At times one step backwards feels like six

[Learning2Thrive]

First, a huge THANK YOU to Wools for suggesting Pete Walker’s works in my previous post re uNPD mum training me to ruminate.  And also a huge THANK YOU to Harri for posting the link to Pete Walker’s site in Kermit’s recent thread on the inner critic voice.

I was thinking I would have to order his books or see if they were available at my local library. I had no idea he had so much free information/work on his website.

Quote from Pete Walker’s site www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html , FAQ page under the question “Why Does It Take So Long To Get That We’re Recovering?”

It is exceedingly difficult to accept the proposition – the fact – that recovery is never complete. And although we can expect our flashbacks to markedly decrease over time, how hard it is to let go of the salvation fantasy that we will one day be forever free of them. Yet if we do not disidentify from this expectation, we will remain extremely susceptible to blaming and shaming ourselves every time we have a flashback. Understanding and accepting this is so crucial because recovery typically progresses in a process that is two steps forward and one backwards, with the unfortunate subjective experience that at times that one step backwards feels for all the world like six.

Oh WOW!    As I sift through the page, there are so many things that resonate. Each statement is a mind freeing morsel of nourishment. But the quote above particularly speaks to me this sleepless morning.

My humble thank you, again, to Wools and Harri.

[Learning2Thrive]

So, I have a few days off from one of my jobs — the one that allows me to provide health insurance and other benefits for my family. I also own a small business that is full time plus.

Anyway I had visions of grandeur about all I would accomplish today. But instead I find myself here (and pouring over Pete Walker’s website) and mentally going back and forth from criticizing myself for not being more productive for my business to telling myself that I’m worthy of this time that has been intensely enlightening. In so many ways it FEELS like six steps back. In reality it may be a small step back as it relates to my business. But on a personal level (and long term perspective for the business), I feel it is a huge step forward to invest this time in learning and self care.

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Shesh... .that inner criticism above about not being more productive in my business today is #8 on on the list of 14 common inner critic attacks:

Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

 

Thanks for letting me process by writing it all out here today. Comments are welcome, of course.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi L2T, 

First of all, you are so welcome!

Second of all forgive me if I say that I am   inside myself with great joy and delight as I read your posts because I also have found those steps to be so freeing! Oh to laugh with you at the  moments is such a delight.  His information is awesome! The dog eared pages of my book bear testimony to all the hours I've spent reading. I work on it in stages, reading, absorbing, freezing, going back and repeating again. You should see all the bookmarks I have sticking out everywhere in the book.

When I first ordered his book, I tried reading it, but it was very slow for me. I now realize that I had to keep moving forward in my T sessions and personal growth to be able to get past enough of the trauma to absorb what I'm reading now. I'm currently able to focus on the Inner Critic portion and am resting there for a while.

Thank you for sharing this!

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

Second of all forgive me if I say that I am   inside myself with great joy and delight as I read your posts because I also have found those steps to be so freeing! Oh to laugh with you at the  Thought moments is such a delight.  grin His information is awesome! The dog eared pages of my book bear testimony to all the hours I've spent reading. I work on it in stages, reading, absorbing, freezing, going back and repeating again. You should see all the bookmarks I have sticking out everywhere in the book.

First, no apologies please! I am reveling in the shared delight of discovery. I have felt so alone and so unworthy for so much of my life. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, there would never be any love or validation from her unless it was to serve her own selfish and destructive needs. Yes!  His information and website have me hooked. I can’t wait to receive my book and get going with notes and bookmarks.