Struggling with uBPD SIL's Wedding

[Lien]

Hi everyone,

It's been a bit since I've last written. Things have been relatively quiet for the past little bit since my husband stepped down from being in his uBPD sister's wedding. I don't quite know where to start, but as the wedding approaches (it is just over a week from today) and things are unresolved, my heart feels like it is torn in two. I've seen the toll that the estrangement is taking on the family, especially on my husband and MIL, and it is heartbreaking. I understand that she is likely hurting, especially since my DH stepped down from being in the wedding party and I did not go to her shower, but we were clear about our reasoning and why those actions were part of the boundaries we've put in place. I don't know how she ever expected him to stand beside her when she hadn't talked to him since January when we sat down and told her how much she had hurt us and that we were putting new boundaries in place for a healthier relationship.

I found out that my in-laws sat down with my uBPD SIL's fiance's parents the other week and talked about some of their concerns about her and the two of them getting married. Even though none of them are at the point my DH and I are (they believe it is a hardened heart/immaturity/severe anxiety) they all identify that they don't believe they should be getting married until she is in a healthier place and has better coping mechanisms in place. Her future in-laws apparently even encouraged them that there was no shame in delaying things for a bit. There's no way she would delay as she thought she should have been married already last fall even though she wasn't engaged yet. Her fiance is a good man, and I think he wants to do the right thing and follow through on his word, and he does love her, but I'm sure there is a bit of fear of what would happen if he also pushed for waiting a bit. My in-laws also said that my uBPD SIL's future in-laws were wanting to sit her down and really encourage her to reconcile with us. It's so hard on everyone involved, not just my DH and I. It's so sad to see that almost everyone who knows her is encouraging her to be healthier and to mend broken relationships (I speak here just of my DH and I, but there are more, we are just the most extreme at this point), but that she is the one holding herself back. It's painful to see someone self-destruct and be the reason they cannot experience pure joy and freedom.

We will be attending the ceremony for sure, because we do want to show that we are family and here for a relationship when she is ready (albeit not the cyclical relationship we had before with all the FOG and triangulation), but there are family photos and the reception to consider. We have a pretty strong idea about how we feel about being in family photos when we don't truly have a relationship with her. The reception is another issue because we said we were going originally thinking that she would at least begin the process of reconciliation... .Holding out hope, I suppose. But it is a week away now. Do you go out of obligation and feeling bad that her fiance's parents paid for our meals, or do we not attend and offer them reimbursement? We don't want to go and not be able to participate in the joy, we would be front and center at a table with my inlaws and it would be noticeable to everyone present that we aren't laughing and enjoying ourselves. But two empty seats will also be noticeable and painful to my inlaws. Ultimately it is my husbands family and I support his decision, but we just don't know at this point what to do yet... .our decision for now is to attend the ceremony and take the moments as they come to decide what next to participate in.

I guess my practical question is this: How do you handle big life events like weddings, when all you want to do is be there and show them your love and support, but also don't want to compromise your boundaries or well-being?

[Harri]

Hi Lien.  I am sorry this is causing so much difficulty and upset.  It is a very difficult situation to say the least. 

Is there any way you can attend the wedding and still smile and show enjoyment, even if it is just because you are with the rest of the family?  This does not have to be an either or situation.  Your husband wisely decided not to be in the wedding party.  He can participate in the pictures if he chooses to do so (I did with my brothers wedding) and it was fine.  4 pics tops, done deal. 

Do you go out of obligation and feeling bad that her fiance's parents paid for our meals, or do we not attend and offer them reimbursement? We don't want to go and not be able to participate in the joy, we would be front and center at a table with my inlaws and it would be noticeable to everyone present that we aren't laughing and enjoying ourselves. But two empty seats will also be noticeable and painful to my inlaws.

There is a middle ground here.  You can enjoy dancing with each other.  Enjoy having conversation with the other people at your table.  Make sure you have your own transportation and have signal set so you know when it is time to leave. 

