Accepting the situation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My oartner has called our relationship off and I'm trying to cone to terms with what his behaviour was over the last 5 years. I think it was BPD or NPD so am just in a reading, learning and understanding phase.

[BreatheFirst]

My oartner has called our relationship off and I'm trying to cone to terms with what his behaviour was over the last 5 years. I think it was BPD or NPD so am just in a reading, learning and understanding phase.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi BreatheFirst and welcome to the site 

It's great that you found us.  Take a good look around and read all you can here.
 The articles, lessons and tools come from reliable sources.  It is also helpful to read and join others' threads.  Can you tell us how long it has been since you broke up and how/why did it come about?

Love and light x

[spero]

Hi BreatheFirst,

I'd like to join Harley Quinn in welcoming you to the community. I'm really sorry that he has called of the relationship, and this must really be heartbreaking for you. Could you elaborate more about what made you come to the possible conclusion that it is BPD or NPD?

Yours,
Spero.

[BreatheFirst]

Thanks for the warm welcome. Its been about 6 weeks. We had an argument and during it I said to him "stop being abusive". He was yelling at me and bringing things up from years ago. He then said that he couldn't live with someone who thought he was abusive. He moved out a week later.

I have been trying to work out over the last year or so of our relationship what is off about his behaviour. He rages, gives me the silent treatment and blows up about petty things like cleaning in the house and where I put things. He withdraws affection and sulks like he is punishing me. He has broken it off a few times then wants to get back together.

We did some couples counselling and he admitted that he tests me to prove I love him. He seems very angry under the surface too. Some of the behaviours of BPD and NPD seem to match. I am trying to understand what I have been dealing with.

[Harley Quinn]

Yes, the majority of us seem to come here seeking understanding so you're certainly in the right place as many of us found it.  How much have you read about BPD?  We have some great articles here, including the clinical information, to the right of your screen.  I'd encourage you to take a look and we will of course recommend those which have been most helpful to us around specific questions you might have. 

How are you feeling about things?  What is the situation between you at present?

Love and light x

[spero]

Hey there breathefirst,

Sorry to hear about your situaion although you've been trying to work it out over the past year. Has the situation improved over couples counselling? Did your therapist give you pointers on how to de-escalate tension during your arguments or grounding techniques?

Has your counsellor or T also made any comments or observations about his behaviour, reponses or body language? It might also be good to have a second opinion especially if your current T or counsellor may not be specialised in personality disorders.

I would like to echo Harley Quinn, we do have some good articles and tools on the site and perhaps those would give you deeper insight to your situation.

Yours,
Spero

[BreatheFirst]

Sorry, I should have clarified the couples counselling was last year prior to this break up. He called off the counselling without any consultation with me. I had no choice in it.

I did ask the counsellor at the time if he thought it was BPD but he basically dismissed it saying I was over analysing the situation. At the time I thought the therapy was helping but it was very slow going and my partner couldn't take the criticism when I was trying to state my thoughts and feelings.

At the moment there is no dialogue except for about the kids. I am starting to feel sad and I miss him. I want the good parts back but not all the drama, the hostile vibe, the cheating and the competition he made between him and me over trivial stuff. I doubt we could just have a coffee together. I miss talking to him. I'm feeling a bit lost and don't know where to head next.

[Mutt]

Hi Breathefirst,

I think that a good initial step for you would be to read about BPD - the benefits will be twofold. You don’t know what he has it sounds like he has BPD traits it will help you sort out your experience. The other thing that will help you is it will help you heal your wounds by understanding why a pwBPD a t the way that they do.

You mentioned kids, how many kids do you have? How old are they?

[Harley Quinn]

At the moment there is no dialogue except for about the kids. I am starting to feel sad and I miss him. I want the good parts back but not all the drama, the hostile vibe, the cheating and the competition he made between him and me over trivial stuff. I doubt we could just have a coffee together. I miss talking to him. I'm feeling a bit lost and don't know where to head next.

Feeling sad and missing our ex partner after a breakup is to be expected but that doesn't make it any easier.  Unfortunately the only way out is through.  :)o you have supportive friends and family you can spend time with when you are feeling like you need to talk and let out some of that sadness or to have a happy distraction?  

I think most of us would still be with our partners if it weren't for the bad parts.  That's the toughest thing - the fact that they also have such good qualities.  It helps to remember that the bad aspects come as part of the package and are not going anywhere without acknowledgement on their part and a great deal of work.  

We generally recommend that self care is a good strategy to help you through the grief.  What are you doing that you enjoy or that soothes you?  :)o you do any fun activities with the kids?  I found that being really present with my S4 gave me a welcome break from the pain and confusion.  Keep posting and join others' threads.  There is a lot of experience and understanding here.  

Love and light x

[BreatheFirst]

Thanks again everyone... .so glad to have found this space to help me.

To answer some of the replies... .the counsellor/therapist did note some of his behaviours and the body language.  The T however kept saying to me that I needed to notice his body language as I talk and the fact that he was reacting to me.  It was like I was responsible for my partners reactions to my words whereas I saw it that my partner was not listening to me.  We never got around to turning it to the fact that my partner was not hearing me or validating me. I was kind of told that I should know that my partner had "heard" me.

we did get to talk about filters and how my partner and I were both processing things.  My partner also tarred me with the same brush as his ex-wife.  I felt that I was continually battling some unknown demons of all sorts (childhood, ex-wife, personality, etc).

... .and we have 2 children - 2 year old twins.

[BreatheFirst]

Thanks Harley Quinn for your words, especially about the only way is through and that the bad aspects of the package require work on his part.

I know he thinks he had changed but he stated saying that the behaviour was continuing because I wasn't changing and holding up my part of the bargain but I don't think we ever got to what I needed to do.  Except that I had to not nag him, trust him and basically do what he wanted. There did not feel to be intimacy, compromise and respect for me.

I am trying to do as much self-care as I can but the anxiety is debilitating.  He has recently pulled pretty much all his financial contributions to the household (including his half of the mortgage) so the stress alone is making it hard for me to function.  I try every day to keep going for my girls but have to resist the urge just to lie down.  Its very hard. You have it so right - the pain and confusion are making my head spin and not able to focus.

I am so grateful for this site.  It helps to read examples of behaviours as I see the commonalities which reduced the confusion for me and helps me to have a reality check and know its not me.