I am becoming a grandma. My BPD mom is flaring up big time

[twinklefaery]

I am going to become a grandma for the first time any day. My BPD mother lives many states away. I am an only child and have been living a light contact relationship with huge walls constructed by me with pretty good success.  My mom does not have a relationship with my kids.  She was never in their lives due to her own periods of no contact over any perceived slight.  

Although she has no relationship with my kids, she DEMANDS that they respect her (her biggie) as the “head of the family” and recently has demanded that I get my kids to have a relationship with her.  She openly is faulting me for not raising them right.  They don’t adequately thank her for gifts.  They don’t call her, etc-all because she says I kept them from doing these things.

All of this is, of course, completely skewed and untrue.  My 21 year old son is having a baby, due yesterday.  This situation has whipped my mom up into a frenzy.  She is being incredibly demanding, and acting as if this grabdchild is her sun and moon.  As with every single solitary other important event in my life, my mom is utterly ruining it and making it all about her.

I don’t know why it has taken me by such surprise.  But it has.  I never dreamed she would take this situation and make it about her.  There is so much - it’s too complicated to even explain it all... .she keeps sending gifts, and I have asked her to stop.  They come with a huge price.  My son’s girlfriend has become her absolute obsession.  She has never met her, but is direct messaging her, stalking her every social media move.  My son’s girfriend is SO uncomfortable.  My mom is at the same time in MY ear telling me the girlfriend isn’t being thankful enough for the gifts she is sending.  

She is getting on a plane (uninvited) in a couple weeks to come see the baby.  I am beside myself.  It should be the most blessed, beautiful time in my son’s life, and my husband and mine, but I am incredibly activated and anxious, and trying to keep my mom calm and out of my son’s hair.  Unsuccessfully.  He is like: mom, she is a stranger.  I have nothing I owe her.  Which makes ME fret because he will totally say that to her if she comes, and that FREAKS me out.  My mom would probably kill herself if he says that.

I don’t know what to do.  Years of carefully constructed walls are being obliterated before my eyes.  I feel helpless and hopeless.  I want her to just go away!

[Kwamina]

Hi twinklefaery

It has been many years since you last posted here, welcome back and congrats on the upcoming grandbaby

I am sorry you are feeling so anxious at the moment. That indeed is not a pleasant way to be feeling at what could be a very joyous time. You say your mother lives many states a way. What kind of contact do you have with her now and how often do you have contact? Do you have contact via telephone, text, email, social media etc.?

My mom would probably kill herself if he says that.

Are you just speaking metaphorically here or has suicidal ideation been a real issue for your mother?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[twinklefaery]

Hi there.  Yes, it has been several years since posting.  Edited to add: thank for the warm welcome back!  I don’t know about others, but I go through times where I tuck BPD away in a box and stuff it down into a corner in an unused closet and try to ignore it.

My contact with my mom is by phone, text, and social media.  The last time I saw her in person was probably four years ago.  I have huge, strict boundaries, and have been relatively successful keeping them in place. I honestly also thought my mom had mellowed a little.  I am finding that is not the case.

She has past patterns of somewhat calm and normal followed by super unstable, paranoid, aggressive, mean, burn her relationships to the ground periods.  She will cut contact for 6 months to two years.  I let her go and never chase after (I used to!  It was a sick dance we did with me begging her to come back into my life and not be mad).  

It has been several years now of relative calm.  My son having a baby has re-aqakened EVERYTHING.  It is strange (and also not) to see the same exact buzz words and triggers for her (you will respect me; you are all horribly ungreatful; I demand your attention... .)

My son’s pregnancy has awakened this delusional picture she has in her head that she has a close relationship with my son and should be granted this elevated roll of importance in this pregnancy and birth.  My poor son’s girlfriend doesn’t know how to handle it because unless you have experience w/BPD, it’s just soo out there.

Suicide has been attempted once when I was younger - timed for me to find her when my dad (her ex) brought me home from a weekend visit.  Thank God he was slow to pull out of the driveway - I ran screaming out and he came in and called 911and helped me.  I was 12.

