Sharing my personal experience - BPD Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone 

I am new to this forum, which I discovered thanks to the "Stop walking on eggshells" book. I would like to share my personal experience, my progress and my questions. It might be a little long, but I don't really know anyone I can talk to about this (except my sister). Forgive me if there are mistakes, English is not my native tongue.

I am a 21 years old student and I am sure that my mother suffers from BPD. She has not been diagnosed, but the disorder’s description sounds like an autobiography. We are a family of 4. My father and my mother are still married (for 24 years). I have a sister, with whom I am extremley close. She left home to live her own life and we see her from time to time. I still live with my parents (but I hope I will soon leave the family nest).

Obviously, my mother's issue has been a real pain during all my life. When I was a child, as maybe all of you, I just abided by all of her desires and expectations, even if some of them sounded crazy. My only reason to live was to satisfy her, to make her proud of me. In the same time, I was not really close to my father. He is very introverted, and his relationship with my mother is more like a mother-son relationship.

When I became older and went to college, I lived alone for 3 years. It could have been a wonderful long-awaited experience, but it was not. When I look back at this period, I think I suffered from depression. Indeed, as I discovered life by myself, I started to question the way my mother raised us. I realized how much she could have abused us. Her issue affected me in several ways, of course with anxiety, FOG, shame etc., but also in some specific ways.

For instance, I suffer from excoriation disorder/dermatillomania. It is an OCD : when I'm stressed, I can't stop picking my face, scratching all my scars to the blood, for hours and hours. It was so hard to stop that I had to wear gloves. My parents knew about my OCD, but they didn't try to help me. I also wore gloves in front of them, explaining that I was trying not to mutilate myself, but my mother didn't react (she flees away when confronted to a stressful family situation) and my father even made fun of this. Hopefully, I managed to control myself, even if there are sometimes relapses.

The most stressful thing during this period was realizing that I was gay. I knew I was also attracted to boys during high school, but it then became my final orientation. Of course, taking on my orientation was a real nightmare, especially with a BP mother. It was like keeping as a secret an atomic bomb that would blow up all the family. I didn’t feel able to come out to my sister, and couldn't watch my mother in the eyes. I was sure she would kick me out, and I drowned in suicidal thoughts.

Finally, with the support of a friend, I decided to come out. I sent to my family a long message and turned off my phone. Because my message was very dark, and I didn't pick up my phone, my mother thought I killed myself. When I called back, they were all relieved. They told me they loved me and accepted my orientation.
However, the next day, I received a mail from my parents. My father told me he didn't get how I could send such a bombshell during my exams, that I might have a lot of free time to do so, and that he hoped my exams were still my first preoccupation. When I read that, I had a panic attack and started sending my mother crazy messages.
She thought I became schizophrenic and brought me to the psychiatric urgencies. There, they sent me to see a psychiatrist. I then met my current psychiatrist, who is an awesome doctor. She helped me understanding all the emotional abuses I suffered, that these experiences were not my fault.

I changed university and came back to my family home. Since my mother doesn't work anymore (she quitted all her jobs), it is hard to stay with her and absorb all her negative energy as a sponge. Besides, she doesn't help at home. She doesn't cook, rarely walk the dogs, doesn't help with chores... .My father and I do almost everything at home. She just stays like a queen on the couch. When I ask her for help, or ask her to stop giving our dogs bad habits, even in a gentle way, she becomes angry, acts like a victim and ask my father to defend her. One day, my father, my sister and I rebelled together against my mother's behavior, but instead of listening, she rushed to the bathroom and tried to kill herself. We stopped her and she accused me of brainwashing my family. I am now impatient to definitely leave home and build my own life.

I tried for years to understand my mom's personality and finally read about BPD. It just corresponds perfectly. She doesn't have friends, she always react impulsively, she is manipulative, depressed, she sees everything and everyone in all-black or all-white… I told my father and sister about it, and it became obvious to them too. I also told my psychiatrist about BPD. She thinks it is probable, but doesn’t make a definitive diagnosis (which is, in my mind, the sign she is a good psychiatrist).

Discovering that my mother suffers from BPD has helped me a lot. It helps me to better understand all these crazy reactions she can have, our educational flaws... .For instance, yesterday, I went to my university to receive my diploma. When I came home and showed it to my mother, she just replied "yes, and ? Are you unsatisfied of its title ?". I replied "No, I just wanted to show you", hoping she would say "Well done” or “I'm proud of you". But she just made fun, as she always does : "I see you've become selfish now you have your diploma". Before, I would have been devastated. I would have searched where I failed, what I did wrong, even mutilated my face. But I did not. I knew she had an inappropriate reaction because of her condition, and that I didn't do anything wrong.

Besides, I feel more and more confident with my sexual orientation. Even if I have never had a boyfriend, I feel able to date. The only problem is that, when I meet a boy that I find attractive, he quickly becomes an obsession. I can think about him during one year, without having talked a single time to him. I realized that I used these guys as lifebuoys, to believe in something and escape from my life. But now that I am aware of these obsessions' mechanism, I try to talk to them as soon as possible to break the fantasy.

To sum up, I’m starting to rebuild myself. I am at the very beginning of the process, but I know I can do it. 

However, there is still a serious flaw that my sister and I keep. We feel sometimes like we don't have an identity. It's like if we were dreaming : we don't realize where we are, what we are living, like ghosts. I think it is called "derealization". I'm pretty sure it is linked to our mother. Because we only lived for her so far, we didn't build our own identity and goals. Now that we become independent and are leaving home, it is like if we don't have anything to achieve. Like if we checked all the to-do list our mother gave us.

Have you ever experienced this feeling? Do you know how to "wake up", how to feel who we are? Do you think it will get better with time?

Thank you sincerely for reading my story,

AoiKoutei

[AoiKoutei]

Hello everyone 

I am new to this forum, which I discovered thanks to the "Stop walking on eggshells" book. I would like to share my personal experience, my progress and my questions. It might be a little long, but I don't really know anyone I can talk to about this (except my sister). Forgive me if there are mistakes, English is not my native tongue.

