Pt.3 that empty feeling in my stomach

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey there everyone,

This is my third thread on these forums hence the name and I've found alot of help here as well as some comradery and mateship through the process so thankyou all for that. Truth is I'm not 100% sure what I want to write today but I know I need to write something. For my own benefit if nothing else. Those of you who may have been following my story know how far I've come since the start of the year, what I've been through and what I've learnt or skills I've developed along the way. So much happens so regularly it is hard to keep track of it all even just for myself let alone retelling it. Truth be told for everything I've learn I'm sure there is 10x more still to be learnt.

Recently my undiagnosed ex returned to give things another shot, main I think because she had accumulated debt and was tired of working all the time and not being able to make ends meet. She didn't say she loved me or missed me. Infact getting back together seemed like it was more about her than it was having anything to do with me. Things were seemingly back to the good side of normal although I made sure to keep things slow. However shortly after she had made no attempt to change her schedule to make more time for the kids or I and kept taking time to herself. Which could be for any number of reasons really, some I'd rather not think about. My attempts to get her to adjust her schedule so she has move time for us and isn't so exhausted all of the time just lead to me being attacked for trying to control her, for not supporting her, to drag her bad parenting or poor love for our children into the conversation (which I have never done btw). When I respond by saying I haven't said anything about parenting I'm then accused because I'm about to bring it up. The only time I've said anything about our family is saying that we need her. As a plea not as a threat or blackmail. She's selfish and self-centred and will admit she is without a moments hesitation. She believes I'm responsible for making her happy within the relationship because she has always been so unhappy with me. Today it became clear that the reason she can't remain single is financial and although she's had a nice time with me I haven't been living up to her demands. This came off the back of me trying to discuss my needs in our relationship and trying to get her to take some ownership for what is going on between us. Then a bust that she's sick of us already, she's more stressed than ever and she can do it on her own. Alot of these attacks I can defuse, deflect and not take deeply personally but they do still leave a burn and an empty here we go again pain in the gut. My trust for her is extremely low to non existent at this stage and it doesn't seem like she's prepared to do anything about it. Every time I try to have any kind of substance or depth regarding what has happened, what is happening and what we could improve going forward she checks out of the conversation all together after becoming verbally hurtful and abusive / shaming me for my stance.

To best describe it would be feel like the lowest possible priority on someone's list while having them expect to be at the top of yours. Like arguing with an infant child over cutting their sandwich into squares or triangles. Like enduring another round of torture even though you're well aware of the outcome. Like I'm the only one that can see what it is I'm dealing with. Empty, hollow, used, foolish, unimportant, disrespected, worthless, meaningless, powerless, hopeless and a failure.

I'm not sure how this will read but hopefully it's an openly for some more supportive and constructive dialogue to follow.

Cheers All

[sladezy]

Hey there everyone,

This is my third thread on these forums hence the name and I've found alot of help here as well as some comradery and mateship through the process so thankyou all for that. Truth is I'm not 100% sure what I want to write today but I know I need to write something. For my own benefit if nothing else. Those of you who may have been following my story know how far I've come since the start of the year, what I've been through and what I've learnt or skills I've developed along the way. So much happens so regularly it is hard to keep track of it all even just for myself let alone retelling it. Truth be told for everything I've learn I'm sure there is 10x more still to be learnt.

Recently my undiagnosed ex returned to give things another shot, main I think because she had accumulated debt and was tired of working all the time and not being able to make ends meet. She didn't say she loved me or missed me. Infact getting back together seemed like it was more about her than it was having anything to do with me. Things were seemingly back to the good side of normal although I made sure to keep things slow. However shortly after she had made no attempt to change her schedule to make more time for the kids or I and kept taking time to herself. Which could be for any number of reasons really, some I'd rather not think about. My attempts to get her to adjust her schedule so she has move time for us and isn't so exhausted all of the time just lead to me being attacked for trying to control her, for not supporting her, to drag her bad parenting or poor love for our children into the conversation (which I have never done btw). When I respond by saying I haven't said anything about parenting I'm then accused because I'm about to bring it up. The only time I've said anything about our family is saying that we need her. As a plea not as a threat or blackmail. She's selfish and self-centred and will admit she is without a moments hesitation. She believes I'm responsible for making her happy within the relationship because she has always been so unhappy with me. Today it became clear that the reason she can't remain single is financial and although she's had a nice time with me I haven't been living up to her demands. This came off the back of me trying to discuss my needs in our relationship and trying to get her to take some ownership for what is going on between us. Then a bust that she's sick of us already, she's more stressed than ever and she can do it on her own. Alot of these attacks I can defuse, deflect and not take deeply personally but they do still leave a burn and an empty here we go again pain in the gut. My trust for her is extremely low to non existent at this stage and it doesn't seem like she's prepared to do anything about it. Every time I try to have any kind of substance or depth regarding what has happened, what is happening and what we could improve going forward she checks out of the conversation all together after becoming verbally hurtful and abusive / shaming me for my stance.

