Advice needed: How to cope with overprotective and extremely strict BPD mum

[MissDisney]

Hi all,

I'm really hoping to get some advice as to how to deal with my mum being extremely overprotective, to the point where I'm finding it difficult to establish and maintain relationships with others because I'm not allowed to leave the house. As some background, I'm 20 and still living at home. I live in Australia so most people stay living at home during their university years until around 24 or so. I am hoping to move out earlier, and my relationship with my mother makes that more urgent for me.

Anyway, for my entire life, mum has been extremely overprotective of everything that I do, although I only really noticed it from 15-16 years old onward. I have tried for years to prove to her that I'm trustworthy, but nothing I do can convince her that I deserve freedom and won't make stupid decisions. Everything I do to win her over is shut down and she is convinced that I have some ulterior motive to everything I do. I've spent my entire life trying to please her and make her happy so that she might trust me and let me live my own life. I got a job and my driver's license very young so that I could help financially and be more independent (so that I didn't have to rely on her all the time), I have a perfect GPA at university and was valedictorian of my school, and I've never once done anything that could be considered as bad or rebellious of any sort (because the thought of doing anything rebellious and getting caught gives me anxiety attacks). I never forget to text her my every move, I'm always home before curfew (I found that out the hard way when I was home 4 minutes past curfew one time), I'm always where she thinks I am... .I do everything she asks of me and more... .But even with all of this, it's not enough to make her trust me and let me have some freedom. It's at the point now where I feel suffocated, and I can't talk to her about it because she'll yell at me and accuse me of being ungrateful that she cares about me, and that I should feel lucky that she gives a damn. The one time I did try and discuss the possibility of having more freedom (around 18 months or so ago), she got so offended and a huge fight ensued, where she made me feel like the bad person for wanting such a thing, and she told me that I was an annoying, rude child that felt entitled to anything and everything. I haven't mentioned anything like it since.

But now I'm 20 and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't go anywhere without basically getting her permission first, and I can't go out more than a couple times a week before she starts accusing me of not appreciating my family enough and not spending enough time with my family, even though when I am at home I'm not usually socialising with my family anyway... .I still have a curfew of 11:30 or midnight at the latest, and she will wait up for me, literally watching the clock, until I get home. She always threatens that if I come home late she'll never let me out again. I'm of legal age in Australia but I'm not allowed to go out for the night with my friends, and the one time I tried she was screaming at me, calling my friends sluts and whores and trashy and all these other horrible names. I spent the entire night out in tears, and in all honesty whenever I think of that night I get panic attacks. I've had to say no to what feels like hundreds of plans because I know I won't be able to go, and spontaneous friend catch-ups are out of the question because she'd freak out about that. I HAVE to be home for dinner basically every night, because she gets really sensitive about it if I'm not, although I'm not sure why. Because of this, my friends have stopped inviting me out because I'm so 'boring' that I won't go anyway, and it's extremely hurtful to see them all out having fun when I can't be there too. They all think that I'm this square that's too good for hanging out with them, when I wish for nothing more than to see them. And now, I can't even maintain friendships because I'm never allowed to see them, and so I've had many friends drift away. I can't even explain it to them because none of my friends have ever had strict parents, and I'm past the age where I can use a strict mum as an excuse. It's extremely lonely and isolating, and I've never felt more alone in my life because I have no one I can turn to.

I've had a boyfriend for over two and a half years, and mum really likes him but she still cannot trust him. If he's at our house we can't be in any room together with the door shut, and if I'm at his house my curfew is usually 11pm. I once asked to stay later and got in big trouble. If I'm there during the day she makes sure that we aren't alone there. I'm not allowed to stay at his house and he's not allowed to stay at mine, and the very idea of that makes her furious. I'm not allowed to go for even a day trip away with him, or with any boys, let alone on a holiday with him. He's getting frustrated with it all and asking me why I can't just talk to her about it or let him talk to her about it, but that just makes me so panicked that he usually backs off. Every birthday/anniversary/Christmas he talks about how he wanted to take me on a trip away but my mum "ruined" that idea. He also is starting to judge her for it and he gets really annoyed about how little I can see him, and although I loathe how she is making me feel and what she is doing, I don't know why but I get so defensive of her and it's really putting a strain on our relationship. It's because of this I don't feel I can talk to him about it, because he isn't always understanding.

This whole thing may just sound plain stupid, but I feel as though she has taken some of the best years of my life away from me. What makes it worse is that I can't even talk to her rationally about it without her telling me I'm a horrible child and threatening to kick me out of the house. Her reaction when I told her I was thinking about taking a year off after high school was something I will unfortunately never forget. I know I have many more years to experience life, but as long as I'm living at home, I know her attitude will never change. She always said I could do what I wanted when I turned 18, but then when I turned 18 she said that as long as I was living under her roof, it was her rules and I was going to follow them. My dad isn't that strict at all, but he always just goes along with what mum says because he's afraid to speak against her. I'm just so scared to mention anything to her, because my mum terrifies me. I just feel so lonely and sad all the time, even though I know the whole issue is pretty dumb. I'm just so lost, and I don't know how much longer I can stand her rules.