I am a 21 years old student and I am sure that my mother suffers from BPD. She has not been diagnosed, but the disorder’s description sounds like an autobiography. We are a family of 4. My father and my mother are still married (for 24 years). I have a sister, with whom I am extremley close. She left home to live her own life and we see her from time to time. I still live with my parents (but I hope I will soon leave the family nest).

Obviously, my mother's issue has been a real pain during all my life. When I was a child, as maybe all of you, I just abided by all of her desires and expectations, even if some of them sounded crazy. My only reason to live was to satisfy her, to make her proud of me. In the same time, I was not really close to my father. He is very introverted, and his relationship with my mother is more like a mother-son relationship.

When I became older and went to college, I lived alone for 3 years. It could have been a wonderful long-awaited experience, but it was not. When I look back at this period, I think I suffered from depression. Indeed, as I discovered life by myself, I started to question the way my mother raised us. I realized how much she could have abused us. Her issue affected me in several ways, of course with anxiety, FOG, shame etc., but also in some specific ways.

For instance, I suffer from excoriation disorder/dermatillomania. It is an OCD : when I'm stressed, I can't stop picking my face, scratching all my scars to the blood, for hours and hours. It was so hard to stop that I had to wear gloves. My parents knew about my OCD, but they didn't try to help me. I also wore gloves in front of them, explaining that I was trying not to mutilate myself, but my mother didn't react (she flees away when confronted to a stressful family situation) and my father even made fun of this. Hopefully, I managed to control myself, even if there are sometimes relapses.

The most stressful thing during this period was realizing that I was gay. I knew I was also attracted to boys during high school, but it then became my final orientation. Of course, taking on my orientation was a real nightmare, especially with a BP mother. It was like keeping as a secret an atomic bomb that would blow up all the family. I didn’t feel able to come out to my sister, and couldn't watch my mother in the eyes. I was sure she would kick me out, and I drowned in suicidal thoughts.

Finally, with the support of a friend, I decided to come out. I sent to my family a long message and turned off my phone. Because my message was very dark, and I didn't pick up my phone, my mother thought I killed myself. When I called back, they were all relieved. They told me they loved me and accepted my orientation.
However, the next day, I received a mail from my parents. My father told me he didn't get how I could send such a bombshell during my exams, that I might have a lot of free time to do so, and that he hoped my exams were still my first preoccupation. When I read that, I had a panic attack and started sending my mother crazy messages.
She thought I became schizophrenic and brought me to the psychiatric urgencies. There, they sent me to see a psychiatrist. I then met my current psychiatrist, who is an awesome doctor. She helped me understanding all the emotional abuses I suffered, that these experiences were not my fault.

I changed university and came back to my family home. Since my mother doesn't work anymore (she quitted all her jobs), it is hard to stay with her and absorb all her negative energy as a sponge. Besides, she doesn't help at home. She doesn't cook, rarely walk the dogs, doesn't help with chores... .My father and I do almost everything at home. She just stays like a queen on the couch. When I ask her for help, or ask her to stop giving our dogs bad habits, even in a gentle way, she becomes angry, acts like a victim and ask my father to defend her. One day, my father, my sister and I rebelled together against my mother's behavior, but instead of listening, she rushed to the bathroom and tried to kill herself. We stopped her and she accused me of brainwashing my family. I am now impatient to definitely leave home and build my own life.

I tried for years to understand my mom's personality and finally read about BPD. It just corresponds perfectly. She doesn't have friends, she always react impulsively, she is manipulative, depressed, she sees everything and everyone in all-black or all-white… I told my father and sister about it, and it became obvious to them too. I also told my psychiatrist about BPD. She thinks it is probable, but doesn’t make a definitive diagnosis (which is, in my mind, the sign she is a good psychiatrist).

Discovering that my mother suffers from BPD has helped me a lot. It helps me to better understand all these crazy reactions she can have, our educational flaws... .For instance, yesterday, I went to my university to receive my diploma. When I came home and showed it to my mother, she just replied "yes, and ? Are you unsatisfied of its title ?". I replied "No, I just wanted to show you", hoping she would say "Well done” or “I'm proud of you". But she just made fun, as she always does : "I see you've become selfish now you have your diploma". Before, I would have been devastated. I would have searched where I failed, what I did wrong, even mutilated my face. But I did not. I knew she had an inappropriate reaction because of her condition, and that I didn't do anything wrong.

Besides, I feel more and more confident with my sexual orientation. Even if I have never had a boyfriend, I feel able to date. The only problem is that, when I meet a boy that I find attractive, he quickly becomes an obsession. I can think about him during one year, without having talked a single time to him. I realized that I used these guys as lifebuoys, to believe in something and escape from my life. But now that I am aware of these obsessions' mechanism, I try to talk to them as soon as possible to break the fantasy.

To sum up, I’m starting to rebuild myself. I am at the very beginning of the process, but I know I can do it. 

However, there is still a serious flaw that my sister and I keep. We feel sometimes like we don't have an identity. It's like if we were dreaming : we don't realize where we are, what we are living, like ghosts. I think it is called "derealization". I'm pretty sure it is linked to our mother. Because we only lived for her so far, we didn't build our own identity and goals. Now that we become independent and are leaving home, it is like if we don't have anything to achieve. Like if we checked all the to-do list our mother gave us.

Have you ever experienced this feeling? Do you know how to "wake up", how to feel who we are? Do you think it will get better with time?

Thank you sincerely for reading my story,

AoiKoutei

[Harri]

Hi AoiKoutel and welcome to the board!  Thank you for posting your story and sharing with us.  You have been through a lot but have also made a lot of progress in healing too!  I am so happy you are with a good and competent psychiatrist.

First, happy graduation!  That is a huge accomplishment and it sounds like it was not easy for you.  I wish your family had a better response but as you recognize, your mother is affected by her disorder.  It still hurts though. 