To best describe it would be feel like the lowest possible priority on someone's list while having them expect to be at the top of yours. Like arguing with an infant child over cutting their sandwich into squares or triangles. Like enduring another round of torture even though you're well aware of the outcome. Like I'm the only one that can see what it is I'm dealing with. Empty, hollow, used, foolish, unimportant, disrespected, worthless, meaningless, powerless, hopeless and a failure.

I'm not sure how this will read but hopefully it's an openly for some more supportive and constructive dialogue to follow.

Cheers All

[pearlsw]

Hi sladezy,

So, wanted to ask, when your ex came back was there any kind of status update on what the nature of the relationship would be at this time or she just sorta plopped down and there she was again?

Do you have any say over her being there or not? Do you own a home together?

Why doesn't she make an effort with the kids?

with compassion, pearl.

[sladezy]

Hi Pearl,

She come back after landing in debt saying she could no longer live the way she had been living and couldn't keep working / studying / doing her hobby anymore because it was too much and she was not making ends meet from the start. I gave a list of what I would expect to see change in order to move forward and work our way back together and to reduce the chaos in order for me to even be involved in the situation. As the situation she found her self in way hers and not mine at that stage because I'd basically been shut out. She had said we can make it work, however I was sure to keep things moving slowly. As it came time to address my issues and changes each one was met with resistance to change, things like reducing her work load in either study or hobbies in order to create some normality and balance to our family life but any attempt to discuss the issues were rebelled against or dismissed. Which was really frustrating as all that really happened in this time was I took on more of the load with the children so she could complete hobbies she had commited to and she had no time for me or family time.

We are not living together at this stage but would spend a couple of nights there through the week. She doesn't make an effort with the children because she is over commited in other areas she deems more important I suppose. Which is a stretch on me, my family and her family having to rely on regular baby sitting options. I really just want a fair and equal arrangement. I don't want her to stop doing anything she loves doing however prioritising what is important and not doing everything at once needs to happen. She thinks I'm trying to control her when I'm just trying to stabilise the ship and give the kids what they need. If I ever mention the kids needs I'm attacking her parenting and by asking her to do less I'm not supporting her. It's never ending.

[Radcliff]

Hello sladezy, glad to see you with a new thread, but sorry you're having a rough time.

The situation sounds frustrating.  I know all you want is what's best for your family, especially the kids.  As you look at the situation, what aspects of it can you control, and what aspects of it are out of your control?

WW

[sladezy]

She's just formally told me that she is sorry and she only tried to get back together for financial reasons as it was the easiest option. I think she just used me to get through a period where she needed extra help with the kids during her time with them and as soon as it came time to make any changes of her own she stamped her feet and walked away again. I might just be angry right now but I feel the need to no longer continue tlmy relationship with her daughter and only continue the relationship with my own and move on with my life. It will hurt like hell for both myself and her daughter however the extra burden on me and the benefit to gives to me ex is something I'm no longer comfortable with.

[Radcliff]

Somehow I missed the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship.  How old is she?  Was she part of the family when your kids were born?  Is she close to them?  Has she been living with your wife since she moved out?

