Just another update

[deirdre]

Hi everyone!
     I am finally living in my apartment, so I am taking advantage of the peace and quiet. It has been a hectic month so far, between my new job, staying with my sister and her family and trying to stay above water with my schooling, oh and then there is still healing going on physically to deal with. So I have been staying out of my head as much as possible and it is weird to have quiet this morning, I feel like I am reoccupying my own brain. It is funny to think how everything being crazy around me makes me move out of my own mind.

     I am doing a lot of "shoulding" in my head right now, that I "should" be doing homework instead right now. Or "shouldn't" take this afternoon off work to recharge and get myself together before next week. It is hard to turn that way of thinking off, I am here making a post. It does no good to tell myself what else I should be doing unless I am actually going to just go and do them.

     Because things are so hectic, I do need to make sure I don't let myself forget to take care of me. I have already stopped doing all the stretches I need to and as a result my pain level has gone up. As well as doing more then my body appreciates at work, like wrestling animals haha. My sister and brother-in-law have been great and keep me accountable when they are around, by not letting my do more then I should even though I get a little grumpy when they do lifting for me etc... .It is so hard for me to accept help from anyone and I especially can't ask for help. Which is why I appreciate my sister and her husband just helping anyways.

     I am still having spells of intense sadness, I keep blaming my hormones and post-surgery etc. But I was having these feelings before surgery too, so I guess I should stop using it as a scape goat for all of my emotions. I have been trying to just ride through the feelings, yet not let them take over. I had to leave work early the other day because I was in pain and on the verge of tears just overwhelmed even though I didn't think I was in that much pain I think it was a lot of emotional too. Not really sure what triggered it besides the pain, I should pay attention next time to if there is another trigger to these episodes.

     I am trying to work through it all one day at a time.
     
 

[Panda39]

Whew!  I'm tired just reading all the stuff you've got on your plate!  Definitely sounds overwhelming.  Kudos to your sister and brother-in-law for tuning into what you need and supporting you. 

Now that you've gotten moved in maybe just focus on your health, everything else will be more difficult until you get your physical health in order.  Recovering from a surgery takes time particularly in the energy department.  Maybe get those stretches going again... .maybe start off slow with going back to work, maybe just work a couple hours or half a day instead of jumping all the way in at once.

Once you complete your recovery everything else will get easier, but it will take some time.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi Deirdre. 

I am so happy you are in a safe place and have such a supportive sister and BIL.  Take things easy.  I know asking for help is hard.  I hate it but I am in a position where I have had to ask for help.  So, when I can't do something, I ask for help and so far nothing bad has happened.  In spite of my fears.  In another thread, people talked about giving others the benefit of the doubt and to believe them.  Let them help.  Besides, you are at risk for getting a hernia if you lift heavy things before you heal.  Don't do that. 

I am still having spells of intense sadness,

I know it doesn't feel good but this is normal.  You have had some major realizations and changes not to mention surgery. 

Keep stretching (yes, I mean that literally too).  Thanks for updating us.

[Learning2Thrive]

  Dierdre,

Thanks for updating us. I was wondering how you are getting along.

I think the sadness is a normal part of the healing process, possibly combined with hormones and all that you have been through. For most people, moving in and of itself is a traumatic experience. You’ve done that and so much more.

Please be extra kind and gentle with yourself as you heal. Really, really focus on loving your amazing self. You are worthy. 

I hope you will continue to let us know how you’re doing. We really are kinda like family here. We care and want the best for you.

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

  From one “shoulder” to another, I found a few quotes that help me when I start “shoulding”:

Shoulds make us forget our own needs
We can get so caught up in being the person we think we should be, that we lose our own identity

Shoulds don’t care about our true gifts. We all have unique talents and gifts to share with the world. But in order to figure out what they are and then use them, we may have to stand out from the pack. We may have to go against the grain. Doing that is filled with shoulds! Or more accurately, should-nots. We’re taught that we should not cause a scene, should not upset anyone, should not stand out or draw attention. Bulls!t!

Shoulds don’t let us deal with conflict. Our fears are REALLY good at drowning us in shoulds in order to get us to avoid scary conversations. You know those conversations that would make life much better after you’ve had them? But the thought of having the conversation is scary? Our fears say, “You should not upset them, you should cause less problems, you should think of their needs first instead of yours, you should not upset the status quo.” But then the conflict doesn’t get fixed!

Shoulds keep you from taking risks. We come up with so many shoulds and should-nots to stop us from facing our fears and taking risks. But if we never take risks we won’t accomplish much with our life. We convince ourselves that there are valid reasons (shoulds) for not taking risks, but that’s actually just your ego trying to keep you in your comfort zone so you don’t fail or look silly. That’s bad though, because big and amazing things can happen outside your comfort zone.

The source for above and more here:
www.couragecrusade.com/stop-saying-should/

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Dierdre, 

So nice to hear from you and to know how things are going. 

When my S24 tells me how much he is struggling and trying to get some grad school work done but just cannot motivate himself, he goes into the 'should' mode as well. I encourage him to make a plan of what he is going to do today, not what he 'should' do. He usually comes up with a list and feels so much better before we even get off the phone. Then it is easier for him to feel a sense of accomplishment for the work he has done at the end of the day.

There will always be a list of the things we should do. It is a heavy list, one of obligation and FOG. Do what you need to do and empower yourself. And don't forget to be kind to yourself. 

 
Wools