, open.  This time apart has helped so much, so has everyone here.
Thank you Mutt

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Juju2,  I have read many of your posts.  I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I have been through a recent breakup and I know how tough it is to detach.

Sounds like you bent over backwards for him and still he was not happy.  I twisted myself almost into a pretzel trying to make my uBPDh happy, as well.

You are right in that time apart helps.  It has allowed me to breathe, to have some space and most importantly to me to have peace in my life.  What I have discovered during my time apart is that I had neglected myself.  As you say, hijacked.  Through self reflection, study and  therapy, I have discovered how to really know myself, to examine and ultimately love and accept myself. 

When I first found out about BPD and started reading and joined BPD Family, I would hear that the only people we can change are ourselves.  On a logical level, I knew this.  But, on a gut level, I have had to really apply myself to understanding, knowing my own thoughts and feelings and accepting myself.  For example, I knew that journaling was a good practice, but for some reason I tried over time and it wasn’t working for me.  Finally, recently I discovered that even in my own journal, I wasn’t being honest.  I would read it back and it was stilted, as if for an audience.  I wasn’t even allowing myself to be myself with myself.  Now that is a tongue twister!  So gradually, I am uncorking, so to speak.  It has been so valuable in trying to figure out how I let someone take all my time and energy. 

I share this because you mentioned being codependent in your post.  It seems that our codependent tendencies cause us to grab hold of someone and cling to them instead of ourselves.  Have you read “Codependent No More”?  It’s an oldie but a goodie.  I reread parts occasionally.  one chapter called “Set Yourself Free” especially resonates.  She says, “ We nag, lecture, scream; holler; cry; beg; bribe; coerce; hover over; protect; accuse; chase after; run away from; try to talk into; try to talk out of; “. Well you get the picture.  The first time I read that, I thought, “Wow that is me!”   And then I thought, “That’s crazy!”

Now you see, I understand where you are coming from.  Keep working at detaching.  You will gain peace and yourself,

Blessings,

Mustbe

[juju2]

Thank you everyone.   Help is here.

I have been doing well, or so i thought.  I did not wish him Happy Birthday, he had pulled a cool trick to make it so i needed to contact him, on his birthday... .when i actually saw what he did, that made me realize, i am being manipulated! 
Since i have gone email only, he has stepped up his emails to me.   I have been able to handle it.
One of my character defects is i dont give up.  Said another way, i am stubborn beyond reason. 
I lasted longer than i should have w the behaviours that were present, it was a trauma bond.
And i feel like he is hooking me in again, w the emails.  Him and i, when we were talking, over a month ago, talked about sharing our cat, that cat really loves him.  We had talked about he would have her for two months, then me, etc.  He hasnt brought this up again for over 6 weeks.  So now he wants us to meet up and he will take the cat.
For me, after the email increase, is that he is wanting contact again for some unknown reason.

Am trying to find a good way to handle this situation.  Maybe just seeing him briefly will be okay.  The last time i saw him, he made me wrong (again)  and i saw the hook: i can never do anything right.   I actually saw the hook.  And i was living like that for over ten years, my dear family.

[Mutt]

Am trying to find a good way to handle this situation.  Maybe just seeing him briefly will be okay.  The last time i saw him, he made me wrong (again)  and i saw the hook: i can never do anything right.   I actually saw the hook.  And i was living like that for over ten years, my dear family.

That’s good that you see it it shows progress.

If you're finding the frequency of the emails overwhelming or distressing I’d suggest to set aside a time during one day of the week where you’ll scan through the emails and find what is valid to respond to and ignore the emails for the rest of the week.

Create a folder for him and create a message rule to send those emails to that folder so that your inbox doesn’t pounded with his emails it’s out of sight out of mind and you control when you want to read them.

[Harley Quinn]

He has the dog, yes?  In my view you keep the cat.  I can't see how it could be fairer than that. 

The cat won't be happy about being shunted around, may run away and end up in difficulties.  Is it worth it to you to meet another of his needs?  The cat, in reality will love anyone who feeds and pets it.  Cats are fickle.  I have 2 and we all adore one another, so I understand the bond, but you have had a bond too juju, don't forget that and one you're having to deal with without him pandering to your needs.  You don't have to accommodate him and the cat will still have love food and shelter with you so will be perfectly content.  

He will get over the cat and vice versa.  Just as you need to get over the ten year r/s juju.  What do you think?  

I know this may sound a bit blunt and mean.  But putting yourself first is not mean.  It is your right.  

Love and light x

[juju2]

Hi H.

Thanks for your reply.  I already said yes.

We have three cats, that i kept, and one dog, he kept.  Because i gave my word, i have to go thru w it.
The timing is funny to me, now that i pulled back.

There was nothing about the cat for weeks!

so there is more to this.   And i will keep my word, if this doesnt work for me, i can always say, it just doesnt work.

Am just trying to figure out if i am able to see him, or if i just put the cat in her carrier and gear, outside the door.?  Am not sure at all what will work.