WW

[sladezy]

Wentworth,

He is 4 in a couple of months. I've been in her life since she was about 9 months. Her biological Father isn't in the picture at all. I am her only father. Since the split she's been mostly in my care with our daughter. I've gone and told her I'm ending my relationship with the child if my ex continues to act this way and as painful as it is I mean it. If things play out this way I have no choice. I told her, her decisions effect more than just her and maybe she might make a decision based on somebody else's needs instead of my own. That I will not be treated this way any longer one way or another. The ball is in her court but I don't have very high hopes for a sensible decision to be made. I realize how counter productive my behaviour towards this is and how potentially damaging it is to myself and my family but I am not responsible for carrying the burden of or raising a child and allowing my ex the ability to have as much freedom as she likes n do what she likes while I carry the load. I will move on with me life and focus on myself instead of being a baby sitter.

[pearlsw]

Hi sladezy,

I am sorry, I'm a bit new to your story! Still grasping the details here... .

Are you saying you will cut off or pull back on your relationship with her young child? Is this child under your roof or living separately?

take care, pearl.

[sladezy]

Hi pearl,

Up until now both daughters had been sharing the same parenting schedule 4 night with me 3 with her (though she barely has them when it's her time).

She's arranged alternative care arrangements with her daughter to stay with her mother when she needs to now. Meaning she has not / can not make a decision based on anyone but herself. I'm going to have to come to terms with that and let her face the fallout. I need to look after myself and my daughter now and move on with my life, I dont see any part of her capable of positive change and I've simple been used to much to trust her again.

[Radcliff]

I've been in her life since she was about 9 months. Her biological Father isn't in the picture at all. I am her only father. Since the split she's been mostly in my care with our daughter. I've gone and told her I'm ending my relationship with the child if my ex continues to act this way and as painful as it is I mean it. If things play out this way I have no choice. I told her, her decisions effect more than just her and maybe she might make a decision based on somebody else's needs instead of my own. That I will not be treated this way any longer one way or another. The ball is in her court but I don't have very high hopes for a sensible decision to be made. I realize how counter productive my behaviour towards this is and how potentially damaging it is to myself and my family but I am not responsible for carrying the burden of or raising a child and allowing my ex the ability to have as much freedom as she likes n do what she likes while I carry the load. I will move on with me life and focus on myself instead of being a baby sitter.

Is it fair to say that you are trying to "send a message" to your wife?

If we put both children first in this, what care arrangement do you think would be the best for them?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi sladezy,

I do not presume to know what is right for you or your life, but in terms of this 4 year old stepchild, and your own biological child, let me say this. This 4 year old has no idea you are her “stepdad”. You are just dad. If you reject her suddenly she will be damaged, in ways that could possibly follow her for a lifetime.

Angry as you are, and I get that, your ex is not helping and you are taking on an extra “burden” in life if this is not what you want to do right now, participating in caretaking for this child, but please, don’t act out of anger.

Stop. Think carefully. If this is about punishing her, your partner, or getting her to “wise up”, think again.

If you can only do it on behalf of your other child… Presumably the children have the same mom, right? Then please consider not cutting off the 4 year old as a way to at least provide love and companionship and a healthy sibling relationship to your biological child.

I know. It sucks. Sometimes the people we share kids with are lousy at parenting, and not just lousy sometimes, but completely selfish and damaging. If you can find any compassion in your heart, place yourself in that kid’s shoes and do all you can until this can be peacefully and amicably resolved - if at all possible.

What is the best possible outcome you can imagine with your ex and these co-parenting issues? It sounds like you do want to be involved with her and not broken up. Is that correct? If so, pressuring her via the kids would not be a good strategy.

with compassion, pearl.  

[Panda39]

Hi sladezy,

I wanted to pop in and acknowledge how hard it is to be the only person parenting the kids.  Both my SO and I are in this situation with our children.

I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years who frankly was never a father to his son.  I would describe myself as a single parent my son's whole life. (Not to mention it felt like I was "parent" his father as well  ) My son is now a young adult and has minimal contact with his dad (his choice).  It has been really rough at times having no support but my son needed me to show up for him and I believe I have.  He is working and putting himself through college and is a great kid... .in spite of the dysfunction he was exposed to.

I have also shown up for my SO's daughters one of which is no longer in contact with her mother and the other who is low contact and still trying with her mom.  I don't try to replace their mom, just try to be a female adult in their life that they can turn to if they choose. (they are older than your two kids)

I want to encourage you to be their for your step-daughter, you are her father just as you are for your biological child... .she knows no other dad.  She is counting on you to show up for her just as your biological child is.  Don't punish this innocent little girl because you are resentful of her mother's lack of parenting.  You make a difference in both children's lives and your presence is "normalcy", is "stability", is "consistency", is 'generosity"... .is super important to the development of both children.

