Tearing family apart

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My nephew’s wife has targeted her mother-in-law (my twin sister), refusing to let her be with or have any connection to, her only grandchild. This has been so since the baby was born, 1 year ago. Daughter-in-law sets up all sorts of hurdles when my sister has tried to speak with her about it. This estrangement has now expanded to include anyone on “our” side of the family because, nephew’s wife says “I am trying to avoid more drama with X”(my sister). There has never been an issue that would warrant any of this. My nephew seems to have “drunk the Kool-Aid”, will send pictures of the baby but that’s it. The situation is breaking our hearts and nobody knows what to do.

[Cuz]

My nephew’s wife has targeted her mother-in-law (my twin sister), refusing to let her be with or have any connection to, her only grandchild. This has been so since the baby was born, 1 year ago. Daughter-in-law sets up all sorts of hurdles when my sister has tried to speak with her about it. This estrangement has now expanded to include anyone on “our” side of the family because, nephew’s wife says “I am trying to avoid more drama with X”(my sister). There has never been an issue that would warrant any of this. My nephew seems to have “drunk the Kool-Aid”, will send pictures of the baby but that’s it. The situation is breaking our hearts and nobody knows what to do.

[Venetian]

I just heard about Alienated Grandparents Anonymous.com.   I don't know if it will help, but it wouldn't hurt to check it out.

[zachira]

I am so sorry your family is going through such a terrible time. There is hope for the future though. My cousin married a woman who alienated him from the entire family. They got divorced after several years, and he reunited with the family. All of this can take time, and in the meantime there is so much heartbreak and pain. I am glad to hear you are supporting your twin sister, and are there to listen. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

[Harri]

Hi Cuz.  Welcome to the site.  I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  Unfortunately your story is not uncommon here. 

Has your nephew's wife been diagnosed with BPD?  What other behaviors does she exhibit (though isolating your nephew and gran-nephew(?) is bad enough)?  What happened to have her say “I am trying to avoid more drama with X”?  Was there an incident?

Having a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) or even BPD-traits is difficult.  Often the emotional dysregulation they experience as a part of the disorder makes them process information differently.  Things we would normally say are often interpreted by the pwBPD as invalidating.  This can really 'set off' very defensive and self-protective behavior.  Often, talking with someone with BPD involves going against your natural inclinations.  We do have communication tools that can help you/your sister learn how to converse better.  They will not guarantee no conflict but can often reduce conflict or de-escalate someone. 

Let me know if you are interested in learning about the tools.  We also have other articles that can help explain some of her behavior and also understand what it is like for your nephew.  I can link you to that or you can check out the library section of the site.  We also have several members dealing with an in-law with BPD so read the posts on the board if you haven't already.

We really do get it here and have helped several people learn to cope with the difficulties of their situations.  You are in the right place to get help.  You may want to suggest your sister join as well.

Take care

[Learning2Thrive]

  Cuz, how are you doing? Have things settled down a little bit yet? We’re here to listen and help you with proven resources when you’re ready. 

L2T