I served exuBPDw because she broke court order she retaliates and serves me

[Mutt]

Has anyone been menaced by their expwBPD after a relatively more peaceful period? My uBPDexw left me for her boyfriend 5 years ago and she didn't bother me so much because she was too busy splitting him black in the last couple of years and in the last month she has been very aggressive.

I think that they broke up and she's trying to get full custody of the kids so that it increases her child support. My D12 is going through a rough period and she's been alienating D12 against me, D12 is staying with the ex, she is transgender and says that she's not comfortable at my house and wants to stay with mom because I invalidated her. I said things like she was wearing pink socks and I said that girls where that, that kind of thing.

My D12 is also SI and during the summer break she's stays at home at my exe's, my uBPDexw has been menacing me and the daycare because she wants to take out S10 and have him watch D12 at her house on my time. I put him in daycare on my time, she said that 50/50 means join decisions and she doesn't want S10 in daycare because it's not good for his self esteem and that he needs to be watched by D12 my response to that was D12 is SI god forbid that something happens in front of S10, it could scar him for life and the best thing for him is routine and to be around his peers at daycare.

I served my ex and have a court date at the end of this month because she broke the court order, she refused to give me the kids at the end of June for a week, that was my time I filed in court to enforce the court order and to add a police clause in the court order because they can't do anything if I don't have that in the court order.

I got served yesterday from her because I served her. The current child custody is 50/50 she wants to do 50/50 just in the summer time and for the rest of the year she wants to have me have the kids every other weekend. This court order has been in place for 5 years. In her claim she says that I'm harming their education, mental heatlth and emotional health and she wants to make sole decision in regards to all of their needs. She also says that I don't accept my D12 being transgender and that her and the P had a safety plan in place and that if she returns to my house I don't have a safety plan. My D12 stays overnight at friends houses do they have all of their sharp objects and poisonous substances hidden? She says that I'm harming D12 because I don't by her gender specific clothes for boys the claim literally looks like it was written by a twelve year old.

She's representing herself I'm going to respond on Monday this is absolutely insane how she is trying to get full custody has anyone had a similar experience where the ex starts being aggressive after a certain amount of time? I would not have thought that this would happen in the last few years. I'm self representing and I have two court appearances at the end of the month. I'm trying to enforce the court order and add a police clause and she's wants to change custody and access.

[Turkish]

If you are such a danger to the kids then why be willing to let them go with you every other weekend and especially half the time during the summer?

Totally valid about your 12yo watching S10 being unsafe. 

I think you could work up a safety plan for your home, yes?

[Mutt]

If you are such a danger to the kids then why be willing to let them go with you every other weekend and especially half the time during the summer?

I see what she's doing that's the entire school year she doesn't want them with me during school the school year.

Totally valid about your 12yo watching S10 being unsafe.

I was talking to my mom about this last night and she thinks that she probably knows that D12 is in no shape to watch S10 she thinks that S10 is their to watch their 3 year old baby sister that she had with her bf. My S10 is autistic he can't watch a 3 year old.

I think you could work up a safety plan for your home, yes?

My D12 is SI, my exuBPDw kept asking me what my safety plan is at my house and I haven't responded to her. Think of it this way has she put away her can opener? D12 could open a can and self harm with that, she will find a way to hurt herself regardless of all the measures. I'm not saying to not put away knives and anything that could be a potential danger she thinks that her house is safer than mine. How?

My D12 is going through a transition and also has anxiety and depression. It was hard to take the news at the beginning my exuBPDw was invalidating because she said that she had accepted him right away. My D12 dropped a bomb there is no one way that is right everyone has their way to reach acceptance. She's using that to alienate me from D12.

My D12 is going through some really difficult psychological stuff right now and I'm not a professional, neither is my exuBPDw if she were to attempt take her life in my house then I would take her to the hospital and have her admitted. Aside from putting away meds, sharp objects, etc that is my safety plan.

[Turkish]

I mean write one up to bring to court.  Maybe the safety first plan here can help with a basic outline. 

Any 10 year old shouldn't be watching a 3 year old much less work an SI older sister in the home.  Of course that's your ex's little kid... .

[Nope]

Anyone who files anything against another person can expect a counter strike. Had she filed something first, are there things you might have wanted addressed as long as you were stuck going to court anyway?
My DH's uBPDex doesn't file anything partially because she's got other kids to focus on who aren't teenagers who see through her the way my SS and SD now do. But also partially because she knows to be concerned that we have a few items we'd want to bring up in a counter filing.

