Intro: Is this real? What on earth do I do?

[aqua4]

I just ran across this website today as I was searching BPD.  As I was describing my husband's behavior a friend said it sounded like BPD.  Much of what we are experiencing certainly lines up with the descriptions I've read.  I'm at the "Is this real? And if it is, what on earth do I do now?" point.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi aqua4,



Glad to have you with us! I think you'll find that this is a great place to learn and it can be an important source of support on your journey with dealing with these tough issues.

Can you please tell us more about what specific behaviors you have been seeing that made you suspect BPD? How are you feeling?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[aqua4]

Specific behaviors:

*  Irrational, seemingly random rage

*  He's very controlling yet accuses me of being controlling.   Stupid stuff.  Where to put a rug.  He moves things around then when I comment on it he yells at me and says I'm controlling and have to have everything my way.

*  Yelling.  Intimidation.   Name-calling.

*  Drinks then gets even angrier

*  Easily provoked but I never know it's coming.  For the same situation, one day he rages and the next tells me I need to relax when I'm afraid he'll rage.

*  Resents telling me where he's going when he leaves but insists on knowing where I am at all times.  Calls me when I leave even to run errands. 

*  Accuses me of affairs

* Stays in our rooms for days at a time and I have no idea why.  He goes back and forth between seeming depression and anger during these times.  Rages then ignores. 

*  Thinks he sees more and knows more than everyone else.  Believes he knows my thoughts and motivations. 

*  Refuses to listen to reason and logic.

*  Very critical of everyone.   No friends.  Hates all my friends.  I have allowed myself to become pretty isolated--rarely see friends, we go to a different church where I know no one, etc

*  Rages when anyone but him has a say in what I do (my kids, friends, etc)

*  Goes on spending sprees then throws everything away saying it's junk

*  Extreme insecurity no matter what I say or do

*  Focused on me and pleasing me then says I never try to please him

*  Feels unloved and disrespected no matter what I do.  Seems afraid I'll leave him--but only when the arguments are over.


How am I feeling?  Lost.  Very lost.  And very sad.  This is a second marriage for both of us.  I feel stupid and like a failure. Overwhelmed.  Unsure.

[pearlsw]

How am I feeling?  Lost.  Very lost.  And very sad.  This is a second marriage for both of us.  I feel stupid and like a failure. Overwhelmed.  Unsure.

Hi aqua4,

Oh my! Looks like he ran the table here in terms of behaviors. Sorry you are dealing with so much!

I can related to feeling like a bit of a failure. I "married" later in life and this is what came of it for me as well. I thought I had a handle on things and had waited the appropriate amount of time after his last marriage, but nope.

How does he feel about his drinking? Like it's a problem he needs to work on... .or something that is within bounds?

I know it's a lot! One thing that can help a lot with this reason/emotion issue is to work with this tool: Validation

The tools are great, but they do take a real reorientation of your mindset. I know when I first picked them up I actually let myself get excited about them, rather than see them as a burden for me. Instead of annoying extra work, I thought, great, a chance for better communication. It might sound a bit silly, but it made a difference in terms of avoiding resentment.

And it is really the best way to deal with someone who has such strong/heightened emotions.

Are you seeing a counselor? Do you have much support in your life? Has this lead to isolation for you?

warmly, pearl.

[aqua4]

I was the same--waited the appropriate amount of time after my divorce.  Did all the right things.  He was great when we dated.  My mother had some mental health issues (anyone surprised?) and he was so sweet and helpful.  Everything changed within weeks of our wedding.  He's fine as long as he's in total control. 

He doesn't think his drinking is a problem or see that he gets really mad at me every single time he drinks.

Ok validation.   I'll read up on it.  Thanks.  Anything to make things more bearable.

I have been pretty isolated but I'm working on that.  I have a couple of friends I can confide in.  And I do have a counselor--guess I need to make an appointment. 

[pearlsw]

Hi aqua4,

Glad to hear you are working on your isolation and have some options with that! I am pretty isolated myself and I do a few things to manage with it, but I really need to do more as well!

There is so much here I am not sure where I would start either. I think it takes time to build a comprehensive approach to these issues.

