It's complicated: she's pushed me to my limit, but can we reconnect?

[Let'sTalk]

Hi everyone, I want to share my experience with a very good friend of mine that suffers from BPD. I should note that this is going to be a long post. I am also sorry if this story seems vague, the relationship between me and her is very complicated and i'm very emotional at the moment.

I met her about 6 years ago at school, we were both 16 years old at the time. We did not become close until about 4 years ago when we started texting each other for some reason, we would text until 6 in the morning talking about whatever came to mind. This was the time I fell in love with her, she had a boyfriend at the time so I knew things could not work and I had to let go of those feelings. This was also around the time my father passed away, she helped me a lot during that time and she was the person I shared most of my feelings with. Our friendship suffered because of her boyfriend who was emotionally abusive towards her, he was about 6 or 7 years older than her and at the time she was 17 or 18. This ultimately led to us losing contact for some time, we would talk maybe once a month or every few months but that was it. Her boyfriend would cheat on her and she would keep going back to him, which was hard to see because I care about her so very dearly.

A point came where she had enough of the relationship and she broke up with him. This was about 2 years ago. From that point on our friendship recovered and we would text each other throughout the day every day. She also has a condition called Body Dysmorphic Disorder which is one of the reasons she is very insecure about her looks, I should say that she is literally the most beautiful person I have ever known and it’s hard for me, or anyone else for that matter to imagine that someone who is so beautiful could think she is the ugliest person in the world (her words). Her insecurities were one of the reasons why she was not comfortable seeing me in person so our friendship would be mostly digital, it was very real nonetheless.

About 3 months ago we would meet in person for the first time in 3 years. I was extremely nervous and I’m pretty sure was too. We had an amazing time.
A few days after she confessed she had feelings for me, I couldn’t believe it and was overjoyed. The next time we met was a few weeks later. I’ve never had a girlfriend, she was the only person I’ve ever been interested in. because of the long friendship we didn’t want to lose and the fact that I had no previous experience with a relationship was one of the reasons I took it slow, I figured we would have time work on it.

She told me the day after she did not feel very loved and that I didn’t open up about my feelings, I am someone who keeps a lot of stuff inside but for her I wanted to try and change that. A week went by, out of nowhere she texted me she was interested in someone else. I was heartbroken of course, how could someone change their mind so quickly? What could I have done differently, and would it have mattered? She told me that our friendship was extremely important to her and that she could not bear to lose me. After a very emotional night and a conversation with my mother I decided that despite the situation our friendship was too important to lose so I stayed. We would hang out a few times after this and have a very good time.

2 weeks after the whole thing happened she had another outburst saying she made a mistake and that she wanted to be with me, she said I’ve always seen you as the father of my children and so on. However she said she couldn’t be with me because she was getting into a relationship with the other guy. All of the mixed feelings she sent my way made me so confused. I wanted nothing more than to be with her, all of her friends know I care deeply about her, so does her family. I met her mother not too long ago. I’ve given her all I could give.

She also cuts herself, which happened more often the last few weeks. She would text me saying she was sad, I would not hear from her for 10 minutes and then suddenly she would tell me that she hurt herself. She would say I could not text her sister or she would never talk to me again (she gave me her number for emergencies like this). I asked her about this self-harming behavior and she would downplay it, saying she did not want to kill herself, that she tried when she was younger but not anymore.

Lately I have felt neglected as a friend. She chose the other guy, which hurt, but the friendship I have with her is incredibly important to me and I didn’t want to lose it. The other guy (maybe rightfully so, didn’t like the idea of her having a male friend, especially since he knows there were other feelings involved). So she started to give me less and less attention. The hours of conversation, talking about even the smallest details about each other’s lives turned into not hearing from her in about a week only to check in on me to see if I was okay.


Yesterday she wanted to hang out, so I changed all my plans, only to have her cancel on me because she can’t live with the guilt. It seems as though she does not want to hurt the other guy, but has no problem hurting me. The worst part is that I know about her BPD and I know she does not want to hurt me, but it seems like her empathetic personality is nowhere to be found nowadays. I don’t know how she really feels about me, I have tried to do research on BPD, I’ve read two books and watched countless videos. I have started to see a therapist to deal with my own emotions and try to understand how to cope with hers. I want to support her, I kept swallowing my pride because I love her so much. But yesterday she pushed me over the edge.