Does your county require a "significant change of circumstance" to alter custody? If so, then that's the first test her suit needs to meet.

I remember the long, drawn out, and exhausting it was to even get to the actual court date with enough evidence to get things changed. Do you think your ex is high functioning enough to collect and present evidence rather than simply show up, complain, and make unsubstantiated accusations?

[Mutt]

I mean write one up to bring to court.  Maybe the safety first plan here can help with a basic outline.  

Good idea  

Had she filed something first, are there things you might have wanted addressed as long as you were stuck going to court anyway?

I went to her house and she wouldn’t give me the kids unless we renegotiated a new court between us - she didn’t want to go to court.

He has chronic back pain and hasn’t worked for most of their r/s he must of been getting some kind of disability payments. He no longer lives with her I think that her cash-flow is tight. I told her you can’t break the court order her response “I can and I am”

I can’t do anything if she breaks the court order because I don’t have a police clause I have to go to court to get it enforced. If I didn’t file in court she’ll think that there are zero repercussions if she breaks it. What she wants is that I give up custody of the kids by bullying and harassing me. I had to send her a clear message you do this then these are the consequences.

Does your county require a "significant change of circumstance" to alter custody?

Yes and why did she wait for five years to file? I’m working on my responses on my day off tomorrow so that I have a draft by the the time i have to go to the resolution center and file my responses Monday.

I do no agree because there are no material change in circumstances to warrant a change in the custody and access agreement

Do you think your ex is high functioning enough to collect and present evidence rather than simply show up

She attached emails where she’s harassing me I don’t think it was wise to attach that she’s not high functioning enough she will do whatever she needs to do like get affidavits filed but she doesn’t see that she’s doing everything wrong and it fails at each part. The daycare sided with me and cut me a break and said that I only have to pay for two weeks because exuBPDw refuses to pay her portion. I have access to the employee line from work for legal advise and talked to them about how she was trying to dictate who watches the kids on my time and he said that it was ridiculous.

[JNChell]

Hey, Mutt. I have zero experience with the court system, but, from what I’ve learned here and other sources, judges like to keep the status quo. If this is true, You have nothing to worry about. Pile on top of that your ex’s irrational requests. It’s been 5 years? The judge will ask her “why the sudden change?” She’ll show herself, sadly. Perhaps this is where she digs her hole deeper. I know that that is not the outcome that is desired, but maybe it’s necessary to further put things in their proper place.

You have a D12 that is identitying as a male. This would be confusing for any parent. There is no way to turn on a dime and adjust to something like that as a parent. I would hope that a judge would recognize this as well, and see your ex wife’s unreasonable expectations and inability to see anything that isn’t her POV.

You’re right. She doesn’t want to go to court. My ex threatens it all of the time, but never follows through. I remind her that her dirt becomes public if she goes there. It sucks to go there, but they don’t fight fair. They lack any and all reason, and unfortunately aren’t above using innocent children as weapons.

Mutt, don’t sweat it. Let her dig her hole.

[Turkish]

Can someone define a material change in circumstances which might be considered by the courts? We should realize also that Mutt is in Canada. 

[ForeverDad]

Here in my state in the USA I filed for Change of Circumstances when I wanted to change from Shared Parenting to sole custody (legal guardian).  I basically had to document why Shared Parenting wasn't working.  From filing to the magistrate's decision was 17 months.  It was a lengthy process, almost as long as the divorce itself.

As Nope remarked, it was almost predictable that your ex would respond "tit for tat".  You filed to fix loopholes in the order.  She then filed to change the parenting schedule.  Did anyone actually sit down and calculate how much more she would get if she did have majority time?  I suspect it's not as much additional as she thinks.

Does she work at her full income potential?  In the calcs, try to get the court to accept the concept of imputed income.  Imputed means that even if she doesn't work or doesn't work much, she should be calculated as though she did have gainful employment.  (If she claims she has a young child not yet school age and so she doesn't want to work, that's not your child, it's on that child's other parent.)

[Turkish]

Good to know FD. Even while on retainer, I never asked what CoC might be exactly.  I should have.

[formflier]

Mutt,

It sounds like you understand that you have to have a police clause... going forward.

I think you did the right thing by filing.