I can relate on the possessive and controlling stuff. I never was involved with someone like this and it can dangerously wear you down. If I had more to do I'd push on this more, but we live outside a big city in a small village and there just isn't much reason to go or anyone to see. But even so, he has tried to control what I do indoors. I pushed back on all fronts, but... .this is hard stuff.

In a way, I've found it takes some leveraging of the good times to gain some wins for the more difficult issues. In his "white phases" he wants to "do anything to make me happy" and logic and reason can work more, for me, at those times.

But all of our situations are unique and there is a lot of trial and error and something that works one time may not work the next. The best thing you can you do overall is to keep yourself strong and clear for when the rougher periods hit I think.

Does he have these more positive "white phases"? Or is that not something you see? Is he ever more calm and more happy with you/the relationship?

warmly, pearl.

[aqua4]

We haven't been married long so our habits aren't too engrained.  Before we were married I was pretty independent, so I'm finding my voice again--which is good but I'm not sure it does much for peace in our home.  My first husband was also verbally abusive and I swore I wouldn't be here again--last time I almost disappeared (like lost who I was as a person).  So I feel like I'm fighting that again.

If you live in a small village I would imagine this board would be an outlet.  :-)  If I can do one thing a month with a friend I'll feel like I've made major progress.  I don't think I've done anything with a friend since we got married last year.   But as you said, this is hard stuff so I'll be happy with any improvement on any front! 

He's stayed in our room for four days now--he seems to be upset because I'm different somehow.  I can only assume that this corresponds with me realizing he was verbally abusive a few days ago (finally admitted to myself that him yelling, I intimidating,  and name calling aren't just rude and mean--they're actual abuse).  He notices small changes--which makes things hard.

He does have white phases, varying in length and intensity.  But everything we discuss goes out the door when he gets upset.

Yes on the trial and error.  I have little hope at this point of having a healthy relationship with him.  My goal is to survive our relationship (meaning to not lose myself again) and be healthy myself.  To not be eaten alive or destroyed by his sickness.

[aqua4]

Hey is sabotaging common?  I tell him I want to eat healthier--he gets me a frozen lemonade or my favorite candy bar.  I tell him I don't want to eat gluten (I have an autoimmune disorder)--he tells me that's stupid and gets kolaches for breakfast then gets offended if I don't eat them.  He knows I like that stuff, but it doesn't feel thoughtful or loving when it looks like he's just not respecting my wishes.  But if I say anything I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I'm unappreciative.   

[desperate.wife]

Hey is sabotaging common?  I tell him I want to eat healthier--he gets me a frozen lemonade or my favorite candy bar.

I don't know if it is common, but my husband does the same. We should eat like when I was pregnant, I say. I lost 12 kilograms in 9 months. All back now. He agrees, says he wants too. Sometimes he would insist that we eat healthy. Then he buys all the chips and cookies. And offers to me. And I am stressed and anxiuos, I eat it when PMS hits me, or I feel upset when he offers and I have too say no. Frustrating.

[aqua4]

Yes--exactly!  He fusses that we don't eat healthy enough--says we need to throw out all the junk--then buys donuts and sodas!  He seems contrary--he just wants the opposite of what I want.  Sometimes that seems to be his actual desire.  He doesn't care what we do, as long as it's not what I want. 

[blackorchid]

Hey aqua4 so much of what you sad sounded just like my partner. Im glad youve find this site and I hope that it can help you! Sabotaging is interesting... .making me realize I need to read up on that... .

[aqua4]

I wasn't sure if that was something common to BPD or not.  So much to learn and absorb... .

[starlet564]

Hi Aqua4,

Sorry to hear all you're dealing with my friend, but I can commiserate.  Your story sounds a lot like mine.  This is my first marriage, I am turning 40 next week and I've only been married 10 days and it's been 8 days of hell.  My husband does almost all the things you mentioned.  When he's good.  He's the best person I know.   When he's in his mood, look out.  Luckily, he recognizes some of his behaviors were a problem prior to marrying like the anger when drinking and road rage, so he gave that up. 

Funny you mention the sabotaging, because he does that on occasion too... .  That's something I should look into like blackorchid said.   

