New member: BPD Mom sends long, angry text messages

[Songbird88]

Hi community —

So grateful to have found this place! I just found out my mom was diagnosed with BPD in her 20s (I'm almost 30) and it has helped to explain SO much about her behavior throughout my life. I am an only child, and she is a single parent. We are very close, but lately some of her BPD tendencies have been coming out stronger and stronger (especially splitting, projection, and blame shifting to everyone else). If I don't call her back or do what she wants me to do, she sends me a string of extremely long texts saying things like "I know you don't care about me," "Have a nice life," "I might as well jump off this 15th floor building," "you're so self-centered," "I know you'd be happier if I'm gone." etc. etc. I know that when she feels neglected she gets scared, and so she lashes out at me. And every single time she'll come around a day or two later and say "you know I didn't mean those things, but I felt hurt." But every time I'm left feeling emotionally drained and devastated.

I feel like there's no point trying to explain my feelings and her affect on me because she obviously can't control this behavior (and the one time I did try to be honest about how her words affect me, it blew up in my face, she said "fine I won't contact you anymore, have a nice life."  But I also don't think I can keep ignoring it until she decides to calm down and come around. Does anyone have any suggestions for setting boundaries or consequences? I feel like maybe there's a way to let her know that this tactic isn't working with me, but I don't know how. My therapist suggesting telling her that I'm going to block her until she stops texting me things like that, but I feel like that could enrage her more.

Any help is much appreciated... .and so look forward to being a part of discussions here!

[Learning2Thrive]

 Hello and welcome

You’ve come to the right place for support and guidance/proven resources.

Does anyone have any suggestions for setting boundaries or consequences? I feel like maybe there's a way to let her know that this tactic isn't working with me, but I don't know how. My therapist suggesting telling her that I'm going to block her until she stops texting me things like that, but I feel like that could enrage her more.

What if you texted back something like: “I love you very much and I understand you’re probably feeling very hurt right now. Let’s talk when you’ve had a chance to calm down.” Then nothing more until she calms down.

Here is an excellent resource for setting and maintaining https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

What do you think?

Be sure to take good care of yourself.  

L2T

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome to the board.

You are definitely in the right place if you are looking for people who are familiar with your situation.  All of us have a family member with BPD (diagnosed or undiagnosed) and can, unfortunately (!), relate.  We look out for and support each other.  So many of have struggled with setting boundaries with our parent so again, you are not alone.

The good news it that things can and do get better.  The problem is that often when we start to set boundaries or change the family role we have had all our lives the pwBPD (person with BPD) will push back or escalate their behaviors in an effort (unconscious) to get things back to the way they were.  As difficult as it is, it is normal and to be expected. 

Reading your post, I got the sense that you are hoping for a way to place boundaries without upsetting your mother and unfortunately there is no way to avoid that.  There are ways that work better than others (being calm rather than angry and yelling) but there is no way I know of to makes the changes without upsetting her. 

We have tools you can use to make communicating with her better for you and possibly help with her acceptance but there is no guarantee.  What the tools are mostly good for is making things easier for you in terms of helping you regulate your emotions.  We have several and I am going to share 3 of them below starting with what I think is the easiest and working from there.  Some of the articles are written from the perspective of a romantic relationship, but they work for family members as well.

Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain 

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth)

Many of us fail to realize that with pwBPD we often invalidate without intending to.  Their brains process information differently than our especially when they are emotionally dysregulated.  Just keep that in mind when reading the above articles.  It is not about you being wrong in how you try to express yourself with your mom.  It is about being able to speak with  her in a way that she is able to process the information hopefully without feeling invalidated. 

Even with the above tools, avoiding her rage is not always going to be possible but the tools can help.  For example, SET will not work if she is already dysregulated.

I don't want to give too many links all at once and actually gave more than I like to!  Just take things slowly, read and post as you can.  We are here to listen and support you.  If you have any questions, please ask.

Hope to see you around.

[Turkish]

And every single time she'll come around a day or two later and say "you know I didn't mean those things, but I felt hurt."

