My DIL has BPD

[granola]

I am the mother of five. My oldest son is married to a woman with BPD. I have only recently learned about this personality disorder, but the books I am reading confirm it. I have been reading on this site and am amazed that so many people have had exactly my experiences. I could have dictated their posts. I have not seen my DIL or my two grandchildren in over two years. The kids are only five and have forgotten who I am. My son communicates through occasional texts and by "loving" everything any member of his family posts on facebook--even the group pictures of all of us at holiday gatherings that they have not been allowed to attend for years now. My DIL has all the traits, though I'm not at all aware of what goes on in their home. She has told him that he can see his family all he wants, but that if he ever puts his children in our presence, she will pack them in the car and leave and he'll never see them again. He says he has no time to see any of us because he has to race home from work. She is a stay-at-home mom, and the stress of normal life is too much for her. There were signs from the beginning of their relationship, but I was unaware of the illness and did not recognize them. She cried whenever she left our house, telling him I had humiliated her and insulted her. When I asked him what I had done specifically, he said, "That's just how she sees it, and there's nothing I can do about that." I told him her hurt feelings were completely unanticipateable, and that I never hurt anyone deliberately. He could never tell me what I needed to apologize for. We are a big, loving family. Two of my other children live in town and have kids. We gather at least twice a week to have supper together. The others live two hours away, and they come home often so the cousins can play. The alienated son lives in town, minutes away, but he has told me that his wife plans her day, her life, really, around not ever running in to me. She has been successful so far. I didn't know that this could happen. I have spent over two years in misery over this alienation. I have been to two therapists, both of whom told me to consider my son dead. They said there's no cure for BPD, and that in severe cases like this one, the only way out is divorce or death. I didn't go back, because I was looking for a way to fix it. There apparently isn't one. I read a post from sherryg who stated my life exactly. I, too, have worried about what to do. Leave them alone, as my son requested, or continue to reach out to them. My other children have rallied around me, trying to fill the gap their brother's absence has made, but that's not how it works. And that's not their responsibility. They have all reached out to him, but he has told them all he is stuck, and that he vowed to cling to her, and to forsake all others. But he is miserable. For almost two years he blamed me for the same things she did. Only recently has he indicated that he knows I didn't do the things she said. He has quit copying her story, but he sees no way out. I suggested therapy, of course, and he said she would never go, because she thinks she's right. He is a doctor, and so is his closest brother. The brother wrote him a harsh letter, telling him they had both studied mental illness, that he knew what his wife had, and that he was enabling her behavior. He told him he was there for him if he wanted help, but otherwise not to contact them, because he would not be a party to enabling his wife. My son is so wounded by this. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. So right now I am following the advice of one of the contributors who said she has learned to deal with the grief. If anyone knows what to do in this situation, please tell me.

[Notwendy]

Hi Granola, yes, unfortunately your situation is similar to many posters on this board. In my case, my BPD mother alienated my father ( now deceased )from me ( as an adult). I then found out from one of his family members that the same thing happened to his family when they got married. At the time, I felt sorry for myself but I also felt very sad for his mother. I know she loved him and was a good mother. My father's family disliked my mother from the beginning and the feelings were mutual.

A model that helped me understand the situation is the Karpman Triangle. From my own observation, my mother takes victim mode. When she does that, my father stepped in as her rescuer. This dynamic helped stabilized an often dramatic relationship for them. When the two of them were bonded together against a common " persecutor" they felt connected and looked outward, not at their own issues. This kind of bond needs a persecutor- the persecutor may vary but someone or several someones are painted black.

The black and white thinking is also accountable for this. My mother sees people as either on her side or not her side. To be on "her side" one has to validate her distorted thinking- basically enable her or be cast out of her world. She doesn't see how her own actions effect how others behave towards her, and even if they did nothing wrong, she interprets them from victim perspective. Telling her the truth about her is likely to send her spiraling into victim mode and my father jumps in as rescuer. Something about him also drove him to take on this role, despite knowing better. He was not a doctor like your son, but he was a highly educated and intelligent man. Yet, somehow he chose to ignore his own perception, cut ties with his family, and even his own child- because I wouldn't enable my mother's distorted ideas.

