After the affairs, dealing with deceit

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married to my husband for nearly five years and together for seven. We have three wonderful children ages 6, 4, and 22 months. Our relationship (which started as an affair, probably my first clue) has nearly always been strained and recently this all came to light. We started going to counseling in February after years of asking and in April I heard rumors of infidelity. I confronted and he denied. In May I found proof and he would only share once I knew things with evidence. We have slowly been addressing what's going on. It's hard, because of the deceit and some stories match better than others.  Honesty about prior incidence and possibly memory is a problem. There were at least 3 other women prior to our marriage and he had a year long affair that just ended as well as a second "girlfriend" for the last 4 months of that.

We have been continuing with counseling and there are some improvements for sure but I am looking for strength in moving forward. Suggestions on communication, thoughts on the deception, what it means and how to move forward. He is still out of our home right now and I want to be sure that returning home is healthy for both of us and our kids. Thoughts?

[rosber1]

I have been married to my husband for nearly five years and together for seven. We have three wonderful children ages 6, 4, and 22 months. Our relationship (which started as an affair, probably my first clue) has nearly always been strained and recently this all came to light. We started going to counseling in February after years of asking and in April I heard rumors of infidelity. I confronted and he denied. In May I found proof and he would only share once I knew things with evidence. We have slowly been addressing what's going on. It's hard, because of the deceit and some stories match better than others.  Honesty about prior incidence and possibly memory is a problem. There were at least 3 other women prior to our marriage and he had a year long affair that just ended as well as a second "girlfriend" for the last 4 months of that.

We have been continuing with counseling and there are some improvements for sure but I am looking for strength in moving forward. Suggestions on communication, thoughts on the deception, what it means and how to move forward. He is still out of our home right now and I want to be sure that returning home is healthy for both of us and our kids. Thoughts?

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[pearlsw]

Hi roseber1,



Glad you have joined us, though it is under such difficult circumstances.

I would point you to threads over on the Learning Board for additional insights on recovering from affairs.

In terms of communication do you mean talking about the affair or the relationship in general? There are a lot of tools to the right here that can help with communication - some really great ones that work for any kind of relationship in fact.

What do you mean by "memory is a problem" with him? With so many affairs hard to keep all straight, or health issues, or?

In terms of being healthy for you and the kids, how fresh is this? Is there a lot of resentment and anger between you two? Does he have an interest in reconciliation or does he still want to be involved with his affair partner?

with compassion, pearl.

[lonely38]

All I can say is that I have lived this for 38 years.  I wish I had left years ago.  No, I wish I had never met my husband.  But now I am working toward keeping the marriage together as we are now in our older years and I do not want to be alone or with another man and do not want our children to have a broken family.
I do wish I had more backbone way back when... .

[rosber1]

I am guessing that the affairs and the time that has passed 7 years may  make them difficult to keep straight. I want to know what are the chances of recovery from serial infidelity. He is in counseling individually  as we are for couples. But this is a health risk if this is a behavior that cannot be controlled. He changed his phone number, got rid a of facebook and is searching for a new job. He gets VERY agitated when I inquire about how things would get started with the affairs. He wants to box them up and put them in the past. I want to better understand the triggers and he basically said he felt unloved, and went along with women who gave him attention. I feel I need more information on how this started so that I may better trust as we move forward that the right steps are being taken. Is there any documentation about the ability to stop this behavior?