Depersonalization and derealization is something I experienced in the past.  It is related to stress, anxiety and in more long term cases it is related to severe trauma, but can be caused by or part of other things as well.  My experience involved not recognizing myself when I looked in the mirror, always feeling disconnected from my name for example.  I remember repeating, in a questioning way, 'My name is Harri'  a lot and feeling nothing.  It lasted for years until my early to mid 20's though I don't remember when it started.  It went away and never came back after I had moved away to go to college. 

I am not sure how to 'wake up' though and I am not sure what did it for me.  It is just one day I realized I no longer wondered if that was me in the mirror and I no longer felt weird when I heard my name.  Have you talked about this with your psychiatrist?

What sort of things are you trying to do to move out of your parents house?  Do you have a plan you can follow?

Hope to hear more from you soon.    

[Turkish]

I think not feeling like you fully have your own identity fully is a feeling many of us here can relate to.  We were raised to feel responsible for our parent's feelings and identities that is hard to break free from that dynamic. A lot of us get into trouble in romantic relationships because of that.  Idealizing as you imply,  or looking to others to "fix" because we can't fix our parents and that broken parent-child bond. It is good that you have reached out to others here. 

It sounds like your mother is still making herself the center of her own universe and your dad is enabling this. 

That's so sad that she made light of your university degree... .you should be proud of that and shame on her die not being proud of you and even me so for making light of it. 

[AoiKoutei]

Thank you for your supportive messages. It feels so great to find a place in which people understand your feelings and what you experienced ! 

Harri, I don’t really have this problem with my name, but sometimes, when I look at the mirror, it’s just like if my reflect was part of by bathroom’s decoration. I don’t really get that it’s me. So much the better if it disappeared when you moved away. Even if my sister and I are still struggling with that, we can hope it will disappear one day.

I have not told my psychiatrist about it yet because my sister and I spoke about this issue just few days ago. All this time, I didn’t realize that this feeling could be out of the ordinary. Maybe I’m like a color-blind person who realizes people see in a different way. Fortunately, I will soon see my psychiatrist and tell her about this issue. I will keep you posted ! 

Concerning moving out, it depends on my next university. It is a bit complicated to explain, but I want to study one more year and I still don’t know where I will be accepted. If a far university accepts me, I will be able to live alone once again. If it is a close one, I will stay with my parents. But when I will start working, I will try to find an apart the soonest as possible. We have to travel a lot to reach major cities so I know I will not find a close work place.

Turkish, I read some messages on this board and saw that many of us were struggling with romantic relationships. Looking to others to “fix” suits me a lot. I did not precise, but what I felt so attractive with these boys was the fact they looked depressed and lonely. I was just idealizing our relationship in which I could “save” them. But I then realized that these boys were just a projection of myself. I just wanted to help the one I didn’t know how to save - me. I hope I will be able to have a healthy romantic relationship, but now that I am aware of this, I think it will be easier.

Thank you again !

[nenarox2]

Hello,

I found out about my mother's BPD through my counselor and then I asked my sister to go to a counselor where her counselor also said that this is what it sounded like she had. We then convinced my mom to go and she has been diagnosed by 3 different counselors and always stops after the diagnosis. The incorrect reactions are so hard to deal with and I hope you get away. I did... .I have been working on boundary setting for a very long time. I think you will reach this eventually.

Best,

Nen

[Harri]

when I look at the mirror, it’s just like if my reflect was part of by bathroom’s decoration. I don’t really get that it’s me.

Yes.  This is how it was for me when I looked in the mirror.  I wish I could say that it went away when I moved, but it didn't.  But, I was not in therapy at the time so that may make a difference.  I am glad that you will be talking with your T about this and yes, please do keep us posted. 

[AoiKoutei]

Hi !

I've seen my T today. Before seeing her, I made a lot of researches about derealisation and I found a trouble which fits me a lot : the complex post-traumatic disorder (C-PTSD). I recognized many symptoms I do have. Besides, I saw that many of you were talking about this issue, so it reinforced my opinion.

So today, I spoke about my derealisation issues with my T. It was the first time I did so because I only recently realised I could suffer from this trouble. She told me it was highly probable that I suffer from C-PTSD, which explains my derealisation. I asked her how to recover, and she told me I have to live good memories and make an effort of memorization to re-write on my traumas. It may take time, but it will improve in the future.

I also told her about my permanent suicidal thoughts. She seemed to say that it mainly comes from my mother : because since my childhood my BP-mother always talks about suicide when she has a problem, I may have copied this mechanism. So if I try living for myself and living good memories, it should get better with time.

In a week, I will travel with my BP-mother and my father in Japan, for two weeks. Japan is my passion, I have already traveled there with my sister and learnt Japanese. We planned to go there last year, but we cancelled (because of North Korea's ICBM). Finally we travel this year, but without my sister (who works). To be honest, I am really afraid to go there with my BP-mother. Japan is like my "secret garden", my escape and my passion, and I am afraid that my mother will destroys it by being unbearable.
Last week, I traveled with her for one week in Germany, it went well, but it was of course very stressful. However, I have almost forgotten this trip, it is like I have been dreaming.
Concerning Japan, I first planned to not take photos, to forget this travel. Buy my T told me it would be sad to sabotage my trip, and that I should get focused on the good aspects and take photos of great memories. I wish it won't be a horrible trip, I am extremly attached to this country. I plan to also walk alone by night (I sometimes have my own hotel room) to have my own trip. Japan is indeed an awesome and safe place by night.

Do you have any advice to bear a BP during a trip in a place you are very attached to ?

I will keep you posted on how went the trip 

AoiKoutei

[Learning2Thrive]

... .So today, I spoke about my derealisation issues with my T. It was the first time I did so because I only recently realised I could suffer from this trouble. She told me it was highly probable that I suffer from C-PTSD, which explains my derealisation. I asked her how to recover, and she told me I have to live good memories and make an effort of memorization to re-write on my traumas. It may take time, but it will improve in the future.

