New member HELLO and establishing boundaries with UBPD mother

[resilientinnyc]

Hello, everyone! This is my first post here and I'll try not to ramble

I started seeing a therapist three years ago and after about 6 months of weekly sessions, she diagnosed my mother as having BPD. I felt very upset at first, but after reading a book she suggested ("Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem" by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman) I felt like I could finally understand some of my BPDm's abusive and manipulative behaviors. In fact, it felt like a big relief. I've since started seeing another therapist after my first moved across the country, and she also believes the BPD diagnosis is accurate.

About five years ago, I told my parents I would like to move out of their home (where I had moved after college) and into the city. My BPDm immediately insisted they help me buy a place. I didn't want to set her off so I agreed. Things were better between us back then and I didn't foresee any issues with the prospect of owning an apartment with my parents. Fast forward 6 months, and I'm living in my new apartment that I co-own with my parents.

I had very few friends in the city when I moved and I was also working remotely. I found it difficult to make new friends, initially relying on the few city friends I had to make connections. That led to meeting my current BF through a mutual friend. We hit it off because of our mutual love of music, food, and nature. I was hesitant to share this new relationship with my parents because of many failed Tinder dates and the fact that we hadn't yet clearly defined our relationship.

My brother was the first to meet my BF. He disliked my new BF (reasons unknown to me) and must have told my BPDm in passing soon after that. My BPDm did some Facebook stalking and used his profile pictures and whatever my brother told her to create a nasty backstory for my BF, which she raged to me over the phone. At that point in time, I didn't understand why she was acting this way because I hadn't started seeing a therapist yet. When my parents finally met my BF, things seemed ok after the first meeting, but after the second meeting, they both reverted back to the paranoias and accusations that my BPDm initially brought to the table. She constantly paints a terrible picture of my BF: she's called him ugly, a midget, a troll, Jew-y, poor, has told me that we would have ugly children, has called his mother ugly (she's never met his mother), and about a year or two ago has started accusing him of having NPD. And, for the past three years, she's accused me of being brainwashed by him.

Fast forward to present day: I've lived through years of not mentioning my BF around my BPDm for fear of setting her off on an uncontrollable rage. I finally started the long and extremely painful and drawn out conversation with both parents about moving in with my BF. They will not let him move into my apartment and are insisting that because I won't put my family first that it's my fault that we'll need to sell the apartment. I love where I live, so it's very sad that I'm losing my home. But at the same time, I'm very excited to have a sense of freedom. For years they have made me feel indebted to them and the guilt hanging over my head has been crippling.

I write this post as I'm about to have a face-to-face discussion with them in my apartment. I am incredibly afraid going into this because, in the past, nothing has gotten accomplished due to my BPDm's raging. I hope that I can stand true to myself and remember the end goal.

Thanks for reading! I'm already finding solace in writing my story and reading others' stories.

[Harri]

Hi resilientinnyc and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us and I can tell you that so many of us can relate to having a controlling, raging and emotionally abusive parent.

I'm very excited to have a sense of freedom. For years they have made me feel indebted to them and the guilt hanging over my head has been crippling.

Let's see what other people suggest but I am going to say to remember this.  Remember what it feels like to be trapped and indebted and all the guilt you have felt over the years as you make the move to change all of that.

Your mother will push back.  It happens anytime anyone makes a change in the system.  Families function as a system and you are changing things so everything gets thrown off.  Your mother will rage.  Let her.  She may go cold and give you the silent treatment.  Let her.  You can't control how she responds so simply do your best to establish your independence and act and speak according to your personal values.  that is all you can do.  

Are you familiar with Don't JADE?   I am suggesting you use this because, IMO, it is the easiest tool to learn and you don't have a whole lot of time if you are talking with your mother tonight.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  I think you may find it useful tonight.  State you case once maybe repeat it once and then do not try to JADE.  JADE'ing will only escalate your mother by possibly invalidating her, but more importantly it can make you look defensive and guilty and your mother will feel justified in whatever she says, adding fuel to the fire.  I also will not JADE as I relate it to begging.  I will not beg someone to hear me, certainly not someone who is incapable of seeing or hearing me when they are blinded by their own emotions.  :)oes that make sense?

Another article to read is Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  An excerpt:
"emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance."  According to Forward and Frazier, fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG" are the tools of emotional manipulators.