A coulle weeks ago on the phone she casually mentioned she has a stocked supply of pills for “when she decidesto kill herself”.

Part of MY healing in growth is to not be triggered by threats of suicide anymore - or other threats.  I am utterly steadfast in that wall.  I will not react.  I will not beg.  I will not run to you.

So, color me shocked when, after years of strength and successful barriers and walls of protection, I am helplessly watching them crumble before my eyes.  I am being triggered hugely, I am fretting and back to being that worrisome little girl trying so hard to make everything smooth and allright.

I am really, really, really angry with her, but also with myself.  Am I really going to let her barrell into this precious, special time and do what she does?

When she comes to visit, there is ZERO chance it will liveup to her delusional expectations and I will have to deal with the fallout for months if not years.  She is relentless, and has zero self-realization.  None.  Nada.  She is 75 and will never, ever mellow and I am an utter fool for having been deluded into thinking she has.

I fully expect a suicide attemp, or at leat threat, soon after her visit.

For her own sanity she needs to not come.  She is the great grandmother to two strangers who are the parents.  They will visit with her, but I know she expects 24/7 access to them and the baby for her entire visit.  She doesn’t care that people have jobs and lives.  I have been down this path, and I know exactly where it leads.  

I am lost.  

[zachira]

I am sorry that your mother is flaring up big time with her demands that she be part of her great grandchild's life even though your family has had low contact with her for several years. It is sad  and frustrating how a person with BPD will latch on any way they can, and from my personal experience all descendants seem to be the property of the person with BPD. I think you are shocked at what has happened, and most people would be. It may be better to not tell your mother anything about her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, as the person BPD will often create drama and unbearable situations for others from any information he/she receives about family members. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

[Turkish]

Does she know where your son lives?

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on being a grandma!

I can relate to how you are feeling. We had long ago stopped including my BPD mother in family events because of her behavior and the stress involved in dealing with her. Then a while back, she decided to get on a plane and fly to an extended family get together, after decades of her not travelling. I was shocked and then stressed at the idea. When I visit her, I drive to see her- I have some control knowing I can come and go when I please. When she's travelling on her own, she's in control. I was dreading seeing her. She also has her phrases- " I insist! you WILL do this! and in relation to my kids " I want to see MY grandchildren" ( they stay politely distant from her). She did make the situation all about her because she makes every situation all about her.

I had to come to grips with what I could control and what I could not. Basically she's an adult, and I have no control over if she decides to buy a plane ticket and go anywhere. I could state my feelings about it, but that doesn't matter to her. She does what she does. Since she had been invited , all I could control was how to deal with it and keep boundaries. I have also taught my children that they are allowed to have their boundaries with her.

Your son can do this too. It is his baby. He can control who sees the newborn or not. Many new parents choose to restrict visitors to a newborn to reduce the risk of any infection from well meaning visitors who may have a cold. They ask visitors to wash their hands before picking up the child. Newborns are pretty hardy ( they come home to older siblings who are all over them) but some families prefer that extended family and friends wait to see the baby until later.

It is also a time for him and his girlfriend to bond as a family and adjust. She may be exhausted. The baby is also up at night and they will be tired.

They have every right to decide who can visit them at this time and see the new baby.  In fact, it is better for him to step up and set the boundary, not you. Consider the drama triangle- if you step in and make the decision, it becomes a triangle.

I understand the suicide threat. My mother has had several suicide attempts that failed over the years. I am sure this is one reason my ( now deceased ) father was afraid to stand up to her at times. When he passed away and we ( her kids) realized she was alone we were concerned about this. We would not want this to happen, but we also realized that unless one of us was willing to be with her 24/7 we could not control what she did. We also didn't want her to manipulate us with fear, so we decided that if she did threaten, we would call 911. ( we don't live close enough to be able to intervene quickly). This takes the power of the threat away- we don't cave to her demands, but we take the consideration seriously. I also have to make peace with the idea that I don't have control over her. I hope and pray she doesn't do something like that but I can't control her.

