Mainstream Relationship Techniques/Concepts: like a bandaid on a gunshot wound?

[jukeboxhero]

Has anyone ever tried applying relationship techniques/concepts meant for normal people in the relationship with their pwBPD?

When my expwBPD and I were on great terms, I mentioned the book “5 Love Languages”, and we both read it. She said that her primary language is “words of affirmation”, her secondary is “physical touch”. My primary language is “physical touch”, my secondary is “quality time”. When she’s in a good mood, I’m very affectionate with her, and I compliment her constantly. It never seemed like enough though… I always enjoy spending time with her, even just running errands. The problem here, is that eventually I end up triggering her fear of engulfment, by my mere presence. She pushes me away and I don’t see her for awhile.

So, has anyone had any success with applying more mainstream relationship techniques/concepts? Or is it like placing a band-aid on a gunshot wound?

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[pearlsw]

Hi jukeboxhero,

Early on in my relationship, before I had any idea what I'd gotten myself into, I used to try those basic Fair Fighting rules. (When you search for them you find nice explanations of the concepts below.)

Fair Fighting Rule #1: NO DEGRADING LANGUAGE

Fair Fighting Rule #2: NO BLAMING

Fair Fighting Rule #3: NO YELLING

Fair Fighting Rule #4: NO USE OF FORCE

Fair Fighting Rule #5: NO TALK OF DIVORCE

Fair Fighting Rule#6: DEFINE YOURSELF, NOT YOUR PARTNER

Fair Fighting Rule #7: STAY IN THE PRESENT

Fair Fighting Rule #8: TAKE TURNS SPEAKING

Fair Fighting Rule #9: WHEN NECESSARY, USE TIME-OUTS

He did show interest in the rules at times, but when he is dysregulating he cannot really follow this stuff so it goes right out the window. But it still works for me to try to follow them. I had to give up the idea feeling like it was unfair that would not follow the rules. Eventually I could see that his heightened emotions and impulsivity made it harder for him to follow rules. While I can see he does care about this and I think even wishes he could follow these rules, there are times he cannot.

The hardest on me is him constantly interrupting. It leads to escalation and he just does not seem to get how his speech patterns make this happen. But I can see it, so when he interrupts excessively I exit the conversation and let him know we can try again later.

It's not easy. I think it all depends on open the person is. My SO had BPD traits, but he also has other issues I think. It makes it hard for to know what I am dealing with at times.

I think the tools on this site are the incredibly helpful... .it takes time to adjust to using them though, and they can be counter-intuitive at times.

Have you had any successes?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[once removed]

with some exceptions maybe, most of the tools meant to improve a relationship, and certainly all of the skills and tools we teach here, work with everyone.

BPD in a romantic relationship is sort of a "special needs" case, but the tools are the same. we all need validation, support, empathy, boundaries, etc. people with BPD tend to need a higher dose of the same things.

She said that her primary language is “words of affirmation”,
... .
and I compliment her constantly. It never seemed like enough though

i would say that compliments are only one aspect of words of affirmation. i think of words of affirmation more in terms of making them feel heard and supported, and not invalidating them.

i dont know about your loved one, but generally speaking, people with BPD have low self esteem and a poor self image. compliments, to a person with a poor self image, can make them feel awkward, even invalidated.  in a worst case scenario, it may make them distrustful, and suspicious that you have ulterior motives.

i have terrible handwriting. i always have. im not exactly looking for a partner to make me feel better about my handwriting, it is what it is. if someone came along and started telling me how beautiful and amazing my handwriting was, theyd get a weird look from me and id wonder what theyre on about.

The problem here, is that eventually I end up triggering her fear of engulfment, by my mere presence.

is it possible youre coming on a bit too strong with the compliments?

[Jade_alexander]

We did SO much counseling... .like I tried allll sorts of stuff! Couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working and he blames me for it.

Now I get it. And I don’t feel though are effective in a toxic BPD relationship. All the rules change in this environment.

[jukeboxhero]

Have you had any successes?

Not really. I had thought when I established the boundary, of not agreeing to be "just friends" when she pushed me away, was a success, but apparently not... .

[jukeboxhero]

i would say that compliments are only one aspect of words of affirmation. i think of words of affirmation more in terms of making them feel heard and supported, and not invalidating them.

I didn't really mean that I compliment her constantly, it's really not that often, but it feels like it's never enough for her.

In her most recent breakup text to me, she thanked me for my "kindness and support over the last year". One of the last times we spent time together, she said, "I think the reason I keep coming back to you is that you accept me for how I'm feeling". So, I think I've been supporting and validating.

i dont know about your loved one, but generally speaking, people with BPD have low self esteem and a poor self image. compliments, to a person with a poor self image, can make them feel awkward, even invalidated.  in a worst case scenario, it may make them distrustful, and suspicious that you have ulterior motives.

She seems to oscillate from very high to very low self esteem. The most negative reaction to a compliment I've ever received from her, is just her saying "yeah, right!" sarcastically, with a smile on her face

is it possible youre coming on a bit too strong with the compliments?

I'm not sure, whenever I pay her a compliment, it's genuine, and she usually lights up. It really does feel like my mere presence irritates her sometimes. I don’t really compliment her when she’s in that mood anyway.