Looming divorce: I have combat related PTSD, or is it this marriage?

[SpinZone]

I’d recently learned about BPD, and expressed to my wife that I felt she may have it. Immediately I was told that I’m the one in fact that has it. I’ve been told that when she’s yelled (literally at times) for a divorce, that the word divorce is an emotion, to use her words. It’s been years of this. I’m hurting real bad. I’ve been diagnosed with combat related PTSD. But now I question everything. Is it in fact combat or is it this marriage? And if she in fact has BPD, what’s the difference?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

It isn't generally a good idea to diagnose or loved ones with BPD or any mental illness.  The cat's out of the bag now.  I did it.  Many of us here did it. 

Struggling with PTSD yourself,  especially related to combat, is another thing,  and it isn't a surprise that she'd turn this against you.  I imagine it would be hard to own what's on your success of the fence juxtaposed with what she should own.

Were her BPD-like behaviours present before you were deployed?

[SpinZone]

Oh I know that now. Wow. I’d been ask to make a list for her to bring to a counselor that I believe she needed to work on and fired off BPD. My brother is the one who’d told me about the illness in the first place after calling to vent to him.

The problem I’m running into now is that there no doubt I personally have PTSD, but is it from combat or the marriage? As I learn more about the effects, it matches up more and more with my symptoms.

I need out of this marriage. It’s gone on for so long. Last night alone, after using one of the communication techniques and be firm in my boundaries, I was accused of having not one, but TWO affairs! The proof? She read it. I can’t see this proof obviously, but it exists... .in her world.

So it just honestly scares me. She’s so angry right now, I’m uncomfortable with her in the house. I’m scared of the future because I have no idea what she’ll say to a judge or lawyer.

[pearlsw]

Hi SpinZone,

Has she made false accusations about you to others outside of your relationship?

with compassion, pearl.

[SpinZone]

She has, past couple days. She’ll deny involving others, but it happens. She circles the wagons after connecting with people. The play usually goes with stories of her awful childhood (which if truthful was brutal. Incestual sexual abuse from the brother when she was too young to understand sex, Debilitated alcoholic father who cheated on her mother, absent mother who was somewhat recently viewed as a candidate for BPD who’s been married seven times I believe to five different men, physically abusove step fathers, the list goes on), so once the pity is established my exaggerated discretion’s come up.

Most recently, I spent the 4th of July with a friend. I specifically chose this to avoid any potential sexual encounter. She’s a lesbian. I’d also planned a trip to Colorado. I wanted to see some Army buddies. I intended to go alone. Never made the trip. I recently retired and started college, shortly after she wanted a separation, so that I could “live my life, make my own choices” since she makes me so unhappy, to paraphrase.

So the accusations now being leveled at me are cheating with two women potentially. Neither are founded, and she’s careful to not say it, merely imply. She claims to have read “it” for herself. Now what she’s read is a mystery and most likely an outright fabrication.  I know that’s been spread, but to whom and to what detail is beyond me.

I’m pretty scared at this point because she’s weaponized the children in an effort to extort money from by threatening to withhold them from me unless... .Her limits seem to not have an end.

Today, in the past hour, she’s unilaterally changed visitation agreements molded around what’s best for the kids. Alternating weeks has now become I only see them on the weeks under the guise of stability due to their school.

The change derived from her fabricated idea I’ve cheated and planned to take a trip with another woman. This is quickly spiraling out of control.

I don’t know where she is, I don’t know what she’s doing. But now I feel like this is a race to a lawyer. I’m filing tomorrow. I cannot live like this. My heart races every time I think she’s come home.

[ForeverDad]

I’m pretty scared at this point because she’s weaponized the children in an effort to extort money from by threatening to withhold them from me unless... .Her limits seem to not have an end.

Today, in the past hour, she’s unilaterally changed visitation agreements molded around what’s best for the kids. Alternating weeks has now become I only see them on the weeks under the guise of stability due to their school.

A truism I quote is that in most cases the court is "less unfair" than the ex.  So her threats to reduce your time with your children due her to perceptions of your needing to be blacklisted are more emotional and blaming ones.  They're intended to weaken your resolve to be a capable and involved parent.

To a certain extent, yes, she can ramp up obstruction and allegations that could result in you having less time with the children.  However, courts usually keep most divorce matters (such as adult behaviors, child support, etc) separate from ordered parenting time.  For example, she could claim you're "bad", had affairs with other adults and other largely unsubstantiated claims and yet mostly it wouldn't impact the court's decision on parenting time.  Those actions or claimed actions deal with adult issues and the courts, at least officially, don't care much about that.