I also told her about my permanent suicidal thoughts. She seemed to say that it mainly comes from my mother : because since my childhood my BP-mother always talks about suicide when she has a problem, I may have copied this mechanism. So if I try living for myself and living good memories, it should get better with time.

I am so glad you spoke honestly with your therapist regarding these things.

In a week, I will travel with my BP-mother and my father in Japan, for two weeks. Japan is my passion… To be honest, I am really afraid to go there with my BP-mother. Japan is like my "secret garden", my escape and my passion, and I am afraid that my mother will destroys it by being unbearable.

This is a valid concern.

Concerning Japan, I first planned to not take photos, to forget this travel. Buy my T told me it would be sad to sabotage my trip, and that I should get focused on the good aspects and take photos of great memories.

Yes, you should definitely take photos and make a plan to enjoy your trip with experiences that don’t involve your mother.

I plan to also walk alone by night (I sometimes have my own hotel room) to have my own trip. Japan is indeed an awesome and safe place by night.

This is an excellent plan! I suspect if you are able to enjoy adventures without your mother, perhaps you will not feel so resentful of the times you do have to spend with her.

Do you have any advice to bear a BP during a trip in a place you are very attached to ?

Yes, I’m so glad you asked. Here are some excellent tools to practice:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I know that’s a lot of information to digest, but even if you get a couple ideas and practice ahead (for example, if she does/says this... .fill in the blank; then I will take a breath, remain calm and do that... .fill in the tool), it could really make your trip so much better overall.

I’m so glad you’ve joined our board and you’re sharing with us. It takes time and practice but things can get better.

  Take care AoiKoutei!

  L2T

[AoiKoutei]

Thank you L2T for all these resources  I will try to read this before traveling.
I want to use this trip as an exercise to do things for myself and ignore my mother's opinions.
I will keep you posted 

[Learning2Thrive]

Thank you L2T for all these resources  I will try to read this before traveling.
I want to use this trip as an exercise to do things for myself and ignore my mother's opinions.
I will keep you posted 

Hello AoiKoutei 

How are you doing? How are things going this week?

Hope you are taking good care of yourself and making excellent plans for you upcoming trip.

  L2T

[AoiKoutei]

Hi !

I'm currently reading "Understanding the borderline mother" (from Christine Ann Lawson) which is maybe the most awesome book I've read about BPD so far.
As you may know, the author classifies BP mothers in four categories : the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen and the Witch.

I first thought my mother was a Waif, a poor mother who is emotionally abandoned. But after reading the Waif's chapter, I had to recognize she is not a Waif at all. Then I read the Queen's chapter, and everything became clear.

She has always been an extremely manipulative and dominant mother. Sometimes I thought she suffered from NPD. But only thinking that caused me a panic attack. Then I forgot everything and thought I had hallucinated. But I was not. I was conscious that I was trapped in my mother's spiderweb.

We discussed a lot about it with my sister. We can now pick any moment of our lives and understand the reasons behind our mother's behavior. It was hard to realise that, in fact, our mother don't love us. She has never loved us. She just used us as puppets she could put on display to show everyone how a wonderful mother she was.
I am now invaded by hatred. I hate her so much. I know it is a temporary and normal state. But God, how much I hate her ! She stole me 21 years of existence. I am now covered with scars and suffer from C-PTSD. Thanks for the gift, Mom !

I will soon read the chapter "Loving the queen without becoming her subject". I can't answer this question by myself, so I can't wait to know the author's advice. And I can't wait to leave this home. Concerning my trip, it is clear I won't let her sabotage everything.
But now that I have all the pieces of the puzzle, I know it will be easier to rebuild myself.

AoiKoutei

[Harri]

Hi AoiKoutei.  It is always good to see you!

I found that book to be very helpful but for me it was a tough read.  It brought up a lot of emotions, but it was worth it. 

We can now pick any moment of our lives and understand the reasons behind our mother's behavior.

Understanding the hurtful behavior is so helpful in terms of detaching and realizing most of what they did had little if anything to do with us. 

I am now invaded by hatred. I hate her so much. I know it is a temporary and normal state. But God, how much I hate her ! She stole me 21 years of existence. I am now covered with scars and suffer from C-PTSD. Thanks for the gift, Mom !

Oh yes!  I still get angry when I think of the almost 4 decades of my life that I missed out on because I was so tied to her and believed her.  I too felt like I was manipulated and totally used.  I still get angry at times, though the anger is more focused and toned down a bit now. 

Concerning my trip, it is clear I won't let her sabotage everything.
But now that I have all the pieces of the puzzle, I know it will be easier to rebuild myself.

This is wonderful AoiKoutei!  Keep reaching for understanding and knowledge> 

[AoiKoutei]

Hi !

I am back from my two-week trip in Japan with my BP mother and my father. Here is how it went.

Just before going to the airport, I was extremly nervous. Japan is one of my rare passions, and it helps me knowing who I am. So going there with my parents scared me a lot. I felt so bad that I was almost ready to go back home. Finally, I decided to stay.

During the first week, I was very upset. My mother gave us her opinion about everything and everyone, criticized the hotels I chose... .It was like having an elephant in my precious pottery shop. She didn't help me at all to plan the trip. Since I already went to Japan and speak Japanese, she said she would just follow me like a tour package. She didn't even know where we were going in Japan. So I couldn't stand her criticism. Of course, she noticed I was not in a good mood. So she panicked, threw me victim's looks, did everything she could to scan me, even tickled me (as if it would improve the situation... .).

