SIL uBPD making false accusations of sexual abuse

[BerryTree]

Hello

I’ve been reading the forum for some time and have decided to commit to joining so I can ask for advice.

My SIL has always been unpredictable and difficult. Family has always walked on eggshells around her (I now appreciate the irony). Recently things have escalated beyond imagination.

In the past 4 months their have been a number of big events in family (death of v dear grandfather & birth of first grandchild), I believe that her partner also began to cool things with her.

Before the death of grandparent she began vocalising suicidal thoughts. She wrote a letter to her mother stating the reason she was so angry was that she had been sexually abused at the age of 8, 20 years ago. This letter had no detail about abuse but was filled with other defensive statements, and ended with her stating she did not wish to discuss it further and may in fact never wish to do so. Stating that she had returned from abroad to ‘deal’ with this issue. This letter was delivered 2 days after the sudden death of parent/grandfather. She would engage in no discussion of letter or contents. 7 weeks later she text messages mother to state that it was ‘name of older brother’, 2 days before birth of first grandchild. She will not discuss this further. She has made further suicidal threats.

Before she left to go abroad (for 7 months) she had good relationship with brother and showed little signs of her no great emotional stress - which she says she has suffered with for 20 years.

The time she identified in her life was very tumultuous in family (bankruptcy/ addiction/ some abandonment) but no other members of family (including accused brother) can think of any changes in behaviour on her part or anything that may have happened. Accused Brother is emotionally and mentally fragile and has over the past few years rebuilt relationships with family which are now in a good place. Family are confused and devastated - they cannot understand where this has come from and know it is not true.

SIL’s past is relationships that have ended with the other half being ‘split’ - one was abusive(?). History of childlike tantrums and petulant silence at family events. Stopping speaking to family members for misdemeanours and then returning as if nothing has happened.

Maybe she has been abused, but we do not believe it was by who she has identified? How can anything be resolved if she will not discuss it further?

We do not know how to move forward from here.  
Please help.

[Panda39]

Hi BerryTree,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

Regardless if your SIL's story is true or not she is clearly very dysregulated. 

At the heart of BPD is fear of Abandonment.  Her Grandfather's death is the ultimate form of abandonment, so this could have been very triggering for her.  Even the happy event of a new baby could trigger this fear... .her child/the baby's parent will naturally focus their attention on the baby and not as much on her.

It could be she was just feeling bad and needed to put those negative feelings/blame on to someone else.

She may not bring it up again (act like the accusations never happened) but if she does and still doesn't want to discuss it I would let her know that you are there and will listen when she's ready or you might also suggest she see a Therapist to discuss it with since she feels uncomfortable talking with family.

How does the family react to the suicidal threats?

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

  BerryTree,

I’m so sorry you and your family are experiencing this.

Panda has offered a good suggestion. If she does bring it up again, empathic listening may help. We have tools for that here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Regarding suicide threats:
https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

There are more tools you may find helpful. You can find them by clicking the TOOLS link in the green bar at the top of the page.

Please keep posting and asking questions.

L2T

[Harri]

Hi.  I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now.  It is not uncommon to hear of such stories when a person had BPD or even BPD traits.  That does not make it any easier to deal with however. 

I agree that fear of abandonment is likely playing a part in all of this.  Anxiety/ fear drives a lot of the behaviors that a person with BPD exhibits.  You have already been given some great reference reading to start with so I won't add more at this point except to point out a recent thread about a similar situation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327284.0

Please keep posting.  We have lots of resources and can certainly listen and support you during this time and even beyond.  I am so glad you decided to post.  This is a really great place to land.   

[BerryTree]

Thank you for your advice.

The situation has not moved forward at all. MIL will not force the discussion with SIL regarding her accusations and therefore we are all held in purgatory.

I truly believe that what she has said is untrue and yet I find the idea that anyone would lie about something this serious so offensive that it’s almost unbelievable too. How can anyone act like this?
The fact that MIL has done nothing, makes me believe that she doesn’t believe it’s true either but I don’t think she’ll denounce her own daughter. I’m sure she feels a lot of guilt regarding her childhood and the reasons why SIL is the way she is.

How do people move past false accusations? When terrible things are said about you to others, how do they react
Or defend themselves? I’m so apprehensive of the future of the family.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi BerryTree  

Thanks for updating us. How frustrated you must feel.

How do people move past false accusations? When terrible things are said about you to others, how do they react
Or defend themselves? I’m so apprehensive of the future of the family.

When it comes to smear campaigns, I have found it’s best for me not to engage at all. Do not JADE (justify argue defend explain). Persons with BPD often escalate when you tryto have a logical conversation.

Try to stay off the triangle — this article may be helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Remember, their behavior is not about you, it’s about them.

  stay in touch and please join in on other similar threads. We’re all here to support each other.

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

BerryTree wrote:

I truly believe that what she has said is untrue and yet I find the idea that anyone would lie about something this serious so offensive that it’s almost unbelievable too. How can anyone act like this?

The thing is, normal healthy people do not act like this. Mentally ill people don’t necessarily have the same kind of conscience that normal, healthy people have and often perceive whatever they FEEL to be their truth—their reality. Manipulation by means of sympathy is a real thing, though none of us here have any way of knowing if your SIL is telling the truth or not.

Anyone being accused should absolutely avoid being alone with the accuser.

Speaking from personal experience, I was pulled into a dangerous BPD relationship with someone who claimed to have lung cancer. She was in her early 30s. She had me driving her to appointments and doing all kinds of things for her, but would never let me go inside at the doctor’s office/chemo clinic. It seems so insane that I ever got sucked in now. But at the time, I had the same thought... .WHO lies about having lung cancer? I loved her and wanted to rescue her, show her love. She did an outstanding acting job. So I gave her benefit of the doubt. It got very dangerous before I finally figured everything out.

Take good care of you and your family. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that the only person I can actually rescue is me. So I am finally on track with focusing on my own life and healing.

  L2T

[BerryTree]

Learning2Thrive,
Thanks for replying. Rationally I know what you are saying is right, and this is what we’re trying to do at the moment. However, due to the nature of the accusation and unpredictability of my SIL it’s so hard not to be constantly on edge and frightened that others will be drawn into the web and BIL will be tarnished. That people will say ‘there’s no smoke without fire’. It’s heartbreaking and almost unbearable.

At times I feel like making a preemptive strike against her, but I know I can’t lower myself to this.

[Learning2Thrive]

At times I feel like making a preemptive strike against her, but I know I can’t lower myself to this.

BerryTree 

What you are feeling is so normal. But I am so glad you recognize you can’t actually lower yourself to her level of behavior.

Place your focus on that which is in your control. Yourself ... .and your immediate family. We really have no control over anyone but ourselves. Do not allow yourself to be pulled into the drama of a person with a serious mental illness. The more you engage, the more they generally escalate and WILL inflict pain on you. Let them find a more interesting target.

In the meantime, I encourage you to read and comment on similar threads. You are absolutely not alone.

Please keep us posted. We are here to listen and support you. We are all here to help each other.

  L2T