She attacked me with knives

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi again childhoodgone,

I would say, and I know this is not easy to grasp, but you are not in competition with all the other guys she may find out there in the world to give her "brutal sex".

And I want to be clear about this, as I am guessing English is not your native language, but... .do you really, literally mean "brutal sex"? Is this the best translation you have for the word/idea you have in mind? When I hear "brutal" I want to ask, does she want the sex to be at such a heightened level that it is akin to something like rape every time? Is she asking you to physically hurt her?

Thank you so much Pearl.

I mean very literally this is what she said, her exact words: "I need brutal sex, I can feel only if it is brutal sex". And in the past, in other years yes
I gave her brutal sex, she asked to be strangled and pulled by the hair very hard, and so on.
Also I was never able to give her the exact high force of strangling that she asked me for, and that remained also in the past.

But this year I did not give her brutal sex, she asked 2 times for it.

It is not that I did not want, or I have any bad opinion about it, no.

It is only that I was afraid of the 3rd genital infection this year, after having sexual intercourse with her.

It was an avalanche of bad luck from many points of view, and I don't see a stop to it yet

[childhoodgone]

Hi again childhoodgone,

I would say, and I know this is not easy to grasp, but you are not in competition with all the other guys she may find out there in the world to give her "brutal sex".

And I want to be clear about this, as I am guessing English is not your native language, but... .do you really, literally mean "brutal sex"? Is this the best translation you have for the word/idea you have in mind? When I hear "brutal" I want to ask, does she want the sex to be at such a heightened level that it is akin to something like rape every time? Is she asking you to physically hurt her?

Thank you so much Pearl.

I mean very literally this is what she said, her exact words: "I need brutal sex, I can feel only if it is brutal sex". And in the past, in other years yes
I gave her brutal sex, she asked to be strangled and pulled by the hair very hard, and so on.
Also I was never able to give her the exact high force of strangling that she asked me for, and that remained also in the past.

But this year I did not give her brutal sex, she asked 2 times for it.

It is not that I did not want, or I have any bad opinion about it, no.

It is only that I was afraid of the 3rd genital infection this year, after having sexual intercourse with her.

It was an avalanche of bad luck from many points of view, and I don't see a stop to it yet

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

It was an avalanche of bad luck from many points of view, and I don't see a stop to it yet

Hi childhoodgone,

So, getting infections made you not want to have sex with her in this brutal manner? Feel free to answer or not, but did you contract herpes or genital warts? Or is this more serious? Do you know how to manage with it whatever it is?

When you say "you don't see a stop to it" what do you mean exactly? You want the relationship to stop but don't know how? Or you want to be with her, but want the mistreatment to stop? Or you just want the sex to stop because it is risky?

I am still not clear how you view the relationship and I do not want to put words in  your mouth.

take care, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

My parents are very ill , I wrote in one of the previous posts. There was an avalanche of very bad things happening one after another.

My gf had 3 different kinds of vaginal infections that were treated or not by antibiotics

[childhoodgone]

I am sure the relationship is lost.

Important is to survive and rebuild myself somehow

[pearlsw]

I am sure the relationship is lost.

Important is to survive and rebuild myself somehow

Hi childhoodgone,

Okay. I see. This makes sense. I think you may want to open up a new thread over on the Detaching Board (with some links to your older posts perhaps so people can get up to speed) so we can help you with processing this and stepping forward in life to a healthier/safer place for you.

How does that sound?

Warmly, pearl.

[Radcliff]

childhoodgone, I'm sorry to hear that your parents are ill, and at a time when you are under so much stress from this relationship.

pearlsw had a good suggestion to start a thread on the Detaching Board.  You'll get great support there through the stages of rebuilding yourself.  You can post a link here to your new thread, and a link in that one back to this one.  I can help with the links if you're not sure how.

WW

[childhoodgone]

I am uneasy about doing that.

I posted here in "reversing a breakup"

How do I actually reverse a breakup? Which are the most efficient ways to communicate with her?

Thank you

[pearlsw]

Hi childhoodgone,

I was keying in on what you said here:

I am sure the relationship is lost.

Important is to survive and rebuild myself somehow

I understand that with depression, and some fear of being alone, it is hard to adjust and know what comes next.

In terms of what you later wrote:

I am uneasy about doing that.

I posted here in "reversing a breakup"

How do I actually reverse a breakup? Which are the most efficient ways to communicate with her?