If you go to the wedding focusing on the fact that you don't want to be there, feel like you are betraying yourselves in terms of your no contact, etc, you will have a hard time smiling and enjoying everything else about the celebration.  It is all about how you frame this in your heads. 

I am not saying you have to do things my way or even that my way is right.  It is simply an option and another way of thinking about things.

[Turkish]

If you make it clear that you aren't part of the wedding party,  will there still be empty spaces at the main long table? (I'm guessing) Or could you be seated at another table so everyone saves face?

There's a lot of triangulation going on here given your husband's future in-laws. It doesn't sound like bad triangulation as they are offering solutions without abusing you.  There might be drama at the wedding given your SIL (I've seen it on my own life with people), but if you're just a guest with your H, that's a way to be detached from possible drama.  What do you think?

[Notwendy]

This is a sad beginning for their marriage, if the family is already divided at the wedding- and they are. In addition, both sets of parents have expressed concerns.



A large concern for this couple is this statement: Her fiance is a good man, and I think he wants to do the right thing and follow through on his word, and he does love her, but I'm sure there is a bit of fear of what would happen if he also pushed for waiting a bit.

Fear of expressing his feelings, fear of boundaries due to her reaction is setting the stage for a difficult future. Basically it seems that close family members and the groom are going to smile and nod through this while they have reservations. But ultimately- it is their wedding, and their decision to make. Well intended advice from others is not generally accepted well when a couple chooses to be together.

Also- while the BPD bride is considered to be the main problem, a spouse who is afraid to speak his mind can contribute to issues. It's best to not point the finger at only the bride. He is part of this decision that ultimately only they can make and deal with.

It's hard to know the boundaries here but you and your H are both part of a family as well as individuals. If others are alienated, you don't have to be and vice versa. It is awkward that your H is also alienated and you are expected to attend the wedding. You don't want to go. It may help to look at the pros and cons of attending from a long range perspective- what is the damage of going vs not going- in the long run. The couple may have children. Do you want to be involved in any of that ( from a distance). By not attending, the bride may completely cut you out of their lives. By attending, you may be exposed to drama but also have the opportunity to leave the door open, should she decide to reconcile in the future. There may be more issues that you know that could sway the decision one way or another. For family pics, I'd let them decide to ask you or not. There will be bride and groom ones, and family ones. It could feel like making a statement, but it really is just pictures.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lien-
I understand how difficult a situation you find yourself in regarding the upcoming wedding, the pain involved in BPD relationships and the strong desire to adhere to boundaries once we work so hard to establish them.

But it’s a wedding... .a life event.  And my opinion for what little it’s worth, is that if you and your DH do NOT attend with smiles and full support (faking is ok), then there likely won’t be a path toward reconciliation.  His sister will likely NOT forgive the fact that you and her brother didn’t attend the reception and dance at her wedding.  In some cultures, dancing at the wedding is akin to blessing the Union.  Her brother’s absence will be very obvious and embarrassing to her.  It would be to anyone.

From one standpoint, YOU have the awareness that a BPD does not.  You know she is unable to take the first step toward reconciliation.  Shame prevents that honorable step.  Perhaps You can somehow communicate, after the event, that celebrating with them means you and DH are prepared to move forward with open hearts and welcome her beloved fiancé into the arms of the family.  She is the scared one.  You’re not.  Smile in a photo if asked to be in a photo.  If not, that’s her childish issue, not yours.  Lots of photos just include brothers and sisters and NOT spouses.  Mine did.

And after the wedding, you really never need to see her again.  That’s your choice.

I hope I’m not sounding insensitive to you, that is not my intention at all.  And again, I truly understand the hurt, although I do not know the extent of yours in this situation.  But when all is said and done, this wedding is about two other people.  And only about them.

You are strong enough to support that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Lien]

Wow, thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Each one of you has very valid points and perspectives, and I really appreciate hearing them and having those insights to add to the conversations I have with my DH.

As an update, on Thursday evening, my uBPD SIL (23) asked us to meet. We met up at my in-law's house since it is neutral ground for both parties (other than being in public and we didn't want to put any of us through that). My in-laws were not around, but said we could use their place.