I don't think processing this like a death is completely accurate. When the person is alive, there is still hope, and for me , that hope remained  until my father passed away. He did raise me and maintain a relationship with me for most of his life. It was in his later years that I stood up to my mother. But I  held on to hope that he'd let go of his anger towards me as long as he was alive. I think in your case, you will always hold on to hope for your son. I think you can also hold on to this hope as we can not know the future.

I think it is more accurate to describe it as your son ( and my father) is in a cult. A cult is based enough on reality to draw subjects in ( some basis on established religion ) and then slowly the subjects come under the cult's control- accept the distorted part of it. There is also probably fear on the part of your son, fear for the children and being cut off from them, fear for her- as she may hurt herself if he upsets her.

Unfortunately, I don't think this situation can be helped by anyone on the outside. In my family- my mother's wishes prevailed no matter what they were. I don't fully understand the power she had over my father, but she had it because he allowed it. This is something your son has to handle and decide about. If you read the relationship board, you will know that the spouses are dealing with challenges. Yet, we don't advise anyone to stay or leave- because that is an individual path. I say don't lose hope because it may come to a point where your son is not willing to tolerate the situation and he may push for change, or he may choose to stay as my father did.

What can you do? Many posters have learned that one has to go on with their own life, leave the door open for communication but don't push, especially if he has told you not to contact him. I think it is encouraging that your son notices pictures on social media and still texts you occasionally. Don't close that door, but don't add to the drama ( Karpman) triangle. Don't take  their actions personally- it's not about you. Your son is trying to survive and hold his family together the best he can and is probably emotionally exhausted. Only he can change his situation. I know this is tough. Personal counseling can help- even if they tell you to let this go. I know you can't completely, but counseling can help you with your feelings. It's a tough thing to deal with.

[Pico96]

Hi granola.   I can feel your sadness and frustration.   My daughter has BPD and her husband is a great enabler.   She has forbidden me to have my grandsons for a year now, after 20 yrs of irrational thinking she has gone into a full blown smear campaign against me, flying monkeys and all.   I have tried to go to therapy with her but during the second session she walked out because she "didn't feel safe", a nice excuse because she couldn't answer truthfully the therapists questions when she was pushed for explanations.   My 84 yr old mother has also suffered terribly by her utter disregard and disrespect for her feelings and her age.  We were a very close family and now the whole family has disintegrated.
After much research and discussions with 2 therapists I realize there is no cure, so therefore for me no hope.  I am trying to move forward with my life, which is difficult because my grandsons have been a constant part of it for 10 yrs.  But to remain hopeful seems foolish to me in a no win situation.   It's like trying to climb out of a bowl of Jello.   You can't.  And it'd be foolish to keep trying.
I will pray for her and the children but that's about all I can do.   I have to continue to let go.   As much as I am grieving this loss, I know that life has so many other beautiful things to take note of.   I will try to keep my focus on those things and be grateful for the many memories I hold.
I wish I could give you some kind of advice but I have none.   I can only empathize and hope for your contentment in life.   I am trying to rid myself of the hurt and anger I feel.   When someone you love so much stabs you in the back and breaks your heart, I don't believe that's an easy heal.   My heart is broken, but many of us are walking wounded.   So I guess we just must continue on our own personal journey and learn how to move on with self respect and dignity.

[Notwendy]

Pico, I can identify with your feelings as well. My BPD mother has her own flying monkeys and has also smeared me to her family. I grieved the loss of relatives who I thought loved me- uncles, aunts, cousins and then decided that if they chose to believe her - there wasn't anything I could do about it, and so moved on with my life - without much contact with them and that it is better to not hope for a relationship with them.

I also don't have hope for the kind of relationship I would have wanted with my mother. I have observed over the years that her distorted thinking and her own emotional issues make that not possible. She is not interested in therapy or changing.

I did continue to have hope for my father. This is because he did not have BPD. I also don't think he was entirely without his own issues- co-dependency- but he did not have the kind of distorted thinking my mother had.

On the relationship board, the relationships can go in different directions. Some partners choose to stay and some do not. So there may be some hope for a relative who is the partner, not the pwBPD.