Thank you

Let me share this... .It takes a great deal of strength to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. Have you read these pages of the site?

Being An Emotional Caregiver

Supporting Your BPD Partner

What do you think of the ideas shared there?

And also, can you please share a bit about how and why this "pause" in your relationship took place? Was it your idea? Her idea? Mutual? What led up to it? What led things to break down and are you in contact now? It is hard to assess the (potential) future without that piece of the story.

Lastly, given the two things you've posted here, is it more accurate to say you feel Conflicted about the relationship? You aren't sure if you want it or not? Or?

take good care, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hope you don't mind, but I also wanted to discuss these issues and wanted to bring them here:  

The memories that come are emotional and many are good memories.

That is the absurdity and the irony of the situation I am in.

When I was with her, I noticed the bad parts and everyone told me to get out.

Now I remember the good parts.

I feel broken

May I ask, you say "everyone told you to get out"... .why do you think they told you that? Did people have legitimate concerns? Did people know the extent of what was going on? Were you keeping a lot to yourself?

How did you feel about getting out versus staying with her? (These are your choices either way.) What was the ratio of "good" to "bad" like for you? Do you feel like she has any potential to change or would she be behaving in the same way toward you as before? Was how she was behaving upsetting for you? How does being with her make you feel?

You can do a lot of work to change, adjust the way you speak to her, etc., but if she has not changed how do you think the relationship would be for you? Would you be able to get enough out of it? Most importantly, would you feel safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

Hope you don't mind, but I also wanted to discuss these issues and wanted to bring them here:  

May I ask, you say "everyone told you to get out"... .why do you think they told you that? Did people have legitimate concerns? Did people know the extent of what was going on? Were you keeping a lot to yourself?

How did you feel about getting out versus staying with her? (These are your choices either way.) What was the ratio of "good" to "bad" like for you? Do you feel like she has any potential to change or would she be behaving in the same way toward you as before? Was how she was behaving upsetting for you? How does being with her make you feel?

You can do a lot of work to change, adjust the way you speak to her, etc., but if she has not changed how do you think the relationship would be for you? Would you be able to get enough out of it? Most importantly, would you feel safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for?

wishing you peace, pearl.

When for the first time in my life, she tells me these:

"I watch you when you sleep and often I want to kill you. But this is normal, most people think like this and never put into action, of course"

or

"Buy me plastic surgeries before march or I break up with you"

or

"My mother was very afraid of me when I told her that I want to kill children with small head because they are genetical mistakes"

or if I told them she practiced prostitution as her "fantasy" while she was in relationship with me.

Yes of course everyone tells me to break up with her, when they hear what she did to me, and how she abused me,
and I lose my friends because I continued to stay with her.

I unfortunately found out just 1 week ago about the therapy BPD tools from this website


But who in the world can understand that I have some emotional needs from the other side, the good side,
that she did sometimes, she did well - the rare maternal instinct which she showed me in some moments:
how she bathed me, wash my hair, put me to bed, kiss me, etc.

Now I feel that all this is lost, and I don't know who else can give me this

[childhoodgone]

You can do a lot of work to change, adjust the way you speak to her, etc., but if she has not changed how do you think the relationship would be for you? Would you be able to get enough out of it? Most importantly, would you feel safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for?

wishing you peace, pearl.

With time, she saw that I stood by her side and helped her, took her to the physicians she needed for her leg, cured her,
and she lost respect for me, because a beautiful girl usually thinks that all the people helping her are weak people, not attractive.

Her behaviours and her abuses got worst as time passed by, over the 7 years. In the first 6 months she was many times like a dream.

If in first 6 months the ratio was 90% good behaviour, 10% negavitivity, over time it arrived to 10% good behaviour, 90% negativity.

I don't know how many moments in my life I felt "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for"? Some times with her yes I felt some of these.

In general these sound like beautiful things that other people have, that happen to other people... .

[pearlsw]

With time, she saw that I stood by her side and helped her, took her to the physicians she needed for her leg, cured her,
and she lost respect for me, because a beautiful girl usually thinks that all the people helping her are weak people, not attractive.

Her behaviours and her abuses got worst as time passed by, over the 7 years. In the first 6 months she was many times like a dream.

If in first 6 months the ratio was 90% good behaviour, 10% negavitivity, over time it arrived to 10% good behaviour, 90% negativity.

I don't know how many moments in my life I felt "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for"? Some times with her yes I felt some of these.