She began by directing the conversation to me and my DH and I sat in silence and let her say her piece. I don't know if any of you have similar experiences, but she did apologize with many of the "right words" and many underlying excuses such as jealousy causing her to do things and lack of awareness that she was hurting us instead of taking ownership of her actions. There was an eerie lack of emotion, aside from a slight smile the whole time and tearing up at a couple odd moments. There were two very strong impressions, that this was more about her and her feelings/stopping her pain rather than addressing ours and that I hope to high heaven that she has BPD and doesn't have the capacity rather than just being an awful person who is consciously playing a game. Then she said that the point of this all was ":)o you forgive me". I can confidently reply that I have forgiven her and I *am* forgiving her (which is the truth of the matter, at least for me, that it is both a choice and a process), but that I still don't trust her and will need time to develop that trust. Things rather devolved from there and became all about her and how we hurt her. My husband said that we would only see her from here on out with a counselor present, because we all seem to want a relationship, but none of us have the skillset to rebuild from here on our own. She did not like that at all and questioned why we wouldn't trust her and said that we just want to monitor her. Yes, part of it is that we don't trust her, but we honestly also feel like we don't know where to start. She said that she'll think of if that is something she wants to do.

My FIL was home at this point and puttering around in the basement out of the way, so after several moments of silence, she said she was leaving and went downstairs to him. A bit later, my MIL came home and went directly downstairs. My DH and I stayed because we felt it important that if there were more questions from my in-laws or conversation to be had, we would all be in the same place. Well, my FIL came up and questioned why we wouldn't forgive my SIL, to which my husband stayed firm in saying we will talk about this with everyone present. So my FIL went back downstairs and shortly after my MIL came up with the same questions and saying that my SIL was hurt. Again, we did not want any of the triangulation. We stated that we forgive her and just don't trust her. And we stated that any further conversations about the matter should include her. She refused to come up, so we eventually left.

My husband is heartbroken, I'm frustrated and heartbroken. We do want to keep that door open to reconciliation and not going to the ceremony has never been on the table and we truly do want to go to the reception for the purpose of keeping that door open. We aren't sure that we have the capacity at this point to fake it and don't want to spoil anything either... .since the point isn't that we want her to be miserable or pay penance. How do you fake a smile when your heart hurts so much?

[Notwendy]

Lien, a semi apology is probably the best you will get from someone with BPD. Because of their strong tendencies for denial and projection, facing their own actions is a challenge. I've nicknamed the type of apology they do as the "dry erase board" method. The idea is - that if they say they are sorry ( sometimes they don't even do that, they just act good ) then the issue is erased. It doesn't absolve the issue for you, but it does for them and they assume it does for you too.

Often the offensive behavior is done in a dysreguated state- and they may even have a fuzzy memory about it. Their feelings are in the moment, and once the feelings are gone, so is their reason for doing/saying what they did. Also, if they were in victim mode, they may have felt their actions were justified.

You are entitled to feel what you feel, and your feelings are justified- in any normal situation that half hearted apology would not be acceptable. This looked like a mismatch of expectations. She apologized and expected the dry erase method- you'd all agree to act as if it didn't happen. You and your H replied that her actions have consequences- and it will take some time for you two to trust her. The emotions she felt when you said this probably triggered another dysregulation- or at least took her back into victim perspective.

In families where there is a disordered person, other members tend to accommodate the person- and even enable them. This is seen as normal in the family dynamics. The Karpman triangle is a model for behavior in such families. Your in laws are likely used to this kind of apology. It is probably all they have seen your SIL do, and they know that it is less likely to cause drama if they just accept it. Because it is their norm, they probably assumed that  you and your H would go along with it too. When your SIL got upset and went to the basement, it looks like FIL and MIL stepped in as rescuers to her hurt feelings. This is probably a normal pattern for them.