In other words don't throw the baby (step-daughter) out with the bathwater (your anger at your wife). 

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Turkish]

I need to look after myself and my daughter now and move on with my life, I dont see any part of her capable of positive change and I've simple been used to much to trust her again.

You feel betrayed,  yes? Hurt? Angry, certainly.

She didn't say she loved me or missed me. Infact getting back together seemed like it was more about her than it was having anything to do with me

This is exactly how I read my own situation. It wasn't about me,  but her.  What would I get out of it other than parenting a 35 year old? (Again)

After 4 years gone (a year ago),  my ex asked to move back in. "Can I please come back? I can't stand to be without my kids no more (sic)?"

It was tempting;  partly for financial reasons, and partly due to the fact that nothing would have made our kids happier. I did also kind of miss her... .or maybe more correctly,  the idea of her.  The fact that she was still married,  but separated, from the guy she left me for was another story and bridge to cross  

I don't,  however,  have the situation you are in as the kids are both biologically related to me,  and there is a custody order in place.  I did deal with her self absorption at the time and I had the kids more than 50% the first two years.  

I imagine it would be very difficult to split the family at this point (of course she already has be her self-absorption and neglect of both her daughters and also you).

Would you be prepared to move forward legally to secure custody of your bio daughter? Would you be open to keeping contact with her daughter assuming you shared custody?

Turkish

[sladezy]

Wentworth,

No I'm not sending a message but the one she is receiving is that I don't deserve a relationship with her daughter if the way she is acting is enough to make me throw it away. (again making it my fault and not hers). If things were in both the kids best interests than I would say yes it is best to keep them together. This does not mean I am capable of doing so for the long term along and work full time. I just don't have that kind of energy to sustain forever while she takes no responsibility and lives a care free life. If things are this way for a little while maybe her family with step and and see what I have to deal with exclusively maybe they won't. I can't raise a child with her where I have no say in her upbringing and don't get heard even with my own child. The stress that will bring on me almost consistently is too much. This way I don't need to have deciding conversations with the mother and I can't be damaged by the effects her decisions have.

Pearl,

I'm have no motive to get back with my ex anymore and this is part of my moving away from that. I've grown tired of living up to my end of the bargain. Its about protecting myself and moving my ex as far out of my life as possible. However I did give me ex the ultimatum of not treating me poorly or not dropping her daughter off to me, which she then did without another word about it. Its her impulse to be in control that drives her. If however she had no other option of a baby sitter, I am certain she would have opted to assess her behavior towards me. 

Panda,

I don't understand why everyone here and in my home life is placing this much responsibility on me. My parents are quilting and shaming me, her parents have spoken about me out of turn on social media. My EX has guilt me and tried to see if I will change my mind without her changing the way she treats me. No it is not this innocent little girls fault and no I don't feel all the great about the position she has been put in but when her own mother doesn't care enough to make decisions for her best interests yet holds all the control how can I be accountable ? how is requesting to be treated with some common decency too much to ask for the love and care of ones daughter ? In the past two weeks I've actually been happier and have more energy because my ex doesn't have me in a sleeper hold, I'm not worn down by a full time job and caring for two full on children. Being able to bond with my daughter alone has been amazing for me and I hope for her too. I agree this is not fair on her daughter but it isn't fair on me and I'm at my breaking point. I've burnt the candle at both ends for too long.

Turkish,

I would be prepared to move forward with legal custody If I knew how  / thought I could prove any of what is happening. My ex has her way of innocently doing all these neglectful things and then spinning them around into onto me. I did this, I did that. She has seen a councilor and I've met with her Councillor about my concerns regarding my ex but the Councillor doesn't see what I see as she is only presented with what she shows the them. I don't know what it would be other than a long drawn out, expensive argument I will never win. For yourself and others who may not have seen part 1 and 2 of this thread my ex is not diagnosed with BPD and is certain she has no mental issues despite her disrupted upbringing and her sister how suffered the same events being diagnosed.