In general these sound like beautiful things that other people have, that happen to other people... .

Hi again!

Hope you are feeling well today!

With all due respect, I am not sure about this part: "a beautiful girl usually thinks that all the people that help her are weak people, not attractive." A lot of societal weight is placed on our looks and women internalize that differently - how we might respond to that, or "use" that. Ya know? No doubt there are people who recognize they are seen as physically attractive and can use that to get things. Their approach to relationships may be purely transactional, exist on a superficial level without a deeper dive.

But would you also say that your fixation on her looks has led you down a path as well, to having less than what you might want? Is it possible there are attractive people who are nice and are not manipulative or abusive to their partners? Just something to consider.

I hear ya, I've been at this relationship stuff for many decades now and it can sometimes feel like others have things that I do not - peace of mind, support, understanding, etc. But it is on all of us, hard as it is, to try for more if we want more. Sometimes I never want to have a relationship ever again and just give up on this part of life. The older I get the less people may bug me about that.  But... .it is hard not to want a chance at more and we only get those chances by trying and taking risks.

You have a lot at risk here. It will take time and effort to work through all these issues, but a day could come when you could be ready for something more. We're here with you on the journey. There is no rush to heal. There is a lot to sort out here, but with time and effort you can some day get to a better place.

warmly, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

I don't know how many moments in my life I felt "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for"? Some times with her yes I felt some of these.

Hi childhoodgone, pearls is giving you some wonderful advice. She really saved me when I first got here. I was so lost!

A common theme I've come across in your thread is how your relationship relates to how other people in your life have shown (or not shown) you love. I can relate a lot to that and thought I might share some of my personal experience here.

My mother may have been BPD or something similar. She loved me very much and would do wonderful things for me. She would also scream at me for hours over unreasonable things. She would say things to hurt me on purpose. She was too caught up in her problems to see mine and would put the burden on me to save her. By the time I was grown up and started to feel my anger towards her she got cancer, so most of those feelings had to go back down inside. Then she died.

My wife (then girlfriend) was very sweet and loving to me at first, too. Then the abuse started. Physical and emotional. Growing up with my mother, I had been programmed to feel guilty, to always feel wrong and deserving of bad treatment. So deep down I felt my wife's treatment of me was right, or at least I normalized it. I figured this was just how some relationships were.

Since coming to bpdfamily I have learned that true and healthy relationships are not this way. In healthy relationships we still hurt each other, but it is not intentional. And we take responsibility for that hurt. In healthy relationships we are not afraid. We feel, as you so perfectly wrote it, "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for."

These are things that every human being is entitled to in this life. They are not bonuses or just for the few people luckiest to find it.

So I ask you a question (not rhetorical), right now, do you genuinely feel as though you deserve these things? Or does something inside tell you that you don't?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[childhoodgone]

My wife (then girlfriend) was very sweet and loving to me at first, too. Then the abuse started. Physical and emotional. Growing up with my mother, I had been programmed to feel guilty, to always feel wrong and deserving of bad treatment. So deep down I felt my wife's treatment of me was right, or at least I normalized it. I figured this was just how some relationships were.

Since coming to bpdfamily I have learned that true and healthy relationships are not this way. In healthy relationships we still hurt each other, but it is not intentional. And we take responsibility for that hurt. In healthy relationships we are not afraid. We feel, as you so perfectly wrote it, "safe, loved, understood, respected, cared for."

These are things that every human being is entitled to in this life. They are not bonuses or just for the few people luckiest to find it.

So I ask you a question (not rhetorical), right now, do you genuinely feel as though you deserve these things? Or does something inside tell you that you don't?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

Roland your post is so very insightful and kind towards me, I cannot say thank you enough.

Yes, you noticed that very right, often my gf did exactly what she thought will hurt me intentionally.

I rationalize this now as - "well, being BPD she has no empathy, and she punishes her partner for whatever imagined wrongs
she may have felt in a distant past from men"

and then I think: "is it better to be sometimes cared for and enjoy small cute moments together, and also support her through all the
negative crises?"

I solved her problems, I convinced her to turn off all the cutting herself from the past but she turned it into
agressivity towards me (the same as when her exbf took away her razors, to stop her from cutting herself,
she broke his head with his mobile phone)

I don't know the answer.

