I hate the fact that I am not detaching

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

So almost two months ago this happened (or at least 'started': https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325428.0

I am blocked and although I really want to detach, I somehow do not feel ready. I guess I probably do not want to detach deep down or something... .

Last night I dreamt about her. Not so much about her, but about seeing her name again appearing in my mailbox. During the day I am working my ass off, but every now and then I still feel terrible because she treated me this way.

I notice my mind is playing tricks on me. She never called me names in my face. She never explained anything. Even outside that bar she basically was just being positive about me. The fact she unblocked me afterwards, sent me an apology etc.etc. seemed to show she was indeed sorry. But then... .out of the blue I became blocked again... .
So mind is desperately trying to make sense of these two realities: the first one being 'she still seems to care and she still seems my friend in my face', the second one being 'she spreads these rumours, she blocks me and even a family member comes after me'.

I am making up excuses for her. How she could be pressured into blocking me and all these kinds of thoughts. I don't even discuss this anymore with anyone else than my mother, because I don't want to come across as the insane one... .But my mother doesn't understand it either of course. She just tries to tell me that although this doesn't make sense at all, I should not get into contact again. And I know she is right of course... .but still... .

I hate this guys... .I really hate this... .I feel so terrible and I think this is all so unfair... .

[EdR]

Hello,

So almost two months ago this happened (or at least 'started': https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325428.0

I am blocked and although I really want to detach, I somehow do not feel ready. I guess I probably do not want to detach deep down or something... .

Last night I dreamt about her. Not so much about her, but about seeing her name again appearing in my mailbox. During the day I am working my ass off, but every now and then I still feel terrible because she treated me this way.

I notice my mind is playing tricks on me. She never called me names in my face. She never explained anything. Even outside that bar she basically was just being positive about me. The fact she unblocked me afterwards, sent me an apology etc.etc. seemed to show she was indeed sorry. But then... .out of the blue I became blocked again... .
So mind is desperately trying to make sense of these two realities: the first one being 'she still seems to care and she still seems my friend in my face', the second one being 'she spreads these rumours, she blocks me and even a family member comes after me'.

I am making up excuses for her. How she could be pressured into blocking me and all these kinds of thoughts. I don't even discuss this anymore with anyone else than my mother, because I don't want to come across as the insane one... .But my mother doesn't understand it either of course. She just tries to tell me that although this doesn't make sense at all, I should not get into contact again. And I know she is right of course... .but still... .

I hate this guys... .I really hate this... .I feel so terrible and I think this is all so unfair... .

[Cromwell]

Edr she is a trouble maker - at your expense - for attention.

thats all there is to it.

I wouldnt go to that bar unless I knew I could handle myself against whoever she has bad mouthed me to, or at least take a group of your friends dont go alone.

My ex did similair both to me when she complained about her exs before, and then against me in her new relationship. We become subject matter to compensate and divert attention from the emptyness of their own lives. It is about enticing a white knight out of the new target and for this to happen needs to be the former partner to persecute. You didnt do much if anything wrong so it just got fabricated out of thin air. Thats why she wont talk to you, she cant handle the confrontation so you are just blanked and shut out. She has this guy now she is occupied.

Youve done really well so far, I know its not easy, there is a mix bag of feelings going on but 2months is still raw emotion time, keep pushing forward and you will rock out of the rut, I know you will.

[EdR]

Thank you Cromwell. I hope I will, I sure hope I will.
I just feel weak and sad now though... .

[Cromwell]

Thank you Cromwell. I hope I will, I sure hope I will.
I just feel weak and sad now though... .

It would be concerning if you didnt feel sad about it

dont get me wrong, after nearly a year of trying to get my head around what happened I sometimes wish I had that special "switch off" ability.

As long as no fuel gets added to the fire, chances are this is already "old news".

Its a cowardly thing to do - my ex behaved the same, it just reconfirmed to me I made the right choice to detach after the initial shock and the confusion settled themselves out.

[Harley Quinn]

EdR I'm sorry you're struggling at present.  It happens to all of us, so you're not alone.  There were many moments for me where I found myself questioning the sense in it all and feeling deeply sad that things turned out as they did.  It seemed so unfair and unnecessary.  Things could have so easily been so different.  But the thing is, EdR, they weren't and it takes more than us and what we can control to make something work.  We can't do anything about the other person's part in it.  So allow yourself to feel sad.  It's OK.  You're grieving.  It's painful to lose someone from our lives who has meant so much to us.  

Love and light x

[EdR]

I don't understand how this world seems to work, but I just saw her boyfriend. Totally by accident. He was alone, so I thought 'it's now or never to get some answers'.

Well... .he was actually quite nice again, so for some reason he still thinks highly of me since that talk we had outside the bar. He didn't want to get involved, but according to him she was triggered by something else entirely. Apparently she was in contact with her friends after that bar incident and she heard that I would have talked behind her back with others. Something that supposedly would have happened not recently, but almost a year ago.
She was done from that moment on... .

I told him I never said ugly things about her. And the only thing I know of was me denying the rumours.

I feel at ease now. Hopefully for the days to come as well. It is a little sad though that her own rumours came back to bite her. I had to endure all these rumours and smear campaigns and still like her and care about her. But the moment her 'factory of rumours aka her friends' probably fabricated something at her expense, she is hurt and completely done...

[Harley Quinn]

Her boyfriend seems like a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders.  He seems to understand her behaviour, which is good for his sake.  Glad that you feel at ease.  Build on that. 

Love and light x

[EdR]

Her boyfriend seems like a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders.  He seems to understand her behaviour, which is good for his sake.  Glad that you feel at ease.  Build on that. 

Love and light x

Yeah, he gives me that impression as well. It is like he somehow senses something is off, but he doesn't act on it. Which is completely understandable: it is not his problem.

I am just very relieved I got some behind the scenes info. And I feel it is awfully ironic that all this gossiping she did and still does with her friends now have come back to bite her. Tbh I am a little curious about the exact contents of that rumour, because I know for sure I never said anything hurtful about her.

As long as this doesn't change into 'feeling sorry for her', I should be good though. I mean... .she could have just asked me about it... .

[Harley Quinn]

Exactly.  Instead her dysfunctional coping mechanisms kick in and she splits you black.  That is her natural way of dealing with things when she feels slighted, rightly or wrongly.  Being close to a person who reacts this way is hard and draining.  Her bf must either be very patient or hasn't yet had the experience for himself.  Now what are you going to do with your newfound ease?

Love and light x

[EdR]

Exactly.  Instead her dysfunctional coping mechanisms kick in and she splits you black.  That is her natural way of dealing with things when she feels slighted, rightly or wrongly.  Being close to a person who reacts this way is hard and draining.  Her bf must either be very patient or hasn't yet had the experience for himself.  Now what are you going to do with your newfound ease?

Love and light x

He seems okay indeed, but tbh I think you are right: he hasn't yet had that experience for himself.
I am trying to work a little and meet some new people. But that doesn't really go all that well yet. Especially yesterday was a bit of a let down in that respect. And unfortunately I then notice myself directly thinking about her again... .

[Harley Quinn]

What didn't go well and how did you feel about that?  I found that if I did certain things or had certain news ie things that caused a strong emotional response in me, these were times that I really felt drawn to my ex, or at least the urge to want to speak to him about it, although I never did.  It was hard to resist though at those times.  What it told me was what role he played for me and that led me on to begin filling that role more for myself.  Also it prompted me to start sharing more and opening up more with friends and family, which helped a lot.    

Love and light x