There is a validation target here while she's being honest and vulnerable 

The SET link which Harri posted is the most basic tool and easiest to grasp. 

PwBPD (people with BPD) feel shame as a core emotion: "I'm a bad person unworthy of love." Expanded: "my feelings don't matter and are inherently worthless; therefore,  I don't matter and am inherently worthless." Of course that isn't true,  but to a person with such a distorted world view it feels true. 

But every time I'm left feeling emotionally drained and devastated.

I hear you.  It is draining and can feel devastating.  She's limited by the disorder, but that doesn't make your pain any less.  I'm glad that you found us as this community understands what you are struggling with bstrong88. 

Given the tools developed by leading experts in the disorder,  however,  they are worth a try, as they can help both of you.  What do you think?

[Learning2Thrive]

Hello again,

Just popping back in for a moment before I head off to work to let you know you’re being thought of this morning.

Harri and Turkish have given you some excellent information and advice. I hope today you’ll send us an update when you have a moment, if you feel like it.

Sending positive energy and smiles your way!  

L2T

[Songbird88]

Wow, thank you SO much everyone for your thoughtful, thorough guidance! I'm incredibly grateful to have found this message board.

Learning2Thrive, that was great advice for a response that doesn't defend myself or explain, but acknowledges her feelings while still setting a boundary.

Harri, I so appreciate the resources you posted. I do feel like there are times when I'm so confused as to why my mom would be angry over something (i.e., I talked to her for 2 hours on Friday but didn't get a chance to call her back on Saturday) that I forget to validate her feelings. I'm going to be re-reading those pages, there's a TON of helpful info in there that helps me to understand how my mom's mind works.

And thanks for pointing that out, Turkish:

There is a validation target here while she's being honest and vulnerable 

I think the thing I'm struggling with the most is that her texts seem to escalate SO quickly. I've learned to not let her put-downs devastate me so much, but yesterday she was saying things about not having any reason to live anymore, which hurts the most as her only daughter. The hardest to read: "I should have hung myself years ago." The combination of fear and hurt that kind of statement brings on is a lot to bear. I can't tell if these are serious threats or just her looking for some reassurance that I need her here and love her. All I could think to do was call the assisted living facility she lives in to check on her in her room (she was in there and fine).

[Learning2Thrive]

I think the thing I'm struggling with the most is that her texts seem to escalate SO quickly. I've learned to not let her put-downs devastate me so much, but yesterday she was saying things about not having any reason to live anymore, which hurts the most as her only daughter. The hardest to read: "I should have hung myself years ago." The combination of fear and hurt that kind of statement brings on is a lot to bear. I can't tell if these are serious threats or just her looking for some reassurance that I need her here and love her. All I could think to do was call the assisted living facility she lives in to check on her in her room (she was in there and fine).

Yes, the rapid escalation is very upsetting and I can understand the overwhelming feelings that must result when she makes these statements. It’s terrifying and painful at the same time.  Please remember when she says these things it’s not about you. You didn’t cause the disorder and you can’t cure it.

I think you did just the right thing checking in with her assisted living facility to make sure she was ok.   Well done.

What are you doing to take good care of you today?

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T

[Turkish]

Is it worth alerting the ALF that she might be SI? It doesn't sound acute, however, just waifish.

[Songbird88]

Thanks again all for your insight and support! Learning2Thrive, what you said here is really an important reminder:

Please remember when she says these things it’s not about you. You didn’t cause the disorder and you can’t cure it.

Even though I know she has this disorder, I still often take the things she says so personally. But reading more and more and understanding how her mind works is helping me to realize that just because I'm a target for the anger doesn't mean I'm necessarily the direct source of it. I keep trying to find new ways to remind myself that she loves me no matter what she says, like looking back on old texts when she was having a "good day," etc.

Turkish— I am definitely on the fence about how seriously I should take these threats. She's made them before and I frantically called a suicide hotline because I was in a different state and terrified she'd act on it, but then when she came down from her rage she promised me she would never do that to me. So it's hard to tell.

