Worrying about my own behaviors. BPD?

[etown]

Hi Everyone,

As I've posted here before, my mother is diagnosed with BPD. She has pretty intense symptoms--extreme emotional instability, self-harm, attempted suicide, extreme black-and-white views of my brother and I. When she was diagnosed in my 20s and I started reading about what BPD was, it was like a light turned on my childhood. Everything began to make sense when it had seemed like chaos and confusion before.

But then I started worrying about whether I might have BPD. I have childhood trauma. I'm not always the best at social interactions. My counsellor says that it's unlikely, that I don't have the breadth of emotional issues she has. Still, the worry haunts me that I might get worse as I age. For example, I tend to be really aware of people's facial expressions when I'm talking to them (a common trait of people who suffered childhood trauma and a pretty useful skill if you happen *to work in my field). If they appear bored or distracted, I have trouble continuing. I just googled extreme sensitivity to facial expressions and the first listing was for BPD. And the worry popped back in my head. Where is the line between being emotionally aware (which isn't a bad thing) and being BPD?

Anyway, I was just wondering if this worries anyone else. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Harri]

Hi.  I understand why you worry about this.  Many of us worry about some of our own behaviors so you are not alone.    

It is not uncommon for us to exhibit the same or similar behaviors and/or have some of the same coping skills our as BPD parent.  They raised us, so it makes sense we will learn their ways.  PDs are pervasive so even if a BPD is 'good' at parenting, the PD will have an influence.   But let's face it; many of us did not have a parent with good parenting skills.  How you describe yourself, being aware of facial expressions and not being good in social interactions is something I can relate to very much.  I do not have BPD but I do have a lot of coping strategies and have been diagnosed with PTSD.  Of course I have problems.  On top of that I have all the trauma issues as well which stem from having a mentally ill mother.

Lets take a look at this a bit further though.  Being tuned into peoples facial expressions and body language was a skill we developed to protect ourselves.  Being able to read our mothers was vital to being safe, whether emotionally or physically.  Reading facial expressions and responding to them was/is a coping skill and I for one am grateful for this ability.  It helped me a great deal in my work also.

So some of our behaviors will match those on a list of BPD behaviors.  It is how we use the behaviors that matters.  We can also have BPD traits without having the disorder.  The label does not matter.  What matters is self awareness, but awareness is not enough on its own.  We have to combine awareness with the willingness and drive to change.  You are showing both of those thing when you go to T and when you post here. 

[Turkish]

Like The Board Beagle said, I think most of us here learned to walk on eggshells around our parents and we took what we did with us in order to survive. What you describe aren't BPD traits really,  at least anywhere near diagnostic criteria. I used to suffer from social anxiety. I child be a bit of a Waif.  I own these things but I'm not BPD.  This saith my therapist 

I'd trust your counselor.  I argued with mine until I sensed he got mad at me and then I retreated, afraid of making him mad like a good PSI kid 

I believed him,  but still had doubts. I think doubts are normal.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Etown,

Picking the odd trait up from your BPD is so normal that it has its own term, “picking up fleas”.  The killer attributes to worry about are a lack of empathy and a grandiose sense of self, the absence of guilt and lots of denial. Being here, and the content of your posts, does not suggest you have any of those

Importantly you appear to have an aptitude to change. Like you, the hpyervigilance has helped me in my work, but it has also hindered in that I can read in things that aren’t there. It creates unnecessary anxiety. Do you have similar issues and if so how do you counter this ?

[etown]

Thank you for all your responses. It's good to know that this is somewhat normal.

HappyChappy, you said:

Like you, the hpyervigilance has helped me in my work, but it has also hindered in that I can read in things that aren’t there. It creates unnecessary anxiety. Do you have similar issues and if so how do you counter this ?

There are a number of coping mechanisms I've developed over the years that have varying levels of effectiveness. For one thing, I find I'm much more comfortable around people who vibrate on a somewhat low frequency (if you know what I mean), so I tend to move in that direction with my partner and my closest friends. I find them relaxing, but I have to be careful about how much energy I expend trying to entertain them.