At the end of the first week, we had dinner with my previous Japanese hostfamily. They are like the family I wish I had, in total contrast with mine. I was also very anxious about my mother's reaction. The dinner went well, we had a good time all together. But on the way back to the hotel, my mother started criticizing my hostfamily's father, self-congratulated from her "awesome" English level, told me she would have no worry learning Japanese (but since I don't plan living in Japan, she won't learn the language) etc.
When I was in my room, I cried. I realised how sick my family was. This dinner's table was like an inverted mirror. My hostfamily's mother is very kind, caring, sweet, unconditionally loving... .My mother is impulsive, sour, manipulative, conditionally "loving". My hostfamily's father is strong, protective, happy to live... .My father is weak, manipulated, accomplice, masochist. My hostfamily's son is fulfilled, joyful, well in his skin... .I am depressive, abused and overwhelmed.
I called my sister and we had a long talk together. I am so glad to have her, to not be alone in this insane family.

During the second week, I thought a lot. Even if I hate my parents, I had to admit that, sometimes, we share pleasant moments. So I couldn't only hate them. At the same time, I cannot only love them, because what they made me is serious. So I told myself I need to love and hate them at the same time. The result is very strange : in the same day, I wake up loving them, then my mother or father has an anormal behavior, and I hate them for the rest of the day. It can sound very cyclothymic, but I know it is not my fault. Since they always switch between normal and anormal behavior, my reaction toward them varies accordingly.

The second week went better. Indeed, my mother started being used to Japan so stopped commentating everything all the day. We finally came back home. My parents admitted they wouldn't have had a so good trip if I wasn't there, since I was a good guide and have a good level in Japanese. But they just said that to my sister, they didn't tell me.

We came back two days ago and my mother already annoys me. She texted my sister to tell her how mean I was the first week. But my sister didn't reply her because she refuses to be part of a denigration campaign anymore. So this morning, I saw my mother crying and I know it is because my sister "disobeyed". But instead of feeling guilty, I'm glad my mother realised she has gone too far. Because she realises my sister and I are in the same side now, she may feel less powerful.

My last year of university starts on 1 October. I have nothing planned for September, so I will try to decompress. I can't wait to leave home. I am waiting for my next year's time schedule. If it will seem overloaded, I will try to negotiate an apartment with my father. It is clear I won't feel better if I stay with them. They are the only reason of my unhappiness.

AoiKoutei

[Learning2Thrive]

AoiKoutei  

I’m so glad you posted an update about your trip to Japan.

It sounds like overall you made good progress in overcoming issues with your parents. It’s good that you were/are able to separate their behaviors and dysfunction from your well being.  

I hope you will continue posting here as well as contributing on other threads. You posted some really good thoughts and observations on another thread today and I can see the tremendous progress you’ve made since you first came to this board.

  L2T

[Harri]

Hi!  i've been thinking of you in Japan!  I am glad you were able to have a positive experience there and were able to learn and grow during your trip. 

I think being able to see both the good and the bad in your parents is excellent and an important step to healing.  It is rare that someone is all bad or all good.  Seeing them as a whole is important though it can be more painful sometimes.  I know it was with my mother.  She could be so good and loving and kind so when the bad times came it was so much harder to bear.  It is also part of why I stayed as long as I did.  I kept waiting for the good.  Darned intermittent reinforcement!

It sounds like you and your sister are being very supportive of each other and that is wonderful.  A lot of sibling relationships can be negatively influenced by the disordered parent.  Not letting that happen is a victory worth celebrating!


All in all I think you did great.  You did not let them ruin a dream place and a dream trip!  That too is a victory!

Glad you are back and I look forward to hearing more from you as your adventures in school begin!   

[AoiKoutei]

AoiKoutei  

I’m so glad you posted an update about your trip to Japan.

It sounds like overall you made good progress in overcoming issues with your parents. It’s good that you were/are able to separate their behaviors and dysfunction from your well being.  

I hope you will continue posting here as well as contributing on other threads. You posted some really good thoughts and observations on another thread today and I can see the tremendous progress you’ve made since you first came to this board.

  L2T

Thank you L2T for your message  
I rarely post on someone else's thread because I consider I'm only at the very beginning of my own recovery, but I can more easily relate to other teenagers' experiences. I'm glad it is a sign of progress. I understand why members can be so active on this board, it feels good to be supportive and help others.  

Hi!  i've been thinking of you in Japan!  I am glad you were able to have a positive experience there and were able to learn and grow during your trip.  

I think being able to see both the good and the bad in your parents is excellent and an important step to healing.  It is rare that someone is all bad or all good.  Seeing them as a whole is important though it can be more painful sometimes.  I know it was with my mother.  She could be so good and loving and kind so when the bad times came it was so much harder to bear.  It is also part of why I stayed as long as I did.  I kept waiting for the good.  Darned intermittent reinforcement!

It sounds like you and your sister are being very supportive of each other and that is wonderful.  A lot of sibling relationships can be negatively influenced by the disordered parent.  Not letting that happen is a victory worth celebrating!


All in all I think you did great.  You did not let them ruin a dream place and a dream trip!  That too is a victory!

Glad you are back and I look forward to hearing more from you as your adventures in school begin!  

Thank you Harri ! I didn't know about intermittent reinforcement so I read an article about, and I admit I have never thought about that. Seeing my mother as a slot machine is very relevant and it explains why I keep hoping she will get nicer with time.

Yes, I am very lucky to have this awesome relationship with my sister. I read many stories of BPfamilies in which the relationship between children was awful, with one of them reinforcing the trauma of the others. As I told my sister, she and I are like two soldiers who fought the same war. This is why we are so closed.

I will keep you posted  

[AoiKoutei]

Hi everyone !

I'm bringing you some news. In two weeks, I begin my last year of university. I had a pre-meeting and it went very well. I'm excited to start ! 

I had a real anger crisis two weeks ago. After being admitted to this last year of university, I explained to my mother that my studies would take place in a new place, which I found very beautiful. She asked me "are you happy ?". I answered "Yes, of course. I am very proud of myself".
Strangely, she couldn't bear what I just said. She sarcastically told my father "Did you hear that ? Your son says he's proud of himself !". But my father answered "Yes, it's important to be proud of oneself !".
Because my father didn't follow her, she decided to send to my sister a message. She told her that I was very pretentious, that I said I would study in a very "famous" and "prestigious" place (which is false) etc. She added "he just said he was VERY proud of himself. LOL I guess that's done".