I have decided to more or less end our friendship. I want to help her, but she won’t let me in anymore. She’s probably as, if not more confused. I know that the abuse in her childhood and past relationships made her the way she is now. It just feels like one moment she loves me, and the next she doesn’t. I still want to be her friend but I just can’t right now. I don’t blame her for the way she has treated me, because I know she does not mean it, she probably hates herself for doing it. I don’t want this to be the end, but should it ever work between us, I needed to show that I have feelings too and that she pushed me to my limit. I just have so many mixed feelings because of everything we have been through and honestly she never really did anything to hurt me until these last few months. She keeps telling me that she will always love me and that I can always contact her despite me wanting to end the friendship. I did not really want to end it, but she made it seem like the only option. It’s just so unfortunate. These last few months made me so insecure about what she thinks of me. I get the feeling that she does not care about me the way I thought she did. I know she appreciates that I have always been there for her but it seems so difficult for her to show me. I know the BPD and the impulsivity is not her fault. Her rapid mood swings and emotions just seem so rational at times, you would think someone with a mental disorder would be like a lunatic, to use harsh words, but she makes it seem so normal.

Does anyone have a similar experience dealing with a situation like this? is there hope for a future where we can reconnect? Does anyone have any advice or comforting words?

Thank you for taking the time to read this

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[pearlsw]

Hi Let'sTalk,



Sorry for the pain you've experienced in this friendship. Do you two live far away from each other? Is that part of the issue as well? Or she is in the same area, but just doesn't let you see her?

Also, have you decided to end the friendship or actually ended it? Is it possible you could adjust to a lighter level of friendship with her?

For what it's worth it is hard to be friends with someone when you want more and can't keep those feelings in check - for anyone, not just people with BPD or those who love them. I know you feel hurt, but all things considered, if she is in a romantic relationship with someone else she does have to prioritize that over her relationship with you. It is not automatic or easy to be able to have friends of the gender(s) you are interested in while involved with someone.

wishing you the best, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Let'sTalk and joining pearlsw in welcoming you. I'm also sad to hear that this relationship has not proceeded the way you hoped and that it is difficult to support your friend.

Seconding pearlsw on friendships with people you have feelings for. I'm a little ahead of you age wise and spent most of my teens and twenties focusing a lot of time and energy on people who either did not want to be with me, did with not want to commit to me, or treated me as a boyfriend substitute when things were not going well in their relationship. You show tremendous compassion in terms of your caring for your friend. I'm certain there is someone who will fully appreciate and love that part of you without hesitation.

Also mentioning that this kind of appreciation is something you are unlikely to receive in a BPD relationship. I am 11 years into my relationship with my wife, who is BPD, and am just now realizing that she will never truly appreciate the incredible love and compassion I have given her., both as a person and as a sufferer of a mental illness.

My advice is to you (and myself at 22) is to commit yourself first to loving yourself and knowing all the good things inside of you, and committing yourself to the person who loves and sees the same things. They will find you.

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld
 

[pearlsw]

I'm a little ahead of you age wise and spent most of my teens and twenties focusing a lot of time and energy on people who either did not want to be with me, did with not want to commit to me, or treated me as a boyfriend substitute when things were not going well in their relationship. You show tremendous compassion in terms of your caring for your friend. I'm certain there is someone who will fully appreciate and love that part of you without hesitation.

Hi Let'sTalk,

I think Roland of Eid pinpointed something important here. I had never really considered it this way, but there are a probably a lot of people who do this - use someone as a "boyfriend/girlfriend substitute" who they would likely never actually date. Just something to consider going forward.

She did express some interest in you, but somehow there were some emotional issues that she sensed, or even more likely, she was already interested in someone else and her feelings for him were already more developed, had gotten further along, it sounds like.

I do not have Body Dysmorphic Order, but I can understand, I think, a little about how someone could feel that way. People will say nice things to me about my appearance, but I... .don't see why they talk like that! It is nice so I try to let it go. I think a lot of women consciously or unconsciously, with all the beauty industry and society put us on in terms of our appearance, don't feel as well about their looks as they should.

I know I grew up in a world where only people from a certain background, that I am not from, were considered attractive in the world, well, in the popular media... .and boys were not at all interested in me when I was young because I did not fit this mold. I made up for lost time later, so no worries.  So anyway, there can be lots of reasons for this. I would say nice things to her, but not go overboard in focusing attention on it. If I was single, I would wish more guys would compliment other things about me than my appearance so perhaps with her, or other women, try to find a mix of things to talk positively about other than just her looks.

wishing you the best, pearl.