Take care of yourself.

[pearlsw]

Hi Aqua4,

Sorry to hear all you're dealing with my friend, but I can commiserate.  Your story sounds a lot like mine.  This is my first marriage, I am turning 40 next week and I've only been married 10 days and it's been 8 days of hell.  My husband does almost all the things you mentioned.  When he's good.  He's the best person I know.   When he's in his mood, look out.  Luckily, he recognizes some of his behaviors were a problem prior to marrying like the anger when drinking and road rage, so he gave that up.  

Funny you mention the sabotaging, because he does that on occasion too... . That's something I should look into like blackorchid said.    

Take care of yourself.

Hey all!  

So nice to see all of you jumping right and talking and getting to know one other and offering support! Warms my  ! What a nice new group! Hope you stick around - there is so much to learn and it's great for us to help each other do it together!

Just a quick memory... .not to hijack, but ugh. Only married 10 days? And this? Reminds me of how "fun" it was right after I got "married" in my early forties. He brought a divorce lawyer over to our apartment about two weeks after the wedding and wanted a divorce, and she actually sat here and tried to negotiate one while he was flipping out. It was so unbelievable. I stood up to it. Somehow. But I tell ya, the humiliation of that... .

About sabotaging... .in my case it doesn't seem deliberate. It's more that he's impulsive and doesn't seem to remember stuff, though in fairness we speak in his non-native language and I don't have a good memory in other languages either. (But his memory is poor in all languages.) Yes, he gets hurt very easily so I have to be extra careful with my own words - part of the work around here!

warmly, pearl.

[aqua4]

Sounds like you guys are in the same boat with me.  Sorry to hear that.

Mine finally came out of the bedroom yesterday.  Not good.  Once he gets started nothing will stop him.  It's like he has to get it out of his system.  Thankfully he ridiculed but didn't rage.

The frustrating thing is there is no reasoning with him.  He twists everything in his head and won't listen to anything I say.  He thinks about things a lot (he is obsessed with our marriage) and once he has things a certain way in his head, that's it.  I don't know how to handle that effectively.  I don't know that there is an effective way to handle any of this.  I told him last night in just trying to survive HIM.  Probably not super helpful. 

[aqua4]

I don't have a good memory either.  He thinks he does but the more I pay attention to our words the more I realize he doesn't remember things correctly or twists them--but he denies it.  Ugh.

[starlet564]

Just a quick memory... .not to hijack, but ugh. Only married 10 days? And this? Reminds me of how "fun" it was right after I got "married" in my early forties. He brought a divorce lawyer over to our apartment about two weeks after the wedding and wanted a divorce, and she actually sat here and tried to negotiate one while he was flipping out. It was so unbelievable. I stood up to it. Somehow. But I tell ya, the humiliation of that... .

It's funny you mention that too Pearl, because after a fight (this was on day 4 of the marriage) that we had where he said he refuses to let me dictate how he lives his life he shot a text to my mother (who he feels in competition with and said I am bound to him now and have to let go and leave my family) saying, "I'm filing for divorce.  You can have her back."  The whole thing is humiliating.  I feel such guilt and shame for all the gifts we've received.  Even though our wedding was small.  It's such a farce.  And those who don't know... .I don't want to tell them that I got married... .   

[starlet564]

The frustrating thing is there is no reasoning with him.  He twists everything in his head and won't listen to anything I say.  He thinks about things a lot (he is obsessed with our marriage) and once he has things a certain way in his head, that's it.  I don't know how to handle that effectively.  I don't know that there is an effective way to handle any of this.  I told him last night in just trying to survive HIM.  Probably not super helpful. 

So true.  They are totally irrational and delusional.  Another frustrating thing, Aqua4 is that I was starting to feel like I began to believe his rationalizations and reasoning.  His explanation of certain things and because I trusted him made somewhat sense to me.  Has anyone else experienced this?

[aqua4]

Yes!  He tells me that other people see me in a negative way and just won't say it--Im a terrible example to my kids of what a wife and mother should be.  He asks me all the time if I want them to treat their husbands the way I treat him.  I have no idea what he's talking about!  But somehow I end up feeling like a bad wife and mom!  ?