Wife with possible BPD wants divorce

[DriverDude]

Hello,
I first heard of the term borderline personality disorder about a month ago.  My wife has high anxiety and fear of abandonment, likely from childhood trauma.  We have had off and on escalating fights throughout our two year marriage and they have only gotten worse.  It has gotten to the point where I fear going in public places with her because she often points out and asks if I am checking out other women, claims I look at women sexually, etc.  One night at dinner with her family I was watching a baseball game in a restaurant when a yoga commercial came on.  I continued to watch it without thinking about it.  My wife perceived me as being incredibly lustful and claimed, "I can't even control myself when I am sitting next to her mom." This escalated into an all out fight and I had to leave the house.  On the way out my wife physically blocked me from leaving and said it would get so much worse if I left.  I was trying everything in my power to keep my hands off of her but the situation became too much.  I pushed her aside and she fell and I left with my bag.  It has gotten so out of control that she claims I am emotionally and even physically abusive for pushing her out of the way.  She has threatened to call the cops on me more than once.  I am constantly questioning my own reality.  Am I really such a monster?  My wife and I are currently separated and she wants a divorce for my "abusive patterns" and "infidelity".  She is refusing to see a counselor with me as well.  I have begun to give up hope on a future with this women who I love very much.  I am my wife's own worst enemy.  I have been meeting with some men and women and a therapist just to talk but have been unable to find someone who could truly relate with my story.  I am by no means into online conversations but this has gotten to a breaking point for me. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi DriverDude,

BPD arguments can come out of nowhere like a freight train and run you down in 2 seconds flat   

BPD loved ones have a hard time regulating emotions. She discharges negative feelings that she cannot tolerate onto other people, in this case you. Her emotional roller coaster is exhausting, scary, and hard to get off.

A big mistake we make is agreeing to get on that roller coaster, when that's the last thing they need, not to mention us.

Better to stay grounded and give her space to return to emotional baseline. She will be quicker to trigger and slower to return to baseline than someone who doesn't have emotion regulation challenges.

Is she communicating with you right now?

Maybe we can walk with you while you navigate this juncture in the separation.

My experience is that people with BPD who threaten divorce don't often want it. How she is handling this separation, and how you handle it, can make it better -- use this time to learn the skills that can make it easier to stay grounded when she's on tilt.

[pearlsw]

Hi DriverDude,

I hope you will stick around, keep posting and replying on other's threads too... .I think you'll find there is a lot of helpful information here that can you help you with all of the issues you mention here! (See lessons to the right here  |--->

Start with the basics, but there is more advanced information on how to deal with a jealous partner. I feel for ya on that. My SO is jealous too and it's been really damaging for us. You might be able to make some headway even on this though.

It is work, I'm not gonna tell ya otherwise, but it can make a difference - if only helping ya not make things worse!

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

I can relate to your story very much, and was blocked from leaving a room or the house many times, often leading to an assault by my wife on me.  The fact that your wife and you are separated is a good thing for safety's sake right now.  Without outside help, things are likely to escalate, and the fact that she has called you abusive and threatened to call the police on you is a risk you need to take seriously.

Blocking you from exiting is a form of domestic violence.  Most people think that domestic violence primarily affects women.  Crime studies tend to support this view because women tend to inflict less damage on men and men are less likely to report.  Studies that randomly survey large populations show that women are abusive just as often as men.  You are not alone.

To start coming up to speed on domestic violence, I would suggest you start with this bpdfamily article on BPD and physical abuse, which also links through to this bpdfamily topic on domestic violence for men.

You mentioned that you were not that into online forums.  Neither was I, but bpdfamily literally saved me.  This is a complicated situation, and you are going to need support from people who have been there.  

Can you give us some more detail on your wife's behaviors?  Has she blocked you from exiting a room or the home before?  Has she used any other methods of physical force, threats, control, e-mail or other monitoring, etc.?

Where are you staying now?  Are you entering the home you shared with her at all, or staying clear?

