Picking up the pieces - socially

[Baglady]

So I'm 8 months out from my exBPDh's psychotic breakdown and 3 months out from our divorce.  I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life while sharing custody 60/40 in my favor of my teen son.  I've lost most of his friends/our mutual friends thanks to his absolutely vicious and soul destroying smear campaign.  I'm hanging on to my in-laws by a thread because they did witness his insane raging but want to ascribe his breakdown to a mid-life crisis and not to BPD.  I have a fantastic cadre of female friends, who have absolutely saved me, but who are married with kids and who lead very busy family lives themselves.  They try but have a limited understanding of BPD and what I'm really dealing with.  I realize that I'm lonely and missing the companionship of marriage and that my social life (apart from one-on-one lunches/brunches with friends) has largely disappeared.  I'm coming up on my 50th birthday and socially I feel like a kid at kindergarten. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's hard.  I lean toward introverted by nature and my social confidence is low right now.  I'm also not very flush with cash for social activities because I'm up to my eyeballs with a mortgage on the house I bought out from my ex in order to provide stability for my son. I'm so not interested in dating at all (if ever again at this point - just too wounded right now). Can anyone share their experience of starting over socially after losing friends/family to a smear campaign?

[juju2]

Hi, you are in the right place!

This is a healing community.   am 8 months out from dating him, and 15 months out from living together for ten years... .  everything you share resonates, and we both had kids, none ours, in the mix at different times. 

I am taking it one day at a time, i read or post here every day.   Someone here will write something that helps, just for today.   I also go to al-anon for codependency. 
This program, this community, suggestions, are all at your own pace.   Some days after work all i can do is lie down and put the covers over my head.
baby steps.  Be gentle to yourself, find ways of showing yourself love.  Whatever that means to you.

j

[once removed]

no smear campaign on my end but i can very much relate to social isolation in the aftermath of my relationship.

i was very desperate to rebuild my social life. i thought that it would go a very long way in my healing. still think it would have.

to a large extent, i didnt see or hear much from my closest and best friends. they were busy. my sleep schedule was upside down so there was even less of a window to see or talk to anyone.

i had a number of friends who had gone by the wayside. i tried to reconnect. i think they could sense my desperation and were either put off, or it had just been too long and they werent interested.

im very introverted myself, and my confidence, social skills, all of it, were so, so shot.

so i took what came. id try to force myself out of my comfort zone. do things with people that i didnt even want to do. it was very unfulfilling at the time. i think in retrospect, it was still important that i took those steps. i also think it was a good thing for my development, built some resilience, worked out some neediness, got me more comfortable with my own company and helped me to think and focus on what i was interested in and where i could grow new interest. it took some months, but things got better for me as i regained a sense of normalcy and routine (which no doubt is probably harder to do emerging from a marriage). those steps helped to get me there.

in other words, give it both time, and effort. there will be disappointments. there may be awkwardness. you may be more interested in connecting with someone than they are.

presently, my social life is not very active at all. ive tried to find a variety of different avenues to meet my social needs of connection and community. i see my closest friends when i do, and i make the most of it. i try to have events, like say a concert in my case, to attend with people and look forward to. i have my online friends, where we connect over the stuff i cant talk about with my closest friends, and theyre funny, fun, positive people that enrich my life. i have this community where i get to improve my life skills, help others in need, learn, and be a part of something bigger than myself. church friends who are not at all close, but are supportive friends whom i like. and i also cherish my alone time, do the activities i love, and try to do things i wouldnt normally do. all in all, its pretty fulfilling.

spread yourself and gain a sense of community and belonging even if its several different sources. volunteer work can be great for this.

