He got drunk yesterday

[Frankee]

We got into an arguement and he said I never let him have fun and I did have a problem with him going to the bar when I was out of town.  I said no, only had a concern about the drugs.  He said he has given up all of this stuff for me and I keep taking.  I told him I want to go out and have fun and I want him to have fun, I don't like being cooped up in the house all the time watching the kids constantly.

Yesterday he said he wants to go to to beach with his brother.  I said, sure, no problem.  I hope you have fun.  He comes back a few hours, clearly been drinking.  Carrying on about how beautiful I am, what a good woman I am, etc.  He stays for a bit, then says he is going back out.  I say, okay, have fun.  Later that night, he drops his brother off cause he has to work and he goes out by himself.  This whole time I'm not upset.  He cames home late, comes to bed while saying how much he loves me. Also asks if it's okay if we store some stuff of our ex friends gf.  I say, that's okay.

This morning.  I go to get in our suburban and find this chick's crap, crammed packed in there.  I have to unload her stuff from the middle seat, just to put my toddler in his car seat, which by the way, I couldn't find, so luckily I still had his old seat.  And all this stuff made the truck smell like sweaty gym socks that had been sitting in the sun for a few hours.  I come back and he's getting out of the shower.  He looks like death warmed over, he had just finished throwing up everywhere.  He gets back into bed and says he's sorry, he doesn't want to be the guy he use to be, how he hates drinking.  (It's been a few months since we drank), how he just wants to be here with me and the boys, and how it's no fun anymore.

Does this seem like punishment enough?  I didn't prevent him from having what he thought was fun, I let him go out and do his thing, since last time he blamed me from preventing him from having fun.  Now he's laying in bed, sick with a headache and stomachache, feeling like boogah.  I feel kind of like he needed to do this to realize that what he use to think was fun, really isn't that much fun anymore.

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[flourdust]

Hi, Frankee. I'm not sure I understand your question. Is it your job to punish him?

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Frankee,
It sounds like he is having consequences. So are you asking if you should say anything to him about his drinking yesterday?

I can see how you'd be annoyed with using the car as a storage facility for somebody, making it nearly unusable for you and your kids.

Separate issues. So if you're going to talk with him about either, I'd suggest you wait until he's over his hangover. From my experience no good comes from confronting someone who is not feeling good.

Cat

[Frankee]

I am wondering if I should act as if none of this bothers me because he seems to be punishing and beating himself up over it.  Most of it doesn't.  I keep thinking that by not saying anything and just being indifferent, he can't spin any of thiis around on me.  I don't want him trying to blame him feeling sick, me allowing him to go out and drink or blaming me for changing my mind after I already said it was okay she keeps her stuff here.  Just bothered he already went ahead and got her stuff before asking.

[Cat Familiar]

So if most of it doesn't bother you, which parts do? Do you have room to store her stuff without it getting in your way?

[Frankee]

He messaged some woman.  At some point in thr night, he messaged her if she wanted to hang out and drink.  Then she messaged at like 3am to see if he got home okay.  I saw the message when I plugged his phone into the charger.  When I saw the notification, I snooped through the messages.  He's never mentioned her name before and hasn't said anything about hanging out with her.  I already been down this road where I snooped and he turned the ___ around me saying I didn't trust him.  So it bothers me, but I'm not going to ask who she is.  I keep trying to tell myself that he did nothing wrong, he would of told me, I'm not going to makr a mountain out of a mole hill.

He keeps saying he didn't really have any fun that day, he doesn't like drinking anymore, he doesn't want to do it anymore either.  Keeps asking me if I'm okay, tells me that he wants to just be here with me and the boys.  I can't tell if he's feeling guilty because he did something, he feels bad for ditching me to go drink with some woman, or if it's because of the chick and her stuff, or he just feels bad for being gone all day and coming home drunk and not taking us to the beach the next day.  We were supposed to go to the beach the next day, but he spent most of the day hung over and sleeping.

I am just finding myself not allowing to be labeled the "fun sucker" or being the one that is making him feel bad when he is doing it on his own.

[Enabler]

I know it's a bit of a cliche here but my sense this comes down to boundaries again. The use of the label of 'fun spoiler' is his way of popping a bit of FOG on you. It's a super childish way to put someone in a little box of being a social outcast, not cool and a saddo. BUT, all the while he's wiping dogs muck on your metaphorical front lawn... .

You were cool with it all, but you were cool with the soft version he sold you, then, he took a little bit more than you bought into, took the pee just a little bit on all of the above. How would you have felt if he had said... ."Hey babes, do you mind if I go to the beach today with my bro, then go to a bar to get smashed up (it's okay, I'll come back and pat you on the @ss in the interim) crack on to some chick whilst I'm there and then come back obliterated, chunder and then it's not likely I'll be doing anything tomorrow due to the hangover... .oh and your car will be left full of some random womans gear"... .what he's done is mis-sold you something, it's manipulation. Then he's making you feel guilty for it.

I have lost count of the number of times my W has said "just staying for 1 more and I'll see you at home"... .5 hours later she staggers in, and guess what, it's my fault for being a fun spoiler.

We all have a bit of a whoopsie every now and again but when it becomes consistent that you are sold X when reality is Y, they go out with your endorsement and consistently over-step the mark it's a problem.

Word of advice, which I think you're already aware of. Never share any evidence from your snooping until you are prepared to act, it's counterproductive as people just learn to cover their tracks better. It's far wiser to keep information avenues open and gather data... .as much as every sinew in your body wants to tell them what you know.     

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Frankee,
I see you're on Conflicted today, while you were on Bettering last week.

Do you feel like you want to improve this relationship or are you reevaluating whether you want to be in it?

Cat

[Ltahoe]

I agree a lot with what Enabler had to say. He sold you a little bit but took as much as possible. Also time will tell about that other girl It’s someones possessions so at some point someone should come around to claim them perhaps more will become clear then.  As someone that can be critical though I’m skeptical of his behavior (although BPD behavior is strange for no reason sometimes) really all overly nice and affectionate to you, and at the same time trying to create distance. Yet a BPD also quick to admit they’re wrong, and apologize? I wish. If that’s not ordinary behavior for him Something seems amiss about all of this. I’d have a lot of questions too especially since he was never initially honest about his outing in the first place.

[Frankee]

I wasn't sure what board to post on.  I am looking to better the relationship.  He's done this before.  It has been awhile, but when our youngest was very little, we would have friends over almost every weekend and hang out.  When he drinks, he's a variant between a complete ass who doesn't give a crap about hurting others feelings or overly affectionate with me.

He placed FOG on me big time with this whole going out and having fun.  I feel almost set up honestly.  He bugs out because I was disappointed I wanted to spend time with him on his day off and he wanted to go off with his brother to kayak.  He made such a huge deal about it, telling me I don't let him do anything he wants.  Then fast forward, I let go and let him do what he wants and then all that happened.  It started off with him going to the beach with his brother and then he just went off and did whatever he wanted too.

I am in this predicament where I feel bothered by him hanging out with some woman he hasn't mentioned, but not enough to start a potential fight.  Which makes me feel even more upset because I should be able to talk to him about it, but then would have to confess to snooping.  When snooping before and calling him out, wasn't even worth it. 

It upsets me further that he is usually open about this kind of stuff, but I feel he's intentionally hiding it because he either did something wrong or he doesn't want to make me mad or jealous or whatever.