My sister was shocked of her message and sent it to me. When I read how she distorted what I just said and shamed me, I felt I could explode. I just wanted to tell her awful things, and how horrible she was.
Ultimately, I tried to calm down and thought that my first preoccupation should be leaving home, and that it wouldn't help be to yell at her.
I naively thought she would be proud of her son's achievement, instead of demeaning me to raise her own self-esteem (she did not good studies).

At night, I couldn't stop crying. I think this was the first time I cried so much. But I felt this feeling was different, a way more deeper. It was as if my inner child couldn't stop crying. He couldn't understand what he did wrong, why his mother was such horrible with him... .Then, I felt like an employee of children social services and decided that I would take care of him because my parents were unable to protect and love him. It became clear in my mind that it was hopeless to expect love from my mother, and that I shouldn't expect anything from her. So I took a picture of myself when I was a kid and told me all the things my parents didn't tell me. I felt extremely peaceful.
When I was a kid, I was passionate of Ancient Egypt. So a few days after, because I was still on holidays, I decided to visit a museum and did as if I was visiting with this little boy. "We" saw sarcophagus, pharaohs, a sphinx etc. and we had a very good time.

Since then, I did some great achievements in setting boundaries.
Last week, she decided to bring a dog home, as a host family (we already have 2 dogs). This is the 4th time she decides to do so. However, each time went wrong because at the end, she was not taking care of them anymore and I had to clean their droppings, walk them... .But this time, I decided she had to take full responsibility of her actions. So before driving to the shelter, I told her that it had to be clear I won't take care of this dog. That it would be her entire responsibility and she will have to do all the chores. She was pretty surprised, couldn't answer a word but she seemed to understand.

After that, while I was walking with our two dogs, she came with me outside to walk the new one. But she couldn't stop complaining about the way I walked them, while she didn't take care of her dog properly. So when we came back home, I told her she had only been criticizing me, that I disagree with the way she walked the new one, and that I won't walk with her anymore. She was very confused, and she told me it was the dog's fault... .Since then, she didn't dare asking me to walk together, and she walks the new dog alone.

Fortunately, she is less impulsive than before. If I would have told her all of this some years before, she would have yelled at me, gave me a silent treatment for weeks... .I think it is because my sister and I reversed the positions of strength. Indeed, we are now adults and my mother feels we can really "abandon" her. She knows we could decide to cut contact with her in the future. So I think she is more careful about the way she treats us.

Anyway, I have gained a strong confidence in setting boundaries. I couldn't imagine being able to do so. I think it became clear in my mind that it's useless to expect anything from her, but even if she can't provide me true love, the only thing I deserve is respect.
My next goal is destroying the toxic patterns she incrusted in my mind (~ step 11)

Thank you for reading me !

[Kwamina]

Hi AoiKoutei

I'm bringing you some news. In two weeks, I begin my last year of university. I had a pre-meeting and it went very well. I'm excited to start !  

Thanks for the update, this is great news  

I am sorry though that your mom did not respond positively to the news. The way she responded really does seem to say a lot about her own insecurities and how she feels about and views herself. You alluded to this too. Your mom might feel threatened by your success, growth and independence because by contrast she might feel that it diminishes her own worthiness. Shame and self-hate might very well be at the core of why she responded the way she did and distorted your words so in the message she sent your sister. Considering your mother has BPD, her distorted thinking and perception could also contribute to her hearing or translating things in her mind in a way which might not match with what was actually said by you or others. Still in her own mind, that distorted translation might be very real subsequently triggering negative thoughts and feelings in her which become even more manifest in the way she treats you.

I am very glad you are asserting yourself more and setting boundaries with your mother. Setting boundaries can feel quite scary after enduring a BPD parent's behavior for so long so you doing this I consider real progress

My next goal is destroying the toxic patterns she incrusted in my mind (~ step 11)

Very good to see you utilizing the survivors' guide  A lot of thumbs up for you in my post, you indeed can be very proud of yourself!

Have you perhaps already been able to identify some of the unhealthy patterns, beliefs and perceptions which were instilled in your mind? What do you consider the most harmful negative messages that you've internalized?

[AoiKoutei]

Thank you Kwamina for your kind answer !

I saw my psychiatrist today and she told me exactly the same thing, that my mother may perceive my success as a threat. Because she is consumed with fear of abandonment (as every pwBPD), being able to be proud of myself is a sign I'm becoming independent, which means I don't need her anymore.

I think the survivors' guide is very relevant ! I was quite surprised to see that some moments of my healing process were exactly described there (like my "inner child" crisis).

Have you perhaps already been able to identify some of the unhealthy patterns, beliefs and perceptions which were instilled in your mind? What do you consider the most harmful negative messages that you've internalized?

I am working on it, but I have indentified some of them. For instance, when I get angry against her in my mind, I can hear a voice telling me how selfish and horrible I am. As we discussed in the "Dealing with empathy" topic, this is a pattern she instilled in my mind : blame her for something => blame it on me. Sometimes, it feels as if she has intruded in my head. So now, when I set boundaries or get angry, I try to shut this voice because I know this is the result of a long brainwashing.

Another unhealty pattern is believing that the worst will always happen. When I went outside, she was always sure I would die, being killed, kidnapped or hit by a car. So when a relative gets outside, I always think I'm telling him/her goodbye for the last time. If (s)he doesn't reply by text, I have this automatic feeling "Oh my god, (s)he's dead ! I was sure it would happen !". Of course, (s)he was never dead. So now, when someone doesn't answer me, or gets outside, I try to shut this fear and rationalize about the situation.

Without a doubt, the most harmful negative message is demeaning me and destroying my self-esteem. I am afraid to tell my friends about my personal issues because I don't want to bother them. However, I can help them with theirs for hours and hours. I know I'm just re-creating the unilateral relationship I have with my mother... .I am also trying to work on it. For example, I'm eating with a close friend tomorrow, and I want to tell her about what I have been through. Of course it is not about complaining for hours, but I think she can't really be my friend if she doesn't know who I truly am.