[WindofChange]

Hi Juju2, I just wondered, do you have a friend or family member who could take the cat to him so that you don't have to see him? That way you can avoid the face to face contact and protect yourself from all of the emotional angst that could be stirred up from it. Just a thought. 

[juju2]

Thank you for the idea.   No i really dont, my family became against him, and i lost myself in the r/s, didnt keep up w my friends.  Am now re-establishing myself, have friends and they dont know him.  My old friends became lost to me.
we have been separated now for 16 months, our last "date" was october 1, and then some meet ups.  It looks to me that he did move on.

[juju2]

So, am hoping that tomorrow goes well, he is picking up the cat, we havent seen one another in 5 weeks.  I have been only using email to communicate, we have animals, we have two vehicles we co own. 

He is going to keep the cat for two months.  During that time, is the deadline for him to get all of his stuff from our house, he has a ton of stuff and i gave him three months, back on may 24... .family, this really makes no sense, if he is pulling me at this point.  We talked five weeks ago about him getting the cat, and now he wants to get the cat.now that i am low contact.

I really wanted to maintain low contact, am looking for a way.  Am going to pray about it.
Thank you for listening. j

[Harley Quinn]

Juju, could you accept the cat living with him full time?  You'll have 2 pets each.  I know how hard it is to lose a pet, but you'll know he's taking care of it if they do adore one another.  It would save you from keep going through this every 8 weeks and allow you to move forwards with your life.

If he's not collecting his things tomorrow at the same time, what is the reason?  Be strong juju.  You need to do what is right for you.  If that means insisting that he collect his things or at least a good proportion of them (if there is lots) then so be it.  He can't miss these things very much if they have been there so long.  Perhaps tell him you will throw away anything he doesn't collect by your deadline.  That should motivate him if he values those items.

Perhaps invite one of your new friends to be with you at your home to give you confidence and prevent any drama from unfolding.  You want to make this short and painless.

Love and light x

[juju2]

He is collecting his things, according to him, bit by bit, nothing on that yet,  because there is literally a ton of stuff.  He is a moderate hoarder.   The backyard, one bedrm, two closets, and the carport, and stuff in the living room.  All, minus a few, of his tools, his jewelry making equipment, camping gear,
Two not running cars, a trailer, the list goes on... .
I cant give up my cat. 
He does love the cat, and he left this up in the air several weeks, which makes me think he isnt that fond of her.?  i still dont know what is going on, my family... .this way of living that i am part of... .it may sound strange, and not a lot has changed.  He isnt physically here.
So tomorrow am just handing over the cat, and i have an al anon mtg to go to, told him i have to leave.all her stuff can be outside; i think it will be okay.
One good thing, have made my amends to him, that feels good... .

[juju2]

Hi again,

When i look at all the things, belongings, it looks like our history together, the phases we went thru: camping phase, restoring cars, three multi level marketing companies, his jewelry stuff, (he wanted to go back to that, he enjoyed that).  Its like all this stuff from our life together is a jail.  Its all there, everything we were doing together.  Maybe that is why he cant get it, its overwhelming, family, it truly is.  I dont go in the backyard, its too painful.  Maybe there is help somewhere, to help us work thru this. Its an issue.  Its like our relationship means nothing to him, and there is all of this history that cant be denied.

[Harley Quinn]

-crossed-

Wow juju, all that has been sitting around you for 16 months?  You must have the patience of a saint.  That has to be hard for you, being surrounded by constant reminders.  How do you feel about it?  What have you told him happens when the deadline is up?

He is collecting his things, according to him, bit by bit, nothing on that yet,  because there is literally a ton of stuff.

Sounds like you're potentially saving him a lot of money in storage and he is dictating the pace of his meeting your request.  Would you say that was generally the way your r/s worked and the subsequent dealings you've had with him?  

Is it even remotely possible that he might use the cat as leverage to bargain with you over continuing to store his possessions?  Especially if he knows you wouldn't want to part with the cat (which I fully get - I couldn't either.  The suggestion was based upon weighing up for yourself what would hurt least long term - knowing the cat is in a safe and loving home or facing him every few weeks).  Has he ever held anything over you before?  I'm saying this because you do have the right to reconsider this agreement and simply keep the cat with you.  That is another alternative to be aware of as an option in the future.  People change their minds sometimes.  You have a right to reassess.

Well done on letting him know in advance that you are going out so won't be hanging around.  That was good forward planning to protect yourself emotionally.  

Love and light x
  

[Harley Quinn]

Maybe there is help somewhere, to help us work thru this. Its an issue.  Its like our relationship means nothing to him, and there is all of this history that cant be denied.

juju2 re read your first sentence above.  If you want to detach, you cannot be an 'us' with him.  Certainly not right now.  It is an issue, but not to him.  It is an issue for you.  He is in no rush to move these things because it suits him to have them there under your feet and not his own. 

Being direct here, it sounds like over the last 16 months he has moved on juju.  He is getting a need/needs met by you still but is in a new r/s.  You're right, the history can't be denied, but you don't need to live surrounded by it if you wish to move into the present and onto a happier future, living a life that YOU shape - around yourself, not someone else.  What are your thoughts? 

