My mother is abusing my niece the way she abused me

[nenarox2]

Hey,

I have been surfing this site for several years now. I don't know what I would do without this family of those that suffer with and for those with BPD. I have not posted in years, because, well... .I thought I set my boundaries with my BPD mother. She knows to not verbally abuse me, or go all black and white with me, because I will stop discussion. She knows not to threaten to kill herself or tell me how she wished we were all dead, only to call back 3 months later and say that she is so blessed to have us as children and how grateful she is for her life. Except... .Well, I did not prepare to witness her abuse my niece and trigger the things I worked so hard to overcome. I did not prepare to witness her abuse, and re-open all of the emotions that I have worked so hard to address.

Back story- I was in counseling for years trying to address my own emotional reactivity and black and white thinking. To see that my ranting for days was a serious sign of something wrong and that I needed to get that behavior in check. That you cannot beat your child with a shoe or a wire hanger because your parents did that. It has been so long since I have ever thought it was ok to behave like that. Years... .I don't even know what it is like to instinctively want to hit my child in order to control... . I still have guilt but we both went to counseling and are such a strong family.

I went home in May, 2018 without my husband or my family. The visit was with my mom and my niece, whom was abandoned by her mother and my drug addict brother and is now living with my mom. She is 13 and extremely overweight- obese and eating more and more daily. Every morning, my BPDm would wake her up with this awful ranting about what a low life POS she was, how she is fat and ugly and no wonder her mother left her. She is stupid like her mother. Nobody wants her because she is ugly, stupid, and lazy. The only difference between my niece and I was that I became anorexic, and OCD so she would not call me those things. Don't worry my anorexia was why I got into counseling and my OCD is limited to my home- and none of those things stopped her from verbally and physically beating me. I asked my niece why she was not doing everything she could to avoid the ranting and verbal abuse (my own victim mindset came out!). She simply shrugged and said "Why try, she is only going to redo it and then hit me when she redoes it." Her approach is the very opposite of what I did. I finally screamed that if my mom did not stop this tirade, I would leave and NEVER return. It put her in the pensive mode and I left feeling that she will be better with my niece, at least for a few weeks until something or someone triggers her manic.

Except, it is July now, and I have been emotionally volatile- getting back into counseling as soon as my teen's braces are paid off. I keep reliving my abuse each morning. I realize now, that I actually don't wake up grumpy, I was conditioned to hate mornings as this is when my BPDm was at her worse. I am mad at my dead father (AGAIN) for never getting me away from her when she would scream "Call you father, he doesn't want you", only to dial his number and he never answer, only reaffirming her cruel abuse. I realize, "No wonder I had a teen pregnancy with an extremely abusive man that is now in prison for his crimes". That man was the only one in my life, at 14, that was kind to me. Until he wasn't, of course. But I just know that my niece is going down the same road and I cannot help her. Context- we are native and you cannot take an enrolled child from an enrolled member, so I cannot take her from that place. Plus, she would stay for the chance of seeing her druggie dad.

My mom created the messed up bunch of kids and I cannot understand why I cannot get over witnessing this abuse. Why can't I get it out of my head?

Nenarox2

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back.  I am glad you posted about this issue.  It must be very painful and as you said, triggering, to see your mother abusing your niece.

Being a witness to abuse is very stressful and upsetting even though you have been through therapy.  Sometimes, we need to revisit the past and heal some more so I am glad you plan to go back to therapy.  It is important that you work on these memories and feelings.  In the meantime though, you can post here for support and a listening ear (or a few listening ears   ).  So many of us, myself included, still have issues to work on and issues that get triggered by certain events.  I either talk about them in therapy or write about it here on the boards.  So while you wait to go back to T, please don't forget the support and understanding you can get from all of us here.  We get it and can discuss things to help in understanding what is going on which can help considerble.  We have also brainstormed and talked about techniques to help us work through triggers.  

Reading this post may help a bit.  See what you think.Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Nenarox2, 

So glad to see you here and posting. Thank you for sharing this story, as difficult as it is. We really do understand the painful memories and the triggers. They're tough to deal with. Like Harri said, I'm glad you are soon getting back in to counseling. 

When you relive your abuse each morning, what type of thoughts are going through your head? Do you feel young again, like your niece? Do you hear the words, feel the blows? What are you feeling physically and emotionally in the present and in the flashback to your childhood?

My inner kids were often triggered by seeing something as you described. It would send me tailspinning, trying to comprehend why it bothered me so much. If I took time to listen to which of my inner kids were triggered (for example maybe it was your own 13 year old self), then I could work on comforting her, or imagining speaking back to my uBPDm, or locking the door so she couldn't come in. If you imagine the ending to be different, sometimes it is empowering to your little one. Does this make sense?

 
Wools

[nenarox2]

Hi Wools and Harriet.

Thanks for the responses. I am getting into the reading pieces again, especially the guilt part.

As for your advice, that makes a lot of sense, because it was how I was able to forgive the little girl inside of me. I suppose I never focused on my teen years because I got pregnant so soon and my mother's verbal abuse continued until the day my dad stopped paying child support and I had to move out and figure it all out so fast. I wake up every morning remembering everything terrible thing that is happening in my life. I wake up thinking about all of the things I said and did at work- about how stupid I am and undeserving of the life that I built. I think about every negative thing I can possible rack up. I always thought, I am just a grumpy morning person and that is that. But when I watched my BPDm wake up, she would immediately walk through the house and focus on everything wrong and then go into my old room and just start screaming at my niece. I had a 5 hour drive after that incident and realized that she did that to me EVERYDAY for years. I don't remember a time, except when she was on honeymoon behavior during one her 7 marriages, that she did not verbally abuse me. I realize that my low SE is not just a result of the physical abuse. It is a result of the constant bashing.

I think I should talk to that teen self and just tell her, every morning that she deserves to be here. That she is not stupid. She is not ugly. She is loved by her father, he just needed to escape her abuse. I logically know these things are true. But the emotional me is just so hurt still.

Nen

[Learning2Thrive]

I think I should talk to that teen self and just tell her, every morning that she deserves to be here. That she is not stupid. She is not ugly. She is loved by her father, he just needed to escape her abuse. I logically know these things are true. But the emotional me is just so hurt still.

Yes. This sounds like an emotional flashback due to bearing witness to your mum abusing your neice has re-traumatized you.

I have felt this sort of emotional hurt from witnessing various triggering events. The pain you feel is real and I encourage you to spend some time on Pete Walker’s website:
www.pete-walker.com/index.htm

Sending you positive thoughts and gentle hugs,

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

This passage may be applicable to your situation:

A childhood rife with verbal and emotional abuse often creates an identification with the critic that is so pervasive, that it is as if the critic is the whole identity. Disidentification from the critic is the fight of a lifetime, and for a long time there is a great pull to collapse back into the old habit of self-blame. Ironically this self- hate can constellate around the self-judgment that one is especially defective because she cannot simply banish the critic. [Typical toxic, all-or-none thinking from the critic]. Sadly, many survivors give up before recognizing the myriad subtle ways the critic tortures them.

Find the full article here: www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf

What are your thoughts?