If she is doing this herself, please clarify that you have legal representation (however that works up in Canada).

I'm wondering/hoping that she can dig herself enough of a hole that you (with assistance of a good lawyer) can get some positive changes made.

FF

[Mutt]

Thanks JNChellHell for the encouragement and you believe that you’re right my mom and my exgf said the same thing relax and don’t worry. I have a tendency to think of the worst case scenario.

You’re right. She doesn’t want to go to court. My ex threatens it all of the time, but never follows through. I remind her that her dirt becomes public if she goes there. It sucks to go there, but they don’t fight fair. They lack any and all reason, and unfortunately aren’t above using innocent children as weapons.

Mutt, don’t sweat it. Let her dig her hole.

You’re post reminds me of how she’ll go right up to just before then then she stops I’ve gone to court many times with her and I think that she’s scared of authoritian figures like a judge - every time.

It’s like she plays a game of chicken with me, she can’t earn fairly her tactic is simple she tries to wear you down hoping that you give up that she gets want she wants.

You filed to fix loopholes in the order.  She then filed to change the parenting schedule.  :)id anyone actually sit down and calculate how much more she would get if she did have majority time?  I suspect it's not as much additional as she thinks.

Does she work at her full income potential?  In the calcs, try to get the court to accept the concept of imputed income.  Imputed means that even if she doesn't work or doesn't work much, she should be calculated as though she did have gainful employment.  (If she claims she has a young child not yet school age and so she doesn't want to work, that's not your child, it's on that child's other parent.)

She asked me for my income tax for last year I forgot about it because of all of this drama I gave it to her I asked her for hers a couple of times and she still hasn’t responded need because back except saying that she forgot her password. Last year I had to ask her a couple off dozen times it took her three or four months after it was due. I have to go to the resolution center tomorrow and maintenance enforcement is in the same building I’m going to talk to them to see what they can do if they withhold my payments until she gives it.

I also want to file to get it recalculated I have the forms with me judging by what she claimed last year I would be paying 100 less than what I am now and I want that money back in my pocket.

I didn’t know about imputed income it sounds like it’s to prevent abusing the other person financially.

It sounds like you understand that you have to have a police clause... going forward.

It sounds like you understand that you have to have a police clause... going forward.

I should have put it in there years ago most of the court order is stuff that I got this board and I think that it was Foreverdad that suggested the police clause. It was in the the draft of the court order and she didn’t want it I worried about her at that point and how she felt - it was a mistake at that point that cost me later. She rolled right over me knowing that the police won’t do enforce it if I’m in court to enforce the court order the why not be proactive at the same time?

If she is doing this herself, please clarify that you have legal representation (however that works up in Canada).

I met someone almost two months ago she’s a survivor like us she doesn’t have the help of this board and her exH sounds like a pwNPD or very strong narcissistic traits. She ended up in jail and he took her D away from her she lost everything st one point. She’s a nurse and she told me that she had gone into her pension to get back on her feet. I didn’t know that you could do that.

My plan so far is to represent myself up until a point where if I’m really in over my head or it becomes too complicated then I’m going to go to the bank and explain my situation. I like many others can’t afford legal representation I’ve been working at the same place for 16 years and if I really have to Im going to try to unlock my pension and retain a lawyer I do t want to do it because that’s money for later but if it’s for the kids I have no qualms.

[formflier]

  I have a tendency to think of the worst case scenario.

This should actually serve you well.  Prepare and evaluate for the worst, enjoy that it didn't go as badly as it could have.

Have you actually been to court before, without an L?

FF

[Mutt]

I did the last time but I was basically holding the court off until I could figure out how to get a lawyer. I didn’t qualify for legal aid i appeaed it and got a lawyer.

So far what I have been doing is calling my EFAP line for legal advice I’ve called them about three times I actually just got of the phone with him. I read him the affidavit and he laughed when I said it sounds like a 12 year old wrote it he said that she wrote this herself didn’t she?

I told him at the beginning of the call that this is too hard to explain because it sounds too crazy so I’ll read a part of the affidavit. I said yes she wrote it herself and he said good she’s giving you want you want and getting the ball rolling he said come from the perspective of the kids, sound reasonable and objectionable attach all of the emails that support your response and respond to all of the points.