While her vitriol (venom) can indeed have some nasty side effects, it should not stop you from presenting yourself to court as a stable, capable and involved parent.

Considering the PTSD angle, focus on methods to protect yourself from her verbal attacks.  There are a number of ways to deal with them, try some out and see what works best for you.  Can you imagine an invisible umbrella that stops all her barbs and demeaning missiles?  Or an invisible shield  that her words bounce back onto her?  After all, many times you will be able to take her allegations, substitute "I" for "you" and see that they actually fit her own actions, not yours.

[hoemee]

Hello SpinZone,

I would like to speak to your topic of PTSD... .here is my similar situation... .I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and completed a 12 week therapy course with a great psychologist.  I did this during my divorce while involved with what I believe to be a BPD female.  My PTSD was focused on my career experiences (law enforcement), but during and looking back it was no doubt also because of my relationship with this female - and I had no idea what a cluster B personality disorder was.  I know now I need more counseling.

First of all - telling your significant other that she may be borderline -  - been there and done that... .very common response - I don't have it, you do... .your thoughts: why don't they see this or at least entertain my thoughts?  I am sure you are familiar with triggers - you need to understand that if she indeed does have some type of Cluster B disorder, you in her life is a trigger for her. Here is a very good video that will help you to understand this from her perspective:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Disclaimer: I am in no way qualified to give you advice  - you need to read as much as possible to understand what cluster B disorders are and also focus on your own PTSD - healing, understanding your triggers and how this type of relationship will cause you to revisit those triggers.  

I wanted to add this after rereading your post: you cannot help her right now - you have to help yourself - that is the only person you can fix.  If you ever are to help her it will be a process of her first realizing that she needs help, then she actually wants and is willing to purse help - at that juncture, your role will be to support her while she gets help.  Right now you need to make yourself right.  Also, research "flying monkeys"... .these are the ones she enlists either unknowing or knowingly to aid her in her efforts and further validate her disordered thinking... .and align against you... .

[hoemee]

... .also "Her limits seem to not have an end"... .you are correct - she knows no boundaries.  You know and set the boundaries - its ok for you to set boundaries - in fact necessary for your well being.

As far as filing for divorce - I would postpone this.  The reason is, is because your emotions are on screech right now - and some lawyers will capitalize on this and you will learn about financials triggers.  Feeding on this level of emotion can be very lucrative for some attorneys.  I would suggest you set boundaries, take care of yourself, remain constant for your children and then revisit divorce when you are thinking clearer, without being triggered.  Take time to explore if she is willing to actually help herself and recommit.  In my process I have found that when I introduce or set boundaries and suggest change that I am met with rage and defiance... .but in a short time she does actually think about it and begins small incremental changes.  Two steps forward one step back - sometimes two steps back... .but I do see a labored willingness to change and work together.  It gives me hope - while i rigidly stick to my boundaries and prepare myself for an ending.

[walkinthepark247]

SpinZone,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Many here (including myself) have had the constant threats of divorce thrown in their faces. For me, one of the worst parts was knowing what my housing arrangements were going to be like tomorrow. I realize that different people will be affected in different ways. The constant and unrelenting threats of divorce, that seem to come out of nowhere, just really wear you down after a while. While I cannot speak to combat, it sure felt like entering a hostile territory when I entered my home. As you probably know, you can feel the tension in the air.

But, as you have recognized yourself, those threats are largely noise. Right now, what is your response when she does make those threats? The reason I ask is because I used to get so caught up in it. I would react either by arguing or by pleading. With the help of a therapist, I really turned things on its head. I learned to just dispassionately say “I’m sorry to hear that”. Once, she made a big to-do about how she was leaving “right now” and couldn’t find the suitcases to pack. I politely and calmly reminded her where she could find the suitcases. Once I learned to respond in this manner, the constant threats seemed to dissipate over time. My wife had to learn that the constant divorce threats (“I mean it this time”) weren’t going to get the desired result any longer. At one point, I even said politely and calmly “I’m sorry to hear that and I get your point. If you don’t mind, I would like to finish this chapter of my book.” Of course, that resulted in her escalating the situation further to get more attention… Learning how to respond to her is going to be part of your process whether you stay in the marriage or not.

Like you, I also was accused of having secret girlfriends. I wish my life were that interesting!  My wife even called her nutty mother, who then preceded to call my parents and scream at them about what a horrid cheatin’ bum I was.

