New Here: Wife has BPD. I stay to be there for my 3yo daughter.

[Rudager]

I've been married to my wife for almost five years. I'm surprised it's lasted this long. I didn't realize my wife's issues at first, but now I know how I was blinded. She's high-functioning, so I don't believe she'll get treatment. She didn't want to return to couple counseling when the therapists weren't totally on her side. A counselor told me that my wife may have BPD, but my wife has no idea. I do laugh to myself when she's raging about something insignificant "I can't even complain to my friends. They'll think I'm crazy."

Honestly, I stay solely for my daughter. Not because I think divorce will hurt her, but because I'm worried that I'll lose time with my daughter. And, in the time she's with her mother, I won't be there to protect her. My wife is a self-centered person who thinks she's devoted to everyone else somehow. If someone could guarantee me full custody, I'd be gone tomorrow with my daughter. I'm terrified to lose her.

I am looking for advice on how to navigate these waters ahead. I feel like divorce is coming, though I think my wife is trying to get me to say it first. But, how can I protect myself and my daughter during these trying times? Are there others who can tell me where this road leads? Are there people that have brought the situation back from the brink and gone on to lead happy lives?

Maybe I just want to know I'm not alone, since I feel so alone. My wife distances me from my family. Her demands keep me from having friends. In the friendships I can maintain, I feel like I'm constantly complaining about our relationship, just making sure I'm not being unreasonable and irrational, but it makes me feel like it's all I talk about with them, which makes me not want to drag them down or see me as a negative person. I work hard to stay positive, but it's hard when my wife doesn't think I do anything right. She thinks that everything I do for her is just my job, so she shouldn't have to be grateful, but at the same time she complains that I don't do anything for her, that I don't prioritize her. I know I don't feel the same way about her that I once did. I'm grateful when she's not around.

[kells76]

Hi Rudager, glad you found the boards! 

So sorry for what brings you here -- it sounds like you've had some realizations over the last few years that have opened your eyes to what could be going on in your marriage.

It's very tough when kids are involved in these situations. My husband has two kids, and their mom has shown a lot of difficult, confusing, and hurtful behaviors. She's not diagnosed BPD ("dBPD", she's undiagnosed ("uBPD", but in a way, that doesn't really matter. What matters the behaviors, whatever they're called.

You can probably guess how it would go to tell your wife that she might have BPD... .that's why a lot of people here on these boards choose not to go that route. We've all had to decide if we want to try to make the other person change, or work on ourselves and protecting the kids. I've had to accept a really low bar for what the kids' mom is emotionally capable of (she's high-functioning, too, though, and comes off really well to other people -- sounds like your wife. She also didn't want to be the one to pull the trigger on the divorce, and even now, YEARS later, is blaming the MC for "telling them to get divorced"... .sigh... .long story).

Although we can't tell you whether to stay or go, we can help you with a lot of questions along the way. Take your time, don't panic, breathe, and we can help you make a plan that -- whatever happens -- might help you and your daughter have the most time together.

If you can take it slow, gather information, and get a lot of support and resources now, that can really help you and your daughter down the road.

When you feel up for it, want to fill us in on anything else?

Hang in there, and again, welcome;

kells76

[Tired_Dad]

Rudager,

Your story mirrors mine very closely except that I am now separated from my wife and preparing for the divorce.

The biggest advice that I can give you is to maintain your boundaries. In this I mean develop and maintain the relationships with your family, friends and maintain your individual interests. If you loose yourself her dominance will be ensured. Find a way to ride out her storms and outbursts without trying to fix her or the situation. Resist the temptation to be the white knight and rescue her it will only lead to a greater demand for rescuing. Try to help her solve her own problems and work to help her without rescuing.

I cannot tell you to stay or go, but remind you that BPD is chronic and without intensive and persistent treatment it does not improve. My spouse kept slipping down the rabbit hole and it led her to drugs, affairs, suicidal behavior, and an open case against her from DCF. I was lucky as I currently have my son with me full time and she is minimally involved, I am getting close to a court date for a temporary order to formalize the status but paperwork and financial issues are slowing that down.

Good luck you, don't loose yourself, be the stable one for your daughter and if you choose to leave remember that you can model what a stable relationship and home is away from the drama and trauma of a BPD.

[Donalith]

Good luck you, don't loose yourself, be the stable one for your daughter and if you choose to leave remember that you can model what a stable relationship and home is away from the drama and trauma of a BPD.

This... .

I can be very difficult to stay or to go and the decision to "do it for your child" may inadvertently model something we don't want to pass on. Always try to be aware of the difference between what you want your child to learn and what you're actually teaching them.

I'm still learning this...

[livednlearned]

Good advice from others here 

If you can figure out a way to straddle the bettering a relationship board and the family law board, that's ideal

On the bettering a romantic relationship board, you will help you learn the skills to de-escalate dysregulations (or at least stop making things worse) so that your home life is more manageable, which is a good way to protect yourself and D3. And how to assert boundaries like Tired_Dad mentions.

The relationship and communication skills you learn there will be immensely helpful to D3, too.

Here on this board, you can gather information just in case. There is a good book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse written Bill Eddy, who was a former social worker that now practices family law. He noticed that the 20 percent of high-conflict divorces had either one or two parties with a PD. He's a compassionate person who understands BPD better than many, and also provides an insider's view of what it looks like when BPD and family law court come together.