[formflier]

Mutt

I'm not a fan of going to court without a lawyer (FF's lawyeresque statement).   That being said, I'll disclose I've been in court many times (the majority of times) without a L.  (mostly real estate stuff)

I have a "pre paid legal service" where you get free phone support and document review.  Best monthly money I've ever spent.

I write up my filings... .they check them... .I'll correct something.  Then I talk it through with them... .then I go to court.

I've never gone up against another L in court, without my own L.  (that's not what you are facing... but just saying... that would be a tripwire for me).

You've always struck me as a thoughtful guy, so my guess is you will be fine with appropriate legal support.

At some point before court I would call back your line and have an affidavit ready to request a "pause" in the proceedings so you can get a lawyer.   This would be your "oh crap" button that you pull out, if it appears that the tide is going against you.

Or she shows up with an L... .or something whacky happens.

Much better to continue a proceeding, than try to overturn a decision.  Hope that makes sense.

FF

[Mutt]

They have court counselors which know as much as lawyers they’re the ones that helped me file. They’re there for you before the court session starts I can ask them questions. I asked the L today if he thinks that I should retain a lawyer and he couldn’t advise I just told him that if i feel like it warrants it then I’ll retain one.

If she has an L I won’t go up against an L no way that’s suicide. I’ll retain one. I could be wrong but I don’t think that she’ll retain one she has surprised me in the past though. For now I’ll see how July 30th goes. I guess that I’m expecting that there shouldn’t be a problem with enforcing the court order she hasn’t given me a response I can’t recall when you the other party gets the response? I’ll ask the court clerks tomorrow unless someone here knows?

I have exhibits that clearly shows her taking the law into her own hands which courts don’t like. I can’t see how a wrench can get thrown into that but you never know with a pwBPD. Her application to change the court order is  complaining to the judge to try strong arm me.

She has tons emails that she sent to me about taking S10 out of daycare so that D12 can watch him she’s complaining to the courts that I didn’t respond to all of the emails then because I dont give her what she wants, the daycare director sided with me she decides to go to court and get a judge to side with her? It’s aggressive and it shows that she’s still can’t take no for an answer no is a choice that I have that she’s not respecting and she keeps at it.

[formflier]

OK... .if you have tons of emails, obviously have the all ready to submit, read... or whatever the procedure.  I would also prepare a quick summary that would say something like 12 emails this, 3 that, in 7 of my responses I said (xyz)... that kind of thing.

Anyway, it might make you look prepared and ready to move things along.  Most courts have a procedure where you can ask the other side to agree that a big chunk of evidence shows (fill in blank) to try and move things along.

If she is there by herself... .you know she won't agree.  Then you prove it says what you say it says... .she will not look good.

Perhaps your phone L can talk you through this.

And... I would really encourage that you know specifically what to do in order to "pause" a hearing that appears to be going bad.

I really doubt that will happen... but... .

FF

[DivDad]

I am a 15 year veteran about dealing with BPD and the courts.  Don’t fret too much about being served.  Give the petition to you L and have your L respond back.  Most courts frown upon a violation of the Parenting schedule.  Focus on that with your L. That should be the first thing out of the shoot with  your counter petition.   In my state, "significant change of circumstance" (SCoC)is a pretty high mark for anyone to change the custody agreement.  If you have had custody 50/50 for five years, you are in pretty good standing with the court. SCoC usually means the other parent is on drugs, in jail, has moved out of the state, abusing the child, etc.  Since this is not the case with you, the BPD must show a significant change in the child’s environment or a significant change in YOU.   Most Divorce L know how to counter a petition with your own joint stipulations going back to the BPD.  If the BPD is representing herself, that is not good news with the court. They will ask the BPD to retain a L.
Lastly, ask your L to ensure that when you exchange financial records, that it's done simultaneously between lawyers. Don't do it yourself. Most states have a boiler plate financial affidavit to use. Be honest with your data.    Again, Don't do it unilaterally. Make sure that both of you are using the same form that lists out assets.   You might never see her financials. You need to protect yourself and your D.

[Turkish]

Have you been able to see our talk to your kids yet,  even your sons? Was your youngest unilaterally pulled out of daycare?

[livednlearned]

Mutt, I'm sorry this is getting ugly. It sounds like your ex is in a dysregulation, which cannot be good for any of the kids, especially D12.

BPD behaviors can make for an easy target. What you are describing sounds overwhelmingly complex even if you were two mentally healthy happily married people. Autism, transgender, half sibling.

