I need to examine myself, I need to look inside; Why have I picked Borderlines?

[rcg]

I'm stumbling around the internet looking for a little direction.   I need to examine myself, I need to look inside.  
My big question is:  Why have I picked Borderlines, abusers, and users ?  

[once removed]

hi rcg and

its a big question with both broad and uniquely personal answers. its a good one to ask.

are you currently in a relationship with someone with BPD? recently out of one?

[rcg]

Out of any and all relationships. 
My Ex was almost diagnosed BPD (She bolted from the councilor when it was brought up) 14 years ago.  That councilor turned me onto BPD Central and the Stop Walking on Eggshells book.  Both very helpful.  But I dropped out of social life for 7+ years to focus on raising our kids.  (someone had to be there).
Since then I've made poor choices in mates.  I'd score myself 0 for 3.  My kids are grown and out of the house.  And, I'm back to feeling the need to drop out again.  I've already effectively isolated myself.   I guess I feel the need to reflect on why... .
Any good ideas on where to look?

[once removed]

the Learning board (here) is a place where we focus on ourselves and learn lessons from our relationships. Detaching is a place for grieving those relationships.

were the two of you married? how long ago was the breakup?

i made a lot of poor choices too. exploring myself definitely helped me have a better understanding of why i gravitated to the types of relationships i did, and to begin to switch gears.

a good place to start might be to tell us what attracted you to each person. what was the draw? and how long did each relationship last?

[rcg]

Married to a probable BPD for 5 years, 3 kids.  Now all raised and seemingly successful adults.

7 year break

Short relationship, months only.  But started and ended so quickly I never knew what happened.  I guess I was trying to get back into life.  She and I had a lot of fun places to go, things to do.  Never fought or anything.  I'm not even sure why she left me.  (I was dumped on Facebook).
 
4 year break.

2-3 year relationship.  lived together for a year and a half. She probably isn't BPD, but definitely a user.  Never real intense. But, we seemed like we fit together.  I kicked her out for not helping with the rent, etc.  She immediately found someone else to support her.  I don't feel bad about how that ended.  Only that I let it start.

Almost immediately, I was into a whirlwind relationship.  Serious, intense. I couldn't try to diagnose her, but Risky, sexy, I felt like a million bucks!  Then the ups and downs began.  Never knew what I was doing wrong.  A year later I thought "Wow!  I'm walking on eggshells again!"  So I bailed after a year.  Unfortunately, not too gracefully.  I feel guilty about how it ended.  I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't hear it. 
Now it's been another year.  I'm not over it.  I want to be, but... .

[steelwork]

A few questions to help you start to sort through this.

1. Do you feel like you jump feet-first into new relationships when they happen? How long did each of these relationships take to be exclusive, for instance?

2. If you had to list five adjectives to describe your ideal relationship partner, what would they be?

[rcg]

Thanks for the challenging questions.

No, I don't think I jumped.  They all started as friendships, then grew. 
They were all exclusive, but I wasn't playing the field.  So, there wasn't any competition (so to say)

As for relationships: Trustworthy.  Kind.  Mutually Supportive.  Friendship.  Loyal.

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk about you... .can only tell you about me... .then u can connect your own dots I suppose.  Take what ya like... .leave what ya don’t... .

Personally... .my self worth has been low.  Hanging around persons who appear to provide awesome mirroring into what I want, love and need... .can feel exhilarating. 

I have since learned to be suspicious of folks wanting to provide me “self esteem.”

I am also suspicious of folks who seem to need to put me on a pedastle more than I need to be there.

It usually means that they are tying their own self worth feelings... .into having an affect onto me.

Eventually... .I will not sustain behavior to keep me on that pedastle... .as I am not “all white.”  ... .we can feed off each other like symbiotic beings for a while... .eventually... .such dynamic will crumble.

Let me know if anything sounds familiar... .or probe if ya like... .otherwise... .gonna stop there.

We all have to make our own conclusions tho if they are to mean anything to us.

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh... .last thought... .
Can you figure out what in your relationships feels familiar to your family of origin relationships?

Any patterns there?
Is it completelg opposite or did the women feel... .familiar?  Or something different?

[CryWolf]

Hey buddy,

Its not your fault. I dated a few questionable girls after my BPD rs. I also questioned why this kept happening to me, and I had to look deeper within.

Are you seeing a therapist by any chance?
I discussed this with mine, and I also think sunflower mentioned a good point with it has to do with Family of origin. FOO.