All,

I know that most / all feel like I have the power to avoid the detriment of a young child in this situation by being her father. I know a few or a lot here on this site have been in or are in similar situations. I've been pushed to my limit and found peace over and over and over again and now I reached my limit. The only peace I can find now is in moving forward from this toxic merry-go-round. Protecting and sheltering myself as best I can and raising my daughter the best I can. I can't battle depression, fatigue, 2 small children and a full time job + study with one hand tied behind my back and a lunatic whirlwind of bull___ who thinks the universe revolves around her. I am hurt that it has come to this. I am hurt that I do know better but in the end I don't see another option. The choice was given by me yes but taken by her mother. I have been hurt to the depths of my soul and I can't keep doing it. Will she change her mind and want me back in her daughters life ? Most definitely as soon as my ex needs it that way. I can't do it anymore.   

 

[Radcliff]

You are at your limit.  It's a horrendously difficult situation you are in, compounded by the fact that others don't recognize her disorder and much of your suffering is hidden and not understood.  That totally sucks, pardon my French.  I'm sorry you have to bear that burden.

If I'm reading correctly, you gave your wife a choice between treating you right or taking her child back.  The outcome of that was predictable.

I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying the one-on-one time with your daughter.  That time can be really special, and as a single parent with two kids, would be difficult to come by, I understand.

If things were in both the kids best interests than I would say yes it is best to keep them together.

What if we just look at your daughter's best interest?  Would she benefit from being with her sister?

You are the expert in your situation.  Only you know all the burdens you're feeling, what your limits are, etc.  None of us can tell you what to do.  Without claiming it's an answer, let me offer something that I'm in a position to offer -- a view of the road ahead as the girls grow.  My daughters are 13, 17, and 19.  The 4 year old is about to start school.  In just couple of years, both girls will be in school.  The physically exhausting workload of fathering toddlers will wane and you'll have school-age kids.  Think about your time as a dad with a 5 and 7 year old, a 6 and 8 year old, a 7 and 9 year old.  What feels like a burden now will become a blessing.  That one-on-one dynamic that feels like a refreshing change now can have its difficulties in large doses (I'm currently living alone with my 13 year-old).  Two school-age daughters who have their own time together can actually be less work for a Dad, and have richer lives together. 

Fully parenting both kids is not something that can be expected of you.  Certainly laying a guilt trip on you is not going to make it feel like the thing to do.  But, as an older dad thinking solely of your satisfaction with life over time, I think you'd be richly rewarded and glad to have kept your parenting role with both girls and to have kept them together.

Perhaps one way to approach this is to avoid black-and-white thinking.  Not refusing to care for the 4 year old at all, yet not signing up for now to have her all the time.  Have her part of the time, but also have some alone time with your daughter.  Research shows that kids do better with flexible, rather than rigid, parenting plans.  Perhaps her family can pitch in.  If you go to the families and explain that you want the best for the kids, but need help, you might be surprised at the support you get.

WW

[sladezy]

Got abused by my family again last night for what is going on. Pretty much the all round bad guy now but my family aren't willing to hear my side. Haven't had any contact with my ex. I wanted to contact her today to ask if she was comfortable teach our children what her mother taught her because I was curious since I'd heard her talk ill of her mother's behaviour before.

Really struggling for any motivation at the moment.

[Panda39]

Hi sladezy,

I'm sorry you're feeling picked on from all sides.  I didn't mean to do that in my post only to give you a different perspective.  I truly do understand how hard it can be to do all... .and I mean all of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting. It is hard, but it can also be very rewarding.

So what happened last night with your family?  I also wondered if you were seeing a Therapist at all?  My SO saw one during the worst part of his divorce and found it really helpful to talk with someone outside of the situation, who could give objective support, share coping tools and strategies for specific situations that he had going on at the time.

Can you talk with your family about what you need from them?  That you need support from them not to feel beat up by them.  Do your family members know about BPD at all, is anyone interested in reading about it maybe?  It can be hard for people outside of the situation to really see what's going on, and when they have no experience with mental illness they approach things like they are dealing with an emotionally healthy rational person when in fact they're not.

Haven't had any contact with my ex. I wanted to contact her today to ask if she was comfortable teach our children what her mother taught her because I was curious since I'd heard her talk ill of her mother's behaviour before.