[Baglady]

Appreciate the support JuJu and OR - I also welcome your absolute honesty about how difficult it really is to try to piece a new life after the damage caused by a BPD relationship.  I have to fake coping most of the time - my friends and family are worn out from the drama and just want everything to "get back to normal".  They want to talk about fun summer stuff - vacations, BBQ's and camping trips etc. nothing heavy and dark like BPD and I really get this.  Thank goodness for this site. I'd be questioning my own sense of reality if I didn't have access to everyone's contributions to my understanding and their validation of what I lived with for so long while not having the faintest clue what I really was dealing with.
Does anyone else feel like they are on the other side of a glass wall in dealing with other people socially after breaking up with a BPD ex?  On the one side is the land of normal and on the other side is us?  I feel like I exist on such a different plane of existence now that I finally have an understanding of the level of distorted thinking that my exBPDh sucked me into for far, far too long.

[Mutt]

Hi baglady,

I cant say that I felt segregated from others I feel like I’m part of an underground culture privy to myself and I’m part of a larger community that are oblivious of invisible layer that most people don’t see - BPD pathology.

I went through a smear campaign and it’s absolutes crushing when your social network pulls away from you. You feel helpless. It’s certainly a challenging period you discover more about yourself and who your friends are.

I also had a difficult time not being married because of shared friends, inlaws etc I don’t know if you have similar feelings but I found it really hard not being a husband I had to let go of my ego.

At 42 I started building my body I was lean before that but I’m introvert like you and spending days in the gym by myself and focusing on the weights and rep was something that propelled my recovery forward. It’s not a magic pill but it will boost your mood and it’s helped me attract the opposite sex for dating 

Do you work out? What are your hobbies?

[Baglady]

Hi Mutt,
Your comment about not being married really resonated with me.  I really liked that status a lot and I've had a hard time letting go of that identity particularly as my ex really made a unilateral decision to divorce me with little to no warning.  I know that he has done me a favor in the long term (my T believes that I would have likely put up with a significant level of abuse rather than throw in the towel on my long marriage) but it's still difficult.

I actually like to work out too - but gym fees are out of my financial reach right now.  I work out from home with workout videos.  I do this as much for my mental as physical health.

This sounds pathetic but I don't really know what my hobbies are!  I've spend the last two decades catering to my ex's expensive, time-consuming fun creative career while maintaining my own very meaningful but emotionally draining allied health career.  I've also being doing the lion's share of housework and child rearing while bringing home most of the bacon.  I've been the head cook and bottle washer for my family for so long that I've forgotten what I like to do for fun (apart from inexpensive and non-intrusive hobbies like reading that I was able to work around my catering to my ex's own (not-shared with me) expensive fun events and trips and my son's needs).  In many ways, the divorce has been such a relief because I feel that I've offloaded financial and emotional responsibility for a very entitled selfish teenager (that would be my ex) thus freeing up so much more time and energy for myself.  I just don't know where to start in terms of finding out who I am right now. I can't use the excuse of a very needy and emotionally exhausting husband to avoid facing this central question going forward.  I have a hard time being selfish for myself and my own needs - I'm so hard-wired to put the needs of others first for so long and it's hard to break this pattern.

[Mutt]

I completely understand how self care feels selfish. I think that before building a r/s with others build a r/s with yourself or you can do both at the same time? If we’re happy then that rubs off on others and in order to feel better or happier we need to do things that we enjoy and do them often. Basically self care is good for you and it’s good for others because they’ll want to take care of themselves if they see that you’re in a happier place.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Baglady,

How are things going?  I can relate to feeling on another plane of existence, most definitely.  I feel like I entered the Twilight Zone and it's taken me a long time to feel like I'm almost out.  Something that worked for me in order to connect with others was to enrol on short courses and get active in groups.  The nice thing is, you can get to know someone and enjoy their company for the duration without having to have it lead to more afterwards.  Otherwise you may meet someone who you really gel with and find that you remain in touch.  I'd suggest going to your local library and checking out what is happening in your area.  Perhaps there will be some workshops or short courses that are free or low cost that allow you to discover new interests in the process.  What do you think?