Where the vigilance catches me up is at work, particularly when speaking to people in positions of power over me. If I notice them drifting, I tend to lose my nerve with whatever I'm saying. Lately, I've tried very pointedly to remember that not every facial expression is a response to what I'm saying and that not everyone emotes the same way. I also have to remind myself that when I have the floor, it is my turn to talk, and I deserve to be there. But it takes work. 

Do you guys have any ways of coping with this?

[nenarox2]

But then I started worrying about whether I might have BPD. I have childhood trauma. I'm not always the best at social interactions.

Dude,

This is what I worry about every day! I always ask my counselors and they say no. But I know that I apply black and white thinking to a lot of peopel in my life. I had a friend criticize me, it sent me into an intense emotional reactivity. I did not react to her, but I cried for like an unnatural amount of time. Now, I don't want anything to do with her and I see how I am being. But I don't know if it is because I am also BPD or the one source of nurturing that I had was a constant ranting and raving person that would criticize and abuse me when in her manic state.

[etown]

I had a friend criticize me, it sent me into an intense emotional reactivity. I did not react to her, but I cried for like an unnatural amount of time. Now, I don't want anything to do with her and I see how I am being.

Oh man, that is so familiar. It's happened as recently as this winter. I've also had to work really hard to differentiate reasonable criticism from unreasonable criticism.

For me, I think it's because criticism was a literal source of danger when I was a child. I never knew when a reasonable conversation about household chores would fly into a screaming, sobbing rage where I would end up terrified either that she would hurt me or my brother or (more likely) herself. So when people criticize me, my defences go right up and I go straight into what my counsellor calls my "trauma brain" where I just feel like the world is ending.

Recognizing this has been really life changing.

So, here are the lessons I've learned about criticism from friends:

1) I don't have to take on every piece of criticism that lands in my lap.
2) It doesn't make me worthless.
3) It's ok to take space from someone who I don't feel safe around. I don't have to burn the bridge and I don't have to deal with it right away. I can just cool off and come back to it when I feel better. The intensity of my feelings is both valid and temporary.
4) Sometimes when people criticize, it's not even about me. It's about something that's going on with them and they have to figure it out. I can't do it for them.

I hope that helps! Writing it down has certainly helped me.

[HappyChappy]

Lately, I've tried very pointedly to remember that not every facial expression is a response to what I'm saying

Sometimes its trapped wind. I have to work on this also (not reading too much into facial expressions).

For one thing, I find I'm much more comfortable around people who vibrate on a somewhat low frequency (if you know what I mean),

Same here, I guess I struggle to relax and find those that can, soothing. But also their ability to never take the rise from Narky people. Being the scapegoat I was never allowed to avoid the confrontation. Sounds like you are very aware of where you are etown, which can only be good. 

[AoiKoutei]

Hello !

As everybody said, I think we are all confronted to these coping strategies. I am also always scanning people's faces. For instance, during classes, when a friend came to sit next to me, without saying a single word, I could guess his/her mood, how (s)he felt today etc. And if I saw (s)he was angry, I started searching what I did wrong, if (s)he was upset against me... .
When it comes to scan my mother's face, I can guess her mood and what is in her mind just by looking at the smallest details, like the angle of her eyebrows.
But I think we should focus on the positive aspects this ability can bring us. I am sure it can be very useful in professionnal situations for instance. We can immediately adapt our words before the person speaks. It's as if we can read minds, I guess.

Concerning having BPD traits, I think it is entirely normal. For example, my sister and I have been raised by a BPD mother. If you combine both of our personnalities, I think you could reconstitude a BPD. However, we do not individually suffer from BPD. So don't be worried, it is normal to inherit some of your mother's traits. It doesn't mean you suffer from BPD. And as we mentioned, some of these traits can be useful.