My father left when I was 5, and my grandma had some type of BPD or traits. These dynamics made me look for emotionally unavailable rs with people in hopes maybe they could stay and give me the love I didnt receive from my foo. we typically get in relationships with people who remind us of our caretakers subconciously to fix a trauma that we encountered at a young age.

what do you think?

[tin]

I do feel like he 'choose' me. He pursued me and I was so enthusiastic about me and being with me that I slowly allowed him into my life. I think it was my loneliness, neediness, and insecurities that allowed him in, and let him remain even with my qualms and his red flags. Why would he be so intense about being with me if I showed so much hesitation about him? Why would I stay with him for so long if I had so much hesitation? He kept promising to change, making commitments and pledges about all the things he would get under control and do differently. And I got enmeshed. I think I liked that he was outgoing where I am more reserved/introverted. I like that he was dramatic where I am more calm. I thought it might be useful that he was intense about making sure we talked about things when I have a tendency to avoid conflict. He saw me as innocent and in need of protection and himself as someone who would provide that and the insecure, self doubting part of me allowed for that. I think I also felt like I wanted that 'fairy tale' romance where he was romantic, and would do these grand gestures of romance, that he would be so fascinated about talking with me, and so eager to spend time with me. I think there was a part of me that felt like it was 'too much' but I thought perhaps that was a good sign? That it was worth a shot? That I just needed time to adjust to being with this intense of a person? And when he became more of a Jekyll and Hyde, that he was 'normal' and I was too repressed in my own emotions (and indeed I became more and more repressed!). At the end of the day it was my neediness, lack of self worth, and lack of self esteem that drew him to me and made him latch onto me. And that drove me to allow his behavior. Sadly the relationship only magnified those traits and my childhood was formulative in generating them. So it's time to start over and start from scratch. I wish I knew then what I know now. The checklist of signs of emotional abuse. And the steps of what to do when you want to leave! The skills for safety planning! I wish I had been more honest with others about our 'relationship' problems and listened to others when they raise concerns about him. I listened but I didn't act. And when I tried to leave I always got derailed. I was too empathetic and compassionate towards him, even when it hurt me. I was too self sacrificing. and was, and still am too much of a people pleaser! Driven by my loneliness, fear of not being accepting/belonging, fear of my own self worth. Guilt and shame about my imperfections- physical, mental, and emotional. Self love, self acceptance, and self confidence are at the root of why I allowed the relationship into my life- and what it will take for me to get rolling again in a positive direction. Best of luck.

[Insom]

Hi, rcg!  Welcome.   

You've gotten some great feedback and questions today and yesterday.  How are you feeling today?

[rcg]

Thank you everyone.  I appreciate the questions and the voices of experience.

My adult life has been nothing like my family of origin.  Maybe I was trying to replicate the FOO life with people who would never be.  That is a new line of thought I will have to explore. 

[Insom]

My adult life has been nothing like my family of origin.

How is it different?

[ILuvABorderline]

Maybe you aren't picking them... .maybe at times, they are picking you. Just a thought. I think one of the reasons my second husband was drawn to me is the fact that I can be very unintentionally  "motherly." I tend to become somewhat of a "Mother" to anyone that falls in around me that needs one. We have even had some direct conversations about this. My natural tendencies have, overtime, become very enabling to him. He had a difficult childhood, filled with parental issues and his mother was more of the 'beat your ass' kind than the loving kind. Maybe you exhibit some qualities of a father or strong, safe man, that draw women to you that never had that. Like Sunflower said, you get put on a pedestal only to fall off because no one can maintain that kind of expectation.

On another note, I'm a kind of if-I-can-just-love-them-enough-I-can-make-it-all-better kind of gal. I'm a sucker for a sob story and will take in stray people as easily as a cute cat. I've been taken advantage of more than once because of this. I am a "fixer.' I want to "make it better." I want to "make them happy in a way they've never known." I'm a caretaker, fight for the underdog, hope for the best, believe people can and will change, type of person.

I really think that I chose my second husband because a part of me saw a deficit in him that I thought I could fill and maintain. I put myself and my abilities on a pedestal in a way. I certainly loved the man. Looking back I can see that some of what I loved so much came directly from his having BPD. I felt adored, like his world revolved around me, that I was worth so much to him. I'd never had a man treat me in the wonderful way my husband did before we were married. There was so much to love about him. I mistakenly tied to much about how I felt about myself to how he felt/feels about me.

I'm not sure you can identify with any of this. Just my two cents.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Hello rcg!