I feel your anger and frustration here, doing this might feel good in the short run, but in the long run all you are doing is escalating the drama which will likely cause more problems for you in the long run.  By not engaging in the drama, by not taking the bait, by not JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) you can actually de-escalate things. By de-escalating things you give yourself some breathing room. Are you able to just take a break from the conflict... .give yourself some time away to rest, to focus on something else, to take care of you?  Maybe set a boundary of some kind... .maybe just don't talk about the relationship with your ex or your family for a few days.

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Hang in there,
Panda39

[sladezy]

More abuse from my father tonight. He started a conversation with me claiming he wanted to try to understand where I was coming from. After about 2 minutes it was pretty clear it wasn't an open discussion. It was basically back me into a corner until he had a way to attack me. I moved here to seek refuge from the abuse of my relationship and I wind up on the receiving end of more. I understand he doesn't agree or see why things have come to this. I understand he is hurting. I am hurting too and this extra pressure  / abuse is not helping a damn thing. Really sick of things just getting worse n worse for me. Feeling it build up to some big changes in my life.

[pearlsw]

Hi sladezy,

I am sorry you are feeling pressure from all sides. That sounds like a very difficult position to be in.

In what way is your father pressuring you may I ask?

How are you feeling about your situation? Are there any updates? Are you helping with both children now? Or just your biological child?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[sladezy]

Hi Pearl,

It's coming in the form of emotional / verbal abuse. It basically seems like they are going to continue their relationship with this child and are pressuring me to do the same. Which is very awkward since we currently live in the same house as each other.

I have the urge to contact my EX again. I haven't heard anything from her in 3 weeks now I think. I probably don't expect to hear from her until after she has finished the play she is currently performing in because that's what she is determined to do. I want to ask this time if she thinks she is pushing me away so she doesn't have to take responsibility for what is happening. It's probably a waste of time.

I feel like where I am at right now is I'd still love to have my family together but I feel like it is no longer possible. I feel like my EX will not ever make a positive step in that direction and even if she does I don't think I can trust again now.

[sladezy]

Further to that I have been painted as the all round bad guy and everyone is on board so she would be loving all the extra support everyone is giving her.

[Panda39]

Hi sladezy,

I'm hearing some depression sneaking in here, are you able to see a Therapist at all? (if you're not already)  I think it would be something good you could do for yourself... .get some extra support, and advice from someone who is outside the situation... .someone you see in person.

Is there somewhere else you could stay for awhile... .take a break from the drama and the pressures?  I feel this all bearing down on you.  If you must stay where you are, are there some things that you enjoy doing that you could do that might offer you some relief?

I find some sort of exercise helpful... .peace and quiet to think on a walk, get those endorphins going on a hike, go for a bike ride?  Or maybe a couple hours of escapism at the movies.  Or maybe you are good with your hands and creative... .maybe work on a project.

Take care of you 
Panda39

[sladezy]

Hi Panda,

I've battled on n off with anxiety and depression for over a decade so I'm not surprised you can pick that up. I am seeing a psychologist semi regularly but havent been for 2 months or so as before this bull___ things were going smoothly.

I tried to talk with my ex today regarding what I want for our family, asking questions to see what she wanted, why she felt the way she felt etc. She didn't answer a single question I asked avoided everything I said and then called me delusional and a list of other things with a list of assumptions that were completely unrelated to what I was trying to discuss. At one point while talking about the children she checked out by saying stop messaging me, only talk to me about the children. I also asked about sd and if she was concerned that Her daughter hadn't seen me. She simply told me that I asked not to be considered her father anymore and not to put that on her. I got heated after that and she deserved everything I gave her. Truth needs to be said sometimes.

Skip over to the night time and I had a massive fight with my father tonight about the situation. When I tried to explain what I am dealing with with her he was dismissive and even saying at one point, I'm the one who has a diagnosis (anxiety and depression)  not her and also implied that I am responsible for screwing up the kids lives. I am seriously considering moving in with a friend until I can find a place of my own.

[Panda39]

Can you manage a few therapy appointments (I know it can get expensive sometimes) at least in the short term?  It might help you feel less overwhelmed and better able to cope with what is going on.

And at the same time if you can stay with a friend even for a couple of days and get out from under your family for a while I think that would help too.