WW

[DriverDude]

Thank you for the responses.  My wife and I are still currently separated.  I am atmy parents home and have stayed clear from my wife for the time being.  I have heard horror stories about men who have gone to prison for unjust reasons because of a significant other with BPD.  Time is my friend right now as it has been about a month since the incident, however, she still threatens that she has "proof" of my abuse but with no elaboration on what that means.  Currently I am just trying to protect myself,  career (4th grade teacher) and my spouse from making an irrational choice if I were to return home.  She has been dark as well and has not tried to contact me in any way.  I have also noticed that she has changed her last name back on social media and has deleted pictures of me.  She seems very determined to be right.  I have tried living into her reality before by claiming that maybe she is right and I do have an anger problem.  This has never really helped though and my therapist tells me it can even hurt her in the long run.  I am not sure if she will come to her senses or if she will continue to play this out and start the divorce process with me.  At this time it seems like the latter. 


Thank you for pointing me to the articles on jealousy and domestic violence.  They have been very helpful.


DD

[Radcliff]

Your caution is warranted, I'm glad you're being careful.  As you know, a restraining order against you could be problematic with your career.  I completely agree with your therapist. 

We call admitting to something we didn't do "validating the invalid."  Many of us have done this to appease our pwBPD, and it just leads to more trouble.  The trick to dealing with these situations is to use partial validation to validate the portion of her perspective that is valid.  For example, pwBPD have hyperactive amygdalas (the part of the brain responsible for emotions, including fear).  It is possible that she actually *did* experience you as threatening, even though a "reasonable" person wouldn't have.  So you can say something to acknowledge that she felt uncomfortable, but this issue of her perceiving you fearfully can put you in a terrible bind, because having a relationship conversation and not being permitted to display your own emotions is a pretty impossible situation to be in.  It could require a lot of therapy, individually and together, to get past that.

What's your plan now?  Let things cool down and wait for her to make a move?  Reach out?  Are you getting anxious to take the next step, or are you still finding the time alone to be valuable, with insights coming and your emotions evolving?

WW

[livednlearned]

I have tried living into her reality before by claiming that maybe she is right and I do have an anger problem. 

Being in a BPD relationship can create an emotional chain reaction. It sounds like she wound you up and it was hard to find solid ground in that moment.

There is a good book called High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti -- I think it was supposed to be a book for TWO people with a PD in a relationship (if you can imagine) but I think it's helpful for anyone trying to stay safe in a BPD relationship.

Have you talked to an attorney? For information purposes only. You can sometimes consult for $100/hour (or more depending on where you live). You don't have to retain this person, it's more about asking questions to make sure you are informed about how things work in your state. She may not file, and this may resolve itself peacefully. It's also ok to be prepared for whatever comes next, if in fact it's an escalation.

For example, you may want to start keeping track of receipts. Put them in a binder in case you need to show where you were at any given time. Or, if you interact with her alone, you may live in a state where you can record the conversation without consent (one-party consent state).

One of our members was in a two-party consent state and would point the camera at himself. That allowed him to have footage of what was happening without pointing the camera at her.

He was falsely accused, and was a teacher.

You're doing the right thing and letting her return to emotional baseline right now. People with BPD tend to be quick to trigger and slow to return to baseline. Let her even out a bit and get some skills under your belt so you a plan for keeping safe.

[Radcliff]

The book, The High Conflict Couple, that livednlearned recommended is excellent.  Follow the link to go to the bpdfamily review of the book.

livednlearned's recommendation to consult a lawyer reminded me to mention the book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy.  He is a former therapist and current attorney, and wrote the book specifically about divorcing people with BPD.  Even though you are not at that point yet, and reconciliation is a possibility, it's still a good idea to read that book for at least two reasons -- he talks about how to select a lawyer for these situations, and he talks about dealing with distortion campaigns waged by pwBPD.  My wife was abusive, constantly threatening divorce, and was threatening to take out a restraining order on me.  Using the recommendations in the book, and by getting a lot of referrals, I found a lawyer very early on, even though my aim was reconciliation, in order to develop a relationship with the lawyer before the stuff hit the fan.  I only talked to the lawyer when my wife's threats drove me to it.  I ended up spending about half an hour with her every three months or so in the year leading up me having to file for a restraining order.  By the time I needed her, she had earned my trust by being very responsive to me over the previous year even though I was not a "real" client, and by having balanced and good advice.  I knew how badly picking the wrong attorney in a rush might set me back.  I'm sure my wife wouldn't agree with me yet, but picking that attorney early on played a crucial role in my ability to get our family on a safer, healthier course.

WW