We talk about love and other beautiful emotions here, but will I ever be loved? Was I loved?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Childhoodgone-

I am deeply sorry you are suffering so much sadness and confusion.  I have not read your entire story, but I will.  I did however pick something up that struck at my heart.  You cite all of the horrible things she has said and done to you.  And then you wonder... .who will show you the “maternal” love... .bathe you, wash your hair, put you to bed and kiss you.

My friend, those are the things that “normal” , healthy lovers do together and for one another.  That is part of true intimacy.  If and when the day comes that you are no longer in this relationship, these are caring things YOU will bring to a new relationship, and your new loving woman will give to you.  It does NOT have to be sexual.  Intimacy is not always sexual.  But it can be... .there IS hope for the loving, caring, giving relationship you so deserve.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[childhoodgone]

Dear Childhoodgone-

I am deeply sorry you are suffering so much sadness and confusion.  I have not read your entire story, but I will.  I did however pick something up that struck at my heart.  You cite all of the horrible things she has said and done to you.  And then you wonder... .who will show you the “maternal” love... .bathe you, wash your hair, put you to bed and kiss you.

My friend, those are the things that “normal” , healthy lovers do together and for one another.  That is part of true intimacy.  If and when the day comes that you are no longer in this relationship, these are caring things YOU will bring to a new relationship, and your new loving woman will give to you.  It does NOT have to be sexual.  Intimacy is not always sexual.  But it can be... .there IS hope for the loving, caring, giving relationship you so deserve.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

What you wrote is amazing. I have had many (rather short) relationships in the past, but at whatever point I wished for something like this: a kind of maternal love
in which my girlfriend would bathe me, wash my hair, cover me in bed, kiss me, hug me, smile to me, be happy to be with me,
in most cases what hapenned is that many girls  saw this as weakness and "neediness" while there wasn't - it was just a longing for simple beautiful moments
that I didn't have for too many years.

[Gemsforeyes]

You know, CHG- there are a few different ways to look at this - I’ve never looked at showering and bubble baths with my husband or lovers as a “maternal” behavior.  I’ve seen it more as an expression of nurturing, caring, intimacy.  And yes, for sure the experiences can move into sexual intimacy.

Perhaps if you are expressing out loud a need for “maternal” affection those women with less developed emotions would be frightened by your needs.  I would consider people like that to be somewhat shallow.  However, perhaps it’s better and less “scary” if you leave the word “maternal” out of your conversation, and substitute “intimacy” or expressions of affection.

Perhaps it’s better to present the bubble bath experience as a time to soak in the tub together, be playful, sit across from one another, laugh together, speak quietly with a cup of tea or glass of wine, and wash one another’s hair.  A fun activity, yet very intimate.  I have been doing this since my 20’s and I am 60 now.  I have no plans to stop!  My exBPDbf had never taken a bubble bath before me.  Sometimes he would want one when it wasn’t time for me to have one, so I’d run the bath for him, he’d get in the tub and I’d go in and wash his hair.  He would do the same for me.

He would also come in and comb out my wet hair afterward.  In relationships, you just do simple sweet and nurturing things for one another.

I have found, in most relationships, that partners learn what you like by what you do for them.  If they DON’T respond, you learn pretty early and move on to someone who WANTS to show love and caring in the privacy of your home.  I did not receive much affection from my mother.  I must have tenderness and affection from my lover.  Sex is simply NOT enough.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

I'm bringing these questions of yours over from one of your other threads so people can focus their support of you here:

Compared to most people in the world who ignore me,
someone that hates me sometimes, insults me sometimes, is nice to me some rare times,
is someone that spends time with me

How will people become attached to me in the future?

You are brave to ask this question, I believe it's central to your experience.  Many of us have fallen into this trap.  You deserve to be treated with respect at all times.  You can achieve this in your life.

As men and women age, many men, thoughtful men such as you, develop a wisdom and compassion that is very attractive to women as they also gain experience.  You are already more attractive than you think.  And with a concerted effort to invest in and strengthen yourself, you'll be even more attractive.

What are your qualities that you currently have that you think might be attractive to a woman?

What life activities (work, service, hobbies, etc.) give you confidence and make you feel good about yourself?

WW

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear CHG-
In response to what Wentworth has brought over from your other thread, I do have a few thoughts.  And I want to try and not be selfish about my response, but I am certain what I will say to you, will probably help me... .I have been desperately sad and isolated lately.  And very confused.  Actually I’ve been isolated since moving here 6+ years ago.  Recent exuBPDbf kept me “occupied” for 4.5 years of that time.