How do you deal with the hurt? For me, understanding the dynamics of BPD and families where there is a member with BPD helped me to not take things in my own FOO personally. I could see where their behavior was more about them than me. My father was a rescuer to my BPD mother. When I started to have boundaries on her, it upset the family balance. I used to rescue/enabler her too and this made the family as a unit more stable. My father got angry at me and told me he wanted us to be a "happy family" again. I thought that was an odd thing to say. My BPD mother emotionally abused me and I was not happy. But that was an outlet for her emotions and she seemed happier when she had someone to project her feelings on. It appeared that we were more stable as a family unit when all of us were enabling/rescuing her. Dad assumed things were OK when she seemed OK.

When one family member changes the way they relate in a family ( perhaps your H has) and stops enabling, the family as a unit feels off balance and uncomfortable to the other members. The first thing the other members will do is try to enlist the family member back into his/her enabling role. Your H may be standing up more to his FOO. His parents expected you to respond the way they do to SIL's "apology". You didn't. That doesn't mean it was wrong of you, it just felt wrong to them.

To co-exist in these situations, I think it takes the more stable ones being the "bigger person". It doesn't mean you don't have boundaries or accept unacceptable behaviors, but in large family events like weddings, it can mean you attend, smile, and just don't get into any drama for a few hours, then leave and go back to your own life away from these members.

[Pilpel]

Lien, from what I'm reading of your story, I have a lot of respect for the strong boundaries you and your husband are setting with your SIL. As difficult as it is, I think you and your husband are doing the right thing by setting boundaries and thinking about what YOU are comfortable with. 

My brother married N/BPD SIL after barely knowing her, too.  Their engagement was very short.  Just as your inlaws are being very upfront with her fiancee's family, my SIL's family was also very upfront with my brother and our family, telling my brother that her condition is not going to get better and that it's okay to change his mind, and advising the rest of the family not to let her disrupt our peace and happiness. 

Before they married, SIL was awful to my mom and to me.  So much so that I didn't even want to go to their wedding.  But not only did I go, but my brother convinced me to do work at their wedding.  Which I believe was by her prodding, because it makes her feel special when people are doing things for her.  I didn't know anything about N/BPD at that time, and had no idea what we were dealing with and I didn't understand why interacting with her was so confusing and disruptive.  Years later, she told me that "she allowed me to help with her wedding because the wedding venue was all my idea."  As if I was pushing myself on them to help, or like I forced her to chose her wedding venue. 

Ultimately, I want my actions to come from a loving place.  And while I value forgiveness and turning the other cheek, I think the people who are able to show the most genuine love for a person with a personality disorder are people who have strong boundaries.  I think there are some good videos on here from Brene Brown that talk about genuine love and boundaries. 

[Lien]

Not Wendy, I don't think you could have described our situation more accurately. I shared your thoughts with my husband and he was impressed with your insights and relieved that someone out there understands and would take the time to write that. It was a good reminder to us of the triangle, which we have studied and tried to recognize when we engage in it ourselves (acting the victim, trying to protect his mother, etc). The dynamic you described is very accurate of my DH’s family, with all good intentions, and it is specifically one that we have endeavored not to continue in… but I think we underestimated the impact that would have on the family dynamic and how it would throw things into a bit of a frenzy trying to get things back to how it “worked” before!