Sorry for the long post, I think I also needed the therapy of venting it all

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having to live with and deal with a very controlling BPD mom. I was raised by a BPD mother and to this day she is determined to control my life even though I live three thousand miles away. First of all, having a BPD parent was not your choice, and none of this is your fault. Right now, you are probably in the most frustrating stage of having to deal with your mom, as you live at home, and she is determined to control your every move. I  am assuming that you are planning to move out when you can, and right now you want to know how to best survive until then. There are many of us on this site who feel for you as we have a BPD mom and know how hard it is, yet we have slowly gotten stronger and have happier lives from facing this enormous and unfair challenge. I say unfair challenge because we all deserve to have a parent that supports our growth instead of a controlling one. Do read as many of the educational materials on this site as you can. Many of us have chosen to go to therapy. I have been in therapy for many years, and I feel it has helped me to become stronger and more able to deal with my BPD mom while accepting that she will never change her ways. Take care and keep us posted. We are here to listen. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Harri]

Hi MissDisney.  Let me join zachira in saying we get it and we can certainly listen and help you as much as we can.  We can't change your situation but we can support you and help you learn some of the tools that are aimed at improving things for you even if it is 'just' to sit more comfortably with your feelings and to learn that your mothers behaviors are not within your control so you can stop twisting yourself all up inside trying to get her to see you and trust you.

Like you and Zachira, my mother was very controlling.  What was different with my mother is that she did not have rules I had to follow, she instead used emotional blackmail.  It was very effective because I was raised with it so my instincts drove me to try to please and appease her.  The thought of not doing so resulted in so much anxiety I shut down.  It was too much for me to handle.  I ended up living with my parents until my mid to late 30's.  Not trying to top your story, just letting you know I can relate and to know that I am very pleased that you are able to see the problems in spite of the anxiety.  

There are a few articles I think you may benefit by reading:
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt
Projection
Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

There are many other articles as well, but I think these may help you start to detach and lessen a lot of the anxiety you are feeling.  We also have another poster here whose board name is Deirdre and she just moved out of her parents house.  Your situations are somewhat different but there are enough similarities that you may benefit by reading her posts and maybe even posting in them.  You can do a member search to pull up her profile and then at the bottom of the page click read latest posts.

Let me know what you think of the articles and please do keep posting.  We really do get it and you can learn and heal a lot by participating  through reading, posting in your own threads and answering others here.  I can't talk enough about how much I have benefitted by posting here and being supported by some really cool people.

Hope to see more of you.  Take good care.

[Turkish]

If my college age kids were to live with me,  I'd set rules a little more strict than if I were renting rooms to strangers, yet at the same time is respect their independence as adults.  Indeed,  it's my job to make sure they become productive adults and they aren't responsible for my feelings.  

That level of control would drive me nuts as I'm sure they do to you.  

Your mum is treating you as if you are 13, though, not 20. You sound like you've done great academically and you should be proud of that! Has she ever told you that she is proud of you?

My ex's mom I think has undiagnosed anxiety (the youngest child didn't even learn to ride a bike until he was like 16, and still doesn't know how to swim despite their mom losing a son by drowning over 20 years ago). He was forbidden from ever having a sleepover at a friend's house because it was too dangerous.  This bled down to my ex who is diagnosed with Anxiety and even though we get along,  she still asserts overly anxious behaviors towards our kids. I posit that with her,  as with your mum, this is about her not you.  

What if you call her bluff and get kicked out? Room with friends? I lived hand to mouth from 18-20 going through college.  It was very tough.  Even working part time i was food deficient.  I had freedom 50 miles away, however.

The fights are taking a toll on your r/s, more with you as anything normal (and what you want to do is normal) triggers your mother.  

Do you think a discussion using the tools might help?

TOOLS: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)
 The idea behind all these tools is that a BPD has to have trust reinforced and fears of inadequancy soothed before they can listen or hear.  The non-BP validates that the feeling are real feelings (not that they justified).  The non-BP then shifts the discussion on what the real issue is and what can be done about it. These tools put a lot of responsibility of the non-BP to bridge the communication/emotional inadequacy. The assumption is that that non-BP is the emotional caretaker in these situations.   Learn these important skills.    
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

We can guess,  likely accurately,  what is the source of her fears.  It might help to use the tools and ask.  Even if it doesn't work,  you will learn something to help you move forward.  

[MissDisney]

Thank you to all of you Turkish, Harri, and zachira for your kind words. I think it really helps just to be able to talk about it with people who understand because it makes me realise that I don't have to feel guilty for feeling the way I do, so thank you all for the wonderful support.

Harri, I understand the frustration with the emotional blackmail, as mum has resorted to that also, more so throughout my younger years when I was more vulnerable to it. She'd mainly use it to put our family against my dad if she was in a bad mood with him, or to make me feel guilty for a certain decision I'd made that she didn't like. These days, I've learned not to express opinions or do things that might trigger her, and if she starts going off about dad I usually just try and defuse the situation as much as possible. Thank you so much for the article recommendations; I'll definitely check them out.

Turkish, thank you also for your advice and understanding. Mum does tell me she's proud of me, but only on her 'good' days. When she's having a good day, she's a loving and caring mother, despite being overbearing. I think this is her in her idolising phase, because she feels us kids can do no wrong. On her bad days though, we're just ungrateful brats. I try to remember that deep down she is proud of me, but it does get hard sometimes because even when she says she's proud, there's always something more I can do... .She's always put a huge emphasis on academics; she never cared about my passion for theatre or my creative side, so in high school I gave all that stuff up and focused on what I thought would make her proud. I've thought myself she may have undiagnosed anxiety also, but I don't know if it's part of her having BPD or something separate.

I have wondered about what would happen if I called her bluff; she threatened my brother with kicking him out many times and she never ended up doing it. I think the main problem is that he was always much more courageous than I am in terms of standing his ground with her. I hate conflict (which I think has stemmed from me being terrified when conflict arises at home), so it gives me pretty bad anxiety when I think about potentially having to face off with her at that extreme. I also don't know if I could make it on my own at this stage. I'm saving all the money I can with working part-time, but I'm in medical school which takes up a lot of my time, so I'm not sure I could afford to be on my own and still get the grades needed to pass classes.

I'll check out the tools, that might help me in coming up with a strategy to talk to her as rationally as possible. Thank you!