Why does he do this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am still recovering from my past relationship and while I am doing well occasionally I have moments where I want to understand his behavior. One thing that has always bothered me is the fact that we would "break up" and I would be firm--often changing my number completely. The last time I decided I shouldn't have to inconvenience myself and others by changing my number again so I kept it and sure enough he started to call obsessively again at alll hours. I had finally returned his call jsut a few minutes after missing his and not surprisingly he did it answer. Furthermore, he stopped calling altogether.

What is that about?

Anyone agree or disagree with me that this is all a game to him and him and he just wanted to see if I would call back so that he can feel like he has control?

Has anyone experienced a similar pattern?

[Getoverit]

I am still recovering from my past relationship and while I am doing well occasionally I have moments where I want to understand his behavior. One thing that has always bothered me is the fact that we would "break up" and I would be firm--often changing my number completely. The last time I decided I shouldn't have to inconvenience myself and others by changing my number again so I kept it and sure enough he started to call obsessively again at alll hours. I had finally returned his call jsut a few minutes after missing his and not surprisingly he did it answer. Furthermore, he stopped calling altogether.

What is that about?

Anyone agree or disagree with me that this is all a game to him and him and he just wanted to see if I would call back so that he can feel like he has control?

Has anyone experienced a similar pattern?

[Harley Quinn]

I have.  I would be bombarded with calls when we were together and I was trying to exercise my boundary on myself to a right to some personal space.  I'd always communicate my intention and let him know in advance I wouldn't be able to answer.  When I later returned his call, he would ignore it.  It always seemed very tit for tat.  Has he left you alone since then?  Do you want to speak to him?

Love and light x

[Getoverit]

I have.  I would be bombarded with calls when we were together and I was trying to exercise my boundary on myself to a right to some personal space.  I'd always communicate my intention and let him know in advance I wouldn't be able to answer.  When I later returned his call, he would ignore it.  It always seemed very tit for tat.  Has he left you alone since then?  Do you want to speak to him?

Love and light x

Hi harleyquinn, thank you for your reply. I haven't been in touch with him since and I don't have anything to say to him. If you notice I do not mention any curiosity or interest about his needs. This is intentional as I am trying to exercise putting myself first. I guess I am most perplexed with the disorder itself and why he does the things he does.

[Harley Quinn]

If you notice I do not mention any curiosity or interest about his needs. This is intentional as I am trying to exercise putting myself first.

I did!  It's great to hear that you're making a conscious decision to do that.  Good on you! 

Yes it is difficult to understand and there are probably numerous explanations that we could extract from the DSM5, however just from my own experience I'd categorise it under the push/pull behaviour.  Also my ex was open and honest when calm about his behaviour when dysregulated and he admitted that sometimes he just wanted me to hurt like he did.  Which when you contrast to a young child lashing out when they are upset, is not dissimilar.  A pwBPD has limited emotional maturity and this is just one of the ways that I found it presented itself in my r/s.

How else are you prioritising yourself in the rest of your life?  Are you making positive changes elsewhere?

Love and light x 

[Getoverit]

Hi harleyquinn, thank you again for the reply. I don't understand how this serves a purpose--he claimed that he wanted to be with me and that he will always love me, yet he won't return a call? Again, it's not that I want to speak with him--I just don't understand the contradictions and every time I've asked him about it he would not answer and instead explode with criticism. Anyway, I'm certain that we are over and I regret ever having met him but as others have mentioned interactions with him have provided me opportunities to examine myself more closely and learn to appreciate myself more. I am kinder to myself and in turn enjoy life more. Thank you for listening!

[once removed]

do you know how he might have found out your new number?

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Hi Getoverit

You are right. This is a game, and every time he gets reaction from you he is in control. I would recommend you to read the blog of HG Tudor. You will learn everything you need to know about your situation and how to escape if it is what you want to do. If you want to stay, at least you know what you are dealing with. You will be able to predict his every move. He will continue to do everything he can to prevent you from recovering and moving on.

According to your earlier post it looks fairly obvious to me that you are dealing with malignant narcissist. And these people are dangerous. Please do not call him out of his game face to face interaction in private place. You can get seriously hurt or even killed.

Mod note: HG Tudor.  Online Reputation and Independent Review

[Mutt]

Hi Getoverit,

Can you give us a little more information? It don’t want to say exctinction bursts for sure because i want to hear it from you if you answered his calls on your old numbers?