Thank you again !  

AoiKoutei

[LottaO]

Hi AoiKoute,

I just wanted to say I can really relate to your situation. Especially this part:

"I naively thought she would be proud of her son's achievement, instead of demeaning me to raise her own self-esteem."

And, I've cried many nights trying to figure out what went wrong or what to do next. You've encouraged me in gaining confidence in setting boundaries. And I just want to let you know, you're not alone. Congrats on your achievements and keep pushing forward.

[AoiKoutei]

Hi LottaO ! 

I'm glad my experience can help you move forward. I also think setting boundaries is crucial when a relative suffers from BPD. It is very scary in the first place, but it is just a matter of self-confidence. When you start breaching this toxic relationship, it becomes easier and easier to set new boundaries. The first one is the hardest !

Good luck with your relationship, and trust yourself ! 

[Harri]

Hi!  Thanks for the update and congrats on starting your last year at university!  That is wonderful. 

being able to be proud of myself is a sign I'm becoming independent, which means I don't need her anymore.

I agree and I smiled from ear to ear when I read you felt proud of yourself in spite of your mothers reaction to it. 

Another unhealty pattern is believing that the worst will always happen.

  I think some of these thoughts are to be expected or are common to those of us who grew up in such dysfunction.  I can't remember if we have referred you to how to work through the 10 types of twisted thinking before: 

Now that you've identified your twisted thinking, use the suggestions of Dr. David Burns to help you untwist those thoughts.

1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up", or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

I figured I would throw this out there in case it might help.

Without a doubt, the most harmful negative message is demeaning me and destroying my self-esteem. I am afraid to tell my friends about my personal issues because I don't want to bother them. However, I can help them with theirs for hours and hours. I know I'm just re-creating the unilateral relationship I have with my mother... .I am also trying to work on it. For example, I'm eating with a close friend tomorrow, and I want to tell her about what I have been through. Of course it is not about complaining for hours, but I think she can't really be my friend if she doesn't know who I truly am.

Let us know how it goes.  Opening up can be risky but also quite rewarding.

[AoiKoutei]

Hi Harri !

Thank you for these 10 points, I didn't know about them. I will try to think about them next time I catch a toxic pattern in my mind.

About yesterday's meeting with my close friend, we talked a lot and I told her some of my personal issues like my childhood or my mother's PD.
However, when I came back home, I felt disappointed for two reasons.

First of all, I derealized so much that it was like I never met her... .I was home and thought "Did I really get out ?". I think talking about these issues made me thinking so much during the meeting that I wasn't aware of my environment. So it felt like dreaming.

Secondly, even if she was really kind and open-minded, this conversation was mainly about her. I thought she would try to support me, but she rather eclipsed the tough issues (which probably made her uncomfortable) and told about herself.

I took a step back, and I think the problem is that I projected my need of a loving and supporting mother on her. I realized I expected her what the mother I never had would have done : support me, love me, tell me I'm a good person, that I should be proud of myself etc.
Of course expecting this from a 21 years old friend is pointless and the only possible outcome is disappointment. So when I came back home, I felt bad because my idealization broke down. I was just discovering the real person under the mask I put on her face. Fortunately, I could quickly understand what happened, because I better know myself now.

Some days ago, I already guessed I was projecting something on her. I was indeed scared of eating with her and telling her my problems, because I didn't want to bother her. In the same time, when she broke up with her boyfriend, I was happy to help her for hours and hours. Actually, I was just recreating the unilateral relationship I have with my mother. I've realized my relationship with my friend has often been about meeting her needs, but not mine.

I think the only solution is expecting nothing from anyone. If I just meet people without expecting them to fill my emotional hole, then I can't be disappointed. But it's hard because I feel like an addict who needs his dose of love, support and validation.
I learned to short-circuit my romantic projections, but now I have to learn to short-circuit my friendship projections too. Being aware of it is, I guess, a first and huge step forward.

[Kwamina]

First of all, I derealized so much that it was like I never met her... .I was home and thought "Did I really get out ?". I think talking about these issues made me thinking so much during the meeting that I wasn't aware of my environment. So it felt like dreaming.

Have you had experiences like this before where you seem to dissociate or enter a dreamlike state?

If the experiences you had were traumatic to you, it could also be that by recounting your story you were also re-traumatizing yourself or triggering yourself to the point you started experiencing (emotional) flashbacks. Do you think that might have been what was going on?

I think the only solution is expecting nothing from anyone. If I just meet people without expecting them to fill my emotional hole, then I can't be disappointed. But it's hard because I feel like an addict who needs his dose of love, support and validation.
I learned to short-circuit my romantic projections, but now I have to learn to short-circuit my friendship projections too. Being aware of it is, I guess, a first and huge step forward.

I think changing your expectations might indeed be helpful, expectations of others but perhaps more importantly, also of yourself. As adults I think we are placing ourselves in a very vulnerable position if we want others to fill the emotional holes or voids inside of us. Though we might not be responsible for creating these holes/voids, as adults we are responsible for filling and healing them. That's not someone's else responsibility and even if it were, it is very difficult if not impossible for one person to fill such a void in another.

Needing love, support and validation is only human, I think it is a healthy sign that you long for these things. An important next step will probably be learning to love yourself, learning to provide yourself with the love, support and validation that you're longing for. Can you think of some kind things you could do for yourself to support you and validate your experiences?

[AoiKoutei]

Have you had experiences like this before where you seem to dissociate or enter a dreamlike state?

To be honest, this derealization issue is maybe the weirdest one I can experience. It is very hard to explain, and I just can't remember when it has started. Sometimes, it feels like it has always been the case, that I have been in a dreamlike state all my life. 