I have left relationships for various reasons, but I have NEVER left a relationship for another man. 

Your question about “how will people become “attached” to you in the future?” IS a good and brave question.

My response has many components... .First, you’ll want to “attract” good women.
When YOU/I are emotionally available, that will show in how you carry yourself.  The same goes when we are emotionally UNAVAILABLE.  When we are sad, our body language is clear about that.  Our shoulders are down, our eyes are cast downward, we normally avoid eye contact - especially with people our own age.  We wear a neutral expression on our face and ignore everything around us except for the task at hand.  Without truly meaning to, We make ourselves unapproachable and INVISIBLE.  That, my friend, may be why you feel people ignore you.  I am speaking of myself HERE, too.

When we work our way OUT of the depression and sadness, our bodies reflect that in a huge way.  It’s shoulders high, eyes bright, a ready smile, talking to strangers in the grocery line and “willingness” to engage.  Other people “FEEL” that.  Women will FEEL those positive qualities and be attracted to that... .and that is a start.

Here is where I am, CHG.  I live in a place where I have no friends, and any hope I had of moving back home is gone.

It is NEVER too late to broaden your interests.  I started rowing when I was 37, and met wonderful friends through that sport.  You can volunteer at your local humane society and walk shelter dogs once a week or do other things that good-hearted people do.  Try things you’ve never thought you’d do.  My exBPDbf NEVER wanted to try things because he hated other people being around me.  He always found a way to cancel plans... .

Yep, if I can claw my way out of this sadness, I want to stand-up paddle board... .while I’m still able to move this old body!

So as WW asked, what gives you confidence?  What makes you feel good about yourself?

If you had the freedom to plan ALL your free time, what kinds of things would you like to try?

Please talk to us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[childhoodgone]

I am sorry you are going through the same isolation hell.

The fact that you wrote so much and so in detail means a lot to me.

I lost my job because of the Post traumatic severe depression  that I go through.

I am usually afraid and having post traumatic nightmares of an intensity hard to describe.

The problem is that I feel like my mind was damaged, I have the blank stare
that soldiers who were traumatized by war have, I don't have many passions or interests,
I seem to just walk in circles.

My rational mind tells me all these 7 years are finished and gone forever.

My emotions however they still crave for the weekly dose of weird agressive things my BPD gf used to do and say

Dear CHG-
In response to what Wentworth has brought over from your other thread, I do have a few thoughts.  And I want to try and not be selfish about my response, but I am certain what I will say to you, will probably help me... .I have been desperately sad and isolated lately.  And very confused.  Actually I’ve been isolated since moving here 6+ years ago.  Recent exuBPDbf kept me “occupied” for 4.5 years of that time.

Yep, if I can claw my way out of this sadness, I want to stand-up paddle board... .while I’m still able to move this old body!

So as WW asked, what gives you confidence?  What makes you feel good about yourself?

If you had the freedom to plan ALL your free time, what kinds of things would you like to try?

Please talk to us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear CHG-
I remember something my dad said to me when I was young and going through a very difficult time after a breakup from a beloved boyfriend.  My dad said “you don’t have to feel like this”.  I am hearing my dad’s words now, as I am struggling with PTSD, as it sounds like you may be.

CHG - you DON’T have to feel like this.

There are steps you can take to heal.  Yes, your mind may feel damaged.  But that damage does NOT have to be permanent!  Please know that.  You CAN get better.  But I want to tell you, CHG.  I could NOT take these steps while I was still IN my relationship with my BPD boyfriend.

The ONLY person we can control is ourselves.  I can only control and change and help me.  You can only control and change and help YOU.  Baby steps, my friend.

I am giving myself permission to come out of very dark days.  I am LISTENING to the wise and caring advice of the people here.  I am writing down the painful experiences that happened in my past, from my childhood, from my early adulthood, during the violent end of my long marriage and during my BPD relationship.  I don’t know how many years I have left... .but I DON’T WANT to feel like this.  BPDbf was not violent with me, but his words tore me to shreds.  I can still hear his screams.  I still wake up in screaming nightmares drenched in sweat.  But I have hope that those will go away.

CHG- one way to begin to come out in the light of day is to find some help.  It’s important to acknowledge that you have been physically abused.  Many men have been physically abused and Domestic Violence counseling would be so helpful to you.  It’s time to take a step, don’t you think?

