Do I go to the concert/fair alone...I think I do

[formflier]

So... my wife and I have plans for tonight to go to a county fair (it's fair time in the midwest) and enjoy a fair and go to a concert.

I'm the one pushing this agenda because of who is signing (country... of course)   

The only variation that I had left up to her was bring kids along or not.  They could do "fair stuff" while we do concert.

About a 1.5 hour drive to this event.

She asked if we could cancel.


Her brief email to me.

Hey... .(xx) and his mom and aunt are here today only... .What if we skip the trip and invite them over for dinner?

my not so brief response

I'll consider it.  My initial reaction is I have little interest in changing plans with you.  The makeup of who goes with us is where my flexibility lies.

Clarity on my intentions.  I too desire to be closer to you, more intimate.  I too want more date nights and time together.
 
This trip is important and emotionally meaningful to me.  Perhaps it generates further talks tonight or perhaps later.  I am looking forward to sharing this with you.

As I consider what is important for our family and marriage, the connection between you and I is the most important "worldly" connection there is.  I want to share things with you that are meaningful to me and I enjoy sharing things that are meaningful to you, when you chose to share those.

Connections with other people are important, yet I need to keep that in proper perspective.

Love,

FF

I just need to be prepared for what I do in a few hours if she doesn't go or is ambiguous. 

I want to go see these singers in person.  This is the closest they will be to me for at least 6 months... .maybe longer.

Thoughts

FF

[formflier]

Weird additional information

A while back the idea of seeing these artists came up... .there was no interest because "they aren't biblical" (and... they are not a Christian band, yet the songs that are meaningful to me is related to God)

I've gone to "her" concerts and she has gone to some of mine in the past.

She knows that the songs have special meaning but has been conspicuous about not asking.  I've offered to share why they are important and she has declined to accept and listen, nor has she specifically said she will never listen.

Big picture:  She apparently has little interest in my actual feelings about the songs, artists that are "related to God".

Anyway... .I'm having a hard time imagining how I wouldn't go this evening.  Would like a judgment check on that from you guys... .

FF

[BeagleGirl]

Did I just catch FF JADEing? 

I think a briefer response of “I am really looking forward to sharing music that is meaningful to me and especially spending the extra time with you.  That is my priority, so I do not want to change our plans.  I understand that it will be a missed opportunity to see x&y, but I would regret the missed time with you far more.”

She gave you the opportunity to make the decision.  I say make the decision and say “no interest in changing plans”.  She can always choose to go against that decision by refusing to go to the concert, but you can deal with that if/when it happens.

Are you determined to “make” her listen to the music that is meaningful to you?  If so, you could make a deal with her (if she refuses to go tonight) that you will be scheduling a private concert for just the two of you. Maybe a road trip with a long enough drive that you can play the most meaningful songs for her and a picnic where you can discuss them.

I will caution though that she will probably need to be in the right mood to be open to hearing your music. And even then it may not be her cup of tea. dBPDxh loved Christian rap.  It gave me a headache and I saw different meaning in many of the songs than he did. Even under the best of circumstances I only tolerated it and I frankly resented him trying to “force” me to enjoy it. Not saying this will be the case with FF wife, but something to keep in mind.

[formflier]

It would appear she is going to go.  Leaving in couple hours.

I don't think we are taking any kids (I was ok either way)

Anyway... .I appreciate having a place to vent/ask... go to.

BG

Yeah... you caught me... although my response was intentional.  On Thursdays I have mens group where we discuss leadership, pray for each other... etc etc.

This morning we discussed clarity of intention in communication with our wives... .

No... I don't discuss BPD with them...   I want a place to discuss/be part of "normal Christian male leadership".  Then... .I make my own adjustments with your help.

Thanks

FF

[Fian]

I have a different perspective on this situation.  I offer it as something to consider; I am not saying my approach is right.

The Bible basically says ":)on't be selfish." (Philippians 2:3).  So while I would probably push back some and let her know how much I was looking forward to the concert and spending time with her, I would not tell her that it couldn't be canceled nor would I necessarily plan to go without her.  Beyond just following the Bible because the Bible says so, I think it also promotes a healthier relationship.  Instead of 2 competing sides in a marriage arguing for what they want, modeling a behavior of selfishness encourages the other spouse to behave the same way, or they give up the moral high ground.  That doesn't mean that you won't sometimes feel used, but I think it is better than the competition route.

[formflier]

I thought about that... .which is why I was specific in the email I sent about the value's/ranking on the relationships... vice what I wanted to do.

Private time together versus dinner with friends.

FF

[Fian]

You wrote:
"I'll consider it.  My initial reaction is I have little interest in changing plans with you.  The makeup of who goes with us is where my flexibility lies. "

I read that to say you have no flexibility in canceling the trip.

[Notwendy]

FF- I’m with BG- too much wording, JADE, and kitchen sinking.


It’s about the concert. You really want to go. You’ve been looking forward to it. You’d basically feel resentful if you changed plans for the company.

But instead of saying how you feel- you bring in her e mail and all that stuff.

A simple to the point reply is : Aw honey, I see that you want to spend time with these guests but these are some of my favorite singers and I don’t want to miss this.

Then- you let her decide. You are already assuming she’s going to argue that they aren’t a Christian band. But you can like any singer you want. You don’t have to justify it. If she objects on that ground - then she doesn’t have to go but you can.

Your reply doesn’t leave a decision to her. You’ve taken control of it. But you are still in control of what you do whatever she replies.

Yes the Bible says don’t be selfish but it also says don’t be a liar. Doing what she asked assuming you should is not being honest about how you feel. An honest reply is - it opens the door for negotiation and decisions together.

[Cat Familiar]

So, FF, did you go to the show? If so, how was it?

[formflier]

Trip was awesome... .she sabotaged immediately after getting home.

I'm cool.  I totally expect it.

It started a bit on the ride home.  We have an intimate time... a wonderful time.  As my P has told me... .she can't do too much of that.

I'm heading to go swim before pool shuts down... I'll update later.

FF

[AskingWhy]

Trip was awesome... .she sabotaged immediately after getting home.

I'm cool.  I totally expect it.

It started a bit on the ride home.  We have an intimate time... a wonderful time.  As my P has told me... .she can't do too much of that.

I'm heading to go swim before pool shuts down... I'll update later.

FF

FF, I am glad you enjoyed the event, and were prepared for your W acting out. 

I am glad you are keeping active in all this.  Exercise keeps the mind and body well.  Keep us posted.

[formflier]

 
It's been a good day so far... I'll update later today... .hopefully.

FF

[CryWolf]

I went to see one of my favorite DJ's one time. my ex didnt want to go. i left her house to go, had an amazing time. told her my phone would on air plane mode but id contact her after. Right when the show ended, boy was i in trouble. blaming me for ignoring her etc, when i said my phone wouldnt be on to save battery...

but i was happy i went alone. glad you went as well. music makes the soul happy.