I have all of this in my family, too, and it is a lot to manage, if managing is even the right word.

You and your ex are both riding out recent splits. The safety plan is a good idea, and I understand why you filed a court motion. I also agree with Panda39 that a counterstrike was to be expected given the emotional reactivity that has always been there.

Turkish's suggestion to put together a safety plan is a good idea. It might also help to find a support group for parents whose kids are transgender, or to find someone who specializes in helping people catch up to their transgender kids. Your D12 has had a head start exploring what she's experiencing. You are likely not caught up to her, and are falling further behind if there is no new input from others with more experience.

D12 is staying with the ex, she is transgender and says that she's not comfortable at my house and wants to stay with mom because I invalidated her. I said things like she was wearing pink socks and I said that girls where that, that kind of thing.

This comment would have ended my relationship with SD21.

To this day, she considers her dad to be a bigot because he said that transgender was not something he knew anything about growing up.

She was that sensitive.

It is so common in the transgender community for parents to be rejecting that the rare ones who are supportive stand out. Being supportive is not easy because the experience is often so foreign that we make innocent mistakes.

We have trans loved ones with BPD parents, so there is likely (in addition to middle school stuff) a heightened emotional reactivity.

Even if you get the court order, D12 is saying she feels unsupported by you and it will only get harder to control where she stays. It might be time to look at your relationship with her independent of the court order and treat that as a separate topic.

My SD21 went by a male name when she turned 16 and wanted SO to start calling her that. She is now identifying as non-binary and is in a relationship with a boy, and considers her gender identity to be fluid. She is back to using her female name. Plans to transition have been dropped for now. My assumption is that this topic will continue to shift and morph, altho I never say that. I validate whatever she is experiencing because to do otherwise would have zero impact and only stress our relationship.

Validating someone's gender identity is one of the most challenging things I've ever had to validate. If you don't agree with it, or don't believe it's real, or wish it could just go away, it's important to talk to other parents about that, or spend some time in trans forums to find out what they wish their parents did.

When SO's kids were old enough, they voted with their feet. His youngest (ASD) would get dropped off then walk all the way back to his mom's.

This is really hard stuff

[Mutt]

Most courts frown upon a violation of the Parenting schedule.  Focus on that with your L. That should be the first thing out of the shoot with  your counter petition.   In my state, "significant change of circumstance" (SCoC)is a pretty high mark for anyone to change the custody agreement.  If you have had custody 50/50 for five years, you are in pretty good standing with the court. SCoC usually means the other parent is on drugs, in jail, has moved out of the state, abusing the child, etc.  Since this is not the case with you, the BPD must show a significant change in the child’s environment or a significant change in YOU

Thanks for sharing that with there’s a lot of useful information here. I don’t drink I don’t do drugs I’m sober there’s been no changes in five years.

Have you been able to see our talk to your kids yet,  even your sons? Was your youngest unilaterally pulled out of daycare?

She kept them for a few days at the beginning of the month and was demanding that the court order gets changed and she was waiting for my responses. D12 hasn’t come back since the long weekend at the end of last month and beginning of this month.

The last time that D12 was here she checked the dishes that I had by the sink and found a knife I got an email back from my exuBPDw saying that the house isn’t safe - the rest of the knives and consumables were put away. It’s black and white thinking it’s zero chances she was looking for an excuse to not be at my house. It’s hard to see D12 being manipulated by my exuBPDw because she’s doing this to validate herself that she’s a good mom and a better parent than me.

Turkish's suggestion to put together a safety plan is a good idea. It might also help to find a support group for parents whose kids are transgender, or to find someone who specializes in helping people catch up to their transgender kids. Your D12 has had a head start exploring what she's experiencing. You are likely not caught up to her, and are falling further behind if there is no new input from others with more experience.

I agree with safety plan too and you’re right about finding a support group. I think that I needed to hear this so thank you livedandlearned

This comment would have ended my relationship with SD21.

To this day, she considers her dad to be a bigot because he said that transgender was not something he knew anything about growing up.

She was that sensitive.

I got called a bigot too and some other things. I didn’t grow up with this I have a hard time accepting it and I can’t wish this away - like you said she’s ahead of me she’s angry at me she’s a different person. Aside from that I think that there is anger from the split and kids from divorces will direct that anger at the strongest person because they know that they can take it.