What is sure is that it's not the first time it does happen. For example, when I go outside (for any purpose : to the university, to the doctor etc.), I can tell myself "in fact, it's like I'm already back home". Indeed, I go outside, I know I'm taking the train, having class, but when I'm home, it's like I have never been outside. Like if I have dreamed, actually. More generally, it's like if time was fleeing so quickly that I couldn't catch the moment. It's like watching the movie of my life without being able to pause it. I'm sorry for being so abstract, but I cannot explain it in a simple way... .

If the experiences you had were traumatic to you, it could also be that by recounting your story you were also re-traumatizing yourself or triggering yourself to the point you started experiencing (emotional) flashbacks. Do you think that might have been what was going on?

Yes, maybe. But I'm almost always in a dreamlike state, even when I don't re-traumatize myself. So I don't really know where it comes from.
I see three possibilities :
1) My brain has "anesthetized" itself as an automatic response to my emotional abuses.
2) Since I'm a kid, I think so much that my brain is too saturated to catch the moment. I'm always thinking and thinking, I can't enjoy a silent mind. When I was eating with my friend, I was particularly thinking while she was talking to me. I rarely think so much when I'm with someone, so it can explain why this dreamlike state was so strong that day.
3) A mix of both. As a coping strategy to not suffer from living with a disordered mother, I unconsciously realised that by always thinking, I could escape from reality. So I took this habit to overthink in order to anesthetize my pain. As a result, I'm in a permanent dreamlike state.

I told my psychiatrist about it some time ago. She told me I should experience as many positive moments as I can to stimulate my brain again.

Can you think of some kind things you could do for yourself to support you and validate your experiences?

I guess developing self-compassion may be the key. I should understand that no one (except other pwBPD's children) can really understand what I've been through. So it's pointless to feel ashame when someone does something better than me, because we are not on an equal footing. I just do what I can with what I have. I'm not a failure, I'm just broken.
I know it will take time to provide myself support and validation I have been longing for. It is such a beaten track ! When I see how my mother criticized me when I said I was proud of myself, I understand why it's so hard. But as for the boundaries, I guess it's a matter of practice.

Thank you Kwamina for your help !

[Harri]

I know it will take time to provide myself support and validation I have been longing for. It is such a beaten track ! When I see how my mother criticized me when I said I was proud of myself, I understand why it's so hard. But as for the boundaries, I guess it's a matter of practice.

Boundaries will take practice and can help with detaching or differentiation of self for sure.  I think when you are in the abusive situation it is hard to near impossible to heal.  Your system does not get a change to relax and just be so you can figure things out, like how you feel, or what may make you anxious.

About the derealization, it is my understanding that it comes under the category of anxiety disorders.  What you describe is what my T calls my mild dissociative symptoms of shutting down, numbing, distancing myself, etc.  Prior to working with my last T I never really connected the dissociation to anxiety and I had never bothered to explore it on my own (probably a way for me to deny).  I did not connect it to anxiety because the dissociation kicked in before I was aware of the anxiety and panic attacks came on.  I think your T is right that as you build more positive experiences, you will find that you relax more.  Perhaps being away at school will help with that as well.

When you are at school, will you be able to continue therapy?

[AoiKoutei]

Thank you Harri for sharing your experience. I also think it is connected to anxiety because it really looks like a coping strategy.

When you are at school, will you be able to continue therapy?

Yes, fortunately, I stay in the same town so I will still be able to see my psychiatrist.

I will keep you posted ! 

[Learning2Thrive]

... .
Yes, fortunately, I stay in the same town so I will still be able to see my psychiatrist.

I will keep you posted !  

AoiKoutei, I’m so impressed with your growth. I haven’t been posting in this thread, but I have been reading along and cheering your progress. It’s also been wonderful seeing you participate in some other threads. You should be proud of your progress.  

I’m so glad you’re able to see your psychiatrist while in school. I think this is going to be a great year of personal growth for you and I look forward to your updates. 

Gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T

[AoiKoutei]

Thank you Learning2Thrive for your kind message !
Even if almost all my previous school years have been quite ruined because of my despair, I'm very happy to still have one more I can protect and enjoy. I'm sure it will be a very enriching one ! (I have just spent the evening chatting with my new classmates, which I would never have dared to do before)

[AoiKoutei]

Hi everyone ! I'm bringing you some news.

To be honest, I feel very well. This is rare enough to mention it
It has been one month since I've went back to university. My final year is a very specialised one, so we are only 23 people in the same class. I have sympathised with almost everyone.

Above all, I'm always going out. I go to the cinema, to the theater, I have a drink with friends, I go to birthday parties... .I've never went outside so often. Before, I was always looking for excuses to not have fun (because my mother was always making me feel guilty). It's impressive to see how it affects my mood. I know it won't last, but for the moment, I enjoy it.

Besides, my mother makes me feel less guilty. At the very beginning, she was complaining ("I see you let your poor old mom alone"). But now, she makes efforts to not express her fear of abandonment. I'll try to find an opportunity to thank her for that, because I guess it's hard for her.

The only remaining problem is my derealization issue. Unfortunately, it won't go away. Each time I go out, it's like I've dreamed I went out. I've finally found a comparison to explain it : it feels like I'm always wearing a Virtual Reality headset. I know I'm real, I see my environment, I can touch it, but it's like my brain was telling me everything was fake. I don't know how to get rid of it. I guess my brain may have been damaged during my childhood. But I hope it won't last forever... .I will buy the "C-PTSD : From Surviving to Thriving" book, because I think this is the last piece of puzzle I'm missing.

Apart from that, I've made great efforts to destroy the toxic patterns my mother instilled in my head. I do not feel guilty anymore when I go outside, or when I set boundaries. Besides, I'm able to instantly recognize when I'm projecting fantaisies on people to short-circuit them. If I like someone, I'll try to sympathize as soon as possible to break the rescuer/rescued dynamic. As a result, I'm building much healthier relationships with people.

PS : I've seen the Survivor's Guide (which was on the right) has disappeared. Do you know where I can find it ?

AoiKoutei