Seeking Closure from EX

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He left me so many times, maybe he didn't think he had to tell me he was leaving (certainly not why), or say goodbye, or extend any kindness whatsoever.

But I am struggling with this.

I am tempted to contact him for closure. Can't we just be decent people? Because I am so stuck on HOW he left. Am I fooling myself? Will I then just be stuck on something else? Is it REALLY the way he broke up that is upsetting me? Or just that he did?

The reasons he might not be contacting me and reasons he avoided a respectful breakup:
1) Shame. He promised he wouldn't do this again. We talked and cried about the pain of all his previous breakups on every recycle. He came back so many times just to break my heart again.
2) My immediate response. I didn't do anything this time. He yelled in my face and I went quiet for a week. Then I asked him if he broke up with me and he sent me one short text saying, "Yes, we are broken up." Not I broke up with you. Taking no ownership for doing it.
3) My response to that. I did not respond. I was quiet. I didn't ask questions or write him. I deleted What's App and blocked him everywhere.
4) My response to his subsequent communication. He sent me four songs. I did not respond. He waited a week and asked me if he had left a bike in my garage (he knew he didn't, but was testing the waters). I did not respond, but later wrote simply, "Your bike is not in my garage." I have been otherwise 100% silent. Maybe he thinks that is what I want.
5) It's over and he is afraid to open up anything. Its easier to be done. It is over if we don't talk. It has been 2.5 months and he is trying to get over me.
6) Avoiding conflict, painful feelings, confrontation, temptation. If he sees me it will make it hard on him. He is avoiding all of that because he truly wants/ needs to end it.
7) Silence. So many times in break up he has suggested that silence might be best. I have always told him silence is not best for me. But he never hears what's best for me. He does what is best for him. He can't see past himself and can barely retain anything about me that is different from how he feels. His feelings are all he can ever see.

So never mind BPD. Just in general, should I contact him for closure? Or am I just doing that to get my further fix of him? Am I just trying to extend our relationship by keeping the dialogue open? Is it silly for me to want or expect anything from him at this time?

Will I lose some sense of power, or pride or respect for myself. After all, I have "rejected the rejector." He broke up again, so I cut him off. Maybe that is all he should get. No further access. Maybe contacting him shows weakness. Maybe it sends the wrong message about who I am and how I will be treated.

I am curious how you all feel. Please don't tell me to write him a closure long letter and burn it. You all know that's what we do here every day. I write about and to him constantlly. I am asking about really contacting him. Will this ease my pain in some way?

 

[Zemmma]

He left me so many times, maybe he didn't think he had to tell me he was leaving (certainly not why), or say goodbye, or extend any kindness whatsoever.

But I am struggling with this.

I am tempted to contact him for closure. Can't we just be decent people? Because I am so stuck on HOW he left. Am I fooling myself? Will I then just be stuck on something else? Is it REALLY the way he broke up that is upsetting me? Or just that he did?

The reasons he might not be contacting me and reasons he avoided a respectful breakup:
1) Shame. He promised he wouldn't do this again. We talked and cried about the pain of all his previous breakups on every recycle. He came back so many times just to break my heart again.
2) My immediate response. I didn't do anything this time. He yelled in my face and I went quiet for a week. Then I asked him if he broke up with me and he sent me one short text saying, "Yes, we are broken up." Not I broke up with you. Taking no ownership for doing it.
3) My response to that. I did not respond. I was quiet. I didn't ask questions or write him. I deleted What's App and blocked him everywhere.
4) My response to his subsequent communication. He sent me four songs. I did not respond. He waited a week and asked me if he had left a bike in my garage (he knew he didn't, but was testing the waters). I did not respond, but later wrote simply, "Your bike is not in my garage." I have been otherwise 100% silent. Maybe he thinks that is what I want.
5) It's over and he is afraid to open up anything. Its easier to be done. It is over if we don't talk. It has been 2.5 months and he is trying to get over me.
6) Avoiding conflict, painful feelings, confrontation, temptation. If he sees me it will make it hard on him. He is avoiding all of that because he truly wants/ needs to end it.
7) Silence. So many times in break up he has suggested that silence might be best. I have always told him silence is not best for me. But he never hears what's best for me. He does what is best for him. He can't see past himself and can barely retain anything about me that is different from how he feels. His feelings are all he can ever see.