The black and white thinking rigid thinking and anger from D12 all worry me but she’s an adolescent it’s to be expected sometimes I think that she’s knows that the subject matter makes me nervous I wonder if there’s a hint of trying to control You’re right that this is a seperate issue I need to repair the r/s w/ D12. It’s hard because gender takes up so much space now it’s all she talks about - I’ve had to ask her if we can switch the subject for awhile because it’s all about gender all of the time.

[formflier]

Perhaps just "admitting" to D12 that this is all new to you and not something you know anything about could help her have some empathy

Perhaps even a step further that I don't know anything about transgender, but I know a lot about you, so I'm hoping you can help me understand this part of your life better... .and that you will have patience with me while I learn this new stuff.

Or something like that.

FF

[livednlearned]

I didn’t grow up with this I have a hard time accepting it and I can’t wish this away

You understand validation, so you have a head start in that department. It sounds like what you need is validation yourself, for others to hear what kind of pain you're experiencing with this recent revelation about her gender. Try to get that validation from others who understand what you're going through. She can't and won't give you that. She is trying to desperately hard to get validation for herself.

Maybe you can communicate with her and ask her if she will meet with you for as long as she feels comfortable. Just listen -- tell her you miss her, ask her what pronoun she wants to be known by and ask her if it's ok you might forget sometimes as you get used to things changing. Has she thought about changing her name? Does she want you to read something?

And take a deep breath because from what I've learned, there is a lot of sorting that happens with gender in middle school. She may be gender fluid and will surprise you with all the stops and starts. SD21 used to look like a boy with short hair, strapped her chest down with bandages, wore boy's clothing, men's deodorant, male name, male pronoun. Now she has long hair, wears make up, jewelry, is dating a boy, is back to her female name. I won't be surprised if there is another shift in her life. The only person who needs to be ok with her gender is her.

Aside from that I think that there is anger from the split

Naturally.

and kids from divorces will direct that anger at the strongest person because they know that they can take it.

It may be true that she can be angry with you knowing that you can take it. But it also sounds like she (rightly) senses you are rejecting what she is desperately trying to accept.

The black and white thinking rigid thinking and anger from D12 all worry me but she’s an adolescent it’s to be expected sometimes I think that she’s knows that the subject matter makes me nervous I wonder if there’s a hint of trying to control You’re right that this is a seperate issue I need to repair the r/s w/ D12. It’s hard because gender takes up so much space now it’s all she talks about - I’ve had to ask her if we can switch the subject for awhile because it’s all about gender all of the time.

It's good that she's talking to you. And it's ok to have boundaries around the gender topic. Given the tension about gender, it might be better to gently redirect her than ask her to switch topics.

With SO, he eventually realized what worked was to listen and accept. SD21 did briefly talk about reassignment and SO did backflips in his mind. It helped him that he could talk to me -- I wasn't on the emotional roller coaster and have friends in the LGBTQ community who made some astute observations that eventually played out. He was set to find a support group when word got back SD21 was dating a boy and seemed to be going by her female name. We'll see if he needs that support group later down the line... .

[Mutt]

You're right livednlearned I need a LGQTB support group. I really appreciate that you're sharing your experience here with me, my D12 talked about gender fluid too she cut her long hair off and has a short haircut wears boy cloting and wears a binder for her chest.

You're right I think that her not feeling safe means that she is feeling like is being invalidated and rejected and I have to work on validating and accepting her. I sent her a text today asking her how her summer is going.

I got an email from the ex she managed to get to the director at the daycare and the director says that she won't accept S10 unless we sort things out I had called an L and he said that it was ridiculous of her to try to dictate where I can have the kids in care on my time. She managed to scare the director she knew that I wouldn't give her what she wants to she put the squeeze on the director.

I called the daycare and asked them that I want it in writing why they can't provide care for S10 I want them to do it officially. I talked to the supervisor there and she said that the licence board said that uBPDexw can't tell the daycare that the kids can't be there on my time. I'm really frustrated but this is something that I can take to court on Monday she wants me to drop S10 off at her house so that he can watch D12. So far S10 doesn't have care on my time.

I'm going to call another daycare and see if they have spots open, the kids have been going to this daycare for years and have r/s's with the teachers and the kids there.  If she wants to leave S7 at the current one on her time I'm just going to tell the daycare that I'm not paying my portion because I'll put them in a different daycare on my time.