Love and light x

[juju2]

He walked out of my life, leaving everything he treasures. Treasured. All his a.a. notes, paperwork.paintings, a beloved car he was going to restore.  I can see during our time, there was so much different things going on.  Its like he left that life behind. 
At the time he left, the place he found was tiny, and there isnt space for all of this. 
He made a comment, walking out our door, "you gave me my freedom".  Its almost like he is giving himself permission to be any way he wants.  Let the chips fall. 

Maybe going to the counselor will help me.
I did meet a very nice man, whom i opened up to, about the r/s, he said, all that i need is to experience a good r/s.  He said i was in a bad r/s.
I guess am still processing, and am overwhelmed by the stuff... .i cant even think about it.

I know that i provided structure, support, emotional, financial.  I was the stability.  I remember he took this job working for a man out of his house, woodworking, and he only lasted 3 days.  And he always knew he had me to rely on.  I would understand.

All during our time, too, i was co dependent, and looking back, he really looked like a dry drunk.  Thats how we ended up being toxic together.
And up until the last 5 weeks, he hasnt experienced missing me, cause i never removed myself.  Until the last 5 weeks.

Even so, even with the hoarding, etc our problems, sexual issues, all of that, i loved him and i did see his love thru actions.   guess i am still very much processing this. I still miss him.

A friend told me to just have him get all of his stuff, until then, i wont be able to get closure.she said me keeping his stuff isnt going to bring him back.

Thank you all for being here.  This community has saved my life.

[juju2]

Today is a hard day.  Am wondering when i will recover from this r/s.  Our last contact, in person, was june 18.

[juju2]

Am going to a meeting tonite, that always helps!

[Harley Quinn]

Good.  Have you spoken at your meeting about the possessions all around you?  Juju, I've seen it happen here before that some members have had things moved into storage, paid it for say a month and sent the ex partner the key and details.  After that time it is up to them what they do - either empty it out or they pay for it. 

I think that a step like that would be both empowering and very freeing for you.  I can only imagine that you would breathe easier and have opportunity to properly let go and grieve.  Please think about this.  I know from your posts this would be difficult for you, and my slant on that is that all things that create positive change in our lives usually come with a good helping of discomfort.  You can choose to take back your space and your life.   

Love and light x

[juju2]

Thank you H.  That would cost a lot.  Have you heard of stories w this much stuff.i would have to tiw two vehicles and a trailer... .its overwhelming to even think about Harley.

Do i need to give him until the deadline.  I have to be my word.  Its the end of august.   Do you know what is going on.?  This same thing on a much smaller scale happened to my ex husb w a g/f about ten years ago.  That lady was a.a. also, not sure if she was working her program or not... .

[juju2]

So yesterday went well, left a key outside.  He called me, was quite pleasant, and he said our cat was doing good.  The cat likes strings, he remembered a funny time when she ate a string, tiny bit hanging out of her mouth, and i gently pulled that and kept pulling, 4 ft. of string!  We laughed over that... .he remembered!

It all turned out good, i got to see my sponsor too.

Thank you, family.

[CryWolf]

hey Juju, I think all the contact, meeting up for coffee, the cat, keeping his stuff is prolonging you from moving on. You want to move on, but everytime you see him a part of you holds on.

What do you think, Juju?

He mentions old memories about the cat to possibily hook you, like you mentioned earlier on this post. I would like to echo Harley Quinn and say that he is having his needs met by you. You gave him a long time to keep his things. Usually after a break up, you pick everything up the same week and get it "over with". But he has those things with you so he can come and go. Just my speculations.

[juju2]

I see what you are saying cry.

For me to move all that stuff, it would be an undertaking.  Cost too, that i dont have... .i keep praying to my Higher Power, to show me.  Until i get a sign, am waiting on this, and he has until end of august deadline.    The cat thing, i offered for the cat.   He came over one nite, after that, our cat moped around, sat on the couch where he sat, she scared me, that cat was depressed... .

At any rate, i didnt even see him when he got the cat.  I dont feel like am meeting much needs.  He has no access to me, my presence or my time... .

Thank you Cry, appreciate your strength.
This community has saved my life... .j

[Harley Quinn]

The next step is to start turning that life into one of your own design juju.  That requires action.  I'm trying to think of what would help you to clear your space and clear your energies of his presence, so to speak.  Would all the stuff inside your home fit into the vehicles outside your home?  Personally I'd be seriously considering filling the vehicles with the things that you're having to live around, so at least you can close your door and reclaim your home as your own space.  Somewhere you can be safe and grieve in peace.  If he wants to wait it out until the deadline then so be it after that. 

Juju, what is the consequence if the deadline comes and goes?

Love and light x

[juju2]

Hi H. 

Havent figured it out, just giving the time.  One step at a time.  So far nothing.  There is already stuff in the vehicles, good idea though.

Its going to be ok family.  Am in a better space, thank you, j