We have many many more articles and tools you can use but these two seem to be the most important to me when I consider that your meeting is tonight.  In case i am way off the mark though (stranger things have happened  ) you can check out the library section of our site.  

If you have any questions or want to chat more, I will be on for a few more hours.  

Again, you have landed in a safe and understanding place so I hope you return.  Even after you get through this issue, you may still benefit by reading and posting here.

Welcome.

[zachira]

What you have described could have been my story in some ways though you have caught on much sooner than I did that your mother has BPD and are very aware of the steps you can take to deal with your BPD mother and father. Harri has suggested some good materials to look at, as to how to deal with the meeting with your parents.
My BPD mother has never wanted any of my siblings and I to marry, and has always had horrible untrue things to say about anyone that we dated or married, especially my brothers' girlfriends. Mom has also tried to control me and my siblings through lots of financial extorsion.
You are in the driver's seat now, and have taken some difficult steps to protect yourself, like giving up the apartment owned by your parents and not letting your parents break up your relationship with your boyfriend. I would be very careful about what you tell your parents, as they are only there to present their point of view and have no real interest in your feelings, and the more they know about what you are doing, the more problems they can cause.
I have learned the hard way not to tell my BPD mom anything about my life if I don't have to. Mom uses any information she gets to cause drama and invent more lies.
There are many people on this site who are/have been in similar situations to yours. We are here to support you, listen to you, and learn from you. Keep us posted and let us know how the meeting with your parents goes.

[AoiKoutei]

Hi resilientinnyc and welcome to the board !  

To be honest, while I was reading your message, I thought you were my sister. I started thinking "did she discover this message board ? I haven't told her about it yet !". At the end, I knew you were someone else. But honestly, I was heavily doubting. Your stories are like exactly the same (except that I didn't tell my mother about her BF  .

First, as you may have understood, what you are currently living is not uncommon for BPD mother's children. When my sister had her first BF, our mother's reaction was exactly the same. She convinced all of us that he was a stupid guy, that he had a bad effect on my sister, even that he was seducig my mother etc. At the end, she chased him and my sister had to break up because it was impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. As a consequence, she had a serious trauma and it became very difficult to have a BF.

What is extremely important to keep in mind is the fact that you have the right to have a boyfriend, even if your relatives don't like him. It is your life and your personnality. It is even more true that your mother's hate seems to be unfounded and caused by her BPD. It's not like if, objectively, your boyfriend was a bad guy who was violent against you, for instance. In your case, there is no valid reason to prevent you from having this relationship.

Besides, don't forget that your father and your brother seem to be under your mother's influence. I don't know why your brother told her about your BF, but maybe it is because he felt guilty to know that, as if not telling your mother was a betrayal. I'm sorry he did that.

If we dig a little bit deeper, your mother's hate may be the result of her fear of abandonment. She sees your BF as the man who will take you from her. So she makes everything she can to prevent this "abandonment". Unfortunately, your father and your brother just maintain her fear by agreeing with her.

I'm also sorry that you need to leave your apartment and have this face-to-face conversation. Don't forget that you are doing nothing wrong and that it is a huge shame that your parents can be satisfied with your happiness. You met a man with whom you feel so great that you want to live with, and they just make a fuss for absolutely nothing... .
But don't give up. Never give up. Otherwise, you would just break up with a man you love because of a mental disorder your mother suffers from, nothing else. You would let her condition win.

During this next conversation, stay calm. You need to show you are sure of your choice and that it will have a positive effect on you. Maybe time is too short before this conversation, but I would have advised you to read the part in "Stop walking on eggshells" book in which the author explains the way we should talk with people suffering from BPD. Basically, the way is to reformulate the way your BPDm feels and give your version of the facts.
For example, saying very calmly : "I know you don't like my boyfriend and that you are worried I want to move in with him. But I don't share your point of view. I feel very happy with him and we have a very positive relationship".
I just saw Harri gave you useful tools so I won't add other resources.

Stay strong. This is a difficult step many of us have overcome. But you won't regret. In the future, you will remind this moment with a lot of pride, and you will be right.

AoiKoutei

[Harri]

Hi.  I've been wondering how the meeting with your parents went.  Post when you can... .and of course only if you feel like it.

Take care

[Turkish]

I'm also curious about how the meeting went.  Firstly, congratulations on moving out and moving on up (think The Jefferson's theme song). Secondly, she should be ashamed about the cruel things she said about your bf and his family. I hope you realize that that's all about her disordered thinking.