She's escalated all the way to court to try to get custody and access changed and she threatened the director with the media if S10 remains there on my time. She's determined and she's not going to stop with this - the last time that she was this determined was five years ago when she left. She managed to leave with no job and no money.

[Turkish]

Again,

10 year old watching a supposedly SI 12 year old? How is that safe for either of them?  It isn't.  A 10yo isn't a safety plan.

[formflier]

I hope you can get the written statement from daycare.

I would also hope that you can amend your decree (if that is the right word) to state

"mother shall not interfere with daycare choices during Father's time"

I also wonder if she has pushed to far and you can ask to be the "primary decision maker" for daycare, because of what she thinks is safe.

Can you force her to testify that S10 will be watching the 12 year and the 3 year old (hope I got ages right).

Perhaps add to the decree that 10 year old IS NOT to be left in charge of either of them (3 or 12) without another adult present.

FF

[Mutt]

She's not in the city I think that she went to her parents 6 hours away. So by her logic she should clear it with me if she is leaving town with the kids on her time? I'm trying to serve her with my response to her claim and her car isn't in the parking lot for the last couple of evenings and the lights are on when we would leave town we would leave the lights on to make it look like there is someone home.

I talked to the director and initially she wanted to stay out of it but it's complicated if I ask her for a written document for why he can't attend that daycare if I'm not happy with their answer then I can take that up with the licensee board. I know that they don't want that so I asked her to make it official and I want it documented.

I came to a compromise with them she said that she doesn't want to deal with uBPDexw and told her that on Monday June 30th S10 won't be attending daycare but Tuesday she's letting him attend. My uBPDexw threatened the daycare with the media and the director said that she doesn't want that attention with the daycare she asked if on Monday I could bring this up in court.

My uBPDexw asked me if I'm going to take S10 to her house on Monday I have the day off I may just bring him to court with me because I don't have anyone to watch him.

[NorthernGirl]

Hey Mutt. Sorry you are having to go through this. I am in Canada and my DH has been to court several times prompted by his unBPDx. Not for the same issue as you; once when she tried to get sole guardianship of their special needs son and once trying to get child support for their adult son. She was unsuccessful in both cases, but both of these hearings required tons of prep. It is all so draining. Hang in there and look after yourself.

DH’s ex used a L the first time. When she was unsuccessful, she self represented the second time. DH used a L both times. In the second case, the L initially thought she might get DH to go to the hearing on his own. The L was concerned that it would seem as though DH was ‘ganging up’ by having a L. But the case was complex and so in the end the L spoke at the  hearing. The L took great care not to be too hard on unBPDx. The L said if she was too pushy, the judge would likely step in to ‘help’ unBPDx if she got flustered.

It was most important that DH saved all the emails from unBPDx, which painted a picture of how abusive she was. She even added some of her negative emails in her own evidence, failing to see how bad they were. We spent many hours organizing and summarizing those esmails so DH’s L could use them in both the written submission and in the hearing.

In the year before the first hearing, unBPDx tried to use her emails to build evidence, writing them to summarize her position, but the judge caught on to that. She also wouldn’t let her son come to our home on one of the weeks (they had 50/50). She thought it would look good on her, but the judge used that in her decision to say that unBPDx couldn’t be trusted to allow their son proper visitation.

So my advice is to keep using a L to help you prepare, organize any correspondence you have so you can submit it and then reference it. Focus on the evidence that shows any harm she has done to the kids (versus trying to show her illness). Include any other professional assessments you have (eg doctor or teacher notes) that support your efforts. UnBPDx was highly critical of professionals, even the ones she had selected, and the judge wasn’t happy with that. She also called their special needs son ‘retarded’ in court and in her documentation, and didn’t seem to notice the reaction the judge had every time she used the term. She seemed oblivious to how she came across.

Keep documenting all interactions you have right up until you get your time in court. Focus on facts, not feelings. Lean on the good folks here to vent or bounce ideas around. Lean on a L for advice or, as you said, get one to represent you if she does. And keep being a positive influence with your kids. In the end, DH got sole guardianship of his son, even though it was her who applied for it. And the judge wasn’t willing to award her child support to keep enabling another son, who is an addict.

Will think of you as you go through this. 

[formflier]

My uBPDexw asked me if I'm going to take S10 to her house on Monday I have the day off I may just bring him to court with me because I don't have anyone to watch him.