So never mind BPD. Just in general, should I contact him for closure? Or am I just doing that to get my further fix of him? Am I just trying to extend our relationship by keeping the dialogue open? Is it silly for me to want or expect anything from him at this time?

Will I lose some sense of power, or pride or respect for myself. After all, I have "rejected the rejector." He broke up again, so I cut him off. Maybe that is all he should get. No further access. Maybe contacting him shows weakness. Maybe it sends the wrong message about who I am and how I will be treated.

I am curious how you all feel. Please don't tell me to write him a closure long letter and burn it. You all know that's what we do here every day. I write about and to him constantlly. I am asking about really contacting him. Will this ease my pain in some way?

 

[Zemmma]

But maybe it's too soon.

Maybe I wait until six months has passed. Or a year. I don't know. I guess I wanted to do it now because I feel so stuck on this in my healing.

So if a closure conversation can happen, WHEN should it? I guess there is no rush if its really closure I am after.

Also I want to see if he reaches out at all going forward. If I contact him I will never know. And me contacting him feels a lot like our past cycles. He retreats, I chase. I don't like the idea of perpetuating that.

Those are my reasons for and against. Interested to hear what you think.

[CluelessNomore]

Our brains are sometimes very conniving... .if you want my opinion, your brain might be tricking you into thinking that you need to contact him to get closure. But in reality, your subconscious might just be craving more connection with him.

Closure is something you do by yourself. You do not need the other person to get closure. You move on. Do different things and forget that the other person even exists. I wish I could do that with my ex, but we have 4 kids together  

To me, it sounds like you're mostly doing all the right things to move on. Just stick to the plan and do what you're doing. 2.5 months isn't a long time... .so be patient with yourself and keep moving forward. You got this.

[steppedinone]

Agree. There is NO closure coming from anyone on the outside. You must find a way to give it to yourself. From experience, easier said than done. But I finally got there.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep taking one step at a time. You will get there... .

[Cromwell]

im a bit ambivalent on this one. It helped me to reconnect and I spent an enjoyable last 3 months with her, but they were different than what had appeared on the surface, I wanted to spend time to slowly detach and find closure, there was still emotions attached but it was being with her whilst having the boundaries up - as they should have been to begin with. the antics started again and I went NC straight away. Maybe this was my way of re-living the honeymoon phase but doing things the 'right' way. I think it helped a great deal rather than to have went NC on a sour note and to never speak again. I think I would have healed in the long term either way.

Your mileage might vary, you could get back in contact and get met with even more hurt, who can tell; ultimately it is guesswork and a gamble when we are involved in relationships which shift so quickly in emotion.

I also agree with Clulessnomore, 2.5months in my view is early days and for me was probably the most difficult time, its quite a substantial amount of time apart but it feels that if there is a chance to go back, it needs to be made, was also a time where I started to get thoughts of "oh, it is actually over - for real". 

[WindofChange]

Hi Zemmma, I agree with what others have said, that whatever closure you can find will probably come from your own introspection. With another completely rational human being, you might be able to have a final conversation and have closure, but it is less likely, IMO, with a pwBPD. The emotional instability and immaturity factors are big obstacles to this. Even with a nonborderline, it could still be very painful, and you contacting him might make you later feel you lost some of your power by being the one to seek contact first (but maybe that's me putting my own reaction on this situation).
Maybe if you can just look at his issues as causing him to be a person incapable (at this time in his life) of a normal relationship, it can help you to let go? Just a thought, FWIW.
In the end, only you can decide what you need to do, and only you know how much more you can take if you end up going through this make up and break up cycle again. I'm sure it's very difficult for you, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this torment. I agree that as time passes, the pain and ruminating start to ease, as I'm finding myself.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Zemmma,

It's smart to ask yourself the questions and want to check what your motives are.  I think the fact you're asking these things and wondering about whether it's your inner drive to get a 'hit' is a reminder that there is no rush.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  I'd suggest that you focus on working through any emotions you have coming up and just sitting with them.  There is no need to act.  The feelings will pass when they are ready. 

In a year, five years, whenever you choose, you can always decide to contact him and try to talk.  I'd encourage you to put some more time behind you though and be in a place in yourself of having healed and strengthened your resolve to live by your values and keep yourself safe emotionally.  One day you might be able to sit down for a coffee with him and talk as adults about what happened and why.  If you still feel the need to.  You will probably find that when you are detached and healed, you won't.

Love and light x