According to what I have found, people with BPD find two very special kind of people attractive. Those types are narcissists and empaths/caretakers. I am not talking about mystified version of empaths, just people who are warm and caring. I have no reason to believe that you are a narcissist, so I suppose it is your warm and kind heart that attracts them. If you have strong codependent traits, you are even better target.  And beware, narcissists look for those same qualities. The thing is that people who have cluster-b personality disorder are very good at picking partners who give them what they need. Yes, they pick their targets. They pursue them.

I realized that I have fallen in this same trap more than once, and I was asking myself the very same questions you are asking now. What I am doing is learning to set healthy boundaries and strengthen my self confidence. I am training hard in the gym to have strong muscles as a "body armor". These people do not like people who are strong and who have healthy boundaries. They instinctively know that those people will not get them what they want and then leave them alone. You could get some benefit from reading books about empaths and emotional/energy vampires. You do not have to believe in supernatural stuff, but for me it gave a very clear idea what these people are looking for and why they think I might be a right person for them. One more thing. I am not saying borderlines are bad people. From my experience I can say that they are not type of people I want to be involved with. I know my weaknesses and I know that I end up hurting myself, so I want to do everything I can to become "invisible" for them.

[steelwork]

Trustworthy.  Kind.  Mutually Supportive.  Friendship.  Loyal.

Those are all very, ah, elevated qualities. Are they also what attracts you to a person? I guess, what is the difference btw what you seek and what you're attracted to? (Something I could ask myself.)

The truth is that, several years out, I can see that my ex did not match the mental image I have of a good partner. But he was exciting, and physically attractive, and he was very very into me, and that probably tipped me over, despite the fact that he didn't really share some important values. I mean, he did have lots of things I care about, such as intelligence and humor and a generally accepting nature, but he didn't really "get" me. I see that now.

[Harley Quinn]

rcg, can you remember the first time in your life that you were abused or had your trust betrayed in some way?  What age were you?  I ask because in my case, whilst I thought that my FOO was normal and there was no 'abuse' as such, there were things amiss as it turns out and the more I explore this I find that there were some very lasting effects on me through the core beliefs that were formed.  Without going into my story too much, as this is about you, I was then sexually assaulted at 16 by a stranger.  I think that a combination of that and the parts of my formative years which affected my self worth so badly caused me to form a pattern of entering into abusive relationships.  

Have you read anything about repetition compulsion?  It's where we continually repeat past traumatic relationships in a bid to 'get it right this time'.  I thought I'd share about this as it seems to ring true for myself and whilst this may not be something that applies to you, I also find it a comfort to be able to rule things out as I continue my own journey of self discovery.  It could be a r/s outside of your FOO, if you were fairly young when you experienced behaviour that left you feeling a certain way.  You're not alone in wanting to understand this and the fact that you're looking at this is a strong indicator that you can change things for the better.  

Love and light x    

[MeandThee29]

Are you seeing a therapist by any chance?
I discussed this with mine, and I also think sunflower mentioned a good point with it has to do with Family of origin. FOO.

My father left when I was 5, and my grandma had some type of BPD or traits. These dynamics made me look for emotionally unavailable rs with people in hopes maybe they could stay and give me the love I didnt receive from my foo. we typically get in relationships with people who remind us of our caretakers subconciously to fix a trauma that we encountered at a young age.
 

I thought I was "over" my NPD mother when we got married. It's interesting to look back now because a mutual friend that had known him longer than I had commented at the time that if we ever had marriage problems, it would be because he was so rigid. I laughed it off, but decades later, a therapist commented that rigidity is one characteristic of BPD, among others.

So yes,  deal with the family of origin issues. I thought that I had, but I had to go deeper with them. The counsellor I saw in the fall kept probing that issue, and I kept telling her that she didn't need to do that. I was wrong. It finally all unfolded around Christmas. I looked at it as a real gift for the New Year.

I still have lots and lots to work through though, believe me.

[Forearmed]

rcg - For some it's not even majorly deep (and you admit two out of four etc. might not even be on the BPD spectrum).

IMO, a worrying number of women are displaying signs of BPD entitlement (at the very least) before we even get into full -blown behaviours. Many of today's women are simply attracted to nice things (nice -looking guy / good lifestyle / has money / check whether he is a 'nice guy' blah blah... .; ) The only real initial BPD clue is a crazy level of flattery that would make any normally -adjusted guy uncomfortable. Other than that, you can't blame yourself for someone being keen/ enthusiastic about you - but you could do so if the reality is you move far too quickly with relationships?