Let's say your mother appears. Where is she staying? How long is she staying? What can you do to make your life easier when she is there? What boundaries/self care can you do to take care of yourself? 

People with BPD want the same things that other people do. In her age group, people spend time with, and talk about their grand kids. Grand kids are the light of their lives and it makes sense that my mother would want that too. The problem is, if you want a great relationship with your grand kids, it's not a good idea to abuse their mother. That's the part neither of our mothers think about. My mother actually thinks she can bypass me, get to the grand kids  and have her own relationship with them, but they are on to her. Of course she is going to want to see the baby. The issue is her behavior- how can that be managed?

This is a major milestone and event for you and your son and his girlfriend. Even if mother appears, consider that she isn't going to be there for the long run. This is a special event for you, but it is also one that will last for years. Your mother can not take the relationship with your son's new family away from you. Also, give your son and his GF some credit. They are very young, but they are parents now. They have the ability to stand up for their child and decide how to handle visitors. You can support them in having their boundaries.

[Gifthorse]

I know exactly what you are going through because my mother is exactly the same. And like you said, they will never change! I visited my BPD mum recently after 14 years of No contact and it was like not a day had gone by. It took her one day to to get back to her controlling ways and to guilt me for breaking all contact with her. She had not changed but I had and there was no way I was going back to a relationship that would only make me totally miserable... .I understand the guilt you are feeling because I did for many years too. It´s what they taught us to do... .What worked so well for me was hypnosis! It´s hard to explain but somehow it took the guilt away... .I realised I am not to blame for her being the way she is. I still pity her but I will take no more abuse from her. If she wants to end it all, well that is her decision and in a way it might be the best thing for her... .It´s like putting a suffering animal out of its misery. And if I was you I would not let her near your son and daughter in law because they deserve better than that. Sorry to sound cruel but you get to the point when you realise there is nothing good coming out of situations like these... .Good luck with whatever you choose!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back.     Congratulations on your soon to be grand baby!

It is time for all of you to go back to setting boundaries.  Saying no, setting limits, none of it is cruel.  Your mother is responsible for her feelings.  Avoiding triggering them is not going to work.  She will respond as usual, with rage, push back and threats.  That is on her.  Your son and DIL are the ones who need to set limits around their child.  You need to set limits around you, your home, etc. 

There is a lot of triangulation going on there.  Don't allow yourself to get caught up in it. 

Notwendy asked some great questions.  Where will she be staying when she comes?  Hopefully in a hotel?

This is going to be tough for you but you have set boundaries before.  You can do it again.  Boundaries are not about avoiding behaviors or controlling how someone else reacts.  You can work through your own responses as you say no to your mother.  She will push back.  You can't stop that.  You can work on how you respond.  It will probably be upsetting not just because of how your mother is, but also because it is different than you are used to.  You will have to fight your own tendencies to avoid and appease so it is going to feel weird and even wrong.

It isn't wrong though.  We can help you with this.

[twinklefaery]

Thank you all.  There is some really, really great questions, food for thought, and excellent advice given here.  Mostly, though, you guys have strengthened my resolve to try really hard to keep this as healthy for myself (and my son and his girlfriend) as I possibly can.  I do feel a huge responsibility to shield my son and his girlfriend.  He (or she) doesn’t have exposure to her or BPD, so I don’t think it’s fair to inflict my problems into his life or his special time. 

When she comes, she will stay in a hotel.  She has asked for hotels nearby and I have not yet responded. 

They are in labor right now and my mom is already being a nightmare.  My stomach is twisted in knots.  This sucks. 

[Notwendy]

I hope you have not told your mother that the GF is in labor. I didn’t tell my parents when I was in labor. I didn’t want to deal with anyone at that point. Of course I did tell them when a baby as born.

But you don’t need to tell your mother right away. You can be there alone with baby first.