Yet, I also think it is important to do what one thinks is necessary to heal and move on from the hurt of this kind of situation. If this means going NC, or not having hope- then I think the person should do what is best for them. I think in all situations- going on with our own lives is the better direction than to put your own emotional healing on hold in hopes the other person will come around.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, granola!  It is truly heartbreaking to feel that you have lost a child in such a way.  Many of us on this site have experienced the alienation caused by someone with BPD.  My son still calls us, but only when he is driving home from work.  Once he is home, he is not allowed to talk to anyone.  I sometimes wonder whether our daughter-in-law confiscates his phone at the door.  They have a child together, whom my husband and I have accepted we will never be close to.  Which is a shame, since we are loving grandparents to our other grandkids.  We love playing games with them, going to their school events, and teaching them to cook.  The child of our son and daughter-in-law will never have these experiences, although they will always have our love and support even if they are not aware of it.  When this child was a toddler, they would scream whenever they saw us.  What was our daughter-in-law telling them about us to cause such a reaction?  Now, on the rare occasions that they visit, this grandchild goes into the basement and hides until it is time for them to leave.  No hellos, no hugs and kisses like our other grandkids give us.  So sad!

[zachira]

This is so heartbreaking to not to be able to see your son and grandchildren. Though it may not seem like it, there is hope that things can change. My cousin married a woman who hated her own mother, and alienated my cousin from the entire family for years. Then after many years, my cousin divorced his wife, reunited with the family, and later married a really nice woman. It is so painful because the BPD wife is so powerful in manipulating the husband into disowning his family. If you read many stories on this site, you will find hopeful stories where time has changed things for the better. Meanwhile, keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you.

[grambo]

My dil also has uBPD. She’s been married to my son who is my only child a little over 1 year. About a month ago, they had their 3rd daughter. I have seen her for 2 hours since her birth. I am grateful for the sharing on this site and for my therapist whom I see every other week. I feel for her suffering that she unleashes on my son and I shudder to think how she’s effecting my little granddaughters. She taught them the word hate, says I need a break from these kids in front of them and the eldest one (5 1/2) told my sister in a phone conversation she’s going to call 911 and the police would come for her. When my sister said honey where did you hear that?, the phone was pulled from my granddaughter. I pray for them and know I can do nothing. My son is indeed in a cult, he drank the Koolaid, and if and when he’s sick of enabling my dil, something might happen. All I can do is occasionally tell them in the same text that I love them and my granddaughters. Oh, and limit exposure to the crazy. I hope this helps.

[granola]

Dear grambo, zachira, OnPinsandNeedles, Notwendy, and Pico96, thank you all for responding to my post. I am having trouble navigating this site, or I would have responded to each of you individually. As I read each of your posts, I am consoled that 1)I am not alone, and 2) there is a glimmer of hope. Pico96, I also appreciate your honesty, and I do know that my task now is to learn to let go completely while keeping the door open to my son. NotWendy, I agree that my poor son is in a cult, though I also know he is more and more aware of that. His only sister, the baby of the family got married a week ago. My son came with his wife and children, but they spoke to no one. They sat in the back and left right after Mass. I did get the chance I've been waiting for for two years, which was to go up to my DIL, put my arms around her, hug her, and tell her how much I have missed her. I thanked her for coming, but she didn't answer. I spoke to my two beautiful grandchildren, who didn't speak back, because they don't know me. I told my son that his three brothers were going to walk me down the aisle, and asked if he would join them. He said, "I think we'll just all stick together." All our relatives and friends who were seated near them said my son sobbed when is brothers and I passed, and again when his father walked his sister down the aisle, and that he cried throughout the ceremony. My daughter is his children's godmother (they are twins), and had told him her only wish was that they walk in her wedding. That didn't happen, of course. Then she asked for them to be in the family picture. My son came and stood for two pictures, but said his wife would not come and would not allow her children to be in the picture. So there were more tears from my daughter and her brother. He knows the hurt this is inflicting on the whole family, but he is under his wife's power. So, notwendy, when you say he is trying to keep his family together, and that he is emotionally exhausted, I see that. My heart breaks for him. He's such a kind person--the gentlest of all my children, and that's one of the reasons he's a good doctor. Physician, heal thyself.
As for counseling, this board has helped me more than the therapists I've seen already. Thank you all for your comments.