You're definitely not alone here, friend. Maybe we can lighten your load a little so that you can focus on enjoying your friendships and leave the heavier stuff here 

What is your wife's relationship with D3 like?

[AnuDay]

Children are resilient.  I know this sounds cliche.  It did when I first started hearing it, but you would be amazed.  I too wanted desperately to stay for the children.  I guess I floundered around too long and my ex made the decision for me by having an affair. 1 year later, I'm happier now.  The kids floundered a little bit, but they didn't dive into despair.  There have been a lot of issues since I don't have them full-time, but the mother has improved her parenting skills.  It's really a tradeoff.  I don't have to live in a stressed state 100% of the time, but the kids don't have both parents living together.  That in itself causes a strain on the children.  The only advice that I can give you is that you must take some sort of action or action will be taken for you and you may or may not like the results, but you will have to live with them.

[ForeverDad]

The only advice that I can give you is that you must take some sort of action or action will be taken for you and you may or may not like the results, but you will have to live with them.

I think this is the principle where... .Inaction is a choice too.  :)o you want that choice or would some other choice be better?

I believe most of us here tried to stay, until it became impractical, impossible or even dangerous.  (I was one of the many high conflict cases facing endless allegations meant to sabotage us and our parenting.)  Perhaps you can stay and manage things?  You have to ponder whether that is possible or even practical.  Is your situation low conflict or increasing conflict?  Is there risk of it worsening?  (Another truism about increased conflict:  If allegations or obstruction has been threatened or even contemplated, then it will happen, given enough time.)

The only ways things can get better are:  (1) You establish solid boundaries and she abides by them.  This does not mean you tell her to do or not do things.  That doesn't work, the BPD pattern is to steamroll over or bust boundaries, it's like a challenge.  Rather, your boundaries are what You will do or not do.  Example:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  :)oes that make sense?  Your boundaries are how you will respond to her actions, particularly her poor actions and behaviors.

Or (2) she lets a therapist or counselor disarm her Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting enough so she will listen to expert therapy (usually DBT, CBT or similar), apply it diligently in her life, thinking, perceptions, moods and behaviors, and do so long term, possibly for the rest of her life if need be.  Sorry, she can't attend a few sessions and declare herself recovered.

If she doesn't do either of the above then odds are the marriage and relationship is failing or has failed.  Then it is up to you to Accept that fact.  Then your decisions need to move forward from there.  Keep in mind this is always your decision to make, we're here to provide information, education and, of course, peer support.  We've lived through it, we have a huge amount of collective wisdom to share.  Just keep asking and learning.  In time you will find you can make more informed and more confident decisions.

Often we parents feel it is best to stay together "for the kids".  (Don't guilt yourself, nearly all here started out with concerns and ethics dealing with that.  Unfortunately, in many of our cases that is an uninformed and unbalanced perspective.)  Well, if the family dynamic is unhealthy or dysfunctional, staying together may turn out to be reinforcing that family dynamic as normal.  In other words, do we want the kids to feel this current situation is 'normal'?  If this is all they will have known growing up, how will they become prepared for balanced adult life?  How will they become prepared to be reasonably normal adults and choose reasonably normal adults as their marriage mates?  Most of us have been acquiescing appeasers and the disordered spouse the demanding tyrant ruled by erratic moods and emotional perceptions.  Not a great mix.  Which parent do you want them to be like, appeasing you or the controlling other parent?  Who do you want them to marry, someone like appeasing you or someone like the controlling other parent?

Another problem you'll face is second-guessing yourself wondering whether divorce is the right thing to do.  Ponder that well and resolve that now, for yourself and for the kids, because the stress and push-back you get during the months ahead will surely test your resolve and decisions.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[worriedStepmom]

My H's ex-wife is undiagnosed BPD. 

He divorced her when their daughter was 2, because as he told me, " was getting older and I realized I couldn't have her around this chaos all the time." They agreed to a 60/40 split, with uBPDex as primary.  H and I met two years later and then married.  When we talked about step-parenting, he told me that he saw my role as providing SD an example of how "normal" women act and how "normal" mothers treat their children... .so that when SD grew up she'd know to do better than her mom was capable of.

SD recently turned 11.  A few months ago uBPDex had a major dysregulation and basically scared the crap out of her daughter.  H got both of them calmed down over the phone.  The next time he got SD, they had a really long conversation.  SD confessed to what she'd been going through.  H told her, for the first time, that he divorced her mother to protect her.  He told her "that was a crossroads, and this feels like another one."  We were both afraid that SD would be angry at him, but she just crawled in his lap and hugged him tight and cried.

Over her mother's objections, we got SD into therapy, and then H filed for primary custody.  We are lucky that uBPDex is more internal-focused and folded at the last minute.  We just enrolled SD in our school district for this coming year, and the 60/40 split is now in our favor.  Therapist says that SD is thrilled about the changes, and her only worry is how her mom will react.  H says he wish he would have filed for custody years ago, but he felt guilty because uBPDex always accused him of wanting to steal their daughter away.  He was still allowing himself to be emotionally manipulated.

--
If your only concern about leaving is protecting your daughter, this story hopefully shows you that there is more than one way to do that.  I'm not saying ours is the right way... .but it is one way.

I highly encourage you to get a therapist for yourself, if you don't already have one.  If you are thinking about divorce, talk to a lawyer about what the likely outcomes would be in your case (you can consult with them and not commit to filing for divorce).  Document how much care you do for your daughter versus how much your wife contributes.