We actually spoke with my uBPD SIL’s future in-laws yesterday and it was both discouraging and encouraging. They definitely don’t think it is any notable mental health issue and is just “immaturity” and “anxiety”. We were put on the spot a bit and challenged as to our behaviour in the whole situation. I felt like they never truly understood that while we have messed up along the way, we’ve invested so much into attempting to reconcile and just plain into the relationship. I feel like sometimes, because she’s louder and more public with her pain, people can forget that other people are hurting as well. That doesn’t excuse us from screwing up, but sometimes the bigger person needs some TLC from those around as well as the other person. So many people have encouraged my DH (and I) to be the bigger person or to be more loving/gracious, but none have asked us what happened nor have they asked how my DH is doing. He’s hurting too. For me, it has been exceptionally rough as well. There have been conversations had (or attempted) to say that we are (and specifically I am) offering conditional forgiveness (because I said that I forgive her, but that we still need to rebuild trust) and that we haven’t given our all to caring and considering my uBPD SIL. Do they not realize that we have spent the last 6 months trying to connect with her, especially prior to my DH stepping down from their wedding where she called us crying and we spent a month trying to set a date to get together with either no response from her or “that date doesn’t work for us”. Do they not remember that she stopped talking to use after we told her that she hurt us? Do they remember that while, yes, I didn’t attend her bridal shower (which was in part a boundary for my health), I helped set it up and made dinner for her, her fiancé and our parents afterwards? It even got to the point that I was admonished yesterday by one family member for not hugging her (because this was an example of her trying and us “rebuffing” her attempts, even though I specifically have done so each time except once because I know how important hugging is in this family, despite not being a very touchy person due to having hugs used as emotional manipulation as a child (ironically, my DH and I talked on our way home the last time that happened and we decided it was something that was crossing a boundary and maybe I shouldn’t do it). Sometimes I just want to scream that this isn’t fair and that we’ve spent so much of the first year of our marriage dealing with her. I feel discouraged and disillusioned. There are moments where I wonder if I’m going absolutely crazy if everyone else has such a different reality than I do. I question if I’ve been a good sister-in-law, or even a good person. But when I stop and step back from the mess, or talk with my close friends who would (and do) call me out if they saw me behaving in a way that doesn’t line up with my values or another person’s well-being… I find a small bit of peace knowing we’ve at least loved her in the best way we’ve been able to at the time. I can't say we've been perfect, but we've been learning a lot and trying out all the strategies we've found here and the ones we've found in our research. I know that we’ve also been dealing with ourselves and our issues too, because you can’t avoid them in situations like these. We have invested our heart and soul into this because we do love her and believe with help she can function better than she is now, and we also want to love her *well*. Heart and soul now sometimes means boundaries and not playing a part in the cycle that has so long been building!

My husband and I are Christians and have been grappling with what forgiveness really means and looks like. We've come to the understanding that while it does mean that we are no longer holding past mistakes over her head, that doesn't mean that we need to proceed like nothing happened. We think that would be rather foolish to trust unreservedly. This is not my FOO, but everyone does have their own story, and I do face my own baggage, many years of counselling and seeking healing. I battle with the concept that I'm not allowed to feel hurt and that I must always be the bigger person/the one responsible for making the relationship work. Those were conditions in at least one major relationship that I had growing up. I've been practicing asserting my boundaries over the past few years and, while it may have been clumsily handled, I'm proud that I was able to tell someone "this is not an okay way to treat me, if you want to continue to be in relationship, this is how we can do that". (Actually, funny you should mention it, PilPel, but I had posted one of those Brene Brown videos a bit ago on here and that came to mind! Funny how sometimes you need to keep relearning the same thing)

That being said, my DH had been preparing himself to write a letter to his little sister, saying how much he loved her and missed her and how happy she is that she found such a great guy. He was going to put it in our card with the wedding gift and I had encouraged him to send it before the wedding, however he wasn’t ready. After our conversation with her future in-laws and their admonishment that we haven’t shown her love enough/in ways she feels it, we talked in the car. We decided that we do want to make known that we love her, even if it feels like she should know that by now and regardless of the fact that she hasn’t been showing us the love either. So we decided to head over to her place to tell her and her fiancé that. We made sure it was a short visit and that we went only to say that and nothing else (both us not having the expectations for a good response and not giving her a chance to get into anything, it was about nothing other than an opportunity for him to say “I love you, and I miss you”).

And now I come full circle with my thoughts, having learned a bit more. It’s hard to not take things personally, but I think that the reminder of everyone’s (especially our) part of the puzzle really helps. It is also a reminder to me that it isn’t just my uBPD SIL’s problem, that she’s the one with issues and we’re all victims of that, but that it is our problem as a family because of how we relate to one another and how we all facilitate one another’s difficulties. I do think that everyone is just doing their best, but I think our attempts can end up harming more than helping, whatever our intentions may be (and that definitely includes my husband and I). From here on out, I think we will have better boundaries, but also that we will validate her more and also not expect/pressure her as much to be somewhere she is not in her growth path. We’ll stop carrying the weight of responsibility for making that relationship be something it isn’t (and can’t be yet) that people have put on our shoulders and that we have taken up ourselves and give everyone a bit more time for healing to take place. Thanks everyone for letting me process this here!