To use the airplane analogy... .When the oxygen masks come down the flight attendant instructs us to put on our own mask first and then help others with theirs, why? Because you can't help anyone else if you are unconscious. 

Same principal for you take a break from your ex and your family... .make time to take care of you.  It will help to put some distance there (give you some perspective), take care of you for a while, and recharge your batteries, then you can better be there for your daughter.

Have you read the information the site has about the Karpman Triangle?  I can see some of this going on with your ex, your family and you.  How might you be able to get off the triangle or move to the center of the triangle?  Are there any boundaries that you can set that might help your situation?  Always keeping in mind that the only person we can truly control is ourselves, what might you change to help yourself?

More on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Maybe focus on you for a little while... .this is not selfish, it is self care. 

Panda39

[sladezy]

Hi all my thread just got moved to this new group. I don't know if anyone could provide some kind input?

[Radcliff]

All the folks who have supported you on this thread will still see the updates, but you may gather some additional perspectives from the folks on Conflicted.

It sounds like these are tough times all around.  How have you been doing the last couple of days?  How is your daughter doing?

WW

[sladezy]

Wentworth,

As I write this I feel actual ill in my stomach. Last weekend I asked for her bio daughter to be dropped off with my daughter for my normal care time. She ignored my request. Later that day I get a call from my ex's sister asking me to pick my daughter up from her Nan's place because my ex has just left in an ambulance with non bio daughter because she was jumping on the bed, fell and hit her head and ended up with 7 or 8 stitches and a nasty gash that nearly almost took her eye out. She was in hospital for the entire weekend. I visited once and ignored my ex. Once I she was out of hospital I asked again if the care could resume with her daughter. She told me she was going to do mediation to organise a parenting plan and that until that was done she would keep care of her daughter (mind you she doesn't care for this child anymore than she was previously which has left my ex's mother doing the extra caring and God knows who else when she isn't available). She had the mediation meeting today, I have no idea what shes planned or proposed to them. My father contacted her tonight to ask if her daughter can stay with him on Friday nights because he wants to take her to do athletics of an afternoon. She said she was ok with it then commented that I won't be very happy when I recieve a letter from the place that did the mediation and that she intends to keep soul custody of her child (probably for the benefits sake). I'm worried sick that she is now going to use the custody of her daughter to leverage more custody (and more money) of our child. I'm paranoid because almost everything I have had a guy feeling about in these times have become a reality. Please help I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being ran into the ground and cut off at the knees. Even if I feel like I'm morally in the right and have enough evidence that she has neglected the children I'll still end up losing or broke, or both. This is a serious cry for help this time. I feel like she will stop at nothing to have her way regardless of who or what it affects.

[Panda39]

Hi sladezy

This is a great board for receiving emotional support, I also wanted to suggest that maybe you post on the Legal/custody/co-parenting board in terms of custody information and strategies in relation to your daughter.   I can hear your worry around custody of your daughter.

It is a great board with members who have been through the courts and have dealt with custody issues and I'm sure they can give you some ideas and strategies to help protect your rights as father and access to your daughter.  You might want to start a post about custody over there (if you haven't already  )

Panda39

[sladezy]

I just can't deal with this ___ anymore it is ___ed up. I strive to live the most stress and drama free life I possibly can. I worked very hard for alot of years to ensure I had financial security because debt when I was younger caused me an extreme amount of stress. With the thread of child support, court fee's and anything else that might come along is going to completely screw me over. I was in a position where I was ready to buy a house (our family home while we were together). To now because of child support and having dependants on my single income not being able to borrow. Am I now condemned to rent and keep my cash reserve for a potential court battle. I'm sick of the games, I'm sick of the lies, the plays for control. I just want my kids for my share of the arrangement that is already in place and I'd rather put the court battle money towards the kids futures.

[Panda39]

I hear your frustration and fear.  It's awful when other people don't get what's going on and made worse when you are blamed for things that aren't yours. 

It's likely your dad hasn't ever experienced someone like your wife so he doesn't understand it.  He also doesn't seem to be able to hear your perspective which really sucks.   

I'm going to circle back around to suggesting you make some therapy visits for yourself.  I think you will find someone that gets it and who can be helpful vs your dad who rather than being supportive is making things worse.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.  Are you able to set some time aside for yourself and do a little self care... .take a break from things for just a little while?

Panda39