Thank goodness she’s staying in a hotel. My mother prefers to do that too. I’m grateful.

While my mother wanted to see her grandkids she also got tired of it - kids acting up or babies just eating and sleeping. She would come over for a while - eat dinner- then say she was tired and want to leave. She’s not a hands on grandma ( or mother ). My mother tends to have ideas about things - they rarely meet her expectations.

Take care of yourself. If mother comes - I hope it’s more peaceful than you fear it may be.

[zachira]

How exciting that your daughter-in-law is in labor! Congratulations! Notwendy has given some thoughtful advice about not telling your mother the baby is here right away so you can have some time to enjoy being a grandmother. I would add to this that you might wait a couple of weeks, and then tell you mother when she asks not just volunteer this information. One of your biggest challenges right now is to limit the kind of information you give to your mother because the more she learns about your family members, the more problems she can cause later on.
I admire your courage and how you are dealing with this difficult situation. For all of us on this site who have a BPD mom, we feel for you, and are hoping you will enjoy your grandchild and somehow find ways to be less impacted by your mother wanting to be a part of this! I am praying she just loses interest once the baby is born.
Take care. We would love to hear about how you are enjoying your beautiful grandchild and hope that everything with your mother will go much better than expected.

[Harri]

Hi twinkle!  Let us know about your grand baby!  Try to put your mom out of your head and just enjoy.

[twinklefaery]

Hi, guys.  Sorry for my delay in responding.  I have been overwhelmed.  Coming back to this board, I have since lurked and read and read and read.  I’ve wanted to post my thoughts and experiences, and to lend my support to others who are suffering, but I’m daunted and overwhelmed. 

I did not realize HOW MUCH and how deeply I had packed BPD away in the recesses of my mind.  Don’t get me wrong, my mom is still BPD and difficult this whole time, but I was trying to ignore it.  I don’t think that’s healthy, but it’s what I’ve been doing.

This grandbaby has inflamed her and she’s made it impossible for me to ignore it – because she’s roaring with dysfunction and crazy right now. 

The grandbaby is heaven.  My mom is being utterly crazy.  She is acting so inappropriately about the situation.  She has a WAY inflated sense of what this means in her life.  She was texting me non-stop asking for photos, even though I had told my mom multiple times that at first I would not have really great access to my grandson (long dumb story - my son’s girlfriend’s mother hates our family, and they are living with her at first because it’s her mom, and she’s young and needs that support after just having a baby.  And I get it, and I would never pressure her for more access to my grandson, or put her in the middle of her dumb mom and me.  It was really, really hard, but the high road was the only road I’ll take for the sake of her, my grandson, and my son.  Even though I had to hold myself back from getting wound up and worried about never seeing him, I just kept telling myself I know I have a lifetime with my grandson, and I know the high road always wins.   

PS – the access to my grandson has greatly increased, as I trusted it would, once his mom healed from labor and got more into the grove of being a new mom.  We see them very, very often and they are even going to live part time with us.  I’m just over the moon with being a grandmom.  He is just utter perfection

[twinklefaery]

here is the rest (hope this works)

So back to MY crazy mom… As mentioned, the first couple weeks of his life, I only got to see him twice for 15-30 minutes each time.  Yet my mom was text-bombing me every day, multiple times a day for news, photos, etc.  Finally I got a little terse and said (paraphrased) – “this is really hard for me.  I am dying because I don’t have access to him.  You know this – why do you keep asking me for photos, etc.?  I send them to you when I can.”

Even with this, she was posting 3 times a day on FB about her “sweet great-grandson” – posting pics she was taking from my son’s girlfriend’s FB page, etc.  Stalking son’s GF’s page liking every single solitary post, photo, etc. – digging deep into her archives, liking everything.  Utterly inappropriate and bizarre.  She accepted her friend request and immediately regretting it.  She’s feeling completely awkward about this intrusion, and I feel HORRIBLE that she’s having to deal with my crazy mom.
On HER page, my mom is posting things like “I’ve just sat and cried for hours over my joy for this new grandbaby in my life…”  It’s literally insane – I can’t describe it, because I don’t even understand it.  It was all SO fake and manufactured, and honestly, I don’t get why she thinks this is such a huge deal in HER life?  She lives 15 hours away and never, ever, ever has had a relationship with my kids.