During this time, my spouse also learned that I was corresponding with a divorce attorney. She went through my phone records and matched up who I was calling. It was at this time that she decided to seek some help.

I don’t say these things to tell you how horrible I have had it. Rather, I hope that you can take some hope in knowing that there are others going through what you are experiencing. Maybe you can learn what has worked for others on this site. I was very much in your shoes this time last summer.

I am concerned for you in the sense that pwBPD will fabricate stories to get an upper hand. While infidelity might not have credence in a custody dispute, other types of fabrications might:

-   At one point, it became clear to me that my spouse was corresponding with a domestic abuse hotline. In addition, she started slipping into conversations references to the “abuse” she had endured from me. Out of all the verbal diarrhea, that’s the one that really rattled me. I have two kids that I desperately care about. It scared me to think she might be prepared to fabricate that type of story to get attention. Nothing could have been farther from the truth.

-   My spouse also played the tricks yours is playing to maintain some semblance of control over our kids. My D5 would ask me to drive her to school. My spouse would huff and puff around the house. She even got to a point where she was hiding medical information about our kids from me. In her head, she was trying to "prove" that I couldn't medically care for the kids. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Information was being withheld from me.

Do you have any inkling that your spouse might lash out with false accusations of this type?

[SpinZone]

Hello all,

I feel like a different person, but I’m a positive direction. I’d read the book, “Stop Walking on Eggshells” at my brothers recommendation. I think I was more jarred by the fog lifting, by the realization that I’m not what I’ve been told I am. All the things in that book, sans suicidal anything and self half of any type, were right there.

I employed a lot of the techniques in that book. It produces the responses the book predicted. It was wild. I’d found the keys to the proverbial castle. With the fog lifting, my new communication techniques, things have relatively quieted down.

I’ve been able to figure out what I’m dealing with. I’ve named the three major “people” I see in her Tonya (mean, angry... .Tonya Harding), Nancy (the kinder side, but always a victim... .Nancy Kerigan) and Janet (the professional HR type).

They all have different word choices and tones that give away the emotion of the moment. I find it easier to deal with it like this so it’s more at arms length than internalizing everything.

With regards to my C-PTSD, I literally retired last week. My first VA appointment is tomorrow morning, so I’m definitely sticking with it.

As far as divorce goes, I’m going through with it. Between my own issues and hers, it’s a powder keg. I’m a good father, and I need to be able to be one. The rules that are created vary based on the reality she’s feeling. I no longer have the menta energy to back her on everything as a unified parenting team should.

I’m most afraid of the dependence on her she’s instilling within the children to avoid her perceived abandonment. The 13 year old boy is way behind the emotional power curve because of this, my middle daughter is way too young for the level of anxiety she has and my youngest is smack dab in the center of forming a personality.

I have no idea if this is the perfect solution, but I believe it’s the right one. She’s moving out, not me, and I fear what may be said about me, based on whatever reality the memory is coming from, to my children. I don’t want to do damage control anymore. I need to raise my kids, and I’m going to.

Her mother is exactly like she is. They enable the hell out of eachother, and my father in law is going through hell himself. If my wife’s issues existed in a vacuum within this family, I believe one, things wouldn’t spiral out of control so quickly with less enabling and two, she’d be supported from all sides instead of just mine.

I believe I’m doing what needs to be done for her issues to come out. I have evidence of some of the more wild moments, enough for a courr ordered psych evaluation. Hopefully, good will come of this.

[ForeverDad]

What is the purpose for a psych eval?  I ask because I had a psych eval and a custody eval and they were very different.

The psych eval was conducted by a graduate student from the local university.  The report was just over one page long and said I suffered from anxiety.  We were both ordered to submit to psych evals and report them back to court.  I complied but to this day I have no idea whether my then-separated spouse even started her process.

The custody evaluation was assigned to a child psychologist with decades of experience.  (My lawyer made sure I got the best evaluator possible locally.)  It took about 5 months and cost somewhere less than $4K, quicker and less expensive than other CEs reported here.  The difference was that it also included in-depth assessments of how custody and parenting were impacted.  In its summary it included practical recommendations such as "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is tried and fails then Father should have custody."

That's why I ask what a psych eval, as administered in your area, can do for you.  Is it merely to check for psychological issues or does it go further and make in-depth recommendations for custody and parenting schedules?

[walkinthepark247]

SpinZone, how are things going for you?