I talked to my mom today and she acted like nothing happened... .didn't acknowledge anything she texted me over the last couple days, only complained about all of the various people in her life that she deems to be wronging her or making her life difficult. Whenever this happens, I don't bother bringing up how her actions affected me because I'm just SO relieved she's calmed down. But I fear that if I just glaze over it without letting her know that it's not OK to repeatedly send me furious/threatening messages like that, it'll just keep happening without her ever knowing how much it devastates me. In other words, I perpetually feel like I am STILL walking on eggshells, trying not to provoke or trigger her if she's already feeling shame or guilt over how she acted. Not sure if that makes sense, just trying to figure out if/when it's worth letting her know how these emotionally abusive messages impact me.

As for taking care of myself today, I made sure to say a prayer and do a quick meditation... .plus I finally finished the book that led me to this message board "Walking on Egg Shells"!

[Turkish]

Her suicide threats may be testing you for validation, but it's good to err on the side of safety. That being said,  it's nerve-wracking to hear those feelings from her.  Maybe this can help give perspective:

3.06 | Suicide ideation in others

The boards and members here have experienced loved ones who have carried through on these threats. Parents, spouses, and children with BPD.  It doesn't sound like your mom is an intestate threat to herself at this point. 

I didn't see my mom for a few months a few years ago.  I traveled to go see her and she was so glad to see me.  She said "I thought that I didn't have anyone.  I felt like just wanting to die." I believed her.  Later that year I brought her to come live with me and my kids. 

Trying to empathize, despite my own pain  (like my mom's later accusation against me of criminal elder abuse), I keep reminding myself of the core pain of a pwBPD: shame. "My feelings don't matter; therefore,  I don't matter. Unlovable."

This is hard to deal with.   

[Learning2Thrive]

   

Whenever this happens, I don't bother bringing up how her actions affected me because I'm just SO relieved she's calmed down. But I fear that if I just glaze over it without letting her know that it's not OK to repeatedly send me furious/threatening messages like that, it'll just keep happening without her ever knowing how much it devastates me. In other words, I perpetually feel like I am STILL walking on eggshells, trying not to provoke or trigger her if she's already feeling shame or guilt over how she acted. Not sure if that makes sense, just trying to figure out if/when it's worth letting her know how these emotionally abusive messages impact me.

This absolutely makes sense. It sounds like you need a boundary around this issue. You can choose to tell it to her upfront or simply start enforcing it. It helps me when I decide on a new boundary to write it out. That way, I can refer back to it for a calmer, pre-determined course of action instead of getting caught up in the emotional escalation and drama that will likely ensue (extinction burst). Remember, our boundaries are about protecting us, not about punishing them. As much as possible we need to remain calm and clear so we don’t get pulled back in to old patterns.

Have you had a chance to review our Boundaries page?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I hope you will be especially kind and gentle with yourself today.

Keep us posted on how it’s going and ask questions. We’re here for you.

L2T

[Harri]

I talked to my mom today and she acted like nothing happened... .

  I think the forgetting part after a dysregulation is related to the impulsivity associated with BPD.  They dysregulate, in the moment they act out and then they release all of their emotions and return to baseline.  It is a non-event to them. 

just trying to figure out if/when it's worth letting her know how these emotionally abusive messages impact me.

  I am not sure how successful you will be in terms of getting your mother to hear and understand your emotions and then remembering it.  I do think it is worth speaking up about her behaviors and saying no.  Setting boundaries is important.  So is you taking your power back (cue inspiring music!) and giving yourself a voice... .not to get through to her but to hear and feel yourself saying No. 

I understand being relieved when your mother just stops but you are right that letting things stay the way they are is just not working for you.  As L2T said, boundaries can be left unspoken or you can tell her that you will not respond to more than one text a day or something like that. 

We call all pull our heads together and try to figure out your boundary enforcement if you'd like.

Did you read through the article that Turkish linked here?