Someone started a thread about FB and BPD – and it is something I can’t even express how much I relate to.  FB has been an issue for some time.  For years my mom would call me crying because my kids won’t friend-accept her.  She’s been doing this for years.   My kids are 20 and 21, and do not accept family members as friends other than me and my husband because they’re dumb and young and don’t want to be judged by family.  I’ve told my mom that 90,000 times – that it’s not her, it’s their age, and they do not accept family as friends on FB.

Now my mom is direct-messaging my son’s GF.  Often.  It is so uncomfortable, and dragging this poor girl into this completely dysfunctional situation.  Son’s GF doesn’t know how to respond or what to say to her.  The last message:  “I’m coming to KS to visit my great-grandson, and to finally meet my grown-up grandson who I have never met if that is okay with you and your mother.  I will be staying at a hotel.  I can’t wait to meet you.” 

First, I live in MO.  I’ve told my mom that literally 90 billion times.  She knows it, because she’s been here many times, addresses letters to me, etc.  Yet always says we live in KS.  That’s a total side bar, but it’s baffling to me.  I don’t really care, it’s just so, so bizarre. 

Second, she’s built this scenario in her head that I have actively kept her out of my children’s lives, and caused her to not know them.  None of that is true.  My mom has walked away from me scores of times in my life, sometimes for years at a time.  She is the one who created the chasm.  She never reached out to them or tried to know them.  She takes zero responsibility. 

Second, the last she told me, she was not going to come to visit, because of the lack of access to my grandson.  Her words: “I’m no longer coming because I’m already too depressed to get out of bed and that would just be too much for me to handle.  I’m heartbroken that I do not get to meet my great-grandson.”  Sigh.  I never told her she couldn’t see him – I just told her I wasn’t able to see him regularly right after he was born and she turned this into a tragedy and something directed against HER.  She literally said “what have I ever done to this girl’s mother!” ?  So FRUSTRATING.

All of this is taking me down into a rabbit hole of stuff I’ve been ignoring and had packed away deep inside of myself.  I’m now having to confront all of this mess and dysfunction.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I’m not doing well with it.  I don’t want my poor family to have to deal with this BS. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again twinklefaery and thanks for this update

The grandbaby is heaven.

That's great news, congrats on the grandbaby

... .my son’s girlfriend’s mother hates our family

Why do you believe your son's girlfriend's mother hates your family? Has she expressed this sentiment?

Your own mother's behavior unfortunately continues to be rather problematic and is taking a toll on you. Do you perhaps think there are alternative ways you could respond (or not respond) to her barrages of texts?

Perhaps it might help to consider a communication technique such as B.I.F.F. which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil) and Firm. Are you familiar with this technique?

You can read more here:
B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil) and Firm

Her threats of suicide are also a concern you have. It is horrible that you experienced that when you were only 12 years old finding your mother like that. I can imagine how much of an impact that must have had on you. We have some resources that can be helpful when dealing with a family-member who suffers from suicidal ideation:
Dealing with suicidal ideation in others

Where is your mother now?

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

Thank you for letting us know all about how things went after the birth of your grandchild and your mother. Congratulations on your new grandchild! How are you doing now?
When I hear all your anguish about how badly your mother is acting, all I can think of us that it is probably more upsetting to have her mistreat your children and your grandchildren than you.
I am thinking that you are probably going to have to set some new boundaries with your mother, and urge your children and son's girlfriend to do so as well. If you were to set new boundaries, what would they be? How are you keeping your mother's behaviors from upsetting you and ruining your day? Hopefully things have calmed down and you are able to fully enjoy your new grandchild. It has been quite awhile since you have posted, so please send us an update when you can.