Love and light x

[Baglady]

I appreciate you checking in HQ!  Great suggestions and I'm a little ahead of you in that I have finally found a weekly low-cost women's support group for those with family members who have NPD/BPD or other PD disorders that starts in two weeks.  I think this will be a safe place to "dump" my issues instead of overloading my well-meaning friends, maybe I'll be helpful to other women and make a new friend or two in the process.  I'm also planning to try out a very small friendly lower-cost gym this week.  These are nice and comfortable baby steps for me - I feel so tentative socially!  I still have a hard time missing the day-to-day companionship of my exBPD - you know, the silly, mundane stuff/shared ideas that all couples have - but I'm just not letting myself dwell on this loss too much.  I've turned a corner lately in terms of my grieving and I'm just over feeling so down and miserable all the time.  I want to focus on the future and move on and reclaim a life on my terms.

[Harley Quinn]

Wow Baglady that's great to hear!  The support group is a fantastic find and lower priced gyms are perfect in my view as they skip out all of the excess frills that are unlikely to actually get us fitter. 

I'd call these some decent sized steps, rather than baby ones!  Well done on moving forwards with intention.  Slowly but surely, the empty spaces that are created when such a loss happens can be filled with new things that push us forwards.  Be proud of yourself for doing this for you.

Love and light x

[Cat Familiar]

Baglady,
That's great that you found a women's group specifically relating to PDs! I did that after my divorce from the husband from hell and it was really great.

I too was the target of a smear campaign around our little town. Yes, I lost some "friends" but most of them could see through the smoke and mirrors and I probably retained about 85%, while the rest of them abandoned him.

The women's group had been running for about two months and we'd shared so much and gotten to know each other on a deeper level. One night I was talking to a woman afterwards when I found out where she worked. I mentioned that my ex's girlfriend also worked there. She turned pale and said, "Wow! You're G's ex? I've heard so much about you. I'm really gonna seriously have to reconsider everything I've heard."

Some months later she told me that G was trash talking her friend at work too after he'd broken up with her. 

You might try looking into MeetUp in your area and try going on adventures you hadn't previously considered. I too am introverted and after my divorce I had the time and opportunity to do a variety of things that I never did when I was married: volunteer for a political campaign, join a non-profit board, participate in a writing group, hang out in a coffeehouse, go to various community events, mentor a student, take classes at the local community college, etc.

It's a great opportunity to learn what you like and what's of no interest. I, too, was so involved in placating, helping, soothing, fixing, coping, dealing, enduring my ex that I didn't know what I enjoyed doing either. Take this time as an opportunity to explore. Have fun!

Cat

[Baglady]

Thanks for the supportive words HQ and Cat!
It took me the better half of 8 months to find the PD support group (after a lot of research).  It actually shocks me how long I had to search - I live in a city that has the most random range of support groups but this was a tough nut to crack. 
I realize that half of my challenge socially is that I tend to be avoidant.  It's "easier" to sit at home with a book rather than to push myself socially.  I really relied on my ex to bring the social scene to me and this obviously isn't going to work anymore.  I have also used the excuse of taking care of him and my son to avoid putting myself out there socially.  So I own my issues in this regard.  I find the hardest part is just getting out the door and the first 5 minutes of engagement.  Typically, I'm fine after I jump in and get involved 99% of the time.  Haven't a clue why this is the case but will likely explore this issue in counseling at some point.
I'm taking note of all of everyone's great suggestions for getting out more and I'm challenging myself to do one thing socially every week and I'd really like to do but feel avoidant about.

[Cat Familiar]

I get the "avoidant thing" too. I'm so comfortable at home and I've got so much to do.

It's really just changing a habit. You're fine after the initial uncomfortable feelings--so you're not agoraphobic.

Good that you're pushing yourself to stretch limits that might be keeping you from having a fabulous time and meeting great people! 

[Baglady]

Definitely not agoraphobic much as I like putzing around my home!  Yep - I crave routine and familiarity, I think due to a constant level of low-grade anxiety that I constantly experience.  As much as my ex exhausted me at times, he was a distraction from my own issues  - but not any longer! 

[Cat Familiar]

It's great to love where you live.