New to learning about BPD- it may be the wake up call I'm looking for

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm reading through "Walking on Eggshells", and it quickly became very clear I am in a relationship with a person with BPD.  I'm turning 38 next week, been married for 10 years and we have 2 young boys 4 & 7.
Due to what I perceived as my wife's inexcusable behavior.  I have fallen pretty hard out of love for her, and yes, I am tolerating my marriage for my family.
I also realize that I am largely at fault.  Without going into specifics, I have tolerated this behavior and for years have not properly confronted my wife or set proper boundaries.
I'm afraid for myself, and my kids.  I initially believed taht maybe understanding her and making her feel safe might be the answer, but i'm beginning to believe she will always manipulate and that leaving her may be the only way she will ever change.  If i dont, I feel that things will only get worse for not only me, but our kids.  Really not sure what to do at this point, but wanted to come here as a starting point.  Need a place to talk things out.   - M from Sacramento

[polarbearspirit]

I'm reading through "Walking on Eggshells", and it quickly became very clear I am in a relationship with a person with BPD.  I'm turning 38 next week, been married for 10 years and we have 2 young boys 4 & 7.
Due to what I perceived as my wife's inexcusable behavior.  I have fallen pretty hard out of love for her, and yes, I am tolerating my marriage for my family.
I also realize that I am largely at fault.  Without going into specifics, I have tolerated this behavior and for years have not properly confronted my wife or set proper boundaries.
I'm afraid for myself, and my kids.  I initially believed taht maybe understanding her and making her feel safe might be the answer, but i'm beginning to believe she will always manipulate and that leaving her may be the only way she will ever change.  If i dont, I feel that things will only get worse for not only me, but our kids.  Really not sure what to do at this point, but wanted to come here as a starting point.  Need a place to talk things out.   - M from Sacramento

[formflier]

polarbearspirit



I'm so glad that you have found us and so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in.  I want to assure you that you have found a place where people understand and have lived through experiences like yours.

 
I also realize that I am largely at fault.  Without going into specifics, I have tolerated this behavior and for years have not properly confronted my wife or set proper boundaries.


   Really not sure what to do at this point, but wanted to come here as a starting point.  Need a place to talk things out.   - M from Sacramento

I understand what you mean about "largely at fault".  Can I suggest that you shift your thinking... .just a bit... .from "fault" to "responsible for your part of the relationship".

Also... .be kind to yourself, especially as you realize there are lots of things you didn't know and wish you knew a lot earlier.

As far as what to do now.  Keep posting.  Look to the right and click on "choosing a path".  Read it a couple times.  Make notes... post your questions.

Talking things out is a wise move!

This will seem like a firehose information for a while.  "Be kind to yourself" (you will hear that often).

So... .first question to respond to:  What led you to read SWOE?  

Best to you... .we can help.

FF

[AskingWhy]

polarbearspirit, the "Eggshells" book is a marvelous guide, and I am in the process of rereading it.

Much of it will make sense to you.

Now that you are open to the issues of BPD, you will be better prepared to interact with your H.

[Cat Familiar]

Please tell us more about your relationship, polarbearspirit. It's good that you're seeing your part in the deterioration of the relationship, but as formflier has said, you needn't blame yourself. Being in a relationship with a person who has BPD (pwBPD) is challenging at best, completely unnerving and excruciating at worst.

What I came to realize when I landed here a few years ago was that I needed to change the way I communicated with my husband. I think it would have been fine if he were emotionally healthy, but he's not. So I've learned a lot about changing how I speak with him. At first, I was rather resentful. I felt like he was the one with the problem, so why should I jump through hoops trying to manage him? Why can't he just get it together?

The more I learned, the more compassion I had for him. He had a very tough upbringing with an extremely abusive father and it definitely left a mark on him emotionally. As smart as he is, he's emotionally stunted, and when upset, reacts very much like a child.

There's much to learn here and even if you two end up splitting, you still will need to co-parent your children, so what you will pick up here will make your life so much easier. Please take a look at the sidebar here, if you haven't already, and keep posting more of your story.

Cat

[polarbearspirit]

Thank you to everyone who responded.  When I have a longer moment I'll get a bit more into my story.  I've become a little numb, and I'm trying to dig myself out.  I'll get the most damning part of my situation out of the way first... .  Out of the unhappiness and hopelessness in my marriage I dabbled in a few online dating sites.  Lied about being married, but not sure what I was really hoping to get out of it.  Made a connection with someone across the country, talked through a lot of things and I ultimately came clean with the woman.  The woman was very empathetic to my situation, and told me it sounded like BPD.  She has a BPD mother, had taken years of therapy for it.  Showed me some articles that made my jaw drop.  The more I read, the more I realized my wife had all the signs of BPD.  I began therapy, and my therapist recommended the eggshells book.  I'm still reading through it.  I've realized I also havent done my part in the relationship and theres been so much damage done, and right now the love isnt there any more.  I havent found the courage to talk these details out with someone real in my life so I'm coming here this time instead of dating websites.  Hopefully find the courage to bring it up with someone close to me soon. Being  honest with myself has been a challenge in my life so Im coming here in order to be better.  Maybe build compassion for my wife again rather than just tolerate our marriage for our family.   Thanks again everyone for reading, just a little bit of my story.

[Red5]

Hello Polarbearspirit & Welcome !

You have found a good and safe place to come to, learn, and as well vent.

We all found our way here one way or another, so now you are here and in good company.

We all share similar stories, and circumstances, we all want you to know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing, or else feeling in your own marriage relationship.

I would suggest that you now learn all that you can about borderline personality disorder (BPD), there is much to learn and understand… over time, with good knowledge and the resources (tools) that are presented here, you may well come to a point to where you are better able to persevere in your marriage, and as well get to a point of calm and peace of mind.

I was “lost in this” when I came here about a year and a half ago now… I was “at my wits end”… and ready to give up, and then I found this website; and this place has helped me immensely to better understand what I was, and still am dealing with in my own marriage relationship.

Travel around here on this board and others, navigate; and read what others are experiencing and going through, it is an eye opener as you wrote above…

(She) Showed me some articles that made my jaw drop.  The more I read, the more I realized my wife had all the signs of BPD. 

Here is a link ( a start) that you may find helpful, which is at the top of this “conflicted board”…
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0

One of the biggest things that helped me get back to a normal(?), well at least safer… emotional footing was to understand boundaries, and thus to stop, or else derail the seemingly endless barrages on my own self-worth by my BPD wife (she is undiagnosed)… as I said, I was pretty beat up when I came here, I wanted answers as to why my wife was acting, and behaving the way she was…

I will close for now, but I will repeat the line about knowledge, learn all you can, read, read, and read some more about BPD, and the effects of, probable causes why, and how you may be able to deal with them in your marriage… learn terms like validation, empathy, and support… learn about JADE, and SET (acronyms),

I will tell you it’s not an easy road, or path… in fact it’s pretty dark sometimes, but many of us here have found our way through this BPD phenomena… and are making it, and you can too!

Keep posting and telling us more, tell us about what you are dealing with; and experiencing on a daily basis, and there are many here who may be able to help you through… this was true for me.

Best wishes, and hang in there Polarbearspirit, .and again welcome !

Red5