[Pilpel]

Lien

I just had this conversation with someone on this board.  I don't think I was on the same thread as you, but I apologize if I'm repeating myself. I would guess that the future inlaws are not purposely discounting your experience and feelings.  They've probably never really dealt with someone with a personality disorder before. Their soon to be DIL appears mostly normal but immature to them.  They're doing what pretty much any normal person who has spent their life interacting with mostly normal people do  --they recognize that everyone has some immaturity, is a little self-centered at times, and that we sometimes lie to ourselves.  And they extend the grace they hope that others extend to them for their immaturity. 

I also talked to some extended family about my experience with my SIL and tried to convey to them that it was disturbing and not normal.  And the response I got back was a little wink and smile  "It's normal for personalities to clash and for inlaws to butt heads, but it gets better."  Fast forward 6 or so years, and EVERY single person who thought I was exaggerating has experienced being the target of SIL's irrational expectations and FOG, they've all unwittingly stepped on her eggshells, and they have all found it deeply upsetting and not at all normal. 

So it may not be that the future inlaws are being insensitive to your experience, they just don't have a real point of reference to empathize with you.  But they're going to be the inlaws, and they will inevitably find out the hard way. 

[Harri]

That is an excellent post Pipel, thank you for posting that. 

And now I come full circle with my thoughts, having learned a bit more. It’s hard to not take things personally, but I think that the reminder of everyone’s (especially our) part of the puzzle really helps. It is also a reminder to me that it isn’t just my uBPD SIL’s problem, that she’s the one with issues and we’re all victims of that, but that it is our problem as a family because of how we relate to one another and how we all facilitate one another’s difficulties. I do think that everyone is just doing their best, but I think our attempts can end up harming more than helping, whatever our intentions may be (and that definitely includes my husband and I). From here on out, I think we will have better boundaries, but also that we will validate her more and also not expect/pressure her as much to be somewhere she is not in her growth path. We’ll stop carrying the weight of responsibility for making that relationship be something it isn’t (and can’t be yet) that people have put on our shoulders and that we have taken up ourselves and give everyone a bit more time for healing to take place. Thanks everyone for letting me process this here!

Yes.  I really can't think of anything to add.  Yu and Pilpel have it covered.

[Notwendy]

I'm glad my post helped you. Dealing with BPD mother, my family dynamics, and observing her family dynamics have revealed these patterns to me.

I can relate to your feeling being minimized. My BPD mother tends to behave better with people outside her most intimate circle- husband and kids, so they don't really see it. We've heard " she's not that bad" "you should be nicer to her" so many times we just stopped talking to people about it. Some have figured it out on their own, others not. Somehow her behavior is excused, and we were supposed to excuse it too.

You mentioned something about your own childhood issues - hugging used as manipulation. This would be interesting for you to explore. When someone unintentionally "triggers" our own childhood issues, we may not react in the best way. I've read marriage books and one interesting theory about attraction is that we tend to marry someone with similar family of origin patterns. Because of how we grew up- the person we are attracted to feels "familiar" in some way. This doesn't necessarily mean a bad outcome for the marriage and it may help to understand each other. The families may not even the same issues, but the patterns may be similar. This was a mystery to me because my in laws do not have BPD. The link was in enabling/co-dependency.  My mother had BPD and my father was her enabler. My MIL is an enabler. In both our families, members were manipulative in different ways. Understanding the family patterns helped me to understand when I felt "triggered" by someone and when my husband did.

[Lien]

Wow, thanks everyone for your support!

Harri , thanks for checking in!

Pilpel

So it may not be that the future inlaws are being insensitive to your experience, they just don't have a real point of reference to empathize with you.  But they're going to be the inlaws, and they will inevitably find out the hard way. 