Sometimes we just need a bit of help to get us back on our feet, to help lift our eyes up.  You can do this, my friend.

Please tell me your thoughts.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[childhoodgone]

Gemsforeyes thank you for your care and your kindness.

I will go tomorrow at counseling for domestic violence victims.

I don't have much hopes.

Not even my favourite food excites me
or my favourite songs don't sound very good now
while I have PTSD and depression.

Three weeks passed, when will things start to feel better?

Thank you

[livednlearned]

Another hope for you childhoodgone may be in EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), a form of therapy that many members here have had success with.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37825.0

EMDR is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach. 

First Phase The first phase is a history taking session during which the therapist develops a treatment plan. Patient and therapist identify possible targets for EMDR processing. These include recent distressing events, current situations that elicit emotional disturbance, related historical incidents, and the development of specific skills and behaviors that will be needed by the client in future situations.

Second Phase During the second phase of treatment, the therapist ensures that the patient has adequate methods of handling emotional distress and good coping skills, and that the client is in a relatively stable state. If further stabilization is required, or if additional skills are needed, therapy focuses on providing these.

Phase 3-6 In phase three through six, a target is identified and processed using EMDR procedures. These involve the patient identifying the most vivid visual image related to the memory (if available), a negative belief about self, related emotions and body sensations. The patient also identifies a preferred positive belief. The validity of the positive belief is rated, as is the intensity of the negative emotions.

The patient is then instructed to focus on the image, negative thought, and body sensations while simultaneously moving his/her eyes back and forth following the therapist's fingers as they move across his/her field of vision for 20-30 seconds or more (Athough eye movements are the most commonly used external stimulus, therapists often use auditory tones, tapping, or other types of tactile stimulation). The patient is instructed to just notice whatever happens. After this, the clinician instructs the client to let his/her mind go blank and to notice whatever thought, feeling, image, memory, or sensation comes to mind.

Depending upon the client's report the clinician will facilitate the next focus of attention. In most cases a patient-directed association process is encouraged. This is repeated numerous times throughout the session. I

If there are negative sensations, these are processed as above. If there are positive sensations, they are further enhanced.

Seventh Phase In phase seven, closure, the therapist asks the patient to keep a journal during the week to document any related material that may arise and reminds the client of the self-calming activities that were mastered in phase two.

Eighth Phase The next session begins with phase eight, re-evaluation of the previous work, and of progress since the previous session.

Result After EMDR processing, clients generally report that the emotional distress related to the memory has been eliminated, or greatly decreased, and that they have gained important cognitive insights. Importantly, these emotional and cognitive changes usually result in spontaneous behavioral and personal change, which are further enhanced with standard EMDR procedures.

www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm

Are you familiar with EMDR?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear CHG-

I am heartened to hear that you will go for DV counseling tomorrow.  You lift me up with this step.  While I understand that three weeks in this deep state of depression feels like a long time, you will begin to come out of it... .because you WANT to feel better and begin living again.

Last night some wonderful members/friends here gave me the hope I had not felt in a long time.  I slept without a screaming nightmare for the first time in months.  And that was at night.

For me, for my healing, to live a healthy life, I MUST stay away from BPDbf.  I cannot allow him to come back.  I see his actions with very clear vision and I cannot “fix” him or “save” him and he refuses to get help for himself.  He will destroy me if I allow him back into my life. 

My friend - you have to look at YOUR situation and think ONLY of yourself at this time.  And what it will take for you to heal your wounds and live by your values.

Livednlearned cited one method of successful therapy for PTSD and of course an experienced therapist would lead you through that.  I believe another may be CBT.

This will sound silly, but Late last night, right before going to bed, I looked online at pictures of dogs that were just adopted and going to their new “forever” homes.  Wow! The smiles on the dogs’ faces made me so happy.  Those were the pictures I had in my mind when I went to sleep.  Maybe you can try that... .

Please keep your appointment for tomorrow.  You are SO worth it.

Please keep in mind.  I think threads are limited to 6 pages, so you may need to start a new thread soon.

Please keep talking, my friend.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear CHG-

I wanted to check in with you.  How are you feeling?  Were  you able to go to the domestic violence center to begin counseling?

Please let us know how you’re doing when you have the chance.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

Both livednlearned and Gemsforeyes had important questions about you getting help for yourself.  Reaching out to professionals for support is going to be a vital part of your recovery.  Can you answer their questions?

WW