Hmm... .offhand that doesn't seem like good thing for him to be present for... .

So... .for clarity... .is there a written document from the daycare.

Perhaps something specific to put in the draft court order is that in addition to no interference with YOUR daycare choices... .that she is barred from threatening media "attention" on child care providers.

I think the more you present her issues, "inside" of your solutions... .the more unreasonable she may look.

Thoughts?

FF

[hope2727]

Hi Mutt, I hope things are going ok.

I was going to suggest you try to keep communication to email as much as possible. That would give you a paper trail for court. Maybe write ex a VERY brief (BIFF) 4 sentence email asking for the polite return to the existing agreement. This might get her to email back a long response (rant). You could use this as evidence or her unreasonable nature. Anything in writing helps. I found if I responded with a super brief polite BIFF response I would get a tirade back and those letters accumulated. It would show how unreasonable she is.

Also yes gender fluidity is more common than we realize. Breathe relax and give it time. Find a pride centre and go there to learn. Get a counsellor who is experienced and go a bit to learn. Join a support group for parents. Ask your daughter to teach you and help you become informed. Ask her to be patient as you are older and not as informed as she is. Let her be the expert. Read everything you can. This will also show the judge that you are sensitive and forward thinking. Know your local suicide crisis lines, kids help line etc and have the numbers in your phone. The Kids help line is 24 hour now. They offer all kinds of support. There is even a text service in some areas. Take the ASSIST training. ITs available in lots of areas. https://www.suicideinfo.ca/workshop/asist/ Show the judge you are proactive.

Also when my friend was in a similar situation where the older kid didn't want to come home. He started doing all kind of really fun cheap or free stuff regularly with the younger kid. He said nothing to the ex or older kid. He didn't really tell the younger kid until the last minute either. No advance warning just "get your coat we are going to ... ." Went to watch the kite festival. Went to a historic park for steam train and hay wagon rides. Went to watch Canada day fireworks over the river. Went to street festivals for mini donuts and to walk around. Went at least twice a week to fly their own $10 kites in various parks. Went to a dog show, farm show, and rare coin show. They went everywhere they could that was free or cheap.
He didn't make a big deal of it he just let the younger kid kind of wander around and see the sights and have an afternoon of new experiences. Then he just listened to the kid and discussed whatever came up even if that was boring was the theme.

The tales of then fairly regular and ridiculously fun activities trickled back to the older child. These activities were never spoken about in advance so the kid eventually came home to see what all the fuss was about. The activities continued and the older kid joined the fun. It was most effective. He didn't spend a ton of money. They checked out every free admission festival and just wandered around seeing the sites and eating corndogs. They went to every large public park to see what was happening and have a hike/fly kites. They built kites from patterns found online (literally cost of paper and string). They got a summer park pass for all the city attractions and went to them. They hit the zoo, a couple of museums, a kids art festival (free), a space and science centere (free), watched river boat races with the crowd (free), Outdoor music festival (sat outside with the overflow in the park (free), symphony in the park kids afternoon (free), ballet in the park (cheap), corn maze (cheap), famers market (free), crafters festival (free). Drove to a local public beach or two (free). Outdoor pop up movie nights in local communities (free).

Eventually if became a mission to find free stuff and both kids got really into it. There were lots of pools and other places the had free evenings or free afternoons and man they did it all. It really was fun and they had such a great time together. It continued on into the winter. They went skating at all the public parks in the city that winter with a thermos of hot chocolate. Cost of gas and cocoa. They would discuss at length the best and worst outdoor rinks (all free admission). The went sledding on all the pubic hills. They went to ice carving festivals and everything they could find. Older child came right along. No pressure no invitation just dad and younger kid off having a blast and of course older kid was welcome. Bring a friend if you like. That kind of thing.

It was quite the relationship builder and he lost a ton of weight just walking around. He said the secret was to shut up and let his little guy lead. His little buddy has some challenges so it helped to not warn him in advance just we have someplace to go so grab a coat. Otherwise he will argue whine say he doesn't want to or freak out and have a fit. Best to just run an errand like get gas or milk and then head over to check out the kite festival. By the end of the first summer it calmed the kid right down, built an amazing relationships and they cancelled their cable.  Seriously. The kids were to tired to watch anyway.

So maybe that is a few ideas to tuck in your pocket for future application. Ok off to work. Hope your day goes well.