I definitely think you're right. Even though they said they were familiar with the illness and that they didn't think she had it, they haven't yet seen the full picture with her yet OR there is also the possibility that my husband and I are wrong. A lot of the symptoms of it are there, but perhaps it is something else. Either way, if she is getting better, that is good because that is what we have all wanted all along... .if she isn't, well then they will discover that the hard way. We aren't responsible for rescuing them.

NotWendy

I can relate to your feeling being minimized. My BPD mother tends to behave better with people outside her most intimate circle- husband and kids, so they don't really see it. We've heard " she's not that bad" "you should be nicer to her" so many times we just stopped talking to people about it. Some have figured it out on their own, others not. Somehow her behavior is excused, and we were supposed to excuse it too.

We took the time on Tuesday to apologize to some people for our part in the issue, and state our boundary of not talking about these issues again. We needed to own up to that, both to them and to ourselves. That's going to be one of our biggest boundaries moving forward. The more we entertain conversations with others (or between the two of us or even mental conversations of things besides what is absolutely necessary), the more pressure and FOG we feel and the more we end up being a part of the problem.

You mentioned something about your own childhood issues - hugging used as manipulation. This would be interesting for you to explore. When someone unintentionally "triggers" our own childhood issues, we may not react in the best way. I've read marriage books and one interesting theory about attraction is that we tend to marry someone with similar family of origin patterns. Because of how we grew up- the person we are attracted to feels "familiar" in some way. This doesn't necessarily mean a bad outcome for the marriage and it may help to understand each other. The families may not even the same issues, but the patterns may be similar. This was a mystery to me because my in laws do not have BPD. The link was in enabling/co-dependency.  My mother had BPD and my father was her enabler. My MIL is an enabler. In both our families, members were manipulative in different ways. Understanding the family patterns helped me to understand when I felt "triggered" by someone and when my husband did.

I think you're right, this is definitely something to look into more. My DH and I have decided that we are going to go to counselling together. I went to years of counselling when I was younger, but it has been a while. Definitely getting new insights and good tools for our marriage won't hurt! My DH is like my father, and we've always gotten along well (which is not to say he's perfect), and my mother was the one that I predominantly struggled with. She comes from a long history of family brokenness and, while she herself has made long strides from the generation before, there are still patterns that played out in my childhood with her and my father enabled her as they were always a united front. There was a lot of me not allowed to be hurt and a lot of my mom getting hurt/offended by things that I had done (to the extent of driving off or leaving me somewhere a couple of times, being forced to hug her etc.). We've all grown a lot through the years, which is probably why this trigger threw me off! Something to explore since clearly it isn't fully resolved. It is interesting that there has been so much focus on hugs lately (especially from my MIL who is the enabler/rescuer in this dynamic and the family member I connect with most aside from my husband), to the extent of people saying that we've been rebuffing/rejecting her hugs and thus rejecting her attempts to make it right, but it is also interesting that though they accuse us of this through this whole experience I definitely forced myself to continue hugging my SIL except for once at the very end, despite anxiety etc. As I type I am realizing more, and thinking I definitely need to explore this dynamic and maybe think more clearly about my boundaries. I can be courteous and kind, but I don't think that necessarily means I have to hug her if it triggers me so much (maybe some day once I work through it, but I don't think it means I have to now). I just hope that isn't wrong.

How these boundaries play out on the wedding day is yet TBD. It's interesting that right now the thoughts are less about my uBPD SIL and more about many others (her future in-laws, my in-laws, etc) and navigating the FOG from them. There were more messages even after our apologies about how we should be loving and kind, go to the wedding, and hug her, all of which we have chosen not to respond to. We're 100% okay with going to the ceremony and bringing our gift and card with well-wishes... .and we will try to do the rest, we just won't (or will try not to) condemn ourselves if we can't do any more than that, even if people expect/pressure us to. Our motivation can't come from if we are scared that we will "break the relationship for good" as people have been saying or fear that they will all hate us for not being able to do something, or obligation that it is our familial/Christian duty, or guilt that just maybe we haven't done enough... .We'll do our best and if that is all we can do, that has to be good enough. Goodness that's easier said than done!