Introduction: Unhappy stay at home, resentful & feel trapped, need to leave

[ItalianMama]

Hi,
I am a 52 year old mother of two kids ages 11 and 13. I have been married for 15 years too a man with BPD.  I am unhappy and want to leave, but I have been a stay at home mom for most of that time and my lack of recent job experience makes me feel trapped. I have put up with so many things that i never thought i would, from cheating and rages at me, overspending our money, to calling our children names. I have been trying to start a freelance business but it is going very slowly, and I no longer feel confident that I could support my children and myself if I leave.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been in recovery for about 1 1/2 years. Since he has stopped drinking, his behavior has improved somewhat. However, I still have a lot of resentment from his past behavior, there is still a fair amount of rage outbursts, name calling, etc and most importantly I really don't love him and haven't for a long time.

I feel like years of being told I am not enough has eroded my confidence so much that I can't bring myself to leave even though I know I need to. Also, every time I get close to being fed up enough to leave, his behavior improves for a while and I start to lose my resolve to leave.

I realize that staying or leaving is a decision that only I can make. I assume that I'm not the only person who has ever been in this situation and I'm hoping to learn how to build up my confidence and take better care of myself and my kids.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear ItalianMama-
I would like to welcome you to our family and tell you, YES, there are many friends here, both women and men who have found themselves in your situation.  You are definitely NOT alone.  Although I understand how lonely and isolated being in a relationship with a pwBPD feels.  (PwBPD means person with BPD). 

Has your husband been formally diagnosed with BPD?  If so, has he or is he currently seeing a therapist (T) or receiving any treatment for his disorder?  Have you been able to see a T to assist you in dealing with BPDh during all these years?

Sorry about all these questions, I'm just trying  to get a grip on things here; and the more information you provide, the better we'll be able to provide direction for you.

One great thing is that he's been sober for 1.5 years, and hopefully he is very dedicated to that sobriety.  Is he attending AA meetings regularly?  Have you considered attending Al-anon meetings?  In many of these circumstances, the non-drinking partner suffers in ways she/he doesn't even recognize until the drinking stops.  I don't mean to generalize or offend anyone, but then the excuse for some horrid behavior was "it was my disease".  Compound that with BPD traits and the brutal rages that can accompany that, and of course you're feeling resentment!  Behavior like that can erode the deepest of love, especially when the cruelty begins to target your children.

IM- you have come to a very supportive place.  There are tools on this board to assist you with communication skills to soften his rages and learn validation methods.  You can use these tools to steer him away from your children.  And you know that reinforcing to your kids (and yourself) that neither YOU, nor THEY are ANY of the names he screams at you is very important.  None of you are responsible for his illness.  He had this way before you ever met him.

You are strong and beautiful.  You are a loving and wonderful mother.  The physical and emotional wellbeing of your children and you comes before ANYTHING.  As long as the three of you are physically safe in the home, then I'd suggest you read the tools on this board for starters.  Then as I mentioned, I'd consider attending Al-anon to obtain in-person support for you.  If your BPDh questions that, you simply state that it's to better understand how you can support him.  Other things to build your confidence - are you exercising?  If not, MAKE yourself do that... .just start with simple walks.  Every step counts, ItalianMama.  Every single step. 

Reach out to friends and family.  You don't need to share everything that's going on, but you do need connection with people.  In all likelihood, you may feel somewhat isolated (did I already say that?); and it's crucial that your confidence-building includes breaking down those walls.

Please post as often and as much as you need to post.  You WILL get to where you need to be.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

Let me join Gemsforeyes in welcoming you!  I'm sorry to hear of your difficult situation, but am glad you have found us!  bpdfamily is a great place to get support.  It's hard to be told that you're not good enough for years.  Can you tell us more about what things he says that hurt your confidence the most?

To help us get to know you, can you tell us about your kids?  By your username, it's clear that being a mother is one of the things you most care about, and possibly a source of pride for you.  Telling us about that part of your life will help us get to know you better.  How are your kids doing?

WW

[ILuvABorderline]

I am also a stay at home, homeschooling mom of two children with a spouse who has BPD and a plethora of other mental illnesses. I identify with you so very much. The one difference that I can see is that while my husband's Borderline behaviors do affect our children, he never directs it at them. He has never called them names or directly attacked them in anyway. I don't believe he ever would. I think (I would hope) that would be a line-crosser for me. I have always tried to be age appropriate honest with my kids. They know Daddy has things in his brain that make him "sick" and act different from other people. I've read children's books to them on the subject, etc. I've allowed them to be honest with me about how things he does make them feel. Our almost 10 year old son has much stronger feelings than our newly 6 daughter who doesn't like Daddy's outburst but would rather have him in the home with us no matter how he is acting because she is closer with him and this is really all she knows. Abnormal is normal for her. Our son doesn't want Daddy at home until he gets help and can control his angry behaviors. If my kids were the ages of your children, I would have a discussion with them to try to see their perspective on the situation and maybe what they would like to see happen. That may make any decision you need to make easier if you knew it complied with what they also desired. Truthfully, your husband might make a much better parent if y'all weren't married. I don't  know. I find that when my husband and I are living apart he is much more intentional with the time he gets with them. The only heart wrenching downside is when our daughter asks why Daddy isn't home and cries because she misses him. I love my husband but those fluffy puffy feelings of being "in-love" are long since gone. I believe those feelings are hidden somewhere in my heart and I hope they resurface some day. I am trying not to see him in the same black and white way Borderlines view the world. I try to remember all the things I have loved about him. It is hard when I hear the angry words play like a record in my head. It is hard when I look at him and feel a stirring of love only to have that overshadowed by a terrible memory and the shock that someone who says they love me could be so awful. I'm sorry, I've started to ramble. If anything, I just want you to know that you are not alone.

[Jade_alexander]

I can totally relate to your feelings.

I have started working on a career path so I can leave when I feel ready.

It’s okay to not take action right away, you’re identifying the problems and reflecting on how you feel. Those are huge steps and can be overwhelming in of themselves.

Have you looked at what alimony or child support would be? I also looked at rental homes in my area to get an idea of what my income will need to be. Between my two jobs I’m hoping I can afford to provide for my family.

But this has taken me two years to achieve. And I’m still not there. But taking my